After 30 years I wrote her a letter...

[fred garvin]

She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first everything, almost. I kept a wall calendar in 1980-81 and marked the dates with the times we spent together. Cleaning out the old homestead , I came accross this and other things and I had to write her to let her know I never forgot. Fortunately for me I know her married name and a Google search turns up 15 pages (literally) on her professional life. She always was way too smart for me, I was the badboy Deadhead, lol. So anyways, I fire off a HANDWRITTEN letter to her place of employment mentioning all the old memories, letting her know I'm still free and easy. I know she is married, but she is not on Facebook. However, I do a search of her husbands name and under relationship status it says "it's complicated", *** does that mean? I wrote her exactly one week ago and I have not heard back, do I dare call her at work? If I do call, how long should I wait. I feel like I did in High School and isn't that half the fun?

[Slow Club]

This is cute. The letter is good. It'll surprise her.

[Capricorn3]

Very very bad idea and it comes accross as majorly creepy/stalkerish in that you google search her, get her details, where she works etc etc and then, even KNOWING she is married, you still go ahead and send her a letter and now want to actually CALL her at her work, after you have had no response from her? Ouch. You had no right to do what you did (imo). You have no idea what's going on in her life, but the fact that she is married, should have been a sign for you to NOT do what you did. It's almost as if you are living in some fantasy world. This is not going to have a happy ending like in the movies. You are no longer in high school. I strongly advise you don't make that call.

[rosasnyder811]

No, it is not a bad idea. How dare you judge him that way. Seriously. Nothing wrong with touching base with someone years later. People have been doing so for years. As long as he realizes that he is doing it just to say hello with no strings attached, I see no problem in reconnecting.

Reminiscing and reconnecting is what humans do, there is nothing creepy or stalkerish about it. Seriously---where did people start getting this idea that this is creepy and stalkerish?

He isn't showing up next to her bed in the middle of the night, or at her work, or anything else. He wrote her a letter. Come on.

 

Very very bad idea and it comes accross as majorly creepy/stalkerish in that you google search her, get her details, where she works etc etc and then, even KNOWING she is married, you still go ahead and send her a letter and now want to actually CALL her at her work, after you have had no response from her? Ouch. You had no right to do what you did (imo). You have no idea what's going on in her life, but the fact that she is married, should have been a sign for you to NOT do what you did. It's almost as if you are living in some fantasy world. This is not going to have a happy ending like in the movies. You are no longer in high school. I strongly advise you don't make that call.

[Capricorn3]

Well, I guess it all depends what he wrote. If it was just a general hello, how are you letter, no big deal. But the reason why I said it was creepy was because he wrote and told her "I am still free and easy", knowing full well that she is MARRIED. Telling someone you are "free and easy" implies that you are interested in more than just saying hello after 30 years.

[fred garvin]

Majorly creepy/stalkerish after 30 years? Really? I did mention this in the letter, "forgive my cyber-voyeurism" but Google is what it is...do you just ignore all the PUBLIC information that is on it? Your right, I have no idea what is going on in her life, isn't that the point of writing someone a letter? "Hi! it's been 30 years, what have you been up to?" After how many years of not contacting someone are you never allowed to contact them again? And we Deadheads are always "free and easy."

[rosasnyder811]

I will admit, I was hoping that he didn't actually write that in his letter.

 

You didn't, did you? That alone, may just stress her out to the point of not responding.

 

Well, I guess it all depends what he wrote. If it was just a general hello, how are you letter, no big deal. But the reason why I said it was creepy was because he wrote and told her "I am still free and easy", knowing full well that she is MARRIED. Telling someone you are "free and easy" implies that you are interested in more than just saying hello after 30 years.

[rosasnyder811]

You're fine, I just don't know if I like some of your wording. Especially the "free and easy" part.

