How do I heal when we have kids?

[Supersarahp]

Wow that describes my relationship perfectly. It's what I have felt for years but been unable to fully articulate.

 

He has picked the kids up now. He straight away gave me the £25 - I did not ask him or even mention it! I swear. I knew he would. I don't want any money from you though!

 

He was really friendly and nice. He has made this whole list of his shifts and co ordinated it with the rota we agreed at mediation, he has asked for one swap which I said I will consider (and I'm guessing you will say that's the reason he gave the money back - as a sweetener. It occurred to me too.)

 

He said he really enjoyed mediation and felt that it has helped him to understand my point of view and he hoped it was the same for me and that I could understand his shift issues. I said I didn't want to comment and get into an argument so we should just leave it as we have agreed a course of action now.

 

He said he didn't mind if I wanted to say and that he was is a better place to hear it now.

 

I said "well I do understand that your job is being awkward about your shift change request, however I feel that I have put the children first since day one. I sacrificed my career for 8 years because i thought i had security with you but you left me with nothing and I don't have a career now just a part time job but you have not had to sacrifice anything" I got a bit tearful while I was saying it. I then changed the subject and popped into the house to get one of the kids' things

 

Since this whole thing started he has been closed and cold. Tonight he was looking at me like he used to. The same way he was at mediation last night. It's like he is back the way he was before he said it was over - I don't know how to describe it really. For the first time since all this he is looking at me like he might want to come back.

 

I'm thinking "don't you bloody dare start getting those ideas you little effer. I'm doing well I don't want all that emotional $h!t "

 

I told him I got Lauren a book about parents splitting up and he looked sad.

 

It's funny actually how that came about. We were walking to sainsburys this morning and there was a sign outside the library saying "book sale, fill a bag of books for £1"

 

Lauren asked if we could do it. So the kids filled the bag and I gave Lauren £1 to pay. As she was queuing up I glanced down and saw a book called "lets talk about your parent's divorce" so I got it and have it to Lauren.

 

She read it today am kept saying "yes good". She said "this book is only small but it is really helping me"

 

I was really pleased.

[Supersarahp]

Oh forgot to say - he wants me to email him at work so we can make a rolling rota (cos work computers have excel)

[Supersarahp]

Bit peeved cos Liam was meant to go to a friends birthday party today which I forgot when I said Chris could have them. I told Chris about It and that he would need to buy a present. The party is an hour.

 

Chris just text me saying that he has told the mum of the kid that Liam is not going to the party as Liam wants to spend the day with his cousins.

 

Not a big deal really and at least he has told me about it but its peed me off a bit. I don't know why really - I suspect he is just wriggling out of facing other parents.

 

Having a bit of a down day. Not too bad - nowhere near as bad as a couple of months ago. Wrong time of the month and lack of energy and I miss my kids. I won't see them until tomorrow night.

 

I am feeling wistful like wishing he had not left . It's so stupid. I've been happier since he left. Everything's been better in so many ways. I see how bad the relationship was for so long. I see how we are so wrong for each other and he stunted me and held me back. I know all this but for some reason since last night I have been getting thoughts that I want him back. I hope it passes cos it is depressing. I went out last night with Janine and a couple of her friends. Her friends are both 21 and one of them must have been a size nothing! They were friendly and stuff. My heart just wasn't in it. I felt old and fat. More than that - I felt completely lost. I just kept thinking back years and years ago when Chris and I used to go on nights out. For the first time last night I really missed him.

 

I hope this feeling hurries up and buggers off. I want my kids back now - I want to cuddle them but I can't cos they are off with him having a whale of a time and I feel deprived of them and it feels unfair.

[Fraggle]

SSP,

 

I can relate to your feelings about missing them although you can't fully understand how you can miss them given what you've been through, it is incredibly confusing and you get cross at yourself for allowing those thoughts to surface...

 

I think it is part of the process and when they're nice to you, you see the "old them" briefly and it makes your heart go a little aflutter....

 

Bet you didn't think you'd even consider the thought of feeling as if you'd want them back.

 

Familiarity is what I put it down to and having to face something new. ALthough no children to miss for me i did go out a fair bit at the beginning with friends, but I missed her when I went out and looking around I just wasn't interested in anything really...

 

Go easy on yourself SSP, don't be cross at yourself for feeling those emotions... it won't help if he is looking more amenable either...

 

Try and feel your way through it, but I dread to think how you feel dealing with the children on top of that emotional turmoil....

 

You're doing great, and don't be hard on yourself, it was something I was great at.... (you're too soft, don't feel for her etc....) it's all part of the process in my mind

[Supersarahp]

Thank you Fraggle you are absolutely right. The feeling has kind of passed again already - it was fleeting. It's kind of like mourning I guess. It's nice to know someone can relate to it. I appreciate your support.

