How do I heal when we have kids?

[Supersarahp]

I rang Sally! She is so nice. I only spoke to her for about 5 minutes but she definitely filled me with confidence. Wow I am really really impressed. She is also double the price of the other solicitor I spoke to. Damn she's expensive but I can tell just by speaking to her that she is worth every penny. Now I have a big dilemma. She told me to go away and mull it over. Hmmm. I don't know why but I feel really emotional after speaking to her. She would be brilliant I know she would. Arggggh need to think about this.

[Supersarahp]

Just got home from work. Mum tells me Lauren was really upset today. Apparently Chris has called the school and arranged to go into the school to see the kids' school work (I'm guessing it is because he can't go to parents' evening) so Lauren had to get her work all together today. Nothing wrong with that I guess - at least he is taking an interest in them. It has peed me off for some reason not sure why. Lauren told my mum "I wish daddy wouldn't interfere" I asked her about it and turns out she thought him going today would mean I wouldn't be able to see her work on Thursday - I explained I still could and she was ok then - phew.

 

I just wish he would go boil his head! Lol nah he is entitled to see the kids' work but I think I am annoyed that he will be acting the whole "diligent father" bit in front of the teachers when he is anything but! I gues it just feels unjust.

 

Sally is going to be out of my price range I think. I might return to the original solicitor I spoke to. She was really nice also although clearly not as experienced as Sally but she would probably be fine for what i need. Will think about it a bit more and see what feels right.

 

Oh forgot to mention that I told Sally she had been recommended to me and she said she remembered your case! Cool huh?

[Nattersmatter]

It was just a Slimming World franchise - my sister runs one now too. My sister lost 11 stone though - she is going to be in The Sun cos of it - I will tell you when that is. Why? What's your sister doing?

 

That!

 

And, remember, she lives just five miles from you!

 

Chances.

What.

Were.

The.

?!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I rang Sally! She is so nice. I only spoke to her for about 5 minutes but she definitely filled me with confidence. Wow I am really really impressed. She is also double the price of the other solicitor I spoke to. Damn she's expensive but I can tell just by speaking to her that she is worth every penny. Now I have a big dilemma. She told me to go away and mull it over. Hmmm. I don't know why but I feel really emotional after speaking to her. She would be brilliant I know she would. Arggggh need to think about this.

 

(The reason you feel emotional is because it's yet another unignorable step in the direction of It'sOverville which brings it home to you just how real this is.)

 

Tell me how much per hour because if she's double Yvonne (£200/hr) then you may as well stick with Yvonne and not worry about any occasional extra expense of her having to drive down once or twice to get your signature.

 

This is the problemo with a big bucks solicitor (if Sally is more per hr than Yvonne): despite I think there are grounds to believe that Chris has been squirelling away money for YEARS, now (otherwise, what with not having served any petition, what would have been the point of seeing a solicitor?), you don't know how big that nest might be and therefore whether you're justified in racking up fairly large legal bills. What did SALLY have to say on that score? Did you tell her of that suspicion at all?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

He's BOUND to do that because he's worried he'll lose too much of his position with the kids as is it, so he'll want the teachers to take him seriously so that he can at least gain a feeling of more involvement through that channel. The fact IS, though, that the Parents' Evening is on X date. If he's such a diligent father, what on EARTH is so much more important than his own children that it could prevent him from turning up on the official evening? See? No worries. You need to trust more in the fact that people aren't stupid. HE is... But they aren't. ;-D

 

 

 

Again, you need to dedicate proper thought about this theoretical nest and discuss the fact of him having seen a solicitor way ahead of time yet nothing your end coming of it ergo was he getting advice about how to sequester from the court's pryig eyes some lump sum somewhere, and then to try to fathom what it's worth before then knowing whether a higher hourly rate would be money well spent or unnecessarily wasted. But I CAN tell you this: I found out once I set in motion serving 'my' Chris with a divorce petition that a whole 7 months earier he had visited a branch of solicitors and instructed a petition but which he stopped them from actually sending. Clearly something made him hold fire...and I reckon (since it became crystal clear once it reached court that he indeed had been caching large sums of money) it was a little birdie telling him that he'd better take care of any money trails first.

 

When in their mind they're done with you and the marriage, Sarah, men like this aren't QUITE so keen to share half "their" wealth with you. It's sadly all too common.

 

xoxo

 

PS:

 

I expect she means she remembers Yvonne telling her all about it. Yeah, Yvonne mentioned my case A LOT. She could NOT get her head around what a total slimeball Machievelli my ex2b was and STILL says to this day he was the first ex2b she actually, sincerely detested and was repulsed by.

[Nattersmatter]

...and that's because he did things like this: gave Joe CODEINE! You know how potentially lethal that is, right, and how many kids have died from being given it? It was hot on the heels of him having been told off by his solicitor via my solicitor's written complaint about his behaviour the week before. But this is the thing: I had warned him NOT to give Joe Codeine (in reaction to his saying he couldn't be arsed to stop at the Sainsbury's EN ROUTE TO HIS FLAT to buy Tixilix and could give him this other medicine containing Codeine instead) and had explained perfectly comprehensively why, that very same evening!!!

 

Yep. That's what I was dealing with at one point. But HEYYYY... "What goes a-round, comes back a-round, yeh!, ma bey-beh"... LISTEN UP! - I just found out from snoopy Joe that Chris last week caught his once-mistress-now-partner in the process of trying to CHEAT ON HIM!!!!!

 

I warned him one of them inevitably would, two years back..and probably her, because - she's even worse than he is(!) (willingly walked out on her two toddlers and thereby gave up proper motherhood, just to get with what she stupidly THOUGHT was Daddy Warbucks (don't make me laff!)). Did he listen? Nope, course not.

 

Joe made me promise not to say anything to Chris but, once it comes to light, how much do you want to bet that I'll be saying 'Told ya so'?