 

Majorly creepy/stalkerish after 30 years? Really? I did mention this in the letter, "forgive my cyber-voyeurism" but Google is what it is...do you just ignore all the PUBLIC information that is on it? Your right, I have no idea what is going on in her life, isn't that the point of writing someone a letter? "Hi! it's been 30 years, what have you been up to?" After how many years of not contacting someone are you never allowed to contact them again?

[agent1607307371]

I wrote her exactly one week ago and I have not heard back, do I dare call her at work?

 

Not if you have any respect for her and for yourself. A letter is one thing. Stalking her workplace (and that is what it is) is not cool.

 

Let the past go. She has.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

What you did was completely disrespectful towards her husband, and in a way stalkerish. You found out she was married. You should have just left it alone right there. Do you really think her husband would be happy to find out her ex from high school sent her a letter with special first love memories? If this were me, I would be REALLY creeped out. I think you should just leave it alone.

[rosasnyder811]

It's not disrespectful or stalkerish to reconnect with a friend. Seriously people, I don't want to say grow up, but, society is getting ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with saying hello. It's how you say hello that does matter, and that is what I'm questioning, not the fact that he reached out.

Don't call or show up at her work, that would be going way too far. Wait and see if she responds, and don't listen to all the negativity. It's not wrong to reach out to someone you have a history with, as long as you realize they may not necessarily want to talk to you.

 

What you did was completely disrespectful towards her husband, and in a way stalkerish. You found out she was married. You should have just left it alone right there. Do you really think her husband would be happy to find out her ex from high school sent her a letter with special first love memories? If this were me, I would be REALLY creeped out. I think you should just leave it alone.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

It's not disrespectful or stalkerish to reconnect with a friend. Seriously people, I don't want to say grow up, but, society is getting ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with saying hello. It's how you say hello that does matter, and that is what I'm questioning, not the fact that he reached out.

Don't call or show up at her work, that would be going way too far. Wait and see if she responds, and don't listen to all the negativity. It's not wrong to reach out to someone you have a history with, as long as you realize they may not necessarily want to talk to you.

 

She wasn't a friend. She was his first girlfriend. Yes, that is very disrespectful knowing she is married. Looking up and reading her husbands online profiles and finding her workplace is stalking.

[pumpkinmoon]

I don't see anything wrong with what you have done and I certainly don't see it as stalkerish! I also don't see a problem with the wording. I took "free and easy" to mean that you were more of a free spirit and have remained that way.

 

I think it's a nice story and nice that you still have things from all those years ago. She must have been very special to you at one time. I would wait a little longer to see if you get a response from the letter. I don't think calling her at work is a good idea. If you are sure she will have received your letter, let it be. She will reply to you if she wants to. If she doesn't then that is something you will just have to accept.

[Cope and Hope]

I'd ignore the people telling you this was a good idea because from reading it this sounds very creepy/stalkerish. Again, this really all depends on how she receives it; if she likes it then I guess it wasn't creepy but in my opinion odds are against someone finding a 30 year old letter charming when you had to google search her name and address.

[calichick007]

Another vote for creepy. She may like it, though... I guess it depends on her personality / the state of her marriage.

[pippy longstocking]

I say sending the letter was ok

 

turning up at her work is bang out of order ...if she doesn't reply that means she doesn't want to see you or reconnect on any level and to turn up at her work is taking away her choice .

[dumPI]

Lol ... all the females here talking about stalkering are surely the same that consider it romantically beautiful when same story happens in a movie ... double standards?

 

I guess OP dumped her back then?!

[pippy longstocking]

Lol ... all the females here talking about stalkering are surely the same that consider it romantically beautiful when same story happens in a movie ... double standards?

 

I guess OP dumped her back then?!

 

honest though dump if that was your wife ...would you still think him romantic

[Gilson]

I don't have a problem with the letter (depending on the wording. I took Free and Easy to mean free spirited ??) but I would not make that phone call, or god forbid, show up there.

 

If she wants to reply, she will. If not, leave it alone.

[agent1607307371]

Lol ... all the females here talking about stalkering are surely the same that consider it romantically beautiful when same story happens in a movie ... double standards?