[Nattersmatter]

Wow that describes my relationship perfectly. It's what I have felt for years but been unable to fully articulate.

 

He has picked the kids up now. He straight away gave me the £25 - I did not ask him or even mention it! I swear. I knew he would. I don't want any money from you though!

 

He was really friendly and nice. He has made this whole list of his shifts and co ordinated it with the rota we agreed at mediation, he has asked for one swap which I said I will consider (and I'm guessing you will say that's the reason he gave the money back - as a sweetener. It occurred to me too.)

 

Damn right. So I owe you £50 for the fact he paid it back straight away but you owe me £50 - equals zero - for the fact that he did it not due to moral values but because he wanted something from you ...or some thingZUH...

 

He said he really enjoyed mediation and felt that it has helped him to understand my point of view

 

This is him using another value - conciliation - as a mere currency...

 

and he hoped it was the same for me and that I could understand his shift issues.

 

...He is pre-paying you for yet MORE custody swap-overs still to come...

 

I said I didn't want to comment and get into an argument so we should just leave it as we have agreed a course of action now.

 

... in which case, Good for you!

 

He said he didn't mind if I wanted to say and that he was is a better place to hear it now.

 

Still pre-payment.

 

I said "well I do understand that your job is being awkward about your shift change request, however I feel that I have put the children first since day one. I sacrificed my career for 8 years because i thought i had security with you but you left me with nothing and I don't have a career now just a part time job but you have not had to sacrifice anything" I got a bit tearful while I was saying it. I then changed the subject and popped into the house to get one of the kids' things

 

Since this whole thing started he has been closed and cold. Tonight he was looking at me like he used to. The same way he was at mediation last night. It's like he is back the way he was before he said it was over - I don't know how to describe it really. For the first time since all this he is looking at me like he might want to come back.

 

I'm thinking "don't you bloody dare start getting those ideas you little effer. I'm doing well I don't want all that emotional $h!t "

 

PRECISELY. Understand this: a relationship dynamic is two people on a see-saw together. The ideal position is horizontal/equal but this isn't possible for two reasons: [1] human nature (changing emotional and strength states) and [2] environmental nature (changing climate, especially wind strength and direction - aka Life's Sh*t or Surprises).

 

The optimum according to reality rather than ideality is therefore takesie-turnsies. When you feel down (sad, confused/helpless, tired, ill), I shall be up. When I feel down, you shall be up.

 

Chris's first primary relationship was with his mother. She had been trained by her own parents to be comfortable with only two positions: Constantly Down (the position she was raised in). Or Constantly Up (the position she chose when she left them for a sexual relationship). So she naturally illustratively and demonstrably taught this dynamic to Chris, meaning his comfort zone in a primary relationship is either Constantly Down (like he was when and considering, naturally, he was weaker than her throughout his childhood) or, with his mother-replacement, Constantly Up.

 

Seeing as how he's comfortable with EITHER of those two fixed positions, it's not difficult to force him from Constantly Up into Constantly Down. And that's what you've just done.

 

But if you got back onto that see-saw with him, you could NEVER expect to end up with a see-saw ride that featured the norm of up, middle, down, middle, up, middle, down... constantly changing to suit circumstances and environmental factors. He would first have to realise there even WAS any position between Up and Down to be had. And to see WHY the constantly moving see-saw was better for both parties.

 

But here's the rub: it's HARDER WORK to be constantly pushing on your thigh muscles in response to whatever the climate/circumstance/your partner demands at any given moment. If requires concentration and vigilance, including tuning into and monitoring your partner's total communication channels (not just their mouth).

 

Take you being ill and asleep that time. That was you communicating, I am Down which requires you to take the Up position. Did he? NAO, course 'e bloody didn't! He did nothing but feel RESENTFUL at being called to be Up for a while. And that resentment, he showed (with rotten bells on!).

 

Any time you forced him to be an adult... any time you forced him to have to MOVE that seesaw, to CHANGE his position, to diligently have to MONITOR the dynamic...to operate according to anything BUT his comfort zone of , you got punished.

 

He's lazy and inflexible. But then, why wouldn't he be? Constantly Up or Constantly Down aren't just his comfort zones. They bring *rewards*. And the number 1 reward according to Chris (and his mother) is called, 'I get to be a lazy'. If ever laziness isn't possible? - in comes CHEATING... aka doing the barest minimum.

 

Damn RIGHT you don't want that back!

 

He is cheating now. Just pretending to offer a Horizontal position. The minute you agree, and get back on that seesaw, and get ready to take the horizontal position, he will push his weight down to get foot purchase on the ground whereupon he'll push his legs too forcefully whilst at the same time throwing some kind of concrete breezeblock onto your side of the seesaw so that you go CLONK!, painfully into the Down position again, with him back in the Up position... stuck fast that way! Or he will allow you to put a breezeblock onto his side (or put it there himself) so that you get stuck in the Up position (and he gets to be baby/Down again). As I say - he is fine with either. ...but not really. If he really liked being Constantly Up, he would be sweet tempered and nice to you once he was up there, wouldn't he (logical, Captain). He never is. He prefers Constantly Down. Cos he knew that one for FAR LONGER... grew up with it.