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Sally is £210 per hr plus vat so similar to Yvonne. If Chris has squirrelled money away I doubt it is on any large scale - dont forget your Chris had a proper job - my Chris' idea of a lot of money would be say £2k. We are talking from 2 different worlds i think. The solicitor I spoke to originally was £100 per hr plus vat and considering my case would not be dealing with vast amounts I am thinking she would probably be able to handle it. See I know my Chris consulted a solicitor but it could have just been for the first free session. When I spoke to the solicitor he had already spoken to they said they had a record that he had contacte them. They did say that any contact would mean he was on their records. Hmm see there is no point spending loads of money to find out he has none and then I just walk away with a debt. I completely get what you have been saying about how gutted I would be if he was suddenly driving round in a sports car. Every decision is a bloody dilemma at the moment. It's like a bloody game of chess!!! See, he always beat me at chess the little git because his tactic was to think about his move for ages and ages until i got bored so on my turn made my move more rashly than I should have. Sometimes it would be nice to have a crystal ball.

 

Well at least he didn't show up at the house yesterday - we shall see if he is in contact by the weekend. By my reckoning it is the weekend he should have them so let's see what his move will be. The ball is kind of in his court now because I have zero need to contact him. I have sent him the letters outlining when it is feasible for him to have access. Theoretically if he never contacted us ever again we could now just continue on. The child minder is in place etc. So part of me thinks ok take a step back and see what his next move will be.

 

Wow your sister does Slimming World? That's really cool - my mum, sister and I have done slimming world for ages. As I say I was a consultant for a while. I wonder if our paths have ever crossed? Saying that, there are lots of SW groups in my town so might not have. Ask her the name of her consultant and I will tell you if I have heard of her group.

If it turns out that I ever met your sister now THAT would be bloody spooky!!

 

Your Chris sounds like as much of an idiot as mine. Wow about his wife too. Like you say - what goes around - and all of that. You must have been furious when he gave Joe codeine!!! Are these men complete fools??? Don't answer that it's rhetorical lol - or maybe we were the fools for marrying them. Sigh never mind it's all part of lifs rich tapestry and all that b@ll@x.

 

I don't know *** is wrong with my Chris. When I text him to say he didn't need to have the kids this tues and weds what is wrong with texting back "ok" - he is so immature. I get zero response. I don't want to enter into a conversation with him but just an acknowledgement that he got the text would be bloody nice. Oh well at least I know I am behving in the correct manner even if he is being a twonk. The way he is acting is like I walked out on HIM not the other way around. Stupid idiot. He could have handled this so much more amicably with all the cards on the table and it would have been better for me, him AND most of all the kids. Grr sorry for rant but I just can't believe how supremely stupid and selfish he is. I am looking forward to a time when I am indifferent to him and his behaviour. I don't love him anymore - in fact I despise him. I want to be in a place where whatever he does/ says has no effect on me whatsoever. Maybe because we have kids that may never happen. I don't know. I will just keep believing in what goes around comes around etc. I have spent so much energy on him and I don't mean just these past couple of months. It would be nice to just spend some time focusing on myself and my kids. I know - that's where a solicitor comes in and takes the reins etc. I am leaning towards going back to the original solicitor and filing for divorce. I'm not going to rush this decision but that's the way I am leaning. I have the money for those initial costs and I can get the rest from my brother. I would like to get this whole things done and dusted so I can move forward with my life. I'm not the sort of person who can leave loose ends. I am a worrier. I think with Sally - she would be brilliant but I would be reluctant to go to her with things due to running up costs. Georgia (original solicitor has set fees for each thing - children, finances, divorce) yeah I think I will give her another call and get this show in the road. I'm going to give myself until the weekend to really think it all through and decide a plan of action.

 

I will get there in the end!!! I know I am infuriating - usually I can make decisions really easily- I'm not a ditherer. I'm impatient and efficient. This is different - it's life changing I suppose.

 

Oh yeah - question - you know this whole def con thing? What's all that with def con 1- 5? I don't even fully know what you mean by def con? I will google it!

[Supersarahp]

Ok so he has made his next move.

 

I had a voicemail this morning from some guy. The line was bad but from what I could make out he was from family mediation. Chris has met with him and he would like to arrange a joint meeting if possible.

 

I called the guy back and left a message and said I would be willing to meet up.

 

I feel weird - you are right Natters (well duh!) it is because it is another undeniable step to Oversville. It is good though - it's progress! I have such a mix of emotions:

 

Sadness - that it has come to this

Failure - as I didn't want a failed marriage

Relief - that it is a step in the right direction to getting this sorted out.

Happiness - that it will be in front of a third party and his mother won't be there (hooray)

Anxiety - that he might try to twist things around so I look like the awkward, dodgy one.

 

 

I am glad he is starting to play ball. I hope it will be positive and that we can make some proper arrangements. I don't know why I feel so sad. This phone call has knocked me sideways a bit. I mean this is what I have been moaning about - this is what I wanted. Communication - things sorted. So why do I feel so *****? Oh well it will pass - another step forward I guess. Roll with it - another contraction closer to rebirth - bring it on!

 

Ps - just googled the person who called me (It's a woman - sounded like a man!)

 

The website has this blurb:

 

*name* is a solicitor with extensive experience of family law and civil mediation. She specialises in mediation and its application to family disputes. *name* established *name of place* Family Mediation in *my town* and currently works part time for *my town* Family Mediation (part of National Family Mediation). *name* also mediates international child abduction disputes for Reunite. She is also an experienced civil mediator and equalities mediator. She also has particular expertise in disability discrimination, sexual discrimination and racial discrimination.

 

I actually feel a bit better after reading that. Sounds like she might be a feminist type? What do you reckon? Hopefully she will see through his rubbish! Oh well we will soon find out! Kind of excited now!

[Nattersmatter]

Sally is £210 per hr plus vat so similar to Yvonne. If Chris has squirrelled money away I doubt it is on any large scale - dont forget your Chris had a proper job - my Chris' idea of a lot of money would be say £2k. We are talking from 2 different worlds i think. The solicitor I spoke to originally was £100 per hr plus vat and considering my case would not be dealing with vast amounts I am thinking she would probably be able to handle it.

 

You could be right. However...

 

See I know my Chris consulted a solicitor but it could have just been for the first free session. When I spoke to the solicitor he had already spoken to they said they had a record that he had contacte them. They did say that any contact would mean he was on their records.

