How do I heal when we have kids?

[Supersarahp]

OOh - I just saw Chris in my work canteen. I blanked him and he blanked me. I did manage to note that he looks really ill though! Jeez I think he has lost more weight - he looks terrible. When I have seen him dropping the kids off he is always wearing a coat so you can't really tell but today he was sitting at a table. He doesn't look good.

 

My friend, Leanne, who used to work with Chris says she saw him as well. She text me to say she was sitting on a table between Chris and I. She says Chris kept looking over at me all through lunch. I can't say I noticed - I only realised he was even there about 5 mins before I went back to work.

 

One interesting point - he wanted to keep the kids until this morning. Lauren told me his mum is away with work at the moment and he was working today. Begs the question - who the nora was going to take my children to school?

[Supersarahp]

Omg I am physically shaking. I had a voicemail while at work asking me to contact social services urgently. I rang her back on my break and basically she told me:

 

Chris rang social services and told them I stay in bed all day and allow the children to play with knives - the woman was lovely and said they have no concerns and they spoke to the school who said the children are well adjusted and they have no concerns.

 

In fact the woman said that the school said the children seem much happier since the separation an they said I am a very conscientious and attentive mother. They said the kids are never late for school. The social worker said I hav absolutely nothing to worry about and that they have to check these things out.

 

I went back to work and burst into tears. I don't know why I am surprised - remember my first fear way way back in this thread? I said he would try to take my children. I cried for about 10 minutes to my team leader - poor woman! Lol she was really great.

 

The social worker knew it was a pack of lies even though she couldn't come right out and say it. She said he first said that I stay in bed all day and then changed it to all morning. He rang back today to try to retract it and said after the weekend he is no longer worried. He has just basically made himself look like king prat. I told the social worker that I think it is retaliation because I told him off for leaving the boys on the doorstep. I told her about Lauren saying he was punching liam. She said if I have any concerns I can withdraw access from him. She was lovely.

 

I'm physically shaking - I'm so angry. Do what you want to me you complete banking wastard but don't you dare try to come between me and my children.

 

I guess now we know why he was staring at me at lunch time - probe trying to work out if I had been contacted. Spineless spineless snaking coward.

 

I have never in all my life been this angry.

[Nattersmatter]

OOh - I just saw Chris in my work canteen. I blanked him and he blanked me. I did manage to note that he looks really ill though! Jeez I think he has lost more weight - he looks terrible. When I have seen him dropping the kids off he is always wearing a coat so you can't really tell but today he was sitting at a table. He doesn't look good.

 

My friend, Leanne, who used to work with Chris says she saw him as well. She text me to say she was sitting on a table between Chris and I. She says Chris kept looking over at me all through lunch. I can't say I noticed - I only realised he was even there about 5 mins before I went back to work.

 

Yeah, well, his little plan for leverage towards having his cake and eating it (perks of marriage and of singledom), backfired, didn't it. He wanted you to put the lover back into the relationship or, if you refused, to allow him to take a lover on the side. That's no solution, though, is it. A solution should make BOTH partners happy. Plus the solution was for him to stop being such a lazy cop-out merchant so that you had a reason to respect him (delusions have a shelf life, innit). But that meant hard work. 'Hard Work Special versus Cheating Special? I'll take the Cheating Special, please, waiter?' Oh, dear, did it give him tummy ache? Aww...

 

One interesting point - he wanted to keep the kids until this morning. Lauren told me his mum is away with work at the moment and he was working today. Begs the question - who the nora was going to take my children to school?

 

Someone else OR he would have come into work late (pretending he'd been left holding the babies).

 

I imagine if Chris had had a (cough) friend to stay, that Lauren will let you know at some point.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh

My

God.

 

Desperate is as Desperate does, eh?

 

That's slander, Sarah. Pure and simple. You need that solicitor. NOW.

 

But understand something, he's not trying to take the children. He's trying to upset you, to get revenge on you for not having let him get his way which (his perception) he wouldn't have needed if you'd been a doormat and let him behave as he'd always done without any complaints.

 

I told you. The guy is scum. SCUM. Personality Disordered... Not even the sacrosanct is off-limits as a tool. Scum are incredible actors. They can kid you for years - or for as long as its in their interests to - that they aren't scum, that they're nice, benign, poor wickle fings.

