How do I heal when we have kids?

[Nattersmatter]

Nah, for me, it's defo the Sister Sledge one: '...just-let-me sta-ple-the vi-car... we're givin' love-in-a Femido-ho-ho-...ho-hom'. I'm going to be singing that for weeks, I can feel it!

 

Yeah I know I am too nice. I struggle with the whole being annoyed thing - in easily placated lol - will be firmer in future. He has sent me his schedule for the next 4 weeks **but two of the dates he is meant to have them overnight on a Thursday but he doesn't know if he can get the time off on the Friday morning.

 

Since we're on a musical theme already: **"Theere idiz... There idiz, what tooook him sooo loo-oo-ooooong, oooh, to try a sneaky bay-ey-beh".

 

See? - you're nice, and he sees it merely, simply and purely as an opportunity...to *get* something off you.

 

You'd think he'd be thinking this, wouldn't you: "I need a favour from Sarah but I'd better not ask for anything considering we've only just seen a return to some kind of cordiality... Don't want her thinking it was all just cupboard-niceness rather than genuine".

 

He does not give a f*** about cordiality. It's (still) me-me-me-me-ME.

 

I very nearly said he could bring them home first thing on the fri mornings if he can't get the holiday but I stopped myself. Arghhhh no more bailing him out and offering him solutions or putting myself out for him!

 

It's my default setting to be accommodating and helpful. It's a learning curve. Instead I sent back:

 

Ok well make sure you let me know by tomorrow.

 

Good for you!!!

 

Ask for nothing, offer nothing, agree to nothing (unless he's already earned it or is offering something in return). That way, if he's ever nice, you'll know it's GENUINE. (Don't hold yer breath, tho, will ya.)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

So what's the latest with the legalities? Has your solicitor sent the signed without prejudice petition back?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

So what's the latest with the legalities? Has your solicitor sent the signed without prejudice petition back?

 

xoxo

 

Yes she has. So it's just a waiting game for the nisi and then when that comes through he has 3 months to apply for te absolut an if he doesn't then I can.

 

With regard the Friday mornings he has not asked or even mentioned it - he just sent the agreed schedule which shows that he has the kids and also a copy of his work schedule which shows he is starting work at 8am on those Fridays. So I said "how do you propose to take the kids to school when you are starting work at 8am" so he said he has requested holiday for those mornings.

 

Oh yes I find this weird too. He had the kids Saturday and Sunday nights. Saturday night they stayed at his bedsit but sun night they stayed at his mums with him. God knows why - she worked on Monday Chris had holiday.

 

The kid told me he only has a single bed. Also he has a sofa bed and a fold out bed. One room smaller than my living room, a bathroom containing a shower cubicle, toilet and sink. Tiny weeny kitchen.

 

By my reckoning if he is paying £400 a month rent plus £340 to me. Add car insurance/tax plus other bills. Also I'm not there buying his food and subbing him the whole time. He is probably worse off financially. I on the other hand find I am better off. Nice life there for you Chris, enjoy your freedom before the novelty wears off!

[Nattersmatter]

How long did she say it'd take for the Nisi?

 

With regard the Friday mornings he has not asked or even mentioned it - he just sent the agreed schedule which shows that he has the kids and also a copy of his work schedule which shows he is starting work at 8am on those Fridays. So I said "how do you propose to take the kids to school when you are starting work at 8am" so he said he has requested holiday for those mornings.

 

Okay. But...You think he didn't know you'd spot the anomaly? Sarah, that *is* him mentioning it. Why do you think he didn't put a preemptive note in with the copy of his work schedule to say, 'Don't worry about the 8am Friday bit because I've requested to have holiday time for those mornings'? How EASY would that have been? Ah, but Easy isn't his agenda, is it, it's making you believe there's a problem so that you HAVE TO CONTACT HIM TO ASK. ("Even negative attention is still attention and better than no attention".)

 

I guess his mum's place is bigger and more practical?