 

What you have to do is search back in your mind to the rough date concerned, to work out, Had you given Chris any cause to think it was Game Over!/Time to get to a solicitor to start the divorce process with the serving of a petition? Had he thought YOU were about to and his petty little ego wanted to beat you to it ("mleugh!")? If not, if nothing untoward had been in the air at that point as justified that concrete action on his part, you can pretty much surmise it was not about the relationship between you and he per se, meaning it had to be about some less related aspect like money share. It could be he was worried about how much of what little he has he might lose but...here is the ACTUAL question wherein lies the irrefutable, concrete action: HOW MUCH DOES THAT SOLICITOR CHARGE PER HOUR? You see, no-one wants to have a consultation with a solicitor whom ISN'T going to be going forwards with them at that point. Why deliberately make work for yourself in (upon deciding TO go ahead) having to repeat everything to a new solicitor that you explained to the first?

 

See? The fact he had that consultation with them goes a heck of a way to proving that he felt he could CONTINUE with them from there if need be, and at the rate they charge. Phone up and find out their hourly rate...and there will be your answer considering the fact that no badly-off bloke consults a solicitor he couldn't thereafter afford for any decent length of time. I know YOU effectively have done that but you're a woman. You don't MIND having to repeat yourself (LOL). Men are more practical-minded. ...There again - I'm working on the premise of him being a man (hmmm, LOL). Well, alright, then - it'll certainly be a good STARTING point to gaining an idea of his truer finances.

 

Certainly, the sooner you serve that petition the sooner you'll FIND OUT which solicitor (and how expensive) he's appointed, won't you.

 

So I suggest you get the cheaper solicitor to institute the raising of the petition with the court as will then get approved and served on him. Force him to reveal his hand on that score.

 

Hmm see there is no point spending loads of money to find out he has none and then I just walk away with a debt. I completely get what you have been saying about how gutted I would be if he was suddenly driving round in a sports car. Every decision is a bloody dilemma at the moment. It's like a bloody game of chess!!! See, he always beat me at chess the little git because his tactic was to think about his move for ages and ages until i got bored so on my turn made my move more rashly than I should have. Sometimes it would be nice to have a crystal ball.

 

The fact is, Sarah, that on some level you DO know what's what. Maybe you're going AGAINST that knowledge and maybe that's because you're a Londoner (LOL - couldn't resist, sorry), maybe that's because your inner wisdom knows NOT having your fair half/two-thirds share is the circuit path you need to be shunting yourself on to? So I wouldn't worry TOO much. Que Sera. But first just do all you CAN to know whether you shunted yourself onto the optimal track.

 

Well at least he didn't show up at the house yesterday - we shall see if he is in contact by the weekend. By my reckoning it is the weekend he should have them so let's see what his move will be. The ball is kind of in his court now because I have zero need to contact him. I have sent him the letters outlining when it is feasible for him to have access. Theoretically if he never contacted us ever again we could now just continue on. The child minder is in place etc. So part of me thinks ok take a step back and see what his next move will be.

 

Excellently canny decision APART FROM said investigative requirement.

 

Wow your sister does Slimming World? That's really cool - my mum, sister and I have done slimming world for ages. As I say I was a consultant for a while. I wonder if our paths have ever crossed? Saying that, there are lots of SW groups in my town so might not have. Ask her the name of her consultant and I will tell you if I have heard of her group.

If it turns out that I ever met your sister now THAT would be bloody spooky!!

 

Will do! And yes, when added on top of everything else, it bloody WOULD!

 

Your Chris sounds like as much of an idiot as mine. Wow about his wife too. Like you say - what goes around - and all of that. You must have been furious when he gave Joe codeine!!! Are these men complete fools??? Don't answer that it's rhetorical lol - or maybe we were the fools for marrying them. Sigh never mind it's all part of lifs rich tapestry and all that b@ll@x.

 

Exactly. You choose whichever holes to crawl through based on your shape and - via whatever holes those holes lead towards - what shape you want to become/know you need to become. But WHATEVER holes you crawl through, you'll still get to your ultimate destination (the interface).

 

But she's not his wife, just his cohabitee. I took the choice OUT of Chris's hands about reconciling/not reconciling, ergo his choice became between No Partner or Crap Partner (he'd only advertised and interviewed based on the job called, 'Will like sex and massage my ego a lot'); he'd gone shopping for a mistress through one of those disgustingly debauched sites for married persons wanting an affair(!). I.e. he picked her off the very bottom of the barrel...and now he wonders why she's behaving like a bottom of the barrel merchant (duuh?!).

 

I don't know *** is wrong with my Chris. When I text him to say he didn't need to have the kids this tues and weds what is wrong with texting back "ok" - he is so immature. I get zero response. I don't want to enter into a conversation with him but just an acknowledgement that he got the text would be bloody nice. Oh well at least I know I am behving in the correct manner even if he is being a twonk. The way he is acting is like I walked out on HIM not the other way around. Stupid idiot. He could have handled this so much more amicably with all the cards on the table and it would have been better for me, him AND most of all the kids. Grr sorry for rant but I just can't believe how supremely stupid and selfish he is.

 

Yup. I know.

 

The reason he doesn't acknowledge is because he doesn't want to cooperate with you (, "you b*tch!"). You were supposed to lump it, like the little slave you were. But you didn't. How very DARE you.

 

Suggest if he does that again you text to say, 're my last mssg: I believe our children deserve fully cooperative parents as includes them acknowledging each other's childcare-centred communiques. Do you?'.

 

I am looking forward to a time when I am indifferent to him and his behaviour. I don't love him anymore - in fact I despise him. I want to be in a place where whatever he does/ says has no effect on me whatsoever. Maybe because we have kids that may never happen. I don't know.

 

No such thing as divorce when you have kids. But those kids cease being kids at some point (so phew!). Imagine if they didn't!?!

 

I will just keep believing in what goes around comes around etc. I have spent so much energy on him and I don't mean just these past couple of months. It would be nice to just spend some time focusing on myself and my kids. I know - that's where a solicitor comes in and takes the reins etc. I am leaning towards going back to the original solicitor and filing for divorce. I'm not going to rush this decision but that's the way I am leaning. I have the money for those initial costs and I can get the rest from my brother. I would like to get this whole things done and dusted so I can move forward with my life. I'm not the sort of person who can leave loose ends. I am a worrier. I think with Sally - she would be brilliant but I would be reluctant to go to her with things due to running up costs. Georgia (original solicitor has set fees for each thing - children, finances, divorce) yeah I think I will give her another call and get this show in the road. I'm going to give myself until the weekend to really think it all through and decide a plan of action.

