How do I heal when we have kids?

[Nattersmatter]

LOL, I really enjoyed that. You've got an *amazing* sense of humour, missus! More like those ones, please/ta. xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Haha I know - gotta love the beef! As long as it isn't horse in disguise hey!! They are messing around so much with food these days - I found out yesterday that my lion bar was 25% tiger!!!! (Boom boom)

I might male spag Bol soon - haven't done that for ages. I always put red onion in mine! Its amazing. I really believed you then for a split second when you said you were "with child" I was like !!! Hahah reminds me of when my sister was pregnant and managed to convince my mum she was gonna name the baby Frogmella.

 

My reasons for him not having them every Sunday to Monday -

 

1) Sunday is the main family day. Ok so I would have Saturdays but Saturday is chores day. Sunday is a more relaxed family day. Why should I miss that EVERY week.

 

2) The children have a large, local, extended family on my side (aunts uncles grandparents cousins) who they need to maintain quality relationships with. This is often only possible on a Sunday.

 

3) My side of the family are Catholic. We have regular important family events which 99% of the time occur on a Sunday. Christenings, communions etc.

 

4) I fail to see how he can commit to dropping them to school every Monday when, by his own admission, he "gets Sunday as a rest day and one other day mon - sat" and "I am on a 4 week rota and have no control over the shifts and hours I do". This blows his argument of "maintaining a touch point with school" out of the water because 9/10 times it would be Rottweiler face dropping them off. Which leads me onto point ...

 

5) I am very reluctant to rely on him/ his mother to drop the kids to school on a day I work as they have already proved unreliable. Reference the conversation in which his mother said:

 

"We are not interested in child care. Dropping off and picking up from school is child care"

 

His mother goes on about 4 or 5 holidays a year. She also regularly falls out with him and withdraws her services. Therefore I feel insecure about them being in charge of child care at a time where if they were to fail in their duties my job could be compromised. They already demonstrated a complete lack of concern for my responsibilities ie job. When I mentioned my job I was told "that's for you to sort out" when I asked him to take a more active role he replied "that's all I can commit to"

 

6) although it has only been one week the children have settled in amazingly well with the childminder. They told me off this morning for not making toast the same way Sarah D.... (Child minder) does! They are very happy to have some routine in what has been a completely disrupted and changeable couple of months. He doesn't see how affected they have been by his actions because HE IS NOT HERE.

 

7) It is better for the kids to have a whole quality weekend with each parent every second week than a fractured weekend every week. Saturday is a day for catching up on things, recovering from the working week etc. Sunday is the quality day (should be added to point 1 I guess)

 

That's it for now but I reckon there are more too.

[Supersarahp]

PHEWWW!!!

 

xoxo

 

PS: LOVING your newly confident tone, by the way! (- oooh, get herrrr!!?

 

Thank you it's not new though - its just the side of me that has been suppressed for far too ucking long! I am going to have to be a bit careful in mediation though becaus I do sometimes have a sarcastic sense of humour which could reflect negatively.

[Supersarahp]

Oh yes I was thinking last night as well. His argument about his shift pattern is so much bull for so many reasons.

 

1) He works for the same company as I do and I KNOW for a fact they have a flexible working agreement policy especially for parents. I know this because I was forced to complete one to change my hours due to him abandoning us.

Added to this point is the fact that I have sacrificed 2/5 of my income in order to make sure I am able to fit around everything (including ) him and so I am able to be here for my children.

 

2) At the time when he announced he was leaving I have been in my job for 6 weeks. I was still in my probationary period. I had to take 2 weeks emergency holiday as he had left the home and was not really communicating. Also emotionally I was unable to work - especially in a job I was still learning. My company accommodated this completely. In fact when I returned they worked with me to agree reduced hours that I could manage to sustain. I had worked there 6 weeks! He has worked there 9 years! Does this sound like a company that would refuse him every second Saturday off?

 

3) Shortly before he left we were discussing our jobs and schedules. He said he had the choice at work to do a set shift pattern. It would have been Monday - Friday 1pm - 9pm. The reason he didn't want to do it was because he would have been on a team where he did not like the team manager.

 

4) When I first started my new job (October) and we were discussing our hours he was reluctant to ask for ANY kind of flexibility at work. The reasons he gave for this was that he did not want to jeopardise any chance he had for promotion. This leads me nicely back to point 1 where I sacrificed 2/5 of my income immediately without question.

 

What about my chances of promotion? He is much more established in his job than I am so they should look even more favourably on him changing his hours. I gave up my career 8 years ago in order to care for my family. I worked nightshirts for 2 years to fit around his schedule so he could give everything to his work and nearly killed myself in the process. I have had to start again from the bottom because of this which I am more than happy to do as caring for my family will ALWAYS come way way way ahead of career for me. I have, however, been left in the unfortunate position of being sole breadwinner in my household and so holding down a job is a necessity.

 

There is one reason and one reason only why he can't change his hours at work - because he doesn't want to!

 

Looking at all the facts - who is putting the kids first and who is not?

 

I can't wait until mediation - I am going to wipe the floor with him.