 

It's hardly surprising he wants to go back to his childhood as authentically as possible, is it? It wasn't done properly. But he's stupid so he misreads that urge to go back and do it again properly for him having liked the first version (duh).

 

So, anyway... You'd have a fourth kid again.

 

You don't need a fourth kid nowadays, at this juncture of your life and your kids' lives. You need a *man*.

 

Anyway, back to the details...

 

I told him I got Lauren a book about parents splitting up and he looked sad.

 

Course he would. He wants that rotten seesaw back. Why wouldn't he when he had it so cushy on there?? Lemonentry, dear Watson.

 

You didn't feel sad, though, note (asterisks):

 

It's *funny actually how that came about. We were walking to sainsburys this morning and there was a sign outside the library saying "book sale, fill a bag of books for £1"

 

Lauren asked if we could do it. So the kids filled the bag and I gave Lauren £1 to pay. As she was queuing up I glanced down and saw a book called "lets talk about your parent's divorce" *so I got it and [gave] it to Lauren.

 

She read it today am kept saying "yes good". She said "this book is only small but it is really helping me"

 

I was *really pleased.

 

Too little, too late, Chris. Too little, too late. You had your chance and you blew it. Scratch that! You had your chancEZ-EZ-EZ-EZ-EZ (x 100,000) and blew THEM.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Bit peeved cos Liam was meant to go to a friends birthday party today which I forgot when I said Chris could have them. I told Chris about It and that he would need to buy a present. The party is an hour.

 

Chris just text me saying that he has told the mum of the kid that Liam is not going to the party as Liam wants to spend the day with his cousins.

 

Not a big deal really and at least he has told me about it but its peed me off a bit. I don't know why really - I suspect he is just wriggling out of facing other parents.

 

Yes, but to be fair, you [1] didn't give him adequate notice. Plus, [2] whether he allows Liam to go to a party on his watch, is his decision. Liam doesn't have to LIKE his decision, but that's between him and his father... is part of what Chris sows ergo sooner or later reaps. The kids have to realise, now, that there are TWO sub-societies within the main public one, meaning two separate sets of rules by which to operate.

 

What you have to from now on do if any invitation falls on his watch is ask the parent to inform Chris.

 

You can certainly play advocate to any of your kids if, say, they really want to go to the party. But it's still his decision, meaning, if Chris really doesn't want them to, just as they'd have to respect and accept your own say on the matter if it were your feelings about it on your watch, they have to respect and accept his. If he's always fair about it, they won't have any reason to grow up resenting him, will they.

 

Having a bit of a down day. Not too bad - nowhere near as bad as a couple of months ago. Wrong time of the month and lack of energy and I miss my kids. I won't see them until tomorrow night.

 

I am feeling wistful like wishing he had not left . It's so stupid. I've been happier since he left. Everything's been better in so many ways. I see how bad the relationship was for so long. I see how we are so wrong for each other and he stunted me and held me back. I know all this but for some reason since last night I have been getting thoughts that I want him back. I hope it passes cos it is depressing.

 

It will. It's only because the old habit package was habit and thereby was easier. It won't take long, however, for this new package to become habit. Once it does? NO CONTEST!

 

Not long now...

 

I went out last night with Janine and a couple of her friends. Her friends are both 21 and one of them must have been a size nothing! They were friendly and stuff. My heart just wasn't in it. I felt old and fat. More than that - I felt completely lost. I just kept thinking back years and years ago when Chris and I used to go on nights out. For the first time last night I really missed him.

 

You don't really miss him, you miss the person you back then thought he was (and would be)... which he wasn't.

 

I hope this feeling hurries up and buggers off. I want my kids back now - I want to cuddle them but I can't cos they are off with him having a whale of a time and I feel deprived of them and it feels unfair.

 

You don't want to cuddle them, you want to BE cuddled (diff/diff).

 

Methinks you've got too little to do this weekend and are bored.

 

What could you do?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Or like wot Frags just said (sorry for duplication - hadn't read ahead).

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Parte Trois de "Le Plus Grand Gaffaw Du Monde", avec Christopher Pee dans la role de LE PLANK:

 

On 24th December 2012 the petitioner collected the respondent from work. The petitioner and the children were excited to see the respondent as they had been wrapping Christmas presents all day and wanted to tell the respondent what they had been up to. The respondent ignored the children and the petitioner as she was far too concerned about pursuing childcare arrangements with her mother in law and using bad language in front of the children.

 

The despondent was far too concerned about the big stuff that couldn't wait than the small stuff that could, which attitude ran contrary to the petty-tioner's own.