 

If you finally decide there ISN'T any hidden pot or you don't give one about it, anyway, then I would actually suggest you do one of those on-line do-it-yourself divorces which cost next to nothing.

 

I will get there in the end!!! I know I am infuriating - usually I can make decisions really easily- I'm not a ditherer. I'm impatient and efficient. This is different - it's life changing I suppose.

 

I think you're actually waiting for more data (which you possibly sense is about to come in).

 

Oh yeah - question - you know this whole def con thing? What's all that with def con 1- 5? I don't even fully know what you mean by def con? I will google it!

 

DefCon 5 (no threats): Tra-la-laaa.

DefCon 4: Hang on a minute - what was that...???

DefCon 3: There's someone walking around downstairs!! "WHO'S THERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!"

Defcon 2: "I'M COMING DOWN AND I'VE GOT A KNIFE!!!"

Defcon 1: "AIYEEEEEE!!!!" [stab-stab-stab]

 

...basically.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Ok so he has made his next move.

 

I had a voicemail this morning from some guy. The line was bad but from what I could make out he was from family mediation. Chris has met with him and he would like to arrange a joint meeting if possible.

 

I called the guy back and left a message and said I would be willing to meet up.

 

Oh, my god, he is 'my' Chris in another body!!! Well, anyway - good... because mediators aren't daft. BUT... you do have the right to shop around, you do NOT have to accept HIS choice of mediator!

 

Well, anyway, this means you now need to appoint a solicitor URGENTLY so that you can PROTECT your right not to have to accept his choice of mediator without any say in it. ORRR, have as long a chat on the phone with him as you can (and certainly he should let you - not about the actual disagreements, just about what the process will entail, etc) so you can get a feel of him. Okay?

 

I feel weird - you are right Natters (well duh!) it is because it is another undeniable step to Oversville. It is good though - it's progress! I have such a mix of emotions:

 

Sadness - that it has come to this

Failure - as I didn't want a failed marriage

Relief - that it is a step in the right direction to getting this sorted out.

Happiness - that it will be in front of a third party and his mother won't be there (hooray)

Anxiety - that he might try to twist things around so I look like the awkward, dodgy one.

 

Saying your marriage failed is wrong because it DIDN'T fail in the job for which it was intended and based on which you bought that product. In fact - which you'll in however many months find out - it worked perfectly.

 

He shouldn't be able to twist ANYTHING. Mediators are well used to that and bear it always in mind, don't worry.

 

I am glad he is starting to play ball. I hope it will be positive and that we can make some proper arrangements. I don't know why I feel so sad. This phone call has knocked me sideways a bit. I mean this is what I have been moaning about - this is what I wanted. Communication - things sorted. So why do I feel so *****? Oh well it will pass - another step forward I guess. Roll with it - another contraction closer to rebirth - bring it on!

 

Answer: Change. Massive, massive accross-the-board change. We "dunlike chaaange". Think about it: normally in a 10 year period you might change your job; or you might move house; you might experience the death of someone close to you, etc., etc. This one is changing everything major at once! It's a lot for a mind to cope with. That's what Trauma means.

 

Ps - just googled the person who called me (It's a woman - sounded like a man!)

 

Oh, WUNDERBAR!!! Scratch above comment, then!

 

The website has this blurb:

 

*name* is a solicitor with extensive experience of family law and civil mediation. She specialises in mediation and its application to family disputes. *name* established *name of place* Family Mediation in *my town* and currently works part time for *my town* Family Mediation (part of National Family Mediation). *name* also mediates international child abduction disputes for Reunite. She is also an experienced civil mediator and equalities mediator. She also has particular expertise in disability discrimination, sexual discrimination and racial discrimination.

 

She handles child abduction disputes? Woah. Excellent!

 

I actually feel a bit better after reading that. Sounds like she might be a feminist type? What do you reckon? Hopefully she will see through his rubbish! Oh well we will soon find out! Kind of excited now!

 

Again, she doesn't even need to be feminist to see through his rubbish. She doesn't sound feminist, anyway. She just sounds ANTI-INJUSTICE. Which is all you need.

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Whew yes she sounds good on paper! I have tried numerous times today I contact get but always voicemail. I am off tomorrow so will keep trying

 

Will have that chat with her and then work out what I need to do before the meeting. I think I can handle it. I need it to be productive and positive.

As regards your comment about it being his choice of mediator - I actually don't think it is. I rang family mediation a couple of weeks ago and they said they would write to him and he would have 10 days in which to respond. So I suspect that is what he has done. On the message she left she mentioned that I had called them. I think she did anyway - it was a baaaad line. Will listen to the message again.

 

Thanks for clearing up the def con thing. Hmm I think I am feeling a bit shabby today. Lol - not in a def con way though more in a die piggy die way.

 

Oh yes nearly forgot. I will for sure ring his solicitor for info again to find out what they charge. See I get what you are saying about it not being a man thing to have the free consultation but don't forget - there is also an organ grinder alongside this particular monkey and she's a woman! His mother is hugely keen on visiting solicitors for free consultations. She recommends it at the drop of a hat and has confessed to actually going around a few of them getting tidbits if advice about various disputes. So yeah i can just envisage her pushing him to do that. I will check it out though - be prepared Boy Scout dib dib dib and all that.

 

I woke up this morning at 3am and could t go back to sleep. I was praying praying praying for some kind of guidance regarding Sally and the other solicitor and my next move. Then this morning I get that call. So there we go.

 

Lets do it!

 

Ps. I'm not a Londoner !!!! How very dare you I was technically born there bit we moved when I was 3 so c'mon! You are more of. Londoner than I am ! (Ducks for cover)

[Supersarahp]

So the woman just called me back. Frances is her name. She seems nice. She met with Chris yesterday. It's not the one I contacted. Putting two and two together I get this:

 

1) He receives a letter from the family mediation I contacted a couple of weeks ago. Around that time he receives my original letter and shortly after my second letter.

