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I've been doing this all wrong.


J8415

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I'll try and make this short and to the point but I've recently had a couple of lightbulb's go off within the last couple of weeks. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what makes me happy. I was having a conversation with one of my bestfriends and she told me I should read the book Emotionally Unavailability, so I did. I've recently realized that how I'm going about my life and who gets close to me I've been doing it all wrong. I think I have some serious boundary/codependecy issues. I've come to realize that I have no boundries for myself when it comes to allowing myself to get close to someone but I have very ridged boundries with who I let into my life and I realize how empty and lonely my life really is. I've recently started to date a girl who I really like spending time with. Emotionally we have a strong connection. I want her to stick around in my life but I'm afraid I'm being very unfair/manipulative to her. She recently told me she needs space because I've been suffocating her which leads me to believe I have some codepencency issue as well. I'm coming here to see what other people have done to break through their own brick wall and how I can be more expressive with my feelings. I have the tendency to say "I don't know" a lot. I also have the tendency to become very complaint with what someone else wants to do even if it goes beyond what I want to do. I just give in. Its to the point where I realize I know I need to change but I don't know how since I'm a little hesitant to change. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this..I'm going to bring up how I'm feeling with my Dr later in the week as well.

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Well, a big part of fixing a problem is knowing you have one. And it's going to be a challenge fixing that part of yourself, while at the same time, not scaring off this girl you've started seeing. I am going to give you some good old fashioned advice when it comes to the date part, until the girl becomes your actual "girlfriend" and not someone you are dating, treat her carefully. She is learning to trust you and if you overwhelm her, it's over. Let her lead, do alot of listening, in fact, encourage her to share about herself. Give her space but be available to her when she needs you. Send her texts once per day to ask her how her day is, and then let her text you. Go with the flow in other words... as she becomes more comfortable, the relationship will naturally progress into HER wanting more time and attention with you. Girls like (love) security, and if you are clingy, you are not going to be providing her with that.

 

Secondly, you need to make yourself more secure with yourself, and thats going to take some work on your part. The boundary issues you have are the least of your worries, leave those alone regarding who you allow in. You need to be selective with that because letting the wrong person in, can cause you to back peddle with all the work you're doing on yourself. Codependancy means, you give your power over to others, making them responsible for your security, your happiness, your stability, and before you can actually provide that to anyone else, you need to learn how to do it for yourself. You need to take your power back and take charge of your life. If you can do that, you will find your life recalibrating because people will respond to the new you, girl included.

 

I can come back to this if you want.

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