Daughter is gay and i need advice......

[jt1979]

I have a whole lot going on in this family and I know I need advice.

 

Part of this isn't fit for this discussion, so I'll put it elsewhere.

 

First, I got back together with the mother of my 2 oldest kids almost a year ago. We re-married (after we were high school sweethearts) and everything was going good.

 

My daughter is almost 16 years old and she's a lesbian. I'm bothered by it because I don't necessarily agree with it as my daughter. I have gay friends, I don't hate on gays and I'm not trying to be that kind of person. I love my daughter, she's my only daughter. I think that's what makes it hardest. She's been with this girl for over a year, I ignored it for so long thinking it was a phase but it's been a while and it really breaks my heart. I overreact with her at times because I am against it and I have prevented them from seeing each other a few times. I've seen disturbing text messages about sex and I'm not naive to think that she won't have sex, it bothers me. I am trying to overcome this obstacle as it puts a damper on my marriage and makes her mother very upset with me.

 

Anyone here have a gay teen or can any other gay teens give me advice on how to overcome this struggle? I'm having a hard time accepting it and overcoming it. Maybe if someone can give me tips on how they deal, something.

 

 

[happyfrank]

Grew up with girl who turned out to be lesbian. She was always tomboyish so it didn't surprise me. The best advice is to be supportive and keep her eyes on the important stuff like going to college and becoming good human being. Heather I grew up with ended up going to good college and starting her own family.

[Seraphim]

She is your daughter and the same person she always was. There is no point in being difficult on her for the way she was born. Why not go to counseling to learn how to deal with your feelings?

 

Over reacting will drive her away from you. She can not help who she is. There is nothing wrong with who she is. Dig down deep for that love you feel for her. Do you remember the day she was born? Do you remember the love you felt? Remember looking into her eyes as a baby and a toddler? Remember adoring her? She is STILL that person. Your sexuality is only a small part of who you are and it should not define who you are or who should like you.

 

These feelings are about your own insecurity about sexuality not about her. So do not make it about her. Find a professional with whom you can talk to about this.

[jt1979]

I think part of it stems from resentment I guess. Her mom had dated/left me for a woman (she and I had our kids very young, teen parents) and it really hurt me for years. Now we're back together and I am trying to do this right, but I shouldn't let this destroy my relationship with my daughter. I am really trying to be accepting and maybe we should do counseling together before I make it worse.

[whatsnottaken]

First off, don't be mad at yourself for being upset. You are who you are and your entitled to you own opinions. Remember, you can never change a person; all you can do if provide a great example for them. You want your child to grow up feeling safe and loved as well as well rounded and smart. This is your personal test to overcome this because no matter how you feel, this is YOUR problem, not your child's, not her girlfriend's, but yours. If your daughter is being safe, feels happy and her girlfriend is a good person, there is nothing to be upset with. You can overcome this, it sounds like you want to. Once you can accept your daughter's sexuality, you will be a stronger, better parent and she will see that and truly feel like she can trust you. This will undoubtedly will strengthen your bond as father and daughter.

I'll leave you with a quote from my favorite sex psychologist, Sue Johanson after a gay man called her asking how to come out to his parents. Sue said, "do your parents tell you what they do in their bedroom?" "No" replied the man, "then you don't need to tell your parents what you do in yours."

[Seraphim]

Do not take the anger you feel for your wife out on your daughter. Also too being gay is not "learned". You either are gay or you are not. Maybe read up on what it means to be gay on gay forums or what they feel their families did wrong and right in how they treated them. But your daughter did not "learn it " from your wife. Your sexuality is something you are born with.

 

I would recommend you go to counseling first and sort out your own issues before you ask your daughter. It seems that you are confused as to what gay really is and how one is that way and may want to "convince" your daughter not to be that way.

[jt1979]

Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it, and you're right. I shouldn't take any anger out on her and I really should forgive the past as it is the past.

[metrogirl]

Two of my nephews are gay. It took a very long time for one of them to come out because he was terrified his mother was going to disown him. He struggled daily with wanting to tell her, to just be free and be accepted for who he was. He finally told her and she was hurt but she realized it wasn't a reflection of the type of parent she was, he loved who he loved and that's it.