 

2) He thinks "oh baldocks she isn't just going to meekly accept whatever I throw at her."

 

3) He thinks "well I'll be damned if I'm gonna do what she wants. I'm free now blah de crap crap - I can do what I want" so he figured he will regain 'control' by seeking his own mediation person. Stupid fool.

 

She made an appointment to see me after work next Tuesday (19th). I got a small vibe that she seemed sympathetic towards Chris - very small. I think it was only because she said "I met with Chris" in like a familiar way. I guess that's to be expected at this stage - she has only had his side of things thus far. That will all change soon enough. The meeting with me is free of charge and is to establish whether or not I want to proceed with the mediation. Chris has had his meeting and he does wish to proceed. I will attend the meeting on Tuesday and give my side of things and gauge what she is like a bit more and see what her vibe is by the end of it and then decide whether or not to proceed.

 

She is part of a husband and wife team. She's the solicitor and mediator, he is a child psychologist. They run the service from their house and she says they keep the costs reasonably because of this.

 

I like the sound of it all - I dislike the fact that he got to put his side accross first. As long as I get my chance and get a fair hearing I guess that does not matter too much.

 

I think I surprised her on the phone already. I said I was very pleased to receive her phone call as I have been asking Chris to discuss things or to go to mediation for a long time but he has refused. I said I was very eager to resolve things in an amicable manner as we have children and their welfare is the most important thing. She seemed pleasantly surprised. I imagine he has been telling her I am in co operative. Well the fact that she would have receive 7 missed calls from me today should have put paid to that theory anyway. Nice try chrissypants - better luck next time!

 

So I have a week to prepare. Good good - onwards and upwards.

[Supersarahp]

Every day there is something new!!!

 

Ok so I received the following letter from Chris:

 

Dear Sarah,

 

Reference: your recent letters.

 

I was both surprised and disappointed to receive the above mentioned letters. Following our conversation on 27/02/2013, I felt we had discussed a fair and reasonable proposal, reference changes to my access time to see our children, following changes in my shift pattern which take effect on Monday 18th March 2013.

 

The proposals we discussed on 27/02/2013 had been as follows:

 

I would collect the children from you on an ongoing weekly basis at 6.30pm on Saturday and have them until Monday morning when I would take them to school. You then disagreed to me collecting the children on Saturday evening and counter proposed that I collect them from your home at 10am each Sunday. I agreed to this proposal and reiterated my proposal that they stay with me overnight each Sunday and either I, or my mother take them to school each Monday morning. You then seemed favourable of this at the time and stated you would consider it and get back to me.

 

I feel the proposals made in your letters are unfair, and would lead to a dramatic cut in the time I get to spend with our three children. The reasons for this are as follows:

 

1. I am on a 4 weekly rota. I have Sunday as a rest day every week and one other day Monday to Saturday. There are no provisions in my rota for a fixed number of Saturdays off in any 4 week cycle.

2. Your current proposal would mean that I would potentially only see the children for 1 day every two weeks, this is neither in the children's or my best interests. As stated in your letters they need quality time with is both.

 

After discussing this with friends and family who have helped me to see things from your point of view as well as my own, I would like to propose the following in regards to regular access times and their day to day care.

 

I collect the children every Sunday at 10am and have them overnight taking them to school on Monday. I will wash and dry their clothes from Sunday and return them to you the following Sunday.

 

They are to continue with the arrangements you have put into place for them going to a childminder before school on the days you work.

 

They will continue with the arrangements you have in place for you mother to collect them from school on the days you work.

 

(He then goes on to discuss holidays which I won't bore you with and asks me to confirm if he can have them this weekend Sunday into Monday)

 

Then....

 

You indicate on your letter that I am unwilling to discuss a regular schedule of childcare that would suit all our needs. This is an unfair representation of the facts. I am unable to discuss an ongoing routine as my rota changes every 4 weeks and I have no influence over the days or hours I work.

 

You raised concerns over the manner in which I dropped our sons off on Sunday 3rd March. I feel your letter is an unfair representation of the event. As the split was, and is still very recent there have been a number of arguments between us both over text and on the doorstep when I have returned the children to your care. On Weds 27th February I returned the children to you at 6.30pm. Despise having a structured conversation about access to the children the conversation contained many harsh and angry exchanges which were witnessed by our children. On Sunday 3rd march I was keen to avoid this reoccurring so pulled up in the driveway and said my goodbyes to the boys in the car. I then waited while they entered the house and did not leave until you and Lauren came to the door. I understand that it is unacceptable for them to enter a house unsupervised and going forward I will ensure they knock at the door and wait for you to come and let them in.

 

Going forward I feel we both need to work on our communication skills and not have the children telling is what is going on. I was saddened and disappointed to have been unable to have the children on Tuesday 12th March to Wednesday 13th march as previously arranged. We had discussed and agreed together that I would have them at these times. I confirmed on Wednesday 27th February that Tuesday 12th March and Wednesday 13th Marvh would be the final week I would be able to do this as part of their ongoing routine and I had taken holiday from work to ensure I could fulfil this commitment and give you plenty of time to make alternative arrangements.

 

The children informed me on Tuesday 05th March that you had arranged a child minder to have them before school and your mother to have them after school on the days that you work. I later got confirmation of this from you via text message on Thursday 7th march that a childminder was in place and that I am not required. I am saddened that I was prevented from spending this time with the children as previously arranged.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Chief twonk

[Supersarahp]

I text him saying thank you for the letter and that I would consider the points he raised. I also said that it was not feasible for him to have them Sunday into Monday as I was unwilling to further disrupt them and they have settled into their routine. I said if he would like to have them Saturday night into Sunday this weekend then let me know. I said we will discuss te permenent ongoing arrangements in mediation.

[Nattersmatter]

Whew yes she sounds good on paper! I have tried numerous times today I contact get but always voicemail. I am off tomorrow so will keep trying

 

Will have that chat with her and then work out what I need to do before the meeting. I think I can handle it. I need it to be productive and positive.