 

I wouldn't worry about the bijou-ness of his pad. After all, this is KIDS we're talking about. Place probably looks quite roomy. ...To all four of them. ;-)

 

Psych fact: after an affair or a quitting job, the one betrayed/left behind is ALWAYS the one who bounces back first and highest (AND stays that way). It's *his* (overly) rocky road to self-discovery, after all.

 

Hmm... I wonder if he'll like what he finds when he gets there?

 

Did *you* like him once *you* discovered him, Sarah? Oh, wait... you didn't, did you. Oops, Chrissiepoo-poos. It's going to be a "Fail!".

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

The solicitor said a couple of weeks for the nisi. Then we wait and see how long he takes to get the absolut - he will probably do it straight away. He is very single minded - when he decides to so something he has to do it to completion regardless if whether it is the right course of action.

 

Not sure how I will feel when the absolut comes through. I like to think it won't affect me but I know that it will. Not because of him but because it makes me a divorcee - that wasn't my plan in life hey! Still - just gonna roll with it. Might buy a bottle of absolut vodka specially for the occasion.

 

His mum's place is a little bigger. I just think it's even more upheaval for the kids - sleeping in all different places. Wouldn't be my choice but it's up to him.

 

I'm going to get a new provisional licence soon. I have my old one but not the paper part and I think it might be expired - will look into it. I want to be able to drive!!! Focusing on my diet too. Gonna find an Italian man soon! Lol

 

If he does not let me know about next Tuesday and those Friday mornings today what shall I do? I hate having to run my life around his effing shifts. I know it is not really his fault because we jut planned this week so he did not know- we have planned all of April now so he has plenty of notice to sort out may as soon as he gets his shifts so I will be expecting to be told 4 weeks in advance as we agreed in mediation. Scratch that - not told .. Asked!

[Nattersmatter]

Then we wait and see how long he takes to get the absolut - he will probably do it straight away. He is very single minded - when he decides to so something he has to do it to completion regardless if whether it is the right course of action.

 

Oh, YEAH?? Want another bet?

 

Not saying he won't do it. He will. His pride will force him. But he'll put both overt and covert obstacles all over that path, you wait.

 

I remember that, "*I'm* not meant to be a divorcee?!" feeling all too well. But it passes very quickly. You get used to it. And then you naturally gravitate towards other divorcees (because they've been through the mill and got real, as well, and only 'real' people will be able to cut it from now on) and vice versa.

 

I'm going to get a new provisional licence soon. I have my old one but not the paper part and I think it might be expired - will look into it. I want to be able to drive!!!

 

WHOO-HOOO! You wouldn't think that being able to drive a car could make as much difference to your quality of life and how you feel about yourself generally as all that, but, OH, BOY, DOES IT EVER?! It's like getting wings, Sarah!

 

LOL to the Italian man. And why not?! They're very intense, romantically especially (got their priorities straight, innit), so just ensure you get one with a brilliantly playful sense of humour alongside.

 

If he does not let me know about next Tuesday and those Friday mornings today what shall I do? I hate having to run my life around his effing shifts. I know it is not really his fault because we jut planned this week so he did not know- we have planned all of April now so he has plenty of notice to sort out may as soon as he gets his shifts so I will be expecting to be told 4 weeks in advance as we agreed in mediation. Scratch that - not told .. Asked!

 

It's not 'really' his fault but the point is, it CERTAINLY isn't yours. You're not married to him any more. If he wants you to scratch his back, ever, then he has to scratch yours. And that's right - don't you let him manipulate your concern for the children's welfare to his own advantage. This is his bed. He should have thought about these inconveniences before he decided throwing in the towel was somehow going to be easier than trying to manly up and behave LOVINGLY to his life partner. He didn't. So tough t*ttie to him. You've set out the standard schedule so if he can't ever follow it for whatever reason of his, that is his problem. He can certainly, as you say, ask nicely for favours but he cannot expect a thing from now on.

 

The schedule is the schedule and he has to fit around it, not the other way around.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

The thing is - the only schedule in place is the every alternate weekend. The weekends he doesn't have them he is supposed to let me know which day he is having them after school - he is meant to give me notice if this.

