Girlfriend of 6 months proposing a FMF threesome

[Dexter777]

Hi,

 

I am new to this forum and just curious about some opinions. I am with a girl since 6 months, she is 32 and I am 36. It started out as a not too serious relationship - we both ended another relationship not so long time before we got together and she has a small kid too. We dated light in the beginning but grew more serious with the time, and although she really treats me very very nice and I have nothing to say about how she is to me, there are some alarming signs. First if all, she is over a divorce and also over another relationship after the divorce - she apparently chose the wrong guys, which I admit after hearing her stories. Secondly, her kid is a quite difficult case - very smart, but manipulative and often disrespecting to her mother, although it has improved very much in the past months. But the small one can be difficult in the future... Her father is not so much around, but enough for that she is attached to him (further complications?) although she seems to accept me also quite well.

 

Also, my girlfriend had quite many relationships in the past and she is very confident and brave sexually... I need to admit that it has also attracted me at first hand to her. She claims that she enjoys sex very much with me, much more than with anyone else before because we click also on the soul level - true point there, I also never had so intensely passionate sex before. We also went to some tantra courses together, so far only to theory and we only practiced at home. Earlier she wasnt open to go to practical courses, because she said it would feel strange if someone else would touch me or her (apparently, there are some pair exchanges during massage - but nothing sexual, pls dont misunderstand ) But last weekend she told me that she would love to go to such a massage parlour, where we are in the same room and a woman gives me a massage and at the same time a guy or another woman gives her a massage. I said that I maybe know such a place, but there are only women giving massage and I would be maybe okey with that. But then she asked if they would "make a happy ending" to me? I said that I know that this place has such option for men only, I dont know about in case they massage couples.... Anyway, strange that we got to this point, because earlier she didnt want to even go to the massage course.

 

And then a day later the topic appeared again and I asked her when she brought it up that what about her friend who she once had some lesbian experimentation a while ago, when she was alone. She told that she doesnt know, but she would love to ask her and she thinks that this girlfriend of hers actually wants to be in a threesome with us. Well, on one hand it has excited me quite much as I never experienced it before. But on the other hand, I started to worry about the long-term prospects of our relationship... How will it go, if we open up a bit, only after 6 months of being together already to another woman. What will the future bring? Will she eventually be faithful to me, considering her history of sexual experimentations? She also confessed on the weekend that she planned to be alone with her daughter in the next 2-3 years and experiment with her sexuality in her free time, but then I came along and she fell in love with me, just as I fell in love with her. But now as the first stardust is slowly wearing off, maybe she still wants to experiment?

 

Considering that I had a plan of finding a decent woman and make my own family soon, maybe its not the best prospect - but at the same time she says that she can imagine the future with me, it was never so good to be together with anyone before (not only sexually, but in every way).

 

I am a bit confused now. How well sexual experimentations and strong relationship between a couple can go hand in hand?

[pl3asehelp]

I think by the time you're her age, you're no longer experimenting - you're just being yourself. If you see threesomes in your future family, proceed, if not, I'd look elsewhere.

[wilyone 11]

Hi, I've had 2 FMF threesomes with my boyfriend and one MFM threesome.

 

They create a lot of volatility in the relationship. One party invariably feels left out and jealous. After each threesome, it took at least a month or two for our relationship to get back to normal and for the distrust and arguments to stop. It is a lot of fun but probably not worth it if you really value your relationship and are afraid of losing it.

 

Don't do it unless your relationship is totally solid, and it doesn't sound that way. Suggest that you guys maybe do it sometime in the future.

[Guitarguy_82]

It can be dicey for sure, unless you two are totally on the same level. Even afterwards after a few days go by, some emotions might flare up. Give it a shot, have fun, but be honest with each other before and after.

 

I have a good buddy and he and his wife are involved in the swinger lifestyle and they have had a "girlfriend" that lives with them and is simply a part of their marriage for fun. The girlfriend didn't last long for whatever reason, but the two of them as a couple seem fine. They are very open and honest with each other.