 

Solicitor. Get this one on record. And meantime, write your own letter about his UNCONSCIONABLE act. I would also mention that to endeavour to deprive three children of their beloved mother without any cause to, is, in terms of consequence (had SS believed him), CHILD ABUSE. He attempted indirect child abuse.

 

Loves his kids? PFFFF. Yeah. So we see.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Anyway, I hope you can see now what I meant by 'He's not going to get the kids'? Sure, he might try. But people are NOT stupid, particularly not people who are charged with not being stupid, with looking beneath the surface. You need to trust life/people that bit more.

 

What ABOUT this: "She said if I have any concerns I can withdraw access from him".

 

?

 

xoxo

[nookbridge]

I'm going to take a positive outlook on this Sarah. One day, you're going to thank this waste of spunk for doing that. I think with this he's pushed you over the edge that you need to be pushed over to get some things done - get a lawyer, fight harder than you ever have in your life for your children and eliminate any minute, tiniest of tiny trace to get back with this awful man in your life. He doesn't know what he did today - clearly this guy is not the sharpest tool in the shed. My heart goes out to you - I hope you're able to ride this choppy wave out, but he did you a world of good in terms of you getting to calm waters - by God, that is beyond reproach. For your sake, remember that anger and put yourself in that spot any time you're in problems with this man - you don't need any more motivation for this going forward.

 

You're a champion - you're going to fight through this with no problems. Again, you have to be an utter fool. This is something my pops has tried to play with I was little so it's bringing flashbacks, and this is just absolutely bonkers. Go to f*ckin hell you idiot!

 

FYI - when you are really, really angry, notice how you stop swearing ;-)

[Supersarahp]

Thanks guys. I spoke to the kids about it in gentle way. I just said they wouldn't be in any trouble and I just wanted to check something out with them. I said: "have you guys ever played with knives when mummy is not looking?"

 

Lauren said : "once you were upstairs and the boys took knives out of the drawer and I told them it was naughty and I told you"

 

Me: "when was this?"

 

Lauren: "2 years ago"

 

I remembered it then. I was upstairs getting some clothes for Liam for about 2 minutes and Lauren shouted "mummy the boys have got knives" I ran down and they had a dinner knife each. I took them straight off them and told them off.

 

I said to Lauren: "and was that the only time?" And she said "yes"

 

I said "oh were you chatting to daddy about it?"

 

Lauren: "yes"

 

Me: "oh how come?"

 

Lauren: "he asked me if the boys had ever done anything really really naughty"

 

Me: "oh I think he thinks that happened recently"

 

Lauren: "no I told him it was 2 years ago - he is a dirty little liar"

 

Me: "no honey I think he just got confused - don't you worry about it"

 

So he has basically fished for something, anything, that he can twist and use against me. It's revenge pure and simple because of the doorstep issue.

 

I said to the social worker "I am racking my brains to think of any time anything like that could have happened"

 

She said "maybe check with the kids - could have been something and nothing whole you were in the toilet or something"

 

Oh yes he also told social services that I always leave things on the hob and the kids told him I left a lunch box on there and it caught fire.

 

I said: "well that one is kind of true. I didn't leave it on the hob but it was on the work top next to the hob and must have been just overlapping. While I wa cooking I didn't notice and it began to melt. I was like "omg" and got it off"

 

Her response : "well we have all done things like that haven't we?"

[Supersarahp]

Great -

 

I just popped upstairs to plug my phone in and Lauren followed me and said "you shouldn't be up here while we are downstairs"

 

Me: "I'm just plugging my phone in Lauren"

 

L: "hmmm"

 

Me: "are you angry with me about something"

 

L: "daddy says if you ever have a rest when we are downstairs he is going to ring the police"

 

Me: "well I don't have a rest upstairs while you are downstairs so he can ring the police as much as he likes"

 

L: "he says you should be downstairs at all times if we are downstairs to make sure we are safe"

 

Me: "when daddy lived here did he ever go upstairs when you were downstairs"

 

L: "yes when he had to fix the curtain rail and things"

 

Me: "did he ever let you go downstairs to watch tv while he was still in bed?"