 

He is meant to be having them this Tuesday and still has not confirmed. It pees me off that I am left waiting. I do t function last minute - I am efficient and organised.

[Nattersmatter]

If in the Arrangements you stipulated a certain minimum of notice regarding these non-concrete, mid-week custody pockets in between each concrete alternate weekend, then adhere to that stipulation he must. If he fails to give you that minimum notice (in no uncertain terms (which means no hints and might dos) - tough t*ttie, he doesn't get the kids that week, berbom.

 

If he's meant to be having them this Tuesday coming and he has failed to confirm within the minimum notice period - he's forfeited that option, berbom.

 

If, on the other hand, you are now discovering that on the practical level the minimum notice you stipulated was insufficient whereby its deadline, if he does wait until that very last minute, feels too uncomfortable, then send another letter to state that the period is proving too impractical in actual application and you need to move it to X.

 

What notice deadline did you stipulate, anyway?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

The notice is 4 weeks because he gets his shift pattern 4 weeks in advance - this Tuesday was not really part of that arrangement as it was a "maybe if he can get holiday" - he is meant to let me know ASAP.

 

My issue is he is saying he can have them on certain days dependent on him being granted holiday and then I am left waiting for some random person who is off to return so she can grant him the holiday. I shouldn't need to waste my head spar on his stuff. This month is a bit different cos its all new so to be fair he had to try to put things in place which is what he is doing. It just irked me that I don't know when he is having them. If it was me needing the holiday I would make sure I knew by now.

 

Moving forward (may onwards) I am going to tell him I need te cast iron days that he is having them at least 3 weeks in advance which then gives him 1 week after he gets his shift pattern in order to sort any swaps or holiday he needs.

 

Anything not cast iron within 3 weeks is not going to happen.

 

I wish he would just bloody do every second weekend and then the weeks he doesn't have them at the weekend do an overnight on a Tuesday. Would be so much more straightforward but he won't do it because of his shifts.

[Supersarahp]

He has confirmed the Fridays now - it's just this Tuesday that's under question

[Supersarahp]

He rang tonight and I was very unreasonable with him if I am honest.

I was in the middle of trying to book a couple of days away for my mum, the kids and I. Was using my phone as I don't have a computer at the moment and he rang the phone. I answered and he was jovial and friendly. He started going into this whole explanation about how the person who grants his holiday is off and he checked with someone else and they said he had to wait until Monday to find out and he told them he needs to know straight away. He said he stayed late at work trying to sort it out and that I don't realise how much running around he has done to try and sort it and that he will be pushing for an answer tomorrow.

 

I just said "that's ok on this occasion as I appreciate you haven't had much notice to sort it out but moving forward you will need to sort it all out in advance. I need to be able to plan my life and your shift issues are no longer my concern"

 

I said my phone battery was dying and I was in the middle of trying to book a holiday for us so I would discuss future childcare arrangements another time as we seem to have it sorted up until May now anyway.

 

The kids were fighting so I said I better go sort them out. He said he was hoping to speak to them. So I put him on loud speaker. Liam chatted to him but Joe and Lauren were having an argument which I was trying to sort out. (Joe stamped on Lauren's build a bear apparently) I was saying "c'mon guys daddy is on the phone - calm down and go and speak to him because I want my phone back to book our holiday"

 

When I got him back on the phone he said "oh what holiday are you booking?" (All friendly and upbeat)

 

I said "I don't know yet I'm trying to sort it out"

 

C: "ok well let me know when you book something"

 

S: (irritated) "yeah well I don't know yet. Why do you wanna know anyway? You are not my keeper. You walked out"

 

C: "if the kids are going I would like to know as they are my kids as well"

 

S: "ok fine well if I book something I will text you ok"

 

C: "ok cool. I will ring again in a couple of days to speak to the kids"

 

S: "no you will tell me about Tuesday tomorrow"

 

C: "oh well I will text you about that not ring"

 

S: "oh right yeah ok , speak to you later then"

 

C: "ok bye"

 

I felt a bit bad after cos he was nice and friendly but it just irritated me. I just felt like saying "oh bog off I'm busy" I know I is unreasonable. I know I shouldn't have been off with him about his wanting to know if I take the kids away. I was going to tell him anyway I just got irritated with him asking.