[Edmund Exley]

I think the fact that you are here voicing your concerns is proof enough that this isn't something you truly want are will be OK with after its done.

[Unreasonable]

I think the fact that you are here voicing your concerns is proof enough that this isn't something you truly want are will be OK with after its done.

^ This. There are some things you can just not unsee or ever forget. This is one of them. If you ever plan on having a serious relationship with this girl, do not do it. Too risky.

[Dexter777]

Thank you for your comments and thanks for sharing some experiences.

 

Indeed, I feel that you all have just confirmed my worries. However lovely and kind this woman is, but seemingly she's been living by different standards and values compared to mine and however exciting it sounds to be together with such a partner, but at some point it might change radically.

 

I also thought about why she is so appealing to me at this point, because I was somewhat not so confident sexually earlier and only my previous relationship has opened me up more and now with her I gained a real confirmation about "being good in the bed". It has caused some concerns and anxieties for me in earlier years and I guess she being so experienced and open and such a person giving me a confirmation about my "worth" is somehow playing on my ego right now and I want to get more of it - and on the other hand the things that she's desiring to do is already against my values in a strong relationship.

[ConservativeM]

With your post it appears that you are mature enough for take a call. In the long term relationship, sex should not be focused so much as a sole criteria to reach any decision as felt in your post. You should try to find out the overall compatibility with her. As you have expressed that too much experiment in sex is not good. Experiment within limits only looks good. In the beginning of relationship, these experiments looks too exciting but as the time passes and some other serious business takes the center stage than the conflicts starts building between the partner.

 

I am not trying to discourage for such experiment but be prepared to face the changes in later part of life if it happens so( i wish not to happen). Sex takes a back stage as the relation goes old. In general, things does not go so fast as it is going in your case. Are you ready for such pace ? You are best person to judge yourself whether are you going to fit in the frame or not. You find the overall compatibility rather than only in sex. I too agree that sex is a important factor in the healthy relationship but other issue also should be taken in account. Do not be so cautious but try to analysis the thing in positive way.

[Dexter777]

Thank you for your reply, Conservative! Indeed, you are right that it will cause big changes later in life. Today I had a long conversation with an old friend of mine, actually a lady over 50 to whom I can tell things that I usually don't tell to anyone else. We talked about an hour about this issue and her view was also that it's too extreme and unhealthy for long-term, trust-based love relationships that she is asking from me. At the same time she confirmed also what I actually felt by myself too, that once she has such kind of thoughts then it will not disappear but become even more intensive with the time. And if once someone goes down the road of sexual experimentation, then his/her excitement threshold will be always higher and higher. As my friend has put it, she enjoyed very much sex with me until now, maybe it's true that even much better than ever before, but now she because curious again to know "what's behind the next bend", what can be even better than this... and obviously I can't offer her any more what she is craving for right now.

 

And once we try a FMF threesome, then next wish can easily be a swinger with another couple, or a MFM (she has actually done it in the past...) and then who knows what... and if I am not able to put up with it in the frameworks of a decent family life, based on trusting, respecting and loving of each other then I will be in real trouble.

 

Actually, I also thought about that one has to have either a super-high or super-low self-esteem in order to be ready to see their loved one having sex with another person - or they are even not in love with the person and that's why it doesn't bother them. It's a tricky question and slowly I'm forming an answer to myself, but I need to observe my girlfriend more before getting a full understanding.

[Dexter777]

E.g. today it's Valentine's Day and she was at home until lunch, so I thought to surprise her with a bunch of flowers - I went back from office to home to deliver the flowers. I've never appeared behind her door unexpectedly during our 5-months relationship and I thought that it's gonna be fun. I rang the gate phone and said in a distorted voice that I'm from the flower shop She didn't suspect me and let me in and when I stood by her entrance door a minute later, she was honestly surprised. Of course she laughed and said funnily that "You're such a stupid one. I didn't know which guy is sending me flowers, my heart was already beating so fast What would have been, if I'd have been at home, drinking coffee with someone. How would I have explained it to you?"