[Nattersmatter]

Haha I know - gotta love the beef! As long as it isn't horse in disguise hey!! They are messing around so much with food these days - I found out yesterday that my lion bar was 25% tiger!!!! (Boom boom)

I might male spag Bol soon - haven't done that for ages. I always put red onion in mine! Its amazing. I really believed you then for a split second when you said you were "with child" I was like !!! Hahah reminds me of when my sister was pregnant and managed to convince my mum she was gonna name the baby Frogmella.

 

FROGMELLA! Comedy-Sl*ttery High Five to your sister! (PS: Yes, I use red onion, as well.)

 

My reasons for him not having them every Sunday to Monday -

 

1) Sunday is the main family day. Ok so I would have Saturdays but Saturday is chores day. Sunday is a more relaxed family day. Why should I miss that EVERY week.

 

2) The children have a large, local, extended family on my side (aunts uncles grandparents cousins) who they need to maintain quality relationships with. This is often only possible on a Sunday.

 

3) My side of the family are Catholic. We have regular important family events which 99% of the time occur on a Sunday. Christenings, communions etc.

 

Yes. And this, precisely, is the thinking behind alternate weekends. KISS ("keep it simple, stupid").

 

4) I fail to see how he can commit to dropping them to school every Monday when, by his own admission, he "gets Sunday as a rest day and one other day mon - sat" and "I am on a 4 week rota and have no control over the shifts and hours I do". This blows his argument of "maintaining a touch point with school" out of the water because 9/10 times it would be Rottweiler face dropping them off. Which leads me onto point ...

 

I do not believe that he's going to be working on Saturdays and that he won't know it from one Saturday to the next until on the week. This does fit very nicely, however, with him intending to date on a Saturday ...something which indeed CANNOT be known ahead of time and planned accordingly.

 

The good news, however, is that it also fits perfectly with a man who has very little money: late morning coffee dates or light lunch dates (or even just a walk in a park) are far less of a strain on the wallet than the Saturday night, usually three-course restaurant meal, preceded AND followed by lots of drinkipoos. Albeit, saying that, some men are just mean and use their money as a cover for not wanting to put themselves wholeheartedly into the Provider stage of the audition process.

 

It's also GREAT for spotting those women with low expectations (low self-esteem, easily enslaved) as opposed to not, because high expectationed women would get quickly fed up with such non-fanfare, budget style dating. They see it that they're princesses and should be treated accordingly (wowed). (Whether or not they actually ARE or just like to think they are, is another matter, of course....but whichever is the case does tend to quite quickly reveal itself.)

 

Anyway, alternate is what it should be so... maybe he'll have to change his job if he wants any kind of relationship with his kids?... like so many newly divorced men who used to work weekends do? ...Die for them, would he? What about merely changing his job?

 

5) I am very reluctant to rely on him/ his mother to drop the kids to school on a day I work as they have already proved unreliable. Reference the conversation in which his mother said:

 

"We are not interested in child care. Dropping off and picking up from school is child care"

 

Didn't she just. OOPS. She should have thought that one through, shouldn't she. Oh, but wait... that's precisely what she's (and her mini-me) incapable of ever doing. Gosh... what a Catch 22, eh?

 

His mother goes on about 4 or 5 holidays a year. She also regularly falls out with him and withdraws her services. Therefore I feel insecure about them being in charge of child care at a time where if they were to fail in their duties my job could be compromised. They already demonstrated a complete lack of concern for my responsibilities ie job. When I mentioned my job I was told "that's for you to sort out" when I asked him to take a more active role he replied "that's all I can commit to"

 

That's for you to sort out and now, this/that/and this is for THEM to sort out. (Goose and gander, my lovelies, goose and gander. Welcome to the REAL world.)

 

6) although it has only been one week the children have settled in amazingly well with the childminder. They told me off this morning for not making toast the same way Sarah D.... (Child minder) does! They are very happy to have some routine in what has been a completely disrupted and changeable couple of months. He doesn't see how affected they have been by his actions because HE IS NOT HERE.

 

Yep, they're fast, kids are. PS: They're ready for Lauren to be taught how to make the morning toast via the toaster for all three of them, aren't they? And with Joe and Liam doing the buttering and table-laying? (PPS: Buy wooden tongs for whenever the toast gets stuck.)

 

7) It is better for the kids to have a whole quality weekend with each parent every second week than a fractured weekend every week. Saturday is a day for catching up on things, recovering from the working week etc. Sunday is the quality day (should be added to point 1 I guess)

 

Yup.

 

That's it for now but I reckon there are more too.

 

Okie-pokes.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Thank you it's not new though - its just the side of me that has been suppressed for far too ucking long! I am going to have to be a bit careful in mediation though becaus I do sometimes have a sarcastic sense of humour which could reflect negatively.

 

Noted. Whatever... point is, suddenly of late, when I come onto your thread I'm mainly sat here doing my knitting. (Not literally, OB-viously, LOL ...or that would make me a freak of nature...a four-armed freak! ...although, Four-armed is four-warned, and all that? (just made meself laff))

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh yes I was thinking last night as well. His argument about his shift pattern is so much bull for so many reasons.