 

I booked a couple of days away next week and I text him telling him. He replied:

 

Oh cool they will really love that

[nookbridge]

He rang tonight and I was very unreasonable with him if I am honest.

 

You were excessively reasonable with him, after reading the post Sarah. After the divorce petition I went through on this forum, I should call the Vatican and see if we can make you a saint!

 

I just said "that's ok on this occasion as I appreciate you haven't had much notice to sort it out but moving forward you will need to sort it all out in advance. I need to be able to plan my life and your shift issues are no longer my concern"

 

It's never ok. A Chris problem requires Chris solutions, not a Sarah solution. Did he consider you when you were apparently sleeping with the kids downstairs, or were "drunk" one time or whatever the hell he said, or did he include on his DIVORCE petition? I've already had it up to here (my eyes) with this pseudo-adult.

 

I said my phone battery was dying and I was in the middle of trying to book a holiday for us so I would discuss future childcare arrangements another time as we seem to have it sorted up until May now anyway.

 

Should've just said I had better things to do - well, pretty much everything else in the world - than to talk to you!

 

C: "ok well let me know when you book something"

 

It's not really one of YOUR business what he does with kids, just as it's none of his business what the kids do with you!

 

S: (irritated) "yeah well I don't know yet. Why do you wanna know anyway? You are not my keeper. You walked out"

 

You sound like my ex when she's frustrated with talking to me, post break-up. You need to write a long anger post one of these days!

 

I felt a bit bad after cos he was nice and friendly but it just irritated me.

 

Because... you knew he's still a d*ck!

[Nattersmatter]

Morning Dumbo! (She can fly, she can fly, she can put that over-developed attribute to use!!! LOL - join the club.)

 

 

 

Shifts normally have patterns, and shift workers normally know which shifts they're going to be working a good 2 weeks ahead. But at least THIS way he (cough!) gets to have to talk to you once per week, eh. ;-)

 

But, yes - your convenience is the kids' convenience is your convenience. You can insist on whatever you want to insist on, it's all HIS problem.

 

Alternatively, you can clock up each flexibility incident as a favour - and let him KNOW it's a favour and let him know it's so that if ever YOU need HIM to step up fairly last minute, he has to. And get his pre-agreement over that. Considering he wants that excuse to have to talk to you week by week, I should imagine he'll not have any problem with it.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

He has confirmed the Fridays now - it's just this Tuesday that's under question

 

You mean after this Tuesday the interim 'pocket' custody is always going to be on a Friday?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

He may have been surface friendly but how friendly IS it when someone tells you they're in the middle of doing something important and within an incrementally shrinking opportunity and instead of showing respect by taking the ruddy hint and getting off the line you instead carry on as if she'd said nothing?! And how friendly is it to tell the person that you and only you PUT FORCIBLY into the 'no longer her concern' box that she should be GRATEFUL because you've actually (sort-of) BEGUN cooperating over an issue that you should already have FINISHED cooperating over?!

 

"Awww, worked late did ya? I-do-not-give-a-sh*t-It's-your-FAULT-you-had-to-Tell-it-to-the-hand!!

 

And it's none of his BUSINESS where you're talking them or - at this highly early point - when. But as if you wouldn't tell him NEARER the time and with adequate notice! Failing to ever do so is HIS style not yours?! Cheeky fecker.

 

I'd have been irritated and showing it, as well, Sarah. It's called, 'Don't tar me with your stinking brush and, jayzuz you're even more arrogant and pompous than I remembered!!!'

 

Let me know when you've booked something... PFF, anyone would think YOU were always the flake and HE the responsible one!

