friend and religion problems :/

[vales13]

We are four friends that have known each other for about 10 years now, All my three friends are christians and i was raised catholic but religion has never been a problem in our friendship. I want to add that i believe in Jesus i love God but i don't like religion. I am going to use Friend 1 friend 2 and friend 3 to distinguish from one another.

 

Friend 1 got marry about 3 years ago and she has a baby so she doesn't hang out too often because her work and mom duties keep her really busy. friend 2 is also marry but with no kids. friend 3 and i rent together. friend 2 , 3 and i hang out like once a week , and we always have a good time. But friend 3 and i are really close we are like sisters. Friend 3 and i have been through so many tough times together, she had a difficult childhood and sometimes she gets really depress , and i get depress. I always try to do things that she likes so she can feel better, the last thing she wanted to do was to get back to church . So we started going to church every week and i like it because the message is always good and because they don't talk about religion.

 

Everything was great until christianity was the only conversation for friend 3, she only talks about how christians this christians that , she only wants to listen to christian music , and i don't so things started to change between us. friend 2 and 3 started to get closer and they don't include me much.

 

Friend 3 started making comments like "does it hurt you to praise the lord before church" when i didn't wanted to listen to christian music. Today i asked her for a ride to the bank and she started talking about this church group she goes on tuesdays and how great this people are and how good she feels which makes me happy , then she received a call from her brother and she invited him to this christian concert and told him that friend 2 was also going, then when she hung up she asked me , do you want to go to the concert? with a smile on her face as if she enjoys making plans without including me, which i said no i don't really like chrisitan music. then she said: so you don't want me to invite you anywhere anymore ? you don't want to hang out with us crazy christians anymore? and i told her that i didn't say that. then we got home, and she posted on fb , that she was so happy and thankful for all the people that brings her close to God, and tagged her siblings, i don't know what to do i feel left out , and i can't even talk to her about how i feel , because she will make me feel as if i am doing something to keep her out of church. I even feel like a bad person for not wanting to talk about God all the time, for not wanting to listen to christian music .. Please give me any advice , maybe i am wrong , maybe i am over looking , i am devastated and i don't know why i feel so sad , i am not a sensitive person.

 

 

I am sorry for bad grammar.

[pippy longstocking]

I can see why you feel left out .

 

for her , as you know , she is filled with the holy spirit and that joy has saved and lifted her , and as we also know

when someone feels like that they want to encourage everyone to follow , to enhance their lives and to feel the joy .

 

but its how far it goes and how much respect you give someone who hasnt jumped on board ...and she aint giving a lot of understanding to you .

 

I had a conversation with a male friend of mine about the J. witnesses , he was there , now he isnt but wants to be back with them ..he told me when he does he wont ever be able to come round and see me without a chaperone ....its all or nothing it would seem .

 

I am rambling because I dont know what advice to give ..her path is clear , her whole life has found its meaning etc etc and its seems like it is a case of walk with her .....or stand at the gate waving .

 

the best you can do is talk to her , which I know you said is not great ...so you have to approach it right ..encourage her love for jesus , tell her your happy for her etc etc but that you miss her and feel that she can have jesus and your friendship .

[RedDress]

Life is an ever changing, ever evolving thing. That's both beautiful - because if things are bad, you know they will eventually change - and frustrating because when things are happy we don't want them to change!

 

I think you've kind of gotten into a weird place in your relationship with Friend 3. While the two of you have been really close in the past, you definitely don't have to go to all the same places together, listen to the same music, etc. That's not what friendship is about. You don't have to be the same to be friends.

 

If she has found God or whatever and she is happy - that is fabulous for her. If she wants to go to church, listen to christian music and go to these concerts - she can go and enjoy that.

 

I would encourage you to stay strong in your own identity. If you don't want to listen to that music, if you don't want to go to church and if you don't want to go to those concerts - don't!

 

Now - this is where you are both a little bit wrong, IMO...