 

1) He works for the same company as I do and I KNOW for a fact they have a flexible working agreement policy especially for parents. I know this because I was forced to complete one to change my hours due to him abandoning us.

 

WUNDABAR. Ask Personnel for a printed policy copy and take it with you to Mediation! - INSTANT GAME, SET AND MATCH OR WHAT!!! And there you go - point about him wanting to leave Saturday daytime free for dating, nigh-on proven! Cares more about what's good for the kids, does he? Yeah. The kids he's intending to date, more like!!!

 

Added to this point is the fact that I have sacrificed 2/5 of my income in order to make sure I am able to fit around everything (including ) him and so I am able to be here for my children.

 

Yup. And as I said, a solicitor would make him share in that childminder cost by adjusting the interim maintenance and including it in the Form E maintenance projection.

 

2) At the time when he announced he was leaving I have been in my job for 6 weeks. I was still in my probationary period. I had to take 2 weeks emergency holiday as he had left the home and was not really communicating. Also emotionally I was unable to work - especially in a job I was still learning. My company accommodated this completely. In fact when I returned they worked with me to agree reduced hours that I could manage to sustain. I had worked there 6 weeks! He has worked there 9 years! Does this sound like a company that would refuse him every second Saturday off?

 

Hmm... let me think about that f-NOPE-NOPE-NUH-OH-PUH!!!

 

3) Shortly before he left we were discussing our jobs and schedules. He said he had the choice at work to do a set shift pattern. It would have been Monday - Friday 1pm - 9pm. The reason he didn't want to do it was because he would have been on a team where he did not like the team manager.

 

Tough tittie! Again - should have thought about that before he walked out!

 

These are ALL self-made problems of his. Why the feck should you have to suffer the consequences of his stupid, selfish free-will actions! Answer: You shouldn't.

 

4) When I first started my new job (October) and we were discussing our hours he was reluctant to ask for ANY kind of flexibility at work. The reasons he gave for this was that he did not want to jeopardise any chance he had for promotion. This leads me nicely back to point 1 where I sacrificed 2/5 of my income immediately without question.

 

Yup.

 

What about my chances of promotion? He is much more established in his job than I am so they should look even more favourably on him changing his hours. I gave up my career 8 years ago in order to care for my family. I worked nightshirts for 2 years to fit around his schedule so he could give everything to his work and nearly killed myself in the process. I have had to start again from the bottom because of this which I am more than happy to do as caring for my family will ALWAYS come way way way ahead of career for me. I have, however, been left in the unfortunate position of being sole breadwinner in my household and so holding down a job is a necessity.

 

Yup!

 

There is one reason and one reason only why he can't change his hours at work - because he doesn't want to!

 

YUP! Cos it would interfere with the "uh-HHHHEUGH!!" big-t*tted kids.

 

(Fast Show's Bob Fleming: ...Haah, ...tha's goddit...................... nope- HHHHEUGH!, ....UHHH-HEUGH!!, HEUGH-HHHHHEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!! ;-D)

 

Looking at all the facts - who is putting the kids first and who is not?

 

Yup!

 

I can't wait until mediation - I am going to wipe the floor with him.

 

YOU can't wait? No - WE can't wait! (Dah!-Dah!-Daaaah...)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Actually, even better - take a copy of the policy you filled in! Two birds with one stone, point-wise. (Woila, 50p, please.)

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Actually, even better - take a copy of the policy you filled in! Two birds with one stone, point-wise. (Woila, 50p, please.)

 

xoxo

 

Yep I will do and I was also thinking. On Monday I am going to try to find out what shift patterns are available on home retention (his dept) and take a copy of that as well. I may also mention in mediation that he is "polishing his cv" and seriously considering getting another job.

 

He is not going to win this one. He is going to fit round us not the other way around.

 

The forearmed joke? Groan!!! Not a patch on your best one so far "no, she raised 3 delightful kids, your mother raised the concern!!"

 

Hahah practically snorted in my coffee at that one.

 

I'm being a right lazy cow today lying in bed - hehe. Gotta clean the house in a minute though because Lauren's friend is coming for tea!

[Supersarahp]

This is my song of the day.

 

Fighter - Christina Aguilera

 

After all you put me through

You'd think I'd despise you

But in the end I wanna thank you

'Cause you made that much stronger

 

Well I thought I knew you

Thinking that you were true

Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff

Time is up, 'cause I've had enough

 

You were there by my side

Always down for the ride

But your joy ride just came down in flames

'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm

 

After all of the stealing and cheating

You probably think that

I hold resentment for you

But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

 

'Cause if it wasn't for all

That you tried to do

I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

 

'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

Never saw it coming

All of your backstabbing

Just so, you could cash in on a good thing

Before I'd realized your game

 

I heard you're going 'round

Playin' the victim now

But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave

 

After all of the fights and the lies

Guess you're wanting to hurt me

But that won't work anymore

No more, uh uh, it's over

 

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now

And never back down

So I wanna say thank you

 

'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

How could this man I thought I know

Turn out to be unjust so cruel?