 

However. On some level he KNOWS this would be the reaction. That was the point. If he can provoke you, you're more likely to stay on the phone talking. BIG FAT INNIT.

 

...."(want you back).....(want you back)... WAANT you back for goo-ooooood"

 

Heh-heh...Sorry, Barlow - no dice. ;-)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Next time say, 'I repeat, I have to go, try later/tomorrow, bye [CLICK!]'.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

See how you still think, though? Because you can't ARTICULATE why you're feeling rubbed-up the wrong way, you automatically assume it's YOU who's being unreasonable and all unnecessary generally.

 

I think you need to trust your emotional responses more, Sarah. They seem to be consistently spot-on to me.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

It's never ok. A Chris problem requires Chris solutions, not a Sarah solution. Did he consider you when you were apparently sleeping with the kids downstairs, or were "drunk" one time or whatever the hell he said, or did he include on his DIVORCE petition? I've already had it up to here (my eyes) with this pseudo-adult.

 

LOL. Yes. Reading this thread and having to read the number of this (er) man is actually quite painful in that "Gimmie-the-gun!" way, isn't it.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Because... you knew he's still a d*ck!

 

Yep, he's quackers, alright!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh, wait - not that 'd*ck*, the other 'd*ck'.

 

(heh-heh, couldn't resist)

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

You mean after this Tuesday the interim 'pocket' custody is always going to be on a Friday?

 

xoxo

 

 

No - that's just April. Won't know May until he gets his shifts. He has confirmed he can have them the weekend of my brother's wedding though.

 

I don't know - I was quite abrupt to him. I just don't wanna be all nicey nicey after all he has done. I'm not gonna be horrible either as its best for everyone especially the kids if we can be civil.

 

I saw the Dumbo picture on Facebook with the caption "got the magic feather?" And I liked it so thought it would be perfect for on here. I've always loved Dumbo anyway. People underestimated him too.

 

Had a nice day with some friends and their kids today. Went for lunch and to the park even though it is still ridiculously cold!! Barely talked about Chris although they asked me about the divorce and I told them some of the thing in the petition and they said "what ? Is he 5?" And "he is an idiot, a judge reading that will think he has had a mental breakdown"

On the most part we spoke about other things. It was nice. I used my friend, Lara's computer to pay some bills and print some things out. She said "wow you really seem on top of everything, sorting things out and moving forward, you're like superwoman" haha as if.

 

It's been 3 months exactly since he said "I am not sure if we can carry on" and 2 months exactly since I discovered this website. It's been such a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like I have made a lot of progress. I feel like I am beginning to move forward. I'm not wanting things to be how they were. I still get a bit down sometimes about being a single mum etc. I still worry about the future but I am definitely looking forward rather than back.

 

Taking the kids away for 2 nights next week with my mum. It's the first time I have ever done that. I'm really looking forward to it. it's not far away - only about 40 miles lol but still.

[Supersarahp]

Oh he has just text me saying he can't sort out Tuesday until Monday but his shift is 11am until 8pm so he can have them some of the morning and if I want he will ask his mum for the rest of the day but if not then anything else I suggest is fine.

 

Good that's more like it - he is on the back foot a bit I reckon. Damn right anything else I suggest is fine - don't bloody forget it!

[Supersarahp]

According to Lauren, Chris' favourite song is "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

 

She also said to me "when you and daddy get divorced we will all have to change out name to ***** (my maiden name)"

 

Me: "no we won't we will keep the same name"

 

Liam "if WE get married again he will have to be a ******* (our name)"

[Nattersmatter]

No - that's just April. Won't know May until he gets his shifts. He has confirmed he can have them the weekend of my brother's wedding though.

 

OHH, HAZZZ HEEE. Interesting. Push for his boss's agreement, did he? I thought pushing or no pushing he couldn't possibly know ahead whatsoever? Gottim! It's like I said: his machination to get you to have to speak regularly to him. Relationship By Proxy. (Yes, ew.)

 

I don't know - I was quite abrupt to him. I just don't wanna be all nicey nicey after all he has done.