 

Well, it's a kind of sweet and funny reply, but then she said a minute later that "Oh, did you get already many Valentine greetings? Because my phone doesn't stop ringing or giving notices from received SMS'es since the morning from all the guys Well, she said it again funnily, but as we all know, every joke has some elements of truth. And I don't see the point, why one would like to actually cause such feelings in someone, who loves them. And when I left, she said that "I see that I really mean something more to you." - which has again surprised me, because without going into too much details now, but you can be sure that I displayed already in a million different ways that she indeed means a lot to me. These are such small things, but in my heightened state of alarm I am not taking them lightly.

 

Actually, our relationship feeling has really changed in the last 2 weeks, since she brought up the topic of the massage that she needs. Like it'd have been a signal that I'm not enough any more... and it might really be the truth.

 

I'll probably observe the situation a bit more and stick around to see where it leads, but I slowly tend to form a stronger and stronger opinion on that we don't have a long future any more

[Edmund Exley]

I think shes trying to make humor of the truth to gauge your reactions.

[PaintWithLight]

It seems to me that she is still wanting to continue her 2-3 years of sexual experimentation, except now she wants to drag you alone through this process. Red flags all over this. She seems to want her cake and to eat it too. She is just trying to merge you somehow into her process. Do not blindly follow. There does not seem to be much in this for you if you are looking for a solid foundation for the building a family together.

[Unreasonable]

You know what? This girl doesn't sound like marriage material right now. Looks like she wants to be a free spirit for the time being. Hate to say this, but If you've ever wanted to try a threesome, I can think of no better time. You will probably never get another chance. If it doesn't work out, oh well.

[Dexter777]

Thank you again for all the replies, comments! I'm getting more and more convinced about that she's indeed not a good marriage material. On Valentine's day we had a lots of talk about it. She told me that she'd love to be with me, I'm the best partner she ever had on every level, but she wants to get the feeling sometime of someone else's touch. She likes women, so as I told before, she proposed a threesome with her friend last week and although we didn't proceed with it, but I think she's interested to pursue it soon. Also, she says sometimes quite openly that life is for pleasure and enjoyment and one shall be open to all of the bodily joys.

 

We're also both into tantra, we've been to course where they were teaching principles and a little techniques and we developed very well by ourselves. The same school offers also practical massage courses over the weekend where ca. 10-12 couples participate and they learn in a common room how to work with sexual energy in the body. Don't misunderstand, it's not some kind of group-sex orgy, but at the same time the curriculum includes also to be prepared to change partners in order to learn working with others' energies too. It's not about having sex, but about giving intimate massage to someone else. In the beginning she told that she no way wants to go there, but now she started to talk that she'd be super-interested to do, because the thought of the group intimate energy is such a great turn-on for her that she wants to experience it.

 

Now that's the point where I am getting very reluctant. I could probably still handle the threesome pretty well together with her girlfriend in FMF format, but now the simple thought of seeing her massaging another guy's intimate parts with pleasure makes me shiver... it's probably something for what my self-esteem is not ready in a close relationship. If she'd been just a random girl with whom we'd hooked up for experimenting with sexuality then I'd say it would even be okey, because I could also touch another woman at the same time and somehow get excited about it. I like the idea in general.

 

But what I can't imagine now is to be in a relationship in what in theory we build common future, work on our plans/goals/visions/things what we want to reach in life and then at the same time consciously put it out to the threat of that she will start to like someone else more than me - or the opposite, I can also start to like someone just much more than I like her. Then it would mean basically to live only in the moment, to live in moment's joy (which is advocated very much by several Eastern philosophies anyway) but at the same time it wouldn't enable to plan future and live in the name of a vision or a dream... as it'd be under constant threat of collapsing, at least to my mind.

