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New girl, new life - Wife wants me back?!


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Hey All,


Have to fill you in on a few details so please bear with me for a bit....


18-24 months ago I was on these forums under a different name suffering from a chronic case of heart break. My wife whom I had been with since child hood for 12 years decided she didn't want me anymore. I knew I hadn't quite worked as hard as I should at the marriage but at the same time thought there was more to it than met the eye - almost like she was suffering an early mid-life crisis - it couldn't all have been my fault? Friends and family didn't listen and told me to just accept it and move on.


We lived in the family house together for 12 months as we have 3 children together, I tried like hell to make it work and to be perfectly honest - she was a total to me. Nothing I did was good enough and she told me the only thing in life she wasn't happy with was me. I gave up and moved out a year ago. Within 3 months I found she had started a relationship with somebody, it hurt like crazy but kicked started the process of getting over her (The relationship apparently fizzed out pretty quickly).


I myself met somebody about 3 months ago who I really like. We clicked instantly and have fun times together. I don't love her (yet?) but could definitely see a fun happy future with her. She was literally the first thing to make me feel happy since the breakup.


Now... 12 months since I moved out and nearly 24 months since she told me she didn't love me, she has decided she wants it all back! She still wasn't happy in life and so went to see a counsellor. She pinpointed her career (or lack of) as the problem. Something to do with self-worth and fulfilment. Anyhow... the fact remains she's seems to have done a 180 in terms of attitude and feelings. We had an very in-depth and emotional chat on Christmas eve. She's apologised for her part and we found some middle ground in terms of what really went wrong between us. She knows about my new relationship and I can see it hurts her. I have no idea of my feelings for her. I'm pretty sure I stopped loving her a while back but there are times when I miss her and the thought of us all being back together as a family again has real appeal.


I think my question to you guys is; how do I even start to work out what to do for the best?!





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I'm pretty sure I stopped loving her a while back but there are times when I miss her and the thought of us all being back together as a family again has real appeal.
If you don't love her then missing her and the family life are not strong enough reasons to reconcile.


Do you think you could resuscitate that love?


Also - what happens the next time she gets depressed about something - will that be your fault and the same syndrome occur? What guarantee can she offer that she won't do the same thing again?

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Besides, if your new relationship is "literally the first thing to make you feel happy since the breakup", it means that you haven't really worked on improving yourself since your wife left you, which also means that you aren't really ready for a new relationship with either of these women.

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Thanks guys...


@dn - These are exactly the questions I have, it's tough because I feel like I could give it a go, but (maybe a little selfish of me) I'm not prepared to lose the new lady in my life without guarantees


@droplet - hmmm, maybe. Whilst I lived with her during the 'trying' phase I made a lot of non-specific changes - just generally started to appreciate and thus work harder for those things and people in life that mean something to me (learnt that lesson the hard way). My kids are amazing and I have a decent career. I was just lonely after we split... I went on a few dates and wasn't interested in them. New girl and I stumbled accross each other. She makes me smile!


...although the element of doubt must mean i'm not truly ready. Had my 'wife' not had a change of heart I wouldn't have looked back. I had already started pushing for a divorce.

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Call me cynical but I wonder if her sudden interest in having you back is financially motivated?


I was thinking that and/or her new boyfriend dumped her.


I just feel like the only reason you would go back is the kids. Marriage requires love between the parents. Your love seems to be gone.

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Hi All... There's a theme of 'move on' right there!


As for financial reasons...maybe... she does ok for herself. I think from her perspective it's just bad timing - she got the counselling, realised she'd lost a good(ish) thing and then I told her about the new girl, I think she panicked and tried to back track. I agree with all else that's been said... I got hurt and don't think I can trust her.


Really appreciate the comments - genuinely helped. Thank You!

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