 

When the children failed to respect the fact the despondent was on the phone and quieten down, the despondent, already knackered from work and unable to rely on the parental cooperation of the petty-tioner, broke with her super-human strength and swore (umm!), thereby showing the children she was NOT superhuman (UMM!). The petty-tioner didn't like this because he relied on the children believing that she was (for obvious reasons).

 

The purpose of collecting the respondent was to go on a shopping trip to spend nectar points they had collected all year.

 

The petty-tioner's subconscious would like the court to take note and store of the word 'they' (because it's one of the rare times they will ever hear it in the context of marital money, this case, being only to falsely attribute responsibility onto the despondent and thereby an equally false sense that the despondent should have been as excited about spending "their" money as the actual owner of that money (the petty-tioner)).

 

When arriving at the store the respondent was annoyed and angry as she had wanted to spend the points the day before. The petitioner had disagreed and suggested sticking to the original plan of spending the points on treats and extras.

 

...Accordingly, the despondent resented the fact that the points weren't getting spent on stuff they actually desperately needed as opposed to stuff they (he) wanted.

 

The respondent became difficult during the shopping trip causing the petitioner to walk away.

 

The despondent dared to feel aggrieved at the fact that she had no financial power of attorney nor got any say and input in any decision thus final ruling whatsoever.

 

The respondent would remain difficult throughout the trip and then apologise for it.

 

Being a sucker for guilt and not wanting revenge later down the line, the despondent would feel bad about this healthy sense of aggrievement and try to cancel it out.

 

At the end of the shopping trip the respondent asked the petitioner to get some pickled onions while she got a card for a neighbour and arranged to meet him by the cards. The petitioner arrived at the cards but the respondent was not there. The petitioner waited for 25 minutes until she eventually showed up. This is just one example of many where the respondent continues to shop in a supermarket and abandons the petitioner without communicating or shopping together as a family.

 

The petty-tioner would like the court to note that, "Whaah, I thought mummy had abandoned meeeeee!!!" and that he was, as per, very resentful even after he'd realised she hadn't and had simply not been superwoman in her ability to calculate the duration of an event containing variables outside of her realm of control to the nearest minute, second and nano-second.

 

The petty-tioner would like the court to note how unreasonable it is that a woman who is systematically for years treated like non-family by her partner should behave like the opposite had always been the case.

 

The petty-tioner would also like the court to suspend disbelief about the inferred allegation that he and his wife were the only couple in the modern Western world who ...didn't own mobile phones.

 

On 26th December 2012 the respondent and the petitioner attended a family meal at the petitioners sisters flat in Weymouth.

 

The petty-tioner would like it noted that he thinks the court is no better, no more seriously-intentioned or principled than his next-door-neighbour, interested purely in petty vindications described to the Nth, even as far as irrelevant details like 'Weymouth' (along with the entire highly petty and trivial contents of this affidavit) and actually has zero clue about how and what the adult world operates and is concerned with. The petty-tioner would like the court to realise he is only 5 years old.

 

The respondent unreasonably enforced a discussion already covered before Christmas about childcare in the new year.

 

By 'covered', the petty-tioner means touched on but dismissed prematurely, which, in the petty-tioner's world means 'covered'. The petty-tioner had already told the despondent 'not now - later' but the despondent had failed to realise that meant, 'never' (the mad b*tch).

 

The petitioner explained to the respondent that he had already communicated he could not discover his shift pattern for the new year as he was covering a team leaders sickness shift pattern and would know better once he returned to work in the new year. The respondent was unhappy that the petitioner was not calling into work earlier to find out his shift pattern. The petitioner explained that this was not the place to discuss childcare and that he would discuss it later. The respondent kept on pushing the petitioner to discuss the issue until the petitioner shouted that he did not know his plans.

 

(You see, now, Sarah - this is where he seemingly demand everyone believe he actually IS thick. Because what he's doing here, which he MUST KNOW, is basically saying, 'I am a totally irresponsible parent with no concept of the need for parental peace of mind for the sake of the children's peace of mind, am so devoid of adult self-assertiveness that I cannot even ask my boss to honour my right to fair and reasonable information, and when pressed I become unreasonable in manner (shouting unnecessarily) because I lack the adult capability of handling even any modicum of emotion beyond a childlike portion'. He cannot be that all-round thick nor that self-sabotaging so I can only presume that he thought YOU would be telling the court all about these events in equally trivial over-detail, and wished to 'head them off at the pass'.)

 

The respondent left the main living area and spent the majority of the occasion in the petitioners nephews bedroom. She remained there until the petitioner had thought about his actions and apologised for what he had done. The petitioner and the respondent seperated on 4th January 2013 and they have not resumed cohabitation. Since that date.

L

 

The petty-tioner finds it highly unreasonable that when given basis for getting very upset, a person accordingly gets very upset. The petty-tioner was, you see, always taught that NOTHING he said could possibly have any effect, and that where it did, the victim should keep it firmly to his or herself.