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to see the truth

 

You tried to hide your lies

Disguise yourself through

Living in denial

But in the end you'll see

You won't stop me

 

I am a fighter

(I'm a fighter)

I ain't gonna stop

(I ain't gonna stop)

There is no turning back

I've had enough

 

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

Thought I would forget

But I, I remember

Yes I remember

I'll remember

 

Thought I would forget

But I remember

Yes I remember

I'll remember

 

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

 

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

[Nattersmatter]

Yep I will do and I was also thinking. On Monday I am going to try to find out what shift patterns are available on home retention (his dept) and take a copy of that as well. I may also mention in mediation that he is "polishing his cv" and seriously considering getting another job.

 

(Admiration grin)

 

He is not going to win this one. He is going to fit round us not the other way around.

 

Zero tolerance. Like it! Excellent place from which to start negotiations.

 

The forearmed joke? Groan!!! Not a patch on your best one so far "no, she raised 3 delightful kids, your mother raised the concern!!"

 

Hahah practically snorted in my coffee at that one.

 

Oh, there's more where that came from. Best not encourage me, though. It'll only encourage me. LOL Anyway - you can USE that if you ever get the cue from him ("You raised concerns [about...]").

 

I'm being a right lazy cow today lying in bed - hehe. Gotta clean the house in a minute though because Lauren's friend is coming for tea!

 

Er. Better to clean *afterwards*, isn't it? (PS: Good - you've earned it!)

 

xoxo

 

PS: Am knitting Chris a gag. Do you think he'll like it?...and will we be able to tell, anyway? ("Say MMM! for Yes, or MMM! for No, get it off me!!")

[Supersarahp]

Haha it's not a gag he needs more a rocket up the behind!

 

Oh btw - and before I say this I want to make clear that I know it's too early etc etc and I am not getting any crazy ideas - just wanted to share this.

 

There's a single dad at the school I quite like. I have always got a "vibe" from him - even way before all this happened. His daughter is in Liam's class and they were also at pre school together. I used to chat to him in the pre school queue a lot. He has sole custody of his little girl cos her mum walked out and has alcohol issues. I get the impression he likes me but saying that he is a very friendly guy so it could just be that. About a month ago I was sitting on the wall moaning to my friend Angie about Chris. This guy made a proper beeline for me.

He said:

 

"Hi Sarah!!! How are you?"

 

I was miserable at the time but said:

 

"Not bad thanks you?"

 

Him: "yeah not too bad. I haven't seen you for ages!!! I was wondering where you went"

 

Me: "oh I got a new job was full time but now I'm off thurs and Fridays so I'm back! So you'll see more of me!"

 

Him: "ah brilliant - how's the job going?"

 

Me: "yeah really well I really love it"

 

Him : "well it's really really good to see you."

 

Me: "it's good to see you too."

 

The following day I was waiting outside Liam's class room to talk to the teacher and this guy was also waiting to talk to the teacher (or so I thought) he was chatting to me again for ages and once I had spoken to the teacher he walked out of school chatting to me. He hadn't even been hanging about for the teacher - he was just staying to chat to me!

 

Now as I say he is a particularly friendly type of guy so I don't want to read too much into it.

I haven't really seen him to talk to since because some other swine has been talking to him every time. I did speak to him today a bit. His daughter had a red nose on and she was hiding her face. He said:

 

"Gabriella don't hide your red nose everyone wants to see it" to me: "she's embarrassed about her red nose"

 

Me: "oh well Liam has a red nose with him today too. Liam show Gabriella your red nose"

 

Liam takes his red nose from his pocket and puts it on. So does Gabriella - me and man smile at each other. Then a couple of other parents appear and start talking about Red Nose Day and that was it really.

 

He is a nice guy - I like him. I think he is a bit younger than me though. I'll just keep being friendly towards him and if anything happens in the future then great. It's not the right time now anyway. It would be nice to have an extra friend if nothing else. I don't think he knows that Chris and I have split - might drop that into the next conversation.

[Supersarahp]

Incident this morning - was mostly positive I think although Chris and I got played by Lauren.

 

So Lauren says she doesn't want to go to Chris this weekend. I said that she should and that she needs some time with daddy. She was adamant. She started crying.

 

L: I just want to stay at home - I don't want to spend my weekend away from home.

 

Me: it won't be every weekend just every second weekend.

 

L: I don't want to go ANY weekend. I'm not going to see Daddy anymore until he comes home.

 

Me: honey, he's not coming home.

 

L: well I don't want to see him for 2 years then. (Crying)

 

Me: well why don't we talk to daddy about it when he comes. He might be able to tell you what plans he has for the weekend for you guys.

 

L: it won't make a difference. All we do is go to the cinema or the park and it's boring and the boys fight and I'm fed up of it.

 

Me: well would you like me to ring Daddy now so you can chat to him about it?

 

L shook her head. "You just tell him"

 

Me: ok well I will give him a call

 

So I rang but he didn't answer.

So I text him the following:

 

Lauren is very upset and says she does not want to go with you tonight/tomorrow and that she wants to stay home. Maybe you could ring to speak to her and let her know what plans you have for them? It might make her feel better about it. Just an idea.