 

L: "yes"

 

Me: "do I leave you downstairs for a long time while I am upstairs"

 

L: "no you don't"

 

Me: "and have you ever come to any harm?"

 

L: "no"

 

Me: "so what is daddy talking about?"

 

L: " I don't know"

 

 

He is really trying to break me - he is really going to town with this bull - arghhhhh

[Supersarahp]

Oh and ps Nook - he isn't a waste I spunk - that was the only part of him I had any use for!!

[Supersarahp]

I am seeing the mediation lady tonight - so we shall see what comes of that! Watch this space. The truth will out!

[Nattersmatter]

In future do NOT tell her she got something wrong and is confused. Just don't comment if you don't want to agree. But don't ever tell her her perception is wrong when it's NOT wrong or you'll be doing to her, whether or not mildly, what Chris's mother did to him!

 

Yes, we HAVE all done things like that. This, when gauging fit versus unfit parent, is about DEGREES. Him trying to deprive his kids of their vital mother is a degree way beyond any mere human clumsiness or absent-mindedness. Also, what proves something a mistake is that it was unintentional and was never repeated. TWICE he has put the kids in the way of a 10-tonne truck! These are not mistakes.

 

I am SO GLAD he has done this right before the mediation meeting. You make sure you bring this up and you make sure you have data to back it up - time you called SS and/or name of person you spoke to, AND Lauren's response (I told him it was 2 years ago).

 

He has just dug himself a very deep grave and at the worst time possible. Not the sharpest tool? He's as blunt as a fecking feather!

 

xoxo

 

PS: Can't answer your PM - your box is full. (Cue comeback from Nookbridge in return for the pizza one, LOL)

[Nattersmatter]

PS: He's clearly self-destructing and doesn't even know it.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PPS: Not even going to SAY good luck for the meeting cos you don't even need it. Not a smidgen.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Just got out of the meeting - it was good. I didn't tell Lauren she was wrong or confused - just told her that daddy must have been confused (couldn't very well say yes you are right he is a dirty little liar) but I take your point and will be more careful in future.

 

The meeting was really good. I told her my version of events. Every time I told her the things Chris has done she looked frowny and shook her head like "that's bad"

 

When I told her about him calling SS she could not believe it. She said "what on earth possessed him to do that?" She said "you need to know that can never happen again. He can't do that."

 

She said "we'll help you get this sorted out. He can't do things like that. It's also abusing the social services and misusing them"

 

She was very nice and she seemed to really appreciate my side of it.

 

She is trying to schedule in a meeting for Friday evening for both of us! She rang Chris but got voicemail so she left a message. She will let me know if and when he responds.

 

So we shall see - I hope he bloody goes for it. I want to get on with it. I feel better for talking to her.

Felt so drained all day.

 

Ps - I will delete some of my inbox messages.

[Supersarahp]

Update: Chris has agreed to Friday night! All systems go-

 

I totally forgot my mum is going to be visiting my sister though! I will ask my other sister to sit with the kids.

[Nattersmatter]

Just got out of the meeting - it was good. I didn't tell Lauren she was wrong or confused - just told her that daddy must have been confused (couldn't very well say yes you are right he is a dirty little liar) but I take your point and will be more careful in future.

 

I meant, by telling her Chris was confused when he bloody well wasn't and when she KNEW he bloody well wasn't, you were telling her SHE was confused. But you've got the main gist so, no worries.

 

I know this is unchartered territory for you, so I don't even expect you to have a ready remedies book and nor am I criticising when I point stuff out, I'm warning you for NEXT time. Here's my stock phrase: "Really? Do you think so? Oh. I think maybe I need to have a harder think about it, then. But not right now, eh, cos yadder-yadder-thing-to-do". And trust me - I need it! - ANY excuse to call Joe a liar rather than admit he said something that upset Joe or nearly screwed something of his up! STILL! And I do mean any! And even when there are witnesses to back Joe up I KID YOU NOT! ..."Joe did it. It was Joe, not me. Joe's lying. Joe started it. Joe's lying again. Nyuh-nyuh-NYUH". You'd think the guy was his older sibling rather than his father. Come to mention it, *Joe* sees his father as an older sibling and not a father! Wonder why, eh, coo, what a mystery...