 

The petty-tioner would also like to divorce his MOTHER but hasn't worked that part out yet.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Thanks Nat this reminds me why I definitely never want him back!

 

I know I don't have to but I want to explain that Xmas eve phone call because his version was such an out and out lie!! I had worked and he and the kids picked me up. While I was waiting for him his mother called me in a state over his sister. She couldn't contact her. Kelly had asked his mum for money and she was sick of giving it. She was going on and on and on, "I think Kelly might be on drugs still, I'm not helping her any more, etc etc" when Chris arrived I told her I had to go but she kept on and on and on. I mouthed to Chris that it was his mum. She stayed on that phone the whole journey to the shops. By the time we went shopping I was drained and bit irritable from having to listen to it all. Oh I did not swear either. Of course it was MY fault I had to listen to his overbearing mother's tales of woe. I did get grumpy about the nectar points and you are spot on about why. I wanted to spend them on Christmas dinner, he wanted to spend it on something "fun". We were both skint. I was cheesed off because if we spent the points on frivolous things then I would have to go overdrawn for Christmas dinner. He acted like I was trying to ruin his Christmas. He walked off leaving me with 3 kids and all the shopping to do and no way of getting it home. So yes I apologised cos a) it was Christmas and b) I didn't want to be stranded. We made it up and finished the shopping. We forgot pickled onions which I bloody hate anyway. So he went to get them by himself and I went, with 3 kids and a trolley full of shopping to look for a card. We said we would meet at the cards. Whilst at the cards Liam decided he needed the toilet and then Lauren and Joe chimed in that they did too. So I had to take them. I tried calling Chris but the signal in sainsburys is notoriously bad so I couldn't get through. It was XMAS EVE - there were people and queues everywhere. I was as quick as I could be but took longer than normal. He was in a complete strop about waiting. I was angry because this was the whole reason I had wanted to do the shopping the day before.

 

That's what really happened - not his twisted version of events. I know I don't have to explain but it helps me to get it out here because I really want to go to him with that petition and take each point and prove him wrong. I'm sure his stupid mother upon hearing about all the stuff in the petition will have been full if how terrible I am. I don't give a fig - cowbag. It's my sense of injustice that wants to defend the points.

 

Hey ho what's past is past. Yeah my want him back moment has definitely gone lol.

[Nattersmatter]

The details don't really matter, though, do they... because the gist - his attitude having consistently, never-endingly rotten and seriously immature - remains the same whatever.

 

And this is why shouldn't allow yourself to miss the version of him that you once thought he could become ("potential"). If you do that, you're overlooking the bleedin' obvious:

 

Immature he may be but that's only emotionally. He's NOT actually a child with a child's ignorance about how the world works, including how a married couple should treat each other (or more specifically, how a goodly and decent man treats his wife). No matter HOW warped his parents' relationship or his own at the hands of his mother, there comes a point when the child samples their friends' family set-ups or a wide variety on that theme belonging to however many families portrayed in the media, and realises, 'Mine is not normal. Mine is not right. Mine is unhealthy'. He always, therefore, had a choice about whether to follow his family's example or aspire to achieving other people's. To remain a lazy Master to a Servant (or Servant to a Master) or to chose to do the work required to get that seesaw moving and stay moving, where the result would always be a moreover equitous union, pleasing and life-supportive to both riders equally.

 

Furthermore, doing something ONCE (where you get to see and feel the result) is "a mistake". Twice, three times,.... 100 times is no mistake getting repeated via childlike total ignorance, Sarah. A mistake gets corrected. Even a CHILD knows to stop doing something that consistently renders someone emotionally dependent and tied miserable. Let's now apply that to him having come home every... single... evening... for years and years, seeing how increasingly unhappy, snappy, exhausted and at your wits' end you were.

 

Could YOU come home to see the person you loved most in the world looking and behaving that unhappy and, despite you had the power to change or ease it, do nothing or next to nothing (save for just enough, empty-gesturally, to avoid any intermittent confrontations about the way the situation was)? Could you feel happy in the relationship knowing your partner was effing low-grade but constantly miserable and disappointed and dismayed?

 

Was him doing nothing to 'save you' just a mistake, an oversight, on his part? How could it have been? By any stretch of the sane imagination, how could it have been???

 

Of course it wasn't. He simply didn't CARE whether you were happy or not. Less than that; he did not give two hoots. All that mattered was whether HE was happy.

 

That's not love, Sarah. That's using someone.

 

He used you, not just like some emotional cushion to park his bony arse on, but financially, too: him getting something fun would not have put you BOTH into overdraft. Only you. So what the eff did HE care? Clearly, zero .