 

Then he rang.

 

Me: hello

 

C: (abrupt) can I speak to Lauren?

 

Me: Lauren daddy would like to speak to you.

 

L: no I don't want to (crying)

 

Me to C: she's a bit upset, she doesn't want to go to you tonight. I have told her you probably have something fun planned but she isn't keen to go. I have told her she needs time with you.

 

C: I know. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to make it hard for her.

 

Me: I know well I'm not sure of the way forward. Have you got plans to take them anywhere tomorrow?

 

C: yes well I was thinking if going somewhere yes. I was hoping to have a brainstorm with them tonight to decide.

 

Me: Lauren, daddy said he is going to take you guys somewhere fun tomorrow and wants some ideas. Have you got any ideas?

 

L: Disneyland

 

Me to C: she says Disneyland (we both laughed) hang on I will ask the boys. I will put you on speakerphone.

 

(Put him on speakerphone)

 

Me: boys come here. Daddy is on the phone. He wants to take you guys somewhere tomorrow and needs some ideas.

 

Liam: soft play!

 

Lauren: nooooooo

 

C: don't worry Lauren we are not going to sod play.

 

Me: Lauren mentioned (name of place) but maybe that's a bit far?

 

C: yes thats a little bit far.

 

Me: c'mon guys have you got any ideas?

 

Joe: (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Lauren: (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Joe: (name of place)

 

C: that's a bit far

 

Me: how about (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Me: ok well I'm guessing daddy is at work so maybe you guys can have a think and chat about it with daddy when he comes.

 

C: I'm not at work yet but I am actually late for work now.

 

Me: oh ok right guys say bye to daddy he has to go to work.

 

Joe: wait I have another idea!

 

Me: quickly then.

 

Joe: (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Lauren: I have an idea

 

Me: quick then

 

Lauren: the bus stop!!! (Laughing her head off)

 

Me to C (back one to one): well at least she seems a bit happier about it all. See you later.

 

C (relieved): yeah ok speak to you soon. Bye.

 

I have mixed feelings about it. It felt good like we were actually working together as parents for the first time in ages. I'm not sure if I did the right thing by trying to solve the issue for him or whether I should have just said "Lauren doesn't wanna see you - deal with it"

 

Oh well at least he can't say I am trying to block his access.

[Nattersmatter]

Not ignoring you (any of you) - v busy day - back tomorrow. xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Not ignoring you (any of you) - v busy day - back tomorrow. xoxo

 

Coolio - hope it was busy in a nice way xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Was reading my book in bed this morning (a perk of the kids being with Chris)

And this paragraph spoke to me a little bit. (The book is Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult)

 

"I think you can love a person too much. You put someone up on a pedestal, and all of a sudden, from that perspective, you notice what's wrong - a hair out of place, a run in a stocking, a broken bone. You spend all your time and energy making it right, and all the while, you are falling apart yourself. You don't even realise what you look like, how far you have deteriorated, because you only have eyes for someone else"

[Nattersmatter]

Haha it's not a gag he needs more a rocket up the behind!

 

LOL Do you know how to knit one of those?

 

Oh btw - and before I say this I want to make clear that I know it's too early etc etc and I am not getting any crazy ideas - just wanted to share this.

 

There's a single dad at the school I quite like. I have always got a "vibe" from him - even way before all this happened. His daughter is in Liam's class and they were also at pre school together. I used to chat to him in the pre school queue a lot. He has sole custody of his little girl cos her mum walked out and has alcohol issues. I get the impression he likes me but saying that he is a very friendly guy so it could just be that. About a month ago I was sitting on the wall moaning to my friend Angie about Chris. This guy made a proper beeline for me.

He said:

 

"Hi Sarah!!! How are you?"

 

I was miserable at the time but said:

 

"Not bad thanks you?"

 

Him: "yeah not too bad. I haven't seen you for ages!!! I was wondering where you went"

 

Me: "oh I got a new job was full time but now I'm off thurs and Fridays so I'm back! So you'll see more of me!"

 

Him: "ah brilliant - how's the job going?"

 

Me: "yeah really well I really love it"

 

Him : "well it's really really good to see you."

 

Me: "it's good to see you too."

 

The following day I was waiting outside Liam's class room to talk to the teacher and this guy was also waiting to talk to the teacher (or so I thought) he was chatting to me again for ages and once I had spoken to the teacher he walked out of school chatting to me. He hadn't even been hanging about for the teacher - he was just staying to chat to me!

 

Now as I say he is a particularly friendly type of guy so I don't want to read too much into it.

I haven't really seen him to talk to since because some other swine has been talking to him every time. I did speak to him today a bit. His daughter had a red nose on and she was hiding her face. He said:

 

"Gabriella don't hide your red nose everyone wants to see it" to me: "she's embarrassed about her red nose"

 

Me: "oh well Liam has a red nose with him today too. Liam show Gabriella your red nose"

 

Liam takes his red nose from his pocket and puts it on. So does Gabriella - me and man smile at each other. Then a couple of other parents appear and start talking about Red Nose Day and that was it really.