 

Their relationship is probably stronger now than it ever had been. We may not like what our children become, we may not like who our children see and we may not agree with their sexuality but the end result is she will always be your baby girl no matter who she loves. Embrace her and tell her you love her. Life is so short, we are guaranteed nothing.

[jt1979]

Thank you for that, put a smile on my face.

[Kaytie]

I'm a lesbian and came out at 13.

 

I have a LOT to say on the subject. The best advice I can give you is to continue loving your daughter. It really is that simple.

 

Do not minimize her or her identity by assuming it's a phase. I can't tell you how many times I heard that and it still drives me nuts hearing that. Nobody ever asks if being straight is a phase.

Do not assume she is confused. Many of us know very early who we are.

 

Join a PFLAG organization in your area or even online. Talk to other parents of gay kids.

 

Non-acceptance and homophobia (or lesbophobia) of parents is one of the main reasons the gay teen suicide rate is what it is. I was bullied a lot in high school, had death threats, had my locker spray painted a few times a week, etc. I have always been a strong and confident person and the only reason I am still alive today is due to that temperament and the fact that I took all the hate and channeled that into helping other kids and fought tooth and nail for every single human right.

 

The other reason I am still here and a normal, happy, well-adjusted grown woman? My parents. In particular, my Dad. Their acceptance of me and their love is why I grew up so strong and so successful. It is a non-issue in my family and my parents got another grandkid out of the deal too.

 

Anytime you want advice from someone who has been in similar shoes, please don't hesitate to send me a PM once you are able.

[jt1979]

Kaytie, I can't thank you enough for that. If I could PM you, I would. I do use gmail and all of that. I really want to be a better dad and I of course don't want to lose my daughter and makes me sad that I even feel this way. I am going to try, speak to people, so far reading what others have said has comforted me and helped.

[Kaytie]

I sent you a message

[SapphireNoir10]

You don't have to agree with her life choices.

 

But you can support her. Be there for her.

 

If my son turns out to be gay. It won't matter to me. All I care for is his happiness. as long as he is happy. I really don't care. Sexuality isn't a massive deal like it used to be. I see no difference between a straight or a gay couple. Love is love in my eyes. All love and happiness should be celebrated.

 

Maybe you could seek counselling to find out how to come to terms with this?

[becomingkate]

So many of my daughters friends are gay, and one in particular stands out. I'll call her M.

 

Her mom is quite religious and is "against" homosexuality to begin with, but her biggest issue was that she always thought that M was having sex with any girl that came over. Maybe she was, I don't know. But in any event, every time M's mom got mad, she'd shame her and remove her bedroom door.

 

By the time M was seventeen, she ran off to Montreal with a girlfriend and as far as I know, she still hasn't returned and that was six years ago.

 

My daughter was always upset at her friend's mom because M was a good kid, she was just confused and torn between the religion, her parents and who she really was. In the end, M never finished school because there was no "safe" place for her to be while she concentrated on her studies.

 

Even if she had been having sex, it wasn't likely that she'd become pregnant and her mom should have concentrated on teaching her how to be a good partner, how to have safe sex and how to survive on her own once she moved out, but instead it all came down to religion.

 

I think of M often and hope she's doing okay. I hated thinking of her as a runaway...

[penelope13]

What about her being gay upsets you? Knowing this may help in retraining your thought process and realizing that sexual orientation is much less to do with what your fears are about.

[BlackGoaty]

Sometimes parents feel that they are at fault for their children's sexuality and because of that do not accept them for who they are. If they are your kids, you should love them regardless. It is better to have them "alive" and happy and not living in fear of your objection or dispproval of being gay/lesbian which as a result drive them to suicide because if they world cannot accept them, at least they have their family and parents for support.

 

Try to watch the movie "Prayers for Bobby" or the book about it which the film was based on.

 

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[ElenaIMHQ]

I'm 25, lesbian, and I created a thread about me because I want to explain, IMHO, why you should be thankful.

1. You daughter is still there with you.

2. You have a wife who can be there for your daughter, while you couldn't.

3. You live in the place that is welcome to your daughter, who is gay.

 

So, I think it's not enough to just persuading yourself to be a better father, but you need to change your point of view. Why? Because if you keep being against her sexuality, you'd neglect and cross all of those 3 blessings.

 

Here is my thread, because I don't want to hijack your thread:

 

Hope it helps.