 

Well, why should you?

 

I'm not gonna be horrible either as its best for everyone especially the kids if we can be civil.

 

Why shouldn't you? Granted, you don't let the kids ever see or hear (not anything OTT, anyway), but, Sarah... How do you think society works if not for pack feedback including signs of abject disapproval? It's not like the Police cater to these sorts of moral transgressions, is it?... or the courts? Who do you think it falls to to put others straight if not the 'neighbours' (or in your case, next-door neighbour)? And how are the kids going to learn never to take that level of emotional criminality if from your kids' points of view, after sh*tting on his own doorstep he gets absolutely no emotional comeuppance?

 

Worry not and give him hell! Frosty hell. Stand up for yourself and all other decent human beings!

 

I saw the Dumbo picture on Facebook with the caption "got the magic feather?" And I liked it so thought it would be perfect for on here. I've always loved Dumbo anyway. People underestimated him too.

 

LOL! Well, then...That would make me the wardrobe from Narnia. ;-)

 

Had a nice day with some friends and their kids today. Went for lunch and to the park even though it is still ridiculously cold!!

 

Crikey - rather you than me!? I'm pure Med, me. Won't catch ME going out in these freezing temperatures! I just open the window on the hour and go 'SNNNNNNNNNNN!' for a few minutes ("Good sh*t, maaan"). But, then, I don't have LITTLE kids any more (mwa-ha-ha-haaaa, pth!

 

Here - have you been remembering to take a towel to the playgrounds during this end of term hol so that you can wipe dry all the seats on the play equipment? (Haaaah - fond memories.)

 

Barely talked about Chris although they asked me about the divorce and I told them some of the thing in the petition and they said "what ? Is he 5?" And "he is an idiot, a judge reading that will think he has had a mental breakdown"

 

How very well put! Yes, s/he absolutely would. Which is no doubt why your solicitor advised you simply sign it under protest so as to still use it rather than raising your own petition [evil cackle to her].

 

On the most part we spoke about other things. It was nice. I used my friend, Lara's computer to pay some bills and print some things out. She said "wow you really seem on top of everything, sorting things out and moving forward, you're like superwoman" haha as if.

 

LOL, are you fishing for compliments, Ms Lynda Carter?

 

(Oh.. go on, then...) Give us a twirl?

 

It's been 3 months exactly since he said "I am not sure if we can carry on" and 2 months exactly since I discovered this website. It's been such a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like I have made a lot of progress.

 

More than anyone I have ever, ever, EVER come accross, and that's a fact! You've been a dream and a doddle, Sarah, and I only wish *everyone* was this clear-thinking and cooperative. (- That's me being serious and sincere. Don't waste it cos as you know, these moments always too quickly get trumped by my warped sense of humour, LOL).

 

I feel like I am beginning to move forward. I'm not wanting things to be how they were. I still get a bit down sometimes about being a single mum etc. I still worry about the future but I am definitely looking forward rather than back.

 

Remember, Today is the very future you were so worried about last month, last year, last decade. As it turns out - for now't, right? "It's life, Jim. Just not as we know it". And it'll get better. And better. AND BETTER. You'll see.

 

Taking the kids away for 2 nights next week with my mum. It's the first time I have ever done that. I'm really looking forward to it. it's not far away - only about 40 miles lol but still.

 

Anywhere warm and sunny?

 

(sorry - couldn't resist as per)

 

What are you doing - caravan-ing or hotel-ing? Or is it to another relly's house where you'll be waited on hand and foot?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Oh he has just text me saying he can't sort out Tuesday until Monday but his shift is 11am until 8pm so he can have them some of the morning and if I want he will ask his mum for the rest of the day but if not then anything else I suggest is fine.

 

Good that's more like it - he is on the back foot a bit I reckon. Damn right anything else I suggest is fine - don't bloody forget it!

 

YEAH!!!! YOU TELL 'IM, LINDA! ...The cheeky bar-stood shipping trucker hardsole mormon!

 

xoxo