 

Aaaany-hoo...

 

The meeting was really good. I told her my version of events. Every time I told her the things Chris has done she looked frowny and shook her head like "that's bad"

 

She's not thick, then.

 

When I told her about him calling SS she could not believe it. She said "what on earth possessed him to do that?" She said "you need to know that can never happen again. He can't do that."

 

Good. She means HE needs to know, as well as that you need to make sure you do something formal and concrete about it.

 

She said "we'll help you get this sorted out. He can't do things like that. It's also abusing the social services and misusing them"

 

Yyyyyup. For all *he* knows, they might have taken him seriously, meaning, not only would he have jeopardised your kids' futures, but he could have slowed them down and some kiddie died or was seriously injured because of it. I am not being alarmist, here, either.

 

She was very nice and she seemed to really appreciate my side of it.

 

Good.

 

She is trying to schedule in a meeting for Friday evening for both of us! She rang Chris but got voicemail so she left a message. She will let me know if and when he responds.

 

Yeah. "If". (Don't hold your breath.)

 

So we shall see - I hope he bloody goes for it. I want to get on with it. I feel better for talking to her.

Felt so drained all day.

 

I know. It's hard work dealing with madness, isn't it. Now imagine being a psychiatrist(!!!!!). New respect for the psychiatric industry? I should cocoa!

 

Ps - I will delete some of my inbox messages.

 

Okay, motormouth, LOL.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Update: Chris has agreed to Friday night! All systems go-

 

He's going to drop the mediation, you watch.

 

I totally forgot my mum is going to be visiting my sister though! I will ask my other sister to sit with the kids.

 

Noted.

 

Do you have a big wall calendar?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

He's going to drop the mediation, you watch.

 

 

 

Noted.

 

Do you have a big wall calendar?

 

xoxo

 

I did have one but it wouldn't stay on the bloody wall - awkward, temperamental thing - I named it Chris! Hahah - must get a new one. The kids have got party invitations coming out of their ears at the moment among other things. I used to have a nearly photographic memory but age creeps up on you lol.

 

I suspect he will attend mediation because in his warped little world he thinks he is right and reasonable and no don't thinks "they will see what an unreasonable beech she is"

[Supersarahp]

Oh yes also-

 

I am pretty sure he is trying to dissuade the kids from liking the childminder. I have no proof but I know my kids. Last week they loved going there and were very enthusiastic. One night with him and now they say they are bored of the childminder and don't want to go. See I really don't think they mean it.

 

It's a half hearted "oh I don't wanna go to the childminder it's boring"

And then they drop it straight away. They don't fuss at all about walking there and when they get there they go in no problem.

 

Now when my kids REALLY don't want to do something they make it very clearly known (actions). I'm convinced he has planted the idea in their heads that its a bad idea.

 

Really pees me off cos I was more than happy for him to have them for the school runs etc while I am at work but he refused. I only have a childminder because of him. It's just pure spite. Oh well not going to worry about it as I can't prove it anyway.

 

 

Also on another note - so many people are telling me how happy I seem. Now granted they may be saying it to give me a boost but I don't think so. My mum was saying yesterday "you seem so much happier since he left. Everything is much more up together too. You are on top of the house, everything is running more smoothly"

 

Even the school said as much to social services "if anything the kids seem a lot happier and well adjusted since the separation"

 

I know it's been said on this thread before many times but this is the point that keeps hitting me between the eyes.

 

I HONESTLY thought my unhappiness and stress came from within myself. I thought I made our house stressful , that I wasn't good at coping with 3 demanding kids, that he was so badly done by an put upon. That I was a horrible person.

 

I thought "if I struggle with him here I would absolutely crumble without him here"

 

I just find it amazing that it was him all along - not saying 100% - I have to accept that I had a part in the issues etc. This has been such a revelation for me. I feel set free.

 

This has been the most horrendous period of my life. Finding out your husband has reported you to social services - that's a new low. I have felt wretched since he left but only in connection to him. Like my mum said "you are fine and happy until he has them and drops them home and every time something is said or done and it knocks you back - then you are fine again until the next time he has them"

 

After Chris left my sister said to me "I have been thinking that you seemed stressed a lot and unhappy and I didn't know why. Now it all makes so much sense"

 

A few months ago my dad said to me "are you ok, you seem really down and depressed lately"

I was annoyed at the time cos I didn't see it.