 

He is a nice guy - I like him. I think he is a bit younger than me though. I'll just keep being friendly towards him and if anything happens in the future then great. It's not the right time now anyway. It would be nice to have an extra friend if nothing else. I don't think he knows that Chris and I have split - might drop that into the next conversation.

 

Uh-huh? *I* would. ;-)

 

I wouldn't worry about it being "too early". If it's too early for both of you, where's the problemo? You can limp up the relationship path together until your castes fall off, can't you. At least you'll both understand and empathise and make allowances for all naturally-occurring wobbles, right? Really, it depends on whether one is a straight-back-onto-the-horse merchant. I know you are. Just depends on him. He may not be and may not be ready enough yet thus may just be casing your joint, as it were, for When. Time and more actions will tell...

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Incident this morning - was mostly positive I think although Chris and I got played by Lauren.

 

So Lauren says she doesn't want to go to Chris this weekend. I said that she should and that she needs some time with daddy. She was adamant. She started crying.

 

L: I just want to stay at home - I don't want to spend my weekend away from home.

 

Me: it won't be every weekend just every second weekend.

 

L: I don't want to go ANY weekend. I'm not going to see Daddy anymore until he comes home.

 

Yup, that's a threat, alright.

 

Me: honey, he's not coming home.

 

L: well I don't want to see him for 2 years then. (Crying)

 

The threat is directed at her dad, just through you. You're meant to tell Chris, see. She thinks Chris is the only one preventing reunification. You'll have to set her straight.

 

Me: well why don't we talk to daddy about it when he comes. He might be able to tell you what plans he has for the weekend for you guys.

 

L: it won't make a difference. All we do is go to the cinema or the park and it's boring and the boys fight and I'm fed up of it.

 

Me: well would you like me to ring Daddy now so you can chat to him about it?

 

L shook her head. "You just tell him"

 

Yep, there you go.

 

Me: ok well I will give him a call

 

So I rang but he didn't answer.

So I text him the following:

 

Lauren is very upset and says she does not want to go with you tonight/tomorrow and that she wants to stay home. Maybe you could ring to speak to her and let her know what plans you have for them? It might make her feel better about it. Just an idea.

 

Then he rang.

 

Me: hello

 

C: (abrupt) can I speak to Lauren?

 

Me: Lauren daddy would like to speak to you.

 

L: no I don't want to (crying)

 

Me to C: she's a bit upset, she doesn't want to go to you tonight. I have told her you probably have something fun planned but she isn't keen to go. I have told her she needs time with you.

 

C: I know. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to make it hard for her.

 

Me: I know well I'm not sure of the way forward. Have you got plans to take them anywhere tomorrow?

 

C: yes well I was thinking if going somewhere yes. I was hoping to have a brainstorm with them tonight to decide.

 

Me: Lauren, daddy said he is going to take you guys somewhere fun tomorrow and wants some ideas. Have you got any ideas?

 

L: Disneyland

 

LOL, that's it Lauren - start impossibly high!

 

Me to C: she says Disneyland (we both laughed) hang on I will ask the boys. I will put you on speakerphone.

 

(Put him on speakerphone)

 

Me: boys come here. Daddy is on the phone. He wants to take you guys somewhere tomorrow and needs some ideas.

 

Liam: soft play!

 

Lauren: nooooooo

 

C: don't worry Lauren we are not going to sod play.

 

(Oops - Freudian typo??)

 

Me: Lauren mentioned (name of place) but maybe that's a bit far?

 

C: yes thats a little bit far.

 

Me: c'mon guys have you got any ideas?

 

Joe: (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Lauren: (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Joe: (name of place)

 

C: that's a bit far

 

Me: how about (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

Right, so, I see - Chris decided not to cooperate with your attempts to find a group solution. (Tw*t)

 

Me: ok well I'm guessing daddy is at work so maybe you guys can have a think and chat about it with daddy when he comes.

 

C: I'm not at work yet but I am actually late for work now.

 

Ooo-oo-ooh! Mr Resentful, look! (Whose original fault is that, twazzock-features?)

 

Me: oh ok right guys say bye to daddy he has to go to work.

 

Joe: wait I have another idea!

 

Me: quickly then.

 

Joe: (name of place)

 

C: maybe

 

(Put that on his gravestone, Sarah. "Here lies Chris Tw*ttius Maximus....Maybe")

 

Lauren: I have an idea

 

Me: quick then

 

Lauren: the bus stop!!! (Laughing her head off)

 

Touche to Lauren (she's going to make his future life hell, outdo him every time, Sarah, you wait).

 

Me to C (back one to one): well at least she seems a bit happier about it all. See you later.

 

C (relieved): yeah ok speak to you soon. Bye.

 

Not sure I agree that was relief you'd have heard. His daughter just gave him a taste of his own medicine. And she's HALF his size!