 

I guess OP dumped her back then?!

 

No, just an ability to separate reality from fiction.

[bulletproof]

I think writing a letter is fine. But calling is pushy.

 

I also think we should look at the definition of stalker:

A person who stealthily hunts or pursues an animal or another person.

A person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.

 

Since the o.p. is neither stealthy (I'd say he's pretty out in the open with this) nor crossed the line into harassment and/or persecution, perhaps we should stop throwing the word stalker around.

[iamkaylee]

I don't see anything wrong with the letter either. It's simply reaching out and retouching with someone from a long time ago. Still free and easy, I read that as single, unattached and pretty much unchanged since high school.

 

I've had a real stalker and there is nothing "stalkerish" about this. People do this stuff all the time and there are even websites set up to help people find their old highschool classmates.

 

Calling or visiting her workplace would be over the top. If she responds to the letter, great, if not, you know she isn't interested in catching up.

[Dinocaz]

She wasn't a friend. She was his first girlfriend. Yes, that is very disrespectful knowing she is married. Looking up and reading her husbands online profiles and finding her workplace is stalking.

 

Well eff me who has not checked up on a person on google or FB ??? come on please its hardly stalking and if it is im a serial stalker lol. Examps met an old school mate online she someone i hardly remember.

half hour later there I am punching her name it the usual suspects google FB google advance search. didn't find squat but guess what when i told her about it she laughed and said she did same. Its normal get over it. and its got nowt to do with being disrespectful. if she dont wanna here from him she will either ignore or tell him to pee off. Then if he continues he has issues but up until that point chill axxxx

[itsallgrand]

If I received a letter like this, I wouldn't be creeped out. But I do think calling or showing up would be pushy, as Bulletproof said.

 

What you describe in the letter, and the feelings that come through in your post, is a nostalgia and an excitement like...ahh the good old days. Remember when I was / and you were //. Remember? And she may be simply seeing it as you having a moment of nostalgia, and nothing that needs to be said on her end.

 

She also may not wish to respond. I think in sending that letter, you gotta let that be an ok alternative outcome here too. She may not wish to be in contact - for whatever her reasons may be.

 

There's this hopefulness in your tone like this is gonna go somewhere, even though you know she is indeed married. But even if she wasn't. Just be careful...not to get your hopes up too high. You two are totally different people now. You can't go back, as they say. And if this is a time in your life where you are re evaluating your own choices and where things are going...and thinking of her....you can do what you need to whether she replies ever or not.

 

I think we all, rather universally, have our moments where we can't see our own selves in action and think somehow, other people won't see through either. But if I got a letter like this....honestly my first thought would be....oh! he must be going through something right now....that's cool...but I'm staying out of it.

[abitbroken]

I vote for bad idea.

 

1) place of employment - who knows she might not work there anymore. Or an assistant could open it. or she could have a job where she does not receive correspondence addressed to her and it starts people talking.

 

2) Intent - you tell us you feel like you are in high school with anticipation - does that indicate some feelings or some rush about this. Also, you mention that her husband has "its complicated" on his Facebook. Is that you wishful thinking? And are you sure that's not her brother-in-law, etc,s facebook, or a guy with the same name? My ex has about 50+ people on Facebook with his identical first and last - maybe more if you include nicknames of it that people go by.

 

3) Free and easy - does that mean you are telling her you are single??

 

Unfortunately, I think the only way this would be appropriate is if you signed up for a class reunion site she is on and friend her on - if she chooses to say hi she can, and if not she won't/

 

If I received this letter, what would bother me would be knowing someone felt strongly about a 30 year old relationship and might still be stuck at that place, and wonder what their intention was if they didn't mention the proud accomplishments of their kids.

 

Also, if this person naturally crossed paths with me - was doing something with my company and noticed my name, was researching a thesis on spider monkeys and googled and found I was the world expert on it or we ran into eachother at a fundraiser - i think contact would be a little differenty perceived but ths implied you really did a lot to track her down.