 

He didn't care what was easier for you, more convenient to you, less headache for you, more pleasing for you, more self-validating for you, didn't care that your kids had needs, including toilet-related ones, that interrupted his wanton desire for things to go the way HE expected. He did not care. Except about himself. Me-Me-Me-Me-ME. He Master, you and your mini-yous (whom clearly he *did* think of as yours only) - SLAVES. PUPPETS. CHATTEL. You had no feelings as far as he was concerned.

 

Of COURSE his maxi-me, his maker and chief programmer would agree with him. Because when she agrees with him she's really agreeing with HERSELF. You're not going to cure her any more than you are him. You just have to tolerate him now, until Liam turns 18 or leaves higher education (whichever soonest). That's the trouble... There IS no such thing as divorce when you've got kids together. Until the kids finally become adults.... whereupon you have a party and thank your lucky stars that our offspring take *only* approx. 18 years to mature rather than double that!

 

At some point between now and then, Sarah - maybe just the once or maybe regularly - you are going to wish you'd- not never had kids (because you know and love them now thus couldn't ever regret them in that form) but wish you'd never got pregnant by him (diff/diff)...

 

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure".

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread"

"A moment on the hips, a lifetime on the lips" (mine).

 

Happily - what doesn't kill you definitely makes you stronger. And where the remainder of your life after Liam turns 17/18 is concerned, that can only be a bloody good thing.

 

See, Fate always makes you sit on the Naughty Step, and for a duration directly proportionate to the severity of crime and your age. But at least it gives you (figuratively-speaking) a giant lollipop and fascinating toy at the end of it. "Every cloud...".

 

This time 5 years from now, and exponentially, Chris will become just a mild, background irritant.... like a pesky fruit fly that you're aware is buzzing around in the next room, doing little droppings all over your white window cills as makes cleaning them a bit Ugh.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

He knew our relationship/ family was not right. He just chose to hold me responsible for that.

 

Yes financially he did abuse but I never really realised that. I remember once he got a bonus from work and he thought he could just keep it all. I pointed out this was unfair as I was not working at that time and I had no way if getting my own bonus. I wanted to spend some of the bonus on a new carpet for the living room and he agreed we needed one. So he said "we'll buy the new carpet for you and a laptop for me" er what??? I'm surprised he didn't buy me an iron for my birthday!

 

Haha yeah I know the details don't matter but I keep thinking of things. They are things I have kept inside for years or things he made me believe I was being unreasonable about.

 

Might list some here over the next few days. Don't feel the need to respond to each one - it's just a way to help me let go of them.

[Supersarahp]

His mum knows I was the reasonable, sensible one in the relationship. She's not thick. She has been annoyed with his inflexibility herself on numerous occasions. This is why she was so "devastated" when he first left.

She always said her two kids were poles apart. Chris was doing well and she was proud of him and Kelly was such a mess. She used to say it in a "see if I'm a bad mother then my son wouldn't have turned out ok". So of course she will blame me now for ruining his life. If she doesn't blame me she will have to blame herself.

 

Actually it's funny to note that her reaction and my mums differed a lot. Hers was how devastated she was, not sleeping, dreaming she was on the titanic, wishing she had never been born. My mums reaction was concerned that he had left me alone with 3 small kids followed by the assertion that she never thought we were compatible and that I carried him.

 

God help his next girlfriend that's all I can say. I'm the only girlfriend he ever had (aside from affair if there is one) so he has no frame of reference. Hmm when the next one refuses to put up with his rubbish will he realise there is actually something amiss with him? Doubt it.

[Supersarahp]

Ok having a bit of a panic. I am so stupid sometimes.

 

On Saturday when Chris picked the kids up and we were chatting quite pleasantly. I showed him a picture of the boys sound asleep on my phone. As I was flicking through my pics I noticed the boys had taken some pics of each other's backsides. They are 5 and 6 years old and they find bums hilarious. I said "Joe! you are not allowed to take silly pictures with my phone" he thought it was really funny. I said to Chris "I can't believe he has done that" Chris seemed fine about it. I said "Joe you aren't allowed to play with my phone from now on - that's really naughty" Chris did not seem fussed about it but now I am panicking that he might try to use it against me and make out that I took the pictures for some dodgy reason.

 

Am I being paranoid? It was completely innocent just two silly boys messing around. I hope he isn't THAT malicious. Oh well I will just have to deal with it if he does. Needless to say I am not letting my kids play games on my phone any more!!!

[Supersarahp]

I've calmed down now. Those pics were obviously kids messing about. In context they are in the middle of a bunch of pics that go: angry birds, the floor, the tv, the light, Liam pulling a face, a bum, Liam grinning, angry birds, the door. So anyone with half a brain would see there was nothing sinister.

 

This is how paranoid he has made me!

[Nattersmatter]

New carpet for you. What the...? For *you*??? Were you the only one who walked on them? What - was he not a human being but a hovercraft?! Or was the laptop to act as some super-impressive-to-guests, high-tech, front doormat?

