Fiance messaging lots of girl "friends" ?

[lindsita726]

My fiance and I have been dating for 8 months, planning to get married in December. He says he loves me all the time, all the usual stuff. Sounds good, right? The other day, I asked him if I could read his FB messages...it was more of a "test." If he got super defensive and said no, I knew he was hiding something. If he said, sure why not, cool...he's got nothing to hide. When I asked him, he got defensive, said no, he didn't want me to, it's his FB. I said, why? Why can't I read it? If there's nothing there, why can't I see? Finally, he let me. When I first opened his messages, I immediately saw messages to/from at least 6 females and a couple from guy friends whom I know. I asked him why he was messaging all these girls, and he basically just said, "They're just friends...You have guy friends, I can't have girl friends?" I said sure, but I'm not messaging guys from my FB all the time when I am bored at work. Geezz...I only read a few of the messages, but it seemed innocent enough. But in all of them, HE initiated the conversation. Why is he doing this? Am I overreacting?

 

We fought about it, and finally he was like, "I'll just close my account. That will be easier." I didn't say anything (I know him deleting FB doesn't solve anything...he still has email...). He deleted it. Then this morning, I saw that his FB was reactivated. What the hell! So annoyed! So now he's probably sitting at work talking to all these girls again.

 

I know I am a bit of a jealous person sometimes, but am I overreacting?

[MapleCanuck]

This is a tough one. You admit to being jealous, but I don't believe in most male/female friendships. You said the conversations were innocent though? How did the females respond.

 

Your fiancée closing tne account and re-opening it is weird. What's your history that makes you jealous? Has your Fiancée ever done anything before?

[Anderson Silva]

You are completely 100% at fault and heading towards destroying yoru relationship. This whole asking him about if you can read his FB messages as a test is a load of nonsense and anyone including myself would get extremely defensive in that kind of weird and pushy situation. You have absolutely no right to his facebook unless he decided you do on his free will. I'm surprised he even let you read these messages, I would have said no. And now you went in, found nothing except for innocent conversations with friends, and you fought with him about it? Poor guy now wants to close his facebook??! In my honest opintion I think you owe him an apology, a big one for that matter and never ask him for these things again or you might just loose him for good. Just my two cents.

[abitbroken]

If you are "testing" him, then you guys are not ready to get married. Together 8 months and already having a wedding planned? Slow down! What is the rush? Get to know eachother better.

[MapleCanuck]

If you are "testing" him, then you guys are not ready to get married. Together 8 months and already having a wedding planned? Slow down! What is the rush? Get to know eachother better.

 

I agree with this. You need to relax with wedding plans. I agree that the test thing is too much. Trust is so vital and it's not like he is texting these women late at night or meeting them secretly.

 

Accept who he is or leave.

[Wunderbarrr]

Oooh,

 

Please be honest to your self. Be very honest. It was just a test?

 

If he said yes after the first question, you would wanted to see it anyway, be it by 1) asking for it, 2) hoping he would offer to show you or 3) at some point in the future snooping trough those messages and giving his answer as an excuse to justify your actions. You pushed him into a situation he would never have won by your irrational thoughts.

 

Look, I was like that, I had my gf look at my telephone in the beginning, I had her 'given the possibility' to check my FB, just to sooth her insecurity. Did it fix anything? No. I came to the point I'm done with this distrusting behavior while I do nothing wrong, I hardly have contact with girls anyway, only if it's business. Now she becomes pissed off instead when I refuse her to show my telephone and immediately jumps to the conclusion that I've secrets. Every time my telephone gives a notification she jumps up, every time I write something she becomes paranoid, not even to speak if I smile at a joke.

 

Just, take it slow, trust him. To be honest, you guys got engaged a bit fast anyway, take it really slow. Look, the chance of him cheating and actually getting a nice and beautiful wife material out of it is close to nothing, simply because any rational and logical thinking women wouldn't ever want to be with an engaged man, for the rest of her life, as she will then be fed with insecurity of how much the engagement and/or marriage really means to him.

 

He is allowed to write with anyone, so are you.

[EssexMan]

I know him deleting FB doesn't solve anything...he still has email...

 

What is there to "solve", if the messaging is innocent? There doesn't seem to be a problem here other than your suspiciousness.

 

In any case, short of locking him in a cupboard, you can't prevent him from interacting with other people. You need to decide if you trust him or not, and if not, why not.

[lavenderdove]

Marry in haste, repent at leisure!

 

Really, please don't rush a marriage to someone who you feel the need to 'police'... i honestly don't think there is anything much wrong if his messages are innocent and he's not actually flirting with these woman. 50% of the human race is female, so it is being overly possessive to not expect him to ever communicate with another female. It's OK to expect him to not flirt, but to expect him to cut all contact with 50% of the human race because you are insecure? Not really a reasonable expectation.

 

but the fact that he catered to your insecurity than got back on the next day is showing that he is feeling angry/passive aggressive about him just being friends with some females. I wouldn't rush this wedding at all, in order for you to be more secure about the relationship and also to get past the infatuation stages so that you are sure he is who you think he is and that you can trust him.

[RedDress]

I agree. If you have to "test" him... if you are still at that stage where you just aren't sure... you shouldn't be marrying him just yet.

 

Besides, I agree that it's a bad test. I have never nor would I ever give anyone access to my phone, emails or facebook. That's so intrusive! What if one of my girl friends is telling me about some sexual problems she is having with her man? Or confiding about some abuse she has endured? It's ok to keep confidential stuff other people are telling you. Stuff that's not really your business to begin with. I'm sure if my man was Cc'd on all of those messages, in this example, she would not have said what she said. What right do I have to show that to anyone - including my man??

 

Privacy isn't always about hiding stuff. Sometimes privacy is just privacy. The fact that you are assuming that it means bad things is kind of scary... it either means he is untrustworthy - and you know that in your gut but can't prove it (and you shouldn't marry him) - or you have trust issues which will need to get addressed before you marry him.

[Not a rookie]

1. Do not get married yet, tell him you want to postpone your wedding, do not tell him the details. Just say it is much better to if you guys have more months to plan it.

2. Think this over. Do you want to get married to this guy at all?

3. Initiate conversations with your male friends, and make more friendships with new men. Talk to them as often as possible.

4. Never ever mention his female friends again.

5. I am sure you have a life, so focus on your life and not on him.

6. You do not need to tell him all the details about your life, especially about other people. I am not saying that you should be lying. But you should definitely talk less.

See how the whole thing goes after you do all of the above.

[eastcoastblues]

I would get defensive too if my partner asked to read my FB messages, and I don't even have anything to hide on there. Some people just like their privacy. Would you really be OK if he wanted to read your messages too? But it does seem weird he talks to so many females, and obviously something was nagging at you if you wanted to do this test in the first place. Has he done anything that would make you not trust him?

[Batya33]

If you trust him to be faithful it shouldn't matter how many women he messages and it's violating his privacy to insist on having access to those messages. If you don't trust him then don't marry him.

[SteelJM1]

And dont be surprised if he gets a little suspicious of you. A lot of times when people start with these "tests" and reading through messages, its because they're projecting their own indiscretions on their SO.