As regards your comment about it being his choice of mediator - I actually don't think it is. I rang family mediation a couple of weeks ago and they said they would write to him and he would have 10 days in which to respond. So I suspect that is what he has done. On the message she left she mentioned that I had called them. I think she did anyway - it was a baaaad line. Will listen to the message again.

 

In that case, brilliant!

 

Thanks for clearing up the def con thing. Hmm I think I am feeling a bit shabby today. Lol - not in a def con way though more in a die piggy die way.

 

What a fantastically cute expression! Going to steal it. ;-)

 

Naaah. You don't want him to die. It would do your kids' heads in. Plus, he's your future free-of-charge babysitter. Yes, he'll always be a toxic wazzock but in future he hopefully won't even get the opportunities to demonstrate that side of himself.

 

Oh yes nearly forgot. I will for sure ring his solicitor for info again to find out what they charge. See I get what you are saying about it not being a man thing to have the free consultation but don't forget - there is also an organ grinder alongside this particular monkey and she's a woman! His mother is hugely keen on visiting solicitors for free consultations. She recommends it at the drop of a hat and has confessed to actually going around a few of them getting tidbits if advice about various disputes. So yeah i can just envisage her pushing him to do that. I will check it out though - be prepared Boy Scout dib dib dib and all that.

 

Oh, yes. Course! I stand corrected, well done for reminding me.

 

I woke up this morning at 3am and could t go back to sleep. I was praying praying praying for some kind of guidance regarding Sally and the other solicitor and my next move. Then this morning I get that call. So there we go.

 

Ta-daa.

 

Lets do it!

 

I feel a cheerleading show coming on...

 

"Rah-rah-rah, gimmie a "D!" ("DEEE"), gimmie an "I!" ("IYYY")....

 

Sar-ah's gon-na mince his meat

And take away his pow-er

And then the world will get to see

He's just a moul-dy flow-er,

Yeeeeeeeaaaaayyyy....go Team Saaarahhh, whoooh!!"

 

Ps. I'm not a Londoner !!!! How very dare you I was technically born there bit we moved when I was 3 so c'mon! You are more of. Londoner than I am ! (Ducks for cover)

 

Ducks for cover against what? Rain? You wanna try an umbrella, that's where you've been going wrong all this time, see. (Stupid foreigners

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Got to make supper now (yep, Davi's back, alright), so - laters. But I can't help but see "Chief twonk" at the bottom there. ROFL! Where do you GET these expressions? They're....gggggggggggREAT! xoxo PS: name the advert!

[Supersarahp]

Not sure where I get the expressions - I just picture his face and they seem to pop into my head!!!

 

I know you haven't had time to catch up with my latest posts just yet so I really shouldn't be posting more but hey ho! Had a small text exchange with him tonight so I will put it on here and then it's done. Ok so I had said he could have them this weekend but not overnight Sunday. I got this:

 

I am happy to have the children from Saturday and thanks for that, however the children have only had 1 week if childcare, it would enable me to have a touch point with the school on a Monday which I feel is important to be involved in their education as I have always played a big part in that. Also this would save you money by opting for this routine.

 

 

I replied:

 

That is something we can further discuss in mediation as it is not really something easily discussed via text message. For this weekend I will have the children ready for you on Saturday at 6.30pm and will expect them back on Sunday at 6pm

 

.....

 

No reply as yet - forget chess this in now like a game of tennis! I have many many reasons why I don't want him having them every Sunday - Monday. Won't list them all here now but I am going to write them down for mediation cos he is going to push for it and he ain't getting it.

 

 

Ps hope you have had an enjoyable supper - I had a roast beef dinner

 

Pps - umbrellas don't agree with me - they always seem to turn themselves inside out.

 

Oh yes - learned all about diabetes at work yesterday. The trainer was saying that giving too much insulin was extremely dangerous. I said "that would be a good way to murder your husband and get away with it" ....... She thought I was joking ...

[Nattersmatter]

Right then....

 

By the way - am taking the liberty of having fun with this one (num-num-num!!).

 

Every day there is something new!!!

 

Ok so I received the following letter from Chris:

 

Dear Sarah,

 

Reference: your recent letters.

 

I was both surprised and disappointed to receive the above mentioned letters.

 

Awww... were you? Try having the spouse who promised in front of 'god' and witnesses to stay married and loyal to you til their dying day for better and worse walk out on you with practically zero warning and on your three kids who were entitled to the right to a normal family life, AND where that spouse suddenly ceases giving one about whether you can manage on your own both financially and practically, and THEN you'll know what 'surprise and disappointment' is (, you self-centred, selfish tosser.

 

Following our conversation on 27/02/2013, I felt we had discussed a fair and reasonable proposal, reference changes to my access time to see our children, following changes in my shift pattern which take effect on Monday 18th March 2013.

 

Yeah? Following your conversations on this date, that date, the other date, Sarah thought you were as willing to work on keeping the marriage that you had promised to always honour (ya tosser). So she knows ALL about goalposts shifting and expectations getting dashed accordingly, mate! Wel-come to-her woooorld!

 

The proposals we discussed on 27/02/2013 had been as follows:

 

I would collect the children from you on an ongoing weekly basis at 6.30pm on Saturday and have them until Monday morning when I would take them to school. You then disagreed to me collecting the children on Saturday evening and counter proposed that I collect them from your home at 10am each Sunday. I agreed to this proposal and reiterated my proposal that they stay with me overnight each Sunday and either I, or my mother take them to school each Monday morning. You then seemed favourable of this at the time and stated you would consider it and get back to me.

 

Yeeeeah... Sorry about that, pal. She was a bit distracted at the time what with gazing at the horns protruding from your head and wondering how on earth she'd never noticed them before. Cuh, tsk!... just can't get the staff, eh?

 

I feel

 

Debateable. Demonstrably so.

 

...the proposals made in your letters are unfair,

 

Oh, NOW you want to talk about fair and unfair! Coo... You should have SAID!... on this date, that date and the other date. Oh, aye, Sarah was very much still interested in fair versus unfair back then, doncha know. But now she's not. Oh, dear. Life is so UNFAIR to you, Chris, isn't it? You poor man.