 

I have mixed feelings about it. It felt good like we were actually working together as parents for the first time in ages. I'm not sure if I did the right thing by trying to solve the issue for him or whether I should have just said "Lauren doesn't wanna see you - deal with it"

 

It was a child issue to do specifically with Chris's actions, so it demanded his involvement. But you're her mother, so it demanded your involvement, too. But despite you 'offered' to help sort it out, AS his team player, he was completely non-cooperative with you ("maybe-maybe-maybe")... in which case, next time leave him to it... At least next time you'll feel confident that not getting involved is the right thing to do (because he's just unequivocally voted No with his feet), won't you.

 

Oh well at least he can't say I am trying to block his access.

 

Nope, he definitely can't say that. Look what you can say, though. (Story of your married life, eh.)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Coolio - hope it was busy in a nice way xoxo

 

Yes, thanks, it was definitely in a very, very, very,...."nice" (nudge-nudge-"blind-bat") way. ;-) ;-)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Was reading my book in bed this morning (a perk of the kids being with Chris)

 

LOL - yeah, I know, remember?

 

And this paragraph spoke to me a little bit. (The book is Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult)

 

Heard of that one.

 

"I think you can love a person too much. You put someone up on a pedestal, and all of a sudden, from that perspective, you notice what's wrong - a hair out of place, a run in a stocking, a broken bone. You spend all your time and energy making it right, and all the while, you are falling apart yourself. You don't even realise what you look like, how far you have deteriorated, because you only have eyes for someone else"

 

Are you saying you put Chris on a pedestal? Cos me, I thought the whole problem as had rendered you unable to 'take care of yourself' was that he insisted on his 'pedestal' being 5 foot below ground level and you were constantly trying to coax or coerce him to crank it up higher, more level with your own?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

LOL Do you know how to knit one of those?

 

 

 

Uh-huh? *I* would. ;-)

 

I wouldn't worry about it being "too early". If it's too early for both of you, where's the problemo? You can limp up the relationship path together until your castes fall off, can't you. At least you'll both understand and empathise and make allowances for all naturally-occurring wobbles, right? Really, it depends on whether one is a straight-back-onto-the-horse merchant. I know you are. Just depends on him. He may not be and may not be ready enough yet thus may just be casing your joint, as it were, for When. Time and more actions will tell...

 

xoxo

 

Well I know he has been a single dad for at least 2 years. He could have a partner now for all I know but he has never mentioned one. He has always been alone dropping and picking his daughter up but that doesn't mean anything. I will do some subtle digging.

 

I felt quite down today. Kept thinking of things - memories I guess. Like the kids being born. When Lauren was born and we had been convinced she was going to be a boy. I have birth on all fours (note to any girls reading this - it's much less painful) so the midwife passed her through my legs and laid her on the bed in front of me and I stated at her for the longest time still thinking she was a boy and thn I checked and he was a girl. I looked up at Chris and said "she's a girl" and we were both so overwhelmed.

 

Then with Joe it was a mad rush to get to the hospital on time and the midwifes were run off their feet and they put me in a room and said they would be back in 5 minutes. I tried to hold on but couldn't and said to Chris "I have to push" he said "can you hold on a little longer - I'm sure she will be back in a minute" I said "no I HAVE to push" I took off my trousers and climbed onto the bed. Chris went white! He flew into the corridor an shouted "my wife is pushing!" It still makes me laugh now - never seen anyone move so fast.

 

Then with Liam, Chris missed the birth completely. I went into hospital to be induced as I was 2 weeks overdue. They made us wait all day right up until visiting time finished and Chris had to go home. So they said they would give me a pessary and it would take all night to work. Chris did not want to leave. He said "I know how fast your labours are. You will have this baby before I get back" I promised to call him as soon as I felt anything happening. Trouble is it all happened too quickly - my whole labour was 20 minutes long. I called Chris at the first pain and by the time he got to the hospital I was sitting with Liam in my arms. He popped his head around the door, saw us and just shook his head. He said "I came back as fast as I could"

 

I don't know why I am thinking of all these things now. I guess we shared so much. Everything. And now it all feels like it was a farce. All our memories are tainted.

 

Here's something a bit weird. When Chris' sister gave us the painting I our wedding picture it was just a couple of months after we married. When I saw the picture I got this clear vision in my mind of the picture all smashed. How horrible is that? We were just married! Every time I looked at the picture I would think "one day I will smash thy picture" it wasn't a conscious thought - I didn't want to think it - it just came I to my head. I must have know even then we were wrong together? On some level I must have know that but not known it.

It makes me feel like my life so far has been a lie.

 

I know it's not the case and its just a momentary feeling.

 

Yeah so I felt a bit down today but strangely as soon as the kids came home I felt ok again

[Supersarahp]

LOL - yeah, I know, remember?

 

 

 

Heard of that one.

 

 

 

Are you saying you put Chris on a pedestal? Cos me, I thought the whole problem as had rendered you unable to 'take care of yourself' was that he insisted on his 'pedestal' being 5 foot below ground level and you were constantly trying to coax or coerce him to crank it up higher, more level with your own?