 

See, I never spoke to anyone about the state of my relationship - not my sisters, not even my mum. I kept it all inside. I couldn't talk to anyone because he was so suspicious and paranoid even when I didn't talk. He hated the thought of anyone knowing anything about us. I couldn't even put anything about him on Facebook - even complimentary.

 

I have my vision of my happy life and I nearly have it all in place. I sincerely hope this mediation meeting on Friday goes well.

[Nattersmatter]

I did have one but it wouldn't stay on the bloody wall - awkward, temperamental thing - I named it Chris! Hahah

 

Too funny!!!

 

- must get a new one. The kids have got party invitations coming out of their ears at the moment among other things. I used to have a nearly photographic memory but age creeps up on you lol.

 

Does it? I wouldn't know (I'm only 6) (child genius).

 

I suspect he will attend mediation because in his warped little world he thinks he is right and reasonable and no don't thinks "they will see what an unreasonable beech she is"

 

Given that he DID hear Lauren tell him it was old, pre-separation news, I disagree he thinks he's in the reasonable right. He's just DESPERATE. Desperate is as desperate does. Desperate for what? Revenge. Again - you didn't roll over and take it, you beeee-atch!

 

He'll get bored at some point if you ignore when you can and side-step and out-fox where you can. Like we say - you're too clever for him and you never give him the reaction he's after (nervous breakdown or merely going PLEUGH and waving the white flag).

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

He's told them that if they would rather go to HIM, they should make that clear to you. So you're getting 'kiddie clear'... but only half-hearted, as you plainly see (because underneath it all, they can in fact suspect what he's up to). You need to ask them to post in their "Tell it like it is" boxes about why they're acting up about going to the childminder.

 

 

 

I said it, too. So did Nookie (didn't he?). So you've got a consensus. BELIEVE IT.

 

 

 

Is this my moment to sing the Told You So song? LOL

 

 

 

Yes, it was literally unconscionable. Time for the kiddie collection/drop-off go-between? Your parents' house?

 

 

 

Were you finding yourself tetchily complaining a lot about everything and being generally very negative and pessimistic?

 

 

 

Bullies rely on your compliant silence. Remember that. Always.

 

 

 

It will. Maybe especially because it won't even happen? Dunno... we'll see...

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

PS: Have it in quote form:

 

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do [including say] nothing" - Edmund Burke.

 

You're learning that even if you're a cat, you're still in the final analysis a pack animal who relies on it, aren't you.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

PS: Have it in quote form:

 

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do [including say] nothing" - Edmund Burke.

 

You're learning that even if you're a cat, you're still in the final analysis a pack animal who relies on it, aren't you.

 

xoxo

 

Always knew it just couldn't do it cos it peed him off.

 

As to the question about was I tetchy, pessimistic and negative.

Tetchy yes impatient too and grouchy. I blamed it on nightshifts and before that - being stuck at home - partly it was those things but not mainly.

 

I always say I am the eternal optimist - so pessimistic I'm not sure - maybe sometimes. I remember over the past couple of years having a few moments where I would catch myself thinking "I feel happy today - wow forgot what that feels like" see I used to be happy as a default when I was younger - even through the first few years with Chris. It was when I started needing him that I became unhappy cos he didn't deliver. I guess that was the first real test of our relationship. It's all immaterial now.

 

Felt good today no issues! (Don't speak too soon the day is not over)

 

Everyone is now saying they think Chris has mentally cracked lol - cos of the social services thing. I think it's just true colours like you said.

[Supersarahp]

He has filed for divorce on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour. He has painted this massive picture of me as a terrible wife and mother !! Haha might post it here later. I need to get the kid to bed first.

 

Will call a solicitor tomorrow about it.

 

Spoke too soon didn't I? Quiet day my @ss

[Nattersmatter]

Was just about to respond but the Chinese takeaway's just arrived, I'll have to post properly afterwards, but... suffice to say for now about what I think about this latest of his? (preview):

 

UGH!

 

xoxo