 

So the two things don't go together - sexual experimentation and long-term relationship with still a common future to be built together.

 

I feel that my girlfriend would be a much more fit partner for a guy 40+ who is already over a divorce and have his own kids too, just like my partner has. This kind of guy doesn't have any more the family building ahead with the vision of a warm fireplace and everlasting love, but such kind of guy might just be ready for being rather with 30% in a good business than having 100% of a bad business (meaning that rather sharing a very good woman sexually with other guys, but still enjoy most of the benefits from her in the everydays). My girlfriend is a very interesting personality anyway, because at first sight she's the super-woman one can just dream of: she's sexy, down-to-earth, does all the house works like an angel (of course appreciates help), has many parallel creative jobs to support herself, takes very good care of her own health and her family's health, so really the kind of classic perfect-wife... with a little glitch of being attracted physically to some other guys and girls as well.

[Ms Darcy]

OK, first of all, you shouldn't want a woman who will do all of the house work. That just makes you lazy.

 

But in terms of your gf, it sounds like you don't see her as a long-term partner anymore. This makes sense to me. She likes men and women. She wants touch from others. Don't be naive and think it would stop at the FMF. That sounds more like the gateway towards MFM. If you don't want to see your gf getting plowed by other guys, I wouldn't even entertain a threesome.

[abitbroken]

Just for the record - there are many legitimate massage practitioners who do couples massage = non sexual, your backs, arms, legs, etc, and that is reasonable to want to do together. But from what you are talking about, its more than that that she wants. YOu got in too fast and too deep going to tantra classes early in your relationship - if you have, then your relationship really does rotate around sex.

 

I do agree with others that this is not an 'experimentation period' but the way she is, and if you are interested in a one on one sexual relationship and perhaps marriage, you need to move on and find someone else.

[Dexter777]

Thanks for the comments - yes, it seems that you all feel the same way that she won't stop at FMF. Yesterday we just had a general talk about polyamorous relationships and I said that to my knowledge most of the gays live this way and her comment was: "How marvellous, so they are in love with the whole world

Well, this is actually how it is - or how I feel about her, that she's a charming flower-power girl/woman who really arms around the whole world and it's okey for her... just not really for me as I want something else from the relationship.

[wickedconfused]

Been there, done that. If there are feelings involved, don't bother. You're gonna feel like garbage, trust me.

[Dexter777]

Thanks, wickedconfused. You haven't gained from the experience, right?

[wickedconfused]

Thanks, wickedconfused. You haven't gained from the experience, right?

 

I suppose if my now ex-gf and I never work out again--although I want to--I'll have a "good story", but that's about it. I felt terrible watching her basically uncomfortably "perform" for me and she stormed out of the room while I was with the other girl. It was all awkwardness, followed by tears, followed by insecurities.

[Dexter777]

That doesn't sound good at all. I am still dragging on in the relationship, we didn't proceed with the

threesome, but today I just got to know that my girlfriend will teach tomorrow morning one of her ex boyfriends

how to dance striptease for his girlfriend on their 1st anniversary. I got to know about it totally by accident

and when I asked my gf what she will do tomorrow then she told that nothing special - so she lied to me. I

said that OK, if you dont do anything then what about having a long skype call in the morning (I am out of town). She agreed,

and then she called the guy immediately to call off the dance lesson tomorrow... So she took my call to be

more important, but nevertheless I feel very bad about it. I didnt confront now her that I know her plans,

but instead after a little while I called off the skype with her, so lets see if she calls back the guy now to have the away aw

striptease lesson in any case... But I am just on it now out of curiosity, because inside of me something has

finally broken, regardless whether she does the lesson or not (and would there be intimacy between them or

not), but her understanding of morale, loyalty and true love is sooooo far away from mine, that next week Monday

when I come back then I will just break up with her. Period. I can't trust her any more and never will.