 

xoxo

 

 

Yeah you are right. I guess what I got from that passage was that I had to put him on a pedestal because he so undervalued himself. Like you say - I had to constantly praise him and build him up and make excuses for his bad behaviour because of it. Like I couldn't ever disagree because then he would be so down on himself. So in building him up I sacrificed myself. So yeah I kind of put him on a pedestal because I thought that's what he needed not because I thought he belonged there.

[Nattersmatter]

Well I know he has been a single dad for at least 2 years. He could have a partner now for all I know but he has never mentioned one. He has always been alone dropping and picking his daughter up but that doesn't mean anything. I will do some subtle digging.

 

Well, if he has a partner, what the ELL is he doing actually waiting around to talk to you and saying not just really missed you but really REALLY?

 

Yeah, do do (bee-doo) some subtle digging. A two-timer is the LAST thing you need sniffing around. But don't do any more than that. If he's been out for 2 years, he'll be slightly ahead of you (assuming he's processed everything diligently?). That means he should have the wherewithal to do his own job (pursuing).

 

I felt quite down today. Kept thinking of things - memories I guess. Like the kids being born. When Lauren was born and we had been convinced she was going to be a boy. I have birth on all fours (note to any girls reading this - it's much less painful) so the midwife passed her through my legs and laid her on the bed in front of me and I stated at her for the longest time still thinking she was a boy and thn I checked and he was a girl. I looked up at Chris and said "she's a girl" and we were both so overwhelmed.

 

Then with Joe it was a mad rush to get to the hospital on time and the midwifes were run off their feet and they put me in a room and said they would be back in 5 minutes. I tried to hold on but couldn't and said to Chris "I have to push" he said "can you hold on a little longer - I'm sure she will be back in a minute" I said "no I HAVE to push" I took off my trousers and climbed onto the bed. Chris went white! He flew into the corridor an shouted "my wife is pushing!" It still makes me laugh now - never seen anyone move so fast.

 

Yeah, he has no problems being motivated by fear, does he.

 

Then with Liam, Chris missed the birth completely. I went into hospital to be induced as I was 2 weeks overdue. They made us wait all day right up until visiting time finished and Chris had to go home.

 

*Had* to go home? Since when did labour wards make ones birthing partner go home??

 

So they said they would give me a pessary and it would take all night to work. Chris did not want to leave. He said "I know how fast your labours are. You will have this baby before I get back" I promised to call him as soon as I felt anything happening. Trouble is it all happened too quickly - my whole labour was 20 minutes long. I called Chris at the first pain and by the time he got to the hospital I was sitting with Liam in my arms. He popped his head around the door, saw us and just shook his head. He said "I came back as fast as I could"

 

If Chris didn't want to leave, he should have done the action of not wanting to. But there again, if you'd really wanted him there you'd not have persuaded him to go. But there again, if he'd been his own man, he'd have said what I can imagine Davi saying: "No WAY! I'm staying!".

 

I don't know why I am thinking of all these things now. I guess we shared so much. Everything. And now it all feels like it was a farce. All our memories are tainted.

 

You're background sorting out whose fault it ultimately was When. And these are the memories you get fed as you do so.

 

Here's something a bit weird. When Chris' sister gave us the painting I our wedding picture it was just a couple of months after we married. When I saw the picture I got this clear vision in my mind of the picture all smashed. How horrible is that? We were just married! Every time I looked at the picture I would think "one day I will smash thy picture" it wasn't a conscious thought - I didn't want to think it - it just came I to my head. I must have know even then we were wrong together? On some level I must have know that but not known it.

It makes me feel like my life so far has been a lie.

 

A half life and a half truth. Or Tweedledee's truth and Tweedledum's lie (100% + 100%). Welcome to the world of your own psyche.

 

I know it's not the case and its just a momentary feeling.

 

No, it is the half-case, just taking turns with the other half-case.

 

(Question: Can I ever stop seeing things in psychological terms? Answer: NO. LOL)

 

Yeah so I felt a bit down today but strangely as soon as the kids came home I felt ok again

 

Because they were Tweedledee's prize.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Yeah you are right. I guess what I got from that passage was that I had to put him on a pedestal because he so undervalued himself. Like you say - I had to constantly praise him and build him up and make excuses for his bad behaviour because of it. Like I couldn't ever disagree because then he would be so down on himself. So in building him up I sacrificed myself. So yeah I kind of put him on a pedestal because I thought that's what he needed not because I thought he belonged there.

 

There you go.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

To be fair to him the nurses chucked him out. I was on the main ward not the delivery suite cos they had yet to induce me. Bloody pains they were "your waters are bulging so we are reluctant to artificially induce you and would rather just break your waters" "brilliant go for it" " oh no we have to wait for space on the delivery suite - not allowed to break them on the main ward" - "can't you just induce me then? I'm sure my labour will be fast - my other 2 were" "oh no if we induce you it will take at least 12 hours"

 

Suddenly visiting time is over "ok we will induce you and then your husband can come back in the morning and it will be time to check if any progress has been made"

 

The silly woman actually said to me "goodnight - see you in the morning"

 

20 minutes later I had my son in my arms. I bloody tried to tell her!!!

 

Yeah it wasn't his fault really but I suppose he could have slept in the car just in case!