 

- For her, it's completely unfair of her to say "oh! you don't want to hang out with us christians anymore?". No... you don't want to do that stuff and you've never wanted to do that stuff. SHE is the one who changed. You know... even though she has found God, she can still relate to you in other ways. You can still shop together, watch movies together, etc. She just needs to find these common grounds to hang out with you and nurture your friendship in. You shouldn't suddenly have to change to like all that she likes. You should really discuss this with her. "Jane - I'm really happy that you are happy, but I miss you. Can we ALSO do some of the other stuff that we used to do. Let's go shopping (or whatever you used to also have in common)"

 

- For you, it's not really fair of you to "feel left out". I mean... they are feelings. You can't help them. They happen. But you need to think of them logically. If you don't want to go (and she knows that), she is not "leaving you out", she is pursuing her other interests that you don't share. The two of you aren't married... she can do that. I think your closeness has gotten a little too close in this regard. What will you do if she meets someone and wants to get married? Will you feel left out then too? She is her own person - you don't have to do everything together - but you can still be friends.

 

Perhaps it's also time to nurture other, new friendships. Because maybe this one is just a little too close. You are your own people. It's ok to pursue other interests and other frienships (and you don't have to throw this one away over it). That's the joy of it being a friendship and not a romantic relationship - you can hang out with others and "fulfill your needs" with others and it's not considered "cheating".

[offplanet]

I somehow think that the friendship won't be quite the same again, having myself been on both sides of the fence. If you expect it to be the same, you'll get disappointed.

[Seraphim]

Instead of you waiting for her to suggest activities to do why don't you suggest some?

[Snny]

.... so how does Friend 1 fit into all of this when the conflict is between you and Friend 3 (and a little of friend 2)?

[Not a rookie]

Most religious people have the mindset that you need to do the same things they do. This comes from being preached that you cannot pick and choose in religion. You either do everything or you are not considered a real "enter token religion name here". I would ignore her comments and show her more love. Just tell her, you are no big music fan anyway but love to be with her. I have been a member of religious organizations so I am talking from experience here.

[abitbroken]

Instead of you waiting for her to suggest activities to do why don't you suggest some?

 

I agree with this 100%. Why not say "hey, wanna go bowling?" or "there is an ice festival downtown tomorrow night, want to go? Invite friend 2 and her husband or see if your brother wants to come." And if they like to go, would it hurt to go see a Christian artist she is excited about seeing?

 

I don' really see this is having a problem with her faith, but since you mentioned the other friends, it seems like the issue is that they all are doing other things without you.

 

Friend #1: Why not ask if you can bring a coffee cake or whatever it is that you eat and have coffee or tea with your friend while she is minding the kids? Especially if they are little, there are naps times or she can visit with you while feeding a little one or while you toss around a toy to one. It is a nice way to touch base as she probably feels pretty isolated from her female friends these days.

 

Friend #2: Is she getting as close to Friend #3 as she is to you - is that the prob or do you feel they are excluding you?

 

Friend #3: My previous suggestion - suggest plans! It wouldn't hurt to on occasion do something she lieks to do - and btw, Christian music is diverse - there are even Christian metal bands. I am not saying you have to buy it or like it - but just saying its not a genre like country or rap or reggae that has a specific sound. Maybe request she plays a certain album she has that you can tolerate and not others - or buy one for her that is more your taste if you are playing it in the house. My brother loves rap. I despise it. But I have found that I don't mind listening to the old school stuff that was a lot cleaner and didn't talk about ho's.

 

Also, make some new friends to bring into the group. There are more people out there!

[jinxers]

im jewish and had similar problems with friends because i am less religious, some of your friends sound very judgmental about being more religious and elitist, and often the truth hurts but its time to fade away from some of the friends that you truly think are using religion to put them on a pedestal - i know it hurts to hear that you have to back away from these friendships but if you dont do it now you will only prolong your frustration and continue to be hurt

[CanadianQt]

LOATHE religion because of exactly this reason-- it seperates people. I have had experiances with many different religions and lived in an extreamly religious country and learned one thing- religion is BAD! the messages, morals, teachings arnt always bad but the fact that it seperates you from someone that may be muslim or buddhist or jewish... etc when in the end we are all human beings and should love and respect each other regardless of what "god" we pray to. I wish you luck little lady and hope you can find peace in your group of friends. even though i consider myself to be an atheist, im still friends with people that are religious.