 

(SHAME on you, Sarah. Didn't you know you were supposed to let him abandon you and your kids with a merry, "Cheerio!" and contented whistle?... and possibly a packed lunch a Thermos of hot tea? And with absolutely no loss or inconvenience to him, subsequently?)

 

...and would lead to a dramatic cut in the time I get to spend with our three children.

 

No, actually, I think you'll find the dramatic cut in the time you get to spend with your three children has rather more to do with the fact of YOUR ABANDONMENT! (I knowwww! How does THAT work!?)

 

The reasons for this are as follows:

 

1. I am on a 4 weekly rota. I have Sunday as a rest day every week and one other day Monday to Saturday. There are no provisions in my rota for a fixed number of Saturdays off in any 4 week cycle.

 

YOUR problem! Which you wouldn't have, had you not so readily abandoned them.

 

2. Your current proposal would mean that I would potentially only see the children for 1 day every two weeks, this is neither in the children's or my best interests. As stated in your letters they need quality time with is both.

 

Yep. Should have thought of that, too! And what - you think it's GOOD for children to be constantly around and soaking up the psychological settings dysfunction of a family abandoner, do you? PFFF. You're living in La-La land.

 

After discussing this with friends and family who have helped me to see things from your point of view as well as my own, I would like to propose the following in regards to regular access times and their day to day care.

 

What, you mean the Dysfunctional Like as birthed you as well as that your own Like attracts? Yep, I'm sure they have a sound and healthy idea of what's fair and unfair, too, mm-hm. (Can you tell a DIFFERENT story, daddy? - this one's boring.)

 

Try less proposing and more begging and negotiating!

 

I collect the children every Sunday at 10am and have them overnight taking them to school on Monday. I will wash and dry their clothes from Sunday and return them to you the following Sunday.

 

Er, no. I think you'll find it's a case of whatever is now convenient to the put-upon SINGLE PARENT WHOSE LIFE IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH MORE HARRIED THAN YOURS. And you will wash and dry AND iron the school clothes they turned up in on the Friday night. Meanwhile, YOU will fork out for clothes that they can wear when staying with you!

 

Aww.. did you think Sarah was going to bear the cost of the clothes' (completely careless) wear and tear when on your watch in terms of original supply AND all future replacements, AND prevent you from having to ever buy them clothes yourself when existing in 'your world'?.. aww... That means you're now going to be even MORE disappointed and surprised.... (*sigh*).

 

They are to continue with the arrangements you have put into place for them going to a childminder before school on the days you work.

 

They will continue with the arrangements you have in place for you mother to collect them from school on the days you work.

 

(He then goes on to discuss holidays which I won't bore you with and asks me to confirm if he can have them this weekend Sunday into Monday)

 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz............. huh?!... sorry?, what? Oh. Right...right...

 

Here... Did you notice something? - Isn't it funny how suddenly NOW he no longer has a problem when it comes to wanting to discuss things properly and fully?? [scratches head]

 

Then....

 

Must I?

 

You indicate on your letter that I am unwilling to discuss a regular schedule of childcare that would suit all our needs. This is an unfair representation of the facts.

 

No, mate - YOU are an unfair representation. Of a human being.

 

I am unable to discuss an ongoing routine as my rota changes every 4 weeks and I have no influence over the days or hours I work.

 

SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU SO FREELY-AND-EASILY BAILED OUT ON YOUR FAMILY, THEN, *EH*!

 

You raised concerns

 

No, she raised three delightful kids. Your MOTHER is the one who raised a concern.

 

...over the manner in which I dropped our sons off on Sunday 3rd March. I feel your letter is an unfair representation of the event.

 

Oh my god, the nerve of this guy!

 

As the split was, and is still very recent there have been a number of arguments between us both over text and on the doorstep when I have returned the children to your care. On Weds 27th February I returned the children to you at 6.30pm. Despise having a structured conversation about access to the children the conversation contained many harsh and angry exchanges which were witnessed by our children. On Sunday 3rd march I was keen to avoid this reoccurring so pulled up in the driveway and said my goodbyes to the boys in the car. I then waited while they entered the house and did not leave until you and Lauren came to the door. I understand that it is unacceptable for them to enter a house unsupervised and going forward I will ensure they knock at the door and wait for you to come and let them in.

 

(Note the Freudian Slip, Sarah.)

 

It's hardly a difficult thing to ALREADY understand whereby no-one needs to remind you, pal. The fact is you put your own needs before the kids. Don't make out you did that FOR the kids! And don't you DARE lie about having watched them come in because you were already halfway turned into the outside road before they even STARTED to come in through the door!

 

Going forward I feel we both need to work on our communication skills and not have the children telling is what is going on.

 

(Have you noticed how many spelling errors there are, Sarah? The guy can't even be arsed to dedicate any real energy above the basic to this letter of paramount importance!)

 

I was saddened and disappointed

 

Yes. Why DID you do that to yourself, Chris?

 

to have been unable to have the children on Tuesday 12th March to Wednesday 13th march as previously arranged. We had discussed and agreed together that I would have them at these times. I confirmed on Wednesday 27th February that Tuesday 12th March and Wednesday 13th Marvh would be the final week I would be able to do this as part of their ongoing routine and I had taken holiday from work to ensure I could fulfil this commitment and give you plenty of time to make alternative arrangements.

 

Again, it's called try not walking out of your family and life job in the first place. It's also called, life and complications happen. Grow the hell up!

 

The children informed me on Tuesday 05th March that you had arranged a child minder to have them before school and your mother to have them after school on the days that you work. I later got confirmation of this from you via text message on Thursday 7th march that a childminder was in place and that I am not required. I am saddened that I was prevented from spending this time with the children as previously arranged.

 

Why don't you just buy a violin and be done with it? [swan Lake's "The Dying Swan" "Nyyyeeeah-nyeeaah-nyeah, Nyyyeah-nyeeah nyeah-nyeah, Nyyyyyeaaaah...Nyeaaah-NyyyyyeeeeeeaaaahZzzzzzzzzzzzz..................."

 

Yours sincerely

 

Surprised you can even SPELL it, mate!

 

Chief twonk

 

 

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

By the way...

 

Going forward I feel we both need to work on our communication skills and not have the children telling is what is going on.