 

Eff me, I'm surprised he remembered your birthday at all!!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

*Am* responding (because they need "what the f***s?!").

 

His mum knows I was the reasonable, sensible one in the relationship. She's not thick. She has been annoyed with his inflexibility herself on numerous occasions. This is why she was so "devastated" when he first left.

She always said her two kids were poles apart. Chris was doing well and she was proud of him and Kelly was such a mess. She used to say it in a "see if I'm a bad mother then my son wouldn't have turned out ok".

 

ROFL!!! I think she spoke too soon, don't you?

 

I expect Kelly is secretly doing cartwheels, though. ;-)

 

So of course she will blame me now for ruining his life. If she doesn't blame me she will have to blame herself.

 

Oh, she knows. No matter WHAT she tries to tell herself on the surface... she knows.

 

Actually it's funny to note that her reaction and my mums differed a lot. Hers was how devastated she was, not sleeping, dreaming she was on the titanic, wishing she had never been born. My mums reaction was concerned that he had left me alone with 3 small kids followed by the assertion that she never thought we were compatible and that I carried him.

 

Nuff said.

 

God help his next girlfriend that's all I can say. I'm the only girlfriend he ever had (aside from affair if there is one) so he has no frame of reference. Hmm when the next one refuses to put up with his rubbish will he realise there is actually something amiss with him? Doubt it.

 

If any woman goes out with him, that *IS* God helping her. Just the really intensely painful lesson way. LOL

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I've calmed down now. Those pics were obviously kids messing about. In context they are in the middle of a bunch of pics that go: angry birds, the floor, the tv, the light, Liam pulling a face, a bum, Liam grinning, angry birds, the door. So anyone with half a brain would see there was nothing sinister.

 

This is how paranoid he has made me!

 

Uh-huh. But at least you calm down and get rational again after just a handful of hours. Some people stay like that for DAYS!.... WEEKS!... *FOREVER*... or were like that to begin with!

 

(..., don't they, Chris / Yes, Nattersmatter, they do).

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Here, Sarah, you wanna print those moby pictures out and arrange them into a collage onto a blank card, and give it to Chris as his next birthday card from the kids.

 

Heh-heh-heh-heh. I am, aren't I.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Hahah yes!

 

When he dropped the kids home last night he was nice again. I told him to come into the house (cos I am bloody sick of conducting my personal business on the doorstep. He came into the hallway. I gave him back the schedule and told him it was fine. Ran through it briefly to make sure we both understood it. He was telling me a bit about the weekend. Telling me a couple of funny things Liam said. Then he said "this feels so much better" I said "well lets keep it that way. Fighting just makes this whole thing harder". He agreed. I said "I'll let you get on" but he stayed there. The boys decided to mess about with my brooms so I went to stop them and Chris just stayed there standing in the hall. I found it awkward dealing with them while he was just standing there so I went back to him. I said "oh I will sort them out once you have gone. It's hard to deal with them with you watching me" he said "oh I know that feeling" I said "ok well bye see you next weekend" he said bye and left.

 

After settling the kids in bed I was lying on my bed just running things through my mind (I do that a lot about everything) and I suddenly felt this sense of calm and peace come over me. I had a clear thought in my head "I forgive you" it was like letting go. Of all the anger and resentment I have had towards him over the years and also these past 3 months. I felt it all leave me. There is no desire to get back together with him.

I don't want to live with him, I don't want to kiss him, the thought of sex with him make me feel sick. I don't view him as a partner. I don't pine for him. I have never felt the urge to call or text him since he left. I don't miss him in any of those ways at all. I spent the first couple of weeks willing him to come back and after he did so many horrible unnecessary things I just felt so angry. Now, I just feel indifferent towards him. I wish him well in life. I hope he finds happiness but that's it. I want to remain on good terms for the kids.

 

Well as these thoughts came through my head I started crying. Like really sobbing. Differently to any crying I have done over these couple of months. My whole body was shaking and I was crying for ages and could not stop. I didn't feel upset though so I'm not sure why that happened. It's all good though I guess..

[Supersarahp]

Ha!

 

I just bumped into him at work. I was waiting for the lift and I hear a "morning!" slightly high pitched. I said "morning" back. I got into the lift and he went to go to the toilet but it was being cleaned so he also got into the lift. Awkward! lol - didn't bother me really but he looked uncomfortable. It made me laugh.

 

Why get in the lift with me if it makes you uncomfortable? He only works on the second floor - he could have easily taken the stairs! He is such a fool.

[Nattersmatter]

Hahah yes!

 

When he dropped the kids home last night he was nice again. I told him to come into the house (cos I am bloody sick of conducting my personal business on the doorstep.