 

He's suddenly got something to hide which he won't be able to so easily hide from the kids. So that's why he suddenly wants you to feel you don't need to bother with dialling up the 'kiddiegram', the 'speak the truth' machines on legs. If you always ask him, you won't ever have to think to ask them, will you. ;-)

 

He really under-estimates them, doesn't he? Thinks they say nothing whatsoever unless you prompt them to. Fool.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Hmm. No, I don't like the fact she referred to him as Chris, either. Hmm.. It should have been, "Mr [surname]" specifically TO show lack of bias. Unless she called YOU by your christian name as well? RSVP.

 

Furthermore, she shouldn't have seen him separately. You're supposed to turn up at the same time whereupon THEN she sees you followed by Chris or vice versa (about 20 mins each) after which she sees you together.

 

I feel wary. Not LEAST because of this:

 

 

 

If she could be surprised then that proves she already had a preconception, a bias. Wonder where THAT came from! It's not very professional, though.

 

So you just make sure - since they're husband and wife thus pro-marriage - that during your prelim chat you make her fully aware of the fact that you AND ONLY YOU were the one fighting to keep the marriage together...AND first and foremost for the kids' sakes, okay?

 

Still, the fact you did surprise her, both in word and backing action, will have shown her that - DOH! she's been taken in by Mr Superficially Charming. It also shows how articulate and convincing you are (hardly surprising when you have truth on your side and he doesn't, eh). Keep that up and then you'll basically have the same situation *I* had: I could even SEE the moment when our mediator realised wasband had been feeding her lies!... and her subsequent court report illustrated her resentment over this, no doubt about it. So, yes - more fool him.

 

By the way - reminds me! I can't remember what it was over, now, but following the Decree Absolut, Chris tried to gain the advice and support of his solicitor. Yvonne and I could tell from her response, copied to us, that she had (from the financial hearings) realised Chris had managed to pull the wool over her eyes and thereby had humiliated her in front of the judge and her peers. Her response basically translated to this: Yeah, whadevaaah.. your problem, pal, sort it out yourself.

 

Truth always outs, Sarah. Always. It's only ever a case of When, not If.

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

I text him saying thank you for the letter and that I would consider the points he raised.

 

Bravo! Yes, that's it - always buy time to compose yourself.

 

I also said that it was not feasible for him to have them Sunday into Monday as I was unwilling to further disrupt them and they have settled into their routine. I said if he would like to have them Saturday night into Sunday this weekend then let me know. I said we will discuss te permenent ongoing arrangements in mediation.

 

Yep - TOO LATE, PAL - YOU MISSED THE BUS!

 

Marks overall out of 10?

 

10!

 

Have a Gold Star. (It's a chocolate one, as well.)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

...Hwhy, Mesh Moneypenny, Ah dooo buleeve yu'rrr al-rreadeh fly'n' solo!

 

xoxo

[Supersarahp]

Yes she called me Sarah. I will just have to make sure I make the most of my chance to show her the truth on Tuesday when I meet her alone. I'm going to write everything I wish to say down and go through it all beforehand.

 

He will have done the whole "I'm such a victim, she is soooooo hard to communicate with" thing. Ah well 5 minutes with me will blow that out of the water. I can back everything I say up with facts as well.

[Nattersmatter]

Not sure where I get the expressions - I just picture his face and they seem to pop into my head!!!

 

You should write your own Insults dictionary, you could make a fortune! LOL

 

I know you haven't had time to catch up with my latest posts just yet so I really shouldn't be posting more but hey ho! Had a small text exchange with him tonight so I will put it on here and then it's done. Ok so I had said he could have them this weekend but not overnight Sunday. I got this:

 

I am happy to have the children from Saturday and thanks for that, however the children have only had 1 week if childcare, it would enable me to have a touch point with the school on a Monday which I feel is important to be involved in their education as I have always played a big part in that. Also this would save you money by opting for this routine.

 

 

I replied:

 

That is something we can further discuss in mediation as it is not really something easily discussed via text message.

 

Bravo!!!

 

The time for free and open communication has LONG GONE. And it was his stupid choice to begin with ('what goes around, comes back a-round, yeh, ma bay-beh') because he was either dodging attempts altogether or deliberately using them as excuses to muck you about and wind you up. Sooner he realises that he should talk to the (hired) hand, the better it'll be for everybody.

 

For this weekend I will have the children ready for you on Saturday at 6.30pm and will expect them back on Sunday at 6pm

 

.....

 

No reply as yet

 

Chortle-chortle (you don't say?).

 

- forget chess this in now like a game of tennis! I have many many reasons why I don't want him having them every Sunday - Monday. Won't list them all here now but I am going to write them down for mediation cos he is going to push for it and he ain't getting it.

 

Aww-ww-wwww?? Not fair. [sulky face] ME wanna see!!!

 

Ps hope you have had an enjoyable supper - I had a roast beef dinner

 

That's it, lots of variety in your diet, LOL. We had spag bol made with red wine, Worcestershire sauce, tabasco and sliced black olives. And minced beef, of course, LOL. I am now with child. Am going to call it Dolmio if it's a girl or Duram if it's a boy. (Uuuuuuuuurp!! - OH, NO - THEY KILLED KENNY- I MEAN DOLMIO!!!!)

 

Pps - umbrellas don't agree with me - they always seem to turn themselves inside out.

 

Perfick new nickname for Chris, then (umbrella), yeh?

 

Oh yes - learned all about diabetes at work yesterday. The trainer was saying that giving too much insulin was extremely dangerous. I said "that would be a good way to murder your husband and get away with it" ....... She thought I was joking ...

 

ROFL!!! (PS: How much?)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Yes she called me Sarah. I will just have to make sure I make the most of my chance to show her the truth on Tuesday when I meet her alone. I'm going to write everything I wish to say down and go through it all beforehand.

 

He will have done the whole "I'm such a victim, she is soooooo hard to communicate with" thing. Ah well 5 minutes with me will blow that out of the water. I can back everything I say up with facts as well.

 

PHEWWW!!!

 

xoxo

 

PS: LOVING your newly confident tone, by the way! (- oooh, get herrrr!!?