 

Nice for a few hourly periods and you're going as far as inviting him inside? Uh-oh. Methinks the lady doth not understand the Work = Perk principle. Get with the programme, Sarah... You're nice to him (as ever)? He's nice back? That's t*t for tat, yes, which is what you want, but it's the wrong way round, he's supposed to be nice to you so that YOU'RE nice back.

He's nice back? You invite him in? That, Sarah, is you PRE-PAYING him perks.

 

It's also premature; so far, he's only been nice for two pockets within a whole era of being disgusting. Plus a type like him? Their mantra is: see proffered inch, take MILE.

 

I know you weren't to know, but make it a one-off, please. Until he's actually earned it. *Properly* earned it.

 

He came into the hallway.

 

Phew, at least you only gave him the hallway.

 

I gave him back the schedule and told him it was fine. Ran through it briefly to make sure we both understood it. He was telling me a bit about the weekend. Telling me a couple of funny things Liam said. Then he said "this feels so much better" I said "well lets keep it that way. Fighting just makes this whole thing harder". He agreed. I said "I'll let you get on" but he stayed there.

 

And there's the mile.

 

The boys decided to mess about with my brooms so I went to stop them and Chris just stayed there standing in the hall. I found it awkward dealing with them while he was just standing there so I went back to him. I said "oh I will sort them out once you have gone. It's hard to deal with them with you watching me" he said "oh I know that feeling" I said "ok well bye see you next weekend" he said bye and left.

 

Phew - nicely saved!

 

After settling the kids in bed I was lying on my bed just running things through my mind (I do that a lot about everything) and I suddenly felt this sense of calm and peace come over me. I had a clear thought in my head "I forgive you" it was like letting go. Of all the anger and resentment I have had towards him over the years and also these past 3 months. I felt it all leave me. There is no desire to get back together with him.

 

I wish I could think, 'Oh, good, that's that, that's the acrimony done with', but... this is Chris, remember? Don't exhale quite yet.

 

Glad you're feeling better, though.

 

I don't want to live with him, I don't want to kiss him, the thought of sex with him make me feel sick. I don't view him as a partner. I don't pine for him. I have never felt the urge to call or text him since he left. I don't miss him in any of those ways at all. I spent the first couple of weeks willing him to come back and after he did so many horrible unnecessary things I just felt so angry.

 

It's called kicking the very last of the love out of you or 'the final insult'.

 

Now, I just feel indifferent towards him. I wish him well in life. I hope he finds happiness but that's it. I want to remain on good terms for the kids.

 

He's a career tw*t. He'll be pissing you off again, soon, in a cinema near you, donCHOO worry.

 

Well as these thoughts came through my head I started crying. Like really sobbing. Differently to any crying I have done over these couple of months. My whole body was shaking and I was crying for ages and could not stop. I didn't feel upset though so I'm not sure why that happened. It's all good though I guess..

 

It's called Acceptance and Relief - you crying out the last of the grief towards that whole period of your life.

 

Great stuff.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

This is completely off topic but the world needs to see it. Watch the whole thing it's the best laugh I have had in ages!

 

]

 

Peter Kay is one of my very fave comediens! "Just let me staple the vicar", PMSL!! I think *I* know someone who'd like to go back in time and staple *her* vicar, eh! ;-)

 

Giving love in a Femidom, ROFL!!

 

Cheers for that!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Ha!

 

I just bumped into him at work. I was waiting for the lift and I hear a "morning!" slightly high pitched.

 

Nervous.

 

I said "morning" back. I got into the lift and he went to go to the toilet but it was being cleaned so he also got into the lift. Awkward! lol - didn't bother me really but he looked uncomfortable. It made me laugh.

 

LOL What - out loud?.. in the lift?

 

Why get in the lift with me if it makes you uncomfortable? He only works on the second floor - he could have easily taken the stairs! He is such a fool.

 

He's trying to make you feel his force, Luke... so that you'll be reminded of how irresistible you find him and maybe want his light sabre, LOL. *Don't* say "WHAT?!" - you already know his problem is self-delusion. Right? (Right.)

 

Cos I TOLD you: he wants you back.... (wants you back... wants you back for goo-oood).

 

xoxo

 

Or (Peter Kay's version) "wash you' back" LOL

[Supersarahp]

Haha the Peter Kay thing is sooooo good isn't it? "Your burgers are the best" lol I have watched it about 7 times!

 

Yeah I know I am too nice. I struggle with the whole being annoyed thing - in easily placated lol - will be firmer in future. He has sent me his schedule for the next 4 weeks but two of the dates he is meant to have them overnight on a Thursday but he doesn't know if he can get the time off on the Friday morning. I very nearly said he could bring them home first thing on the fri mornings if he can't get the holiday but I stopped myself. Arghhhh no more bailing him out and offering him solutions or putting myself out for him!

 

It's my default setting to be accommodating and helpful. It's a learning curve. Instead I sent back:

 

Ok well make sure you let me know by tomorrow.