A dumpee's plan for reconciliation. To be carried out over the next 6 months.

[Javabear]

It's been four long months since he left and while the pain from the breakup has subsided, the love in my heart has not. Being left because my ex developed feelings for someone else SHOULD be a reason to turn tail and run. But, after a lot of soul-searching and self-reflection, I realized that the only reason he became attracted to someone else was because of my behavior. I was too needy, I pushed our relationship too far too soon and I freaked him out. We had been together for three years, but we're in college and this was his first relationship. I'm not making excuses for his actions, I am merely beginning to understand my contribution to the downfall. Yes, he could have fought for me, but it turns out, this breakup was a great thing. I have learned so much about myself and my ability to love. I have amended my view on life and I have a much more realistic understanding of what it means to be in a relationship with someone.

 

However, the fact still remains that, in the deepest part of my heart, I believe that my ex and I are not over for good. There were no serious problems (abuse, incompatibility, constant arguments etc.) that led to the downfall of our relationship. We're merely young people will very little life experience trying to play the part of grownups. We just weren't ready. But he's my person. I know that he's not my only person (I don't believe there is just one mate for all of us), but he's the person I've grown up with. He's the one who helped shape the beginnings of my adult life. We learned from each other in young love and that is a rarity.

 

And so, dear reader, this is my plan to start over with the one I want to be with for life. Yes, he broke up with me, and the conventional belief is that he should be the one chasing me and begging for me back, but I'm not sure I subscribe to those games. However, I do believe that a SIGNIFICANT amount of time must pass in order to assess, with a clear head and open heart, the situation I am in.

 

This plan will take place over the next 6 months. I am going to work to continually improve myself and be the girl he loved from the start. I'm going to practice what I learned in therapy: to build up a strong foundation for my own life with close friends and family and then add to it a lover. I am going to continue to follow my dream of becoming a teacher as well as to travel the world. I will no longer lose myself in my relationship. I am also going to write a book. It's actually something I started a while ago for myself but then decided it might be nice to give it to my ex for our 3 year anniversary (which we almost made it to... two months short). It's filled with memories of our time together and well as quotes and songs and illustrations. But it's more than a diary. It's a reminder that love can change just as easy as the tide, and though it may ebb and flow, that doesn't mean it's gone. Change is good. Change is what forces us to learn and to grow. But change also harbors consistency and throughout the drastic changes that have happened in my life the last four months, I have grown and grown and grown.

 

Once the 6 months has passed it will be August. We will have both graduated from college and will still be living in the same city. We'll be on the brink of adulthood. I don't yet know how it'll happen, but some way or another I'll need to speak with him. I'll tell him all the ways I've changed, tell him that I'd like to learn to love each other again, start a brand new relationship and build upon the foundation we set from the start. I will assure him, as I assure you now, reader, that it might not work. We might just be too different after all of this to find love again. I know quite well it might fail completely... but it could also be the best darn thing that's ever happened.

 

I don't know where it will go from there. I don't know who I'll be in 6 months time or if I'll even want this by then, but if this gut instinct is right, if all he needs is a little time to grow up, then it just might work. And if he says no, I'll finally be forced to cut my losses and move on. I know a part of me will love him forever and while sometimes love is fighting for all you're worth, sometimes it's also letting go. But, for now, I believe in myself, I believe in us and I believe in what we had. I am putting all my faith in the fact that we had a very special relationship for three years and the immense, deep, true love that was formed there is merely covered up, not gone for good.

 

I hope very much that this makes sense and that I don't sound like a crazy, irrational, heartbroken person. I'm trying to be as level-headed as possible, I just can't shake the feeling that this breakup was an ending, but not the end.

[Iamyours]

I feel the same way about my ex and have been feeling crazy. Ive been broken up with before, but in my heart feel like its not over. We even still have a good friendship. Its so nice to know someone else is in the same boat as me. As for you, WELL DONE! I hope things turn out wonderfully for you, and congratulations on working on yourself!

[becomingkate]

But, after a lot of soul-searching and self-reflection, I realized that the only reason he became attracted to someone else was because of my behavior. I was too needy, I pushed our relationship too far too soon and I freaked him out. We had been together for three years, but we're in college and this was his first relationship.

 

It's not your fault that he became attracted to another girl; it was because yours was his first relationship and it went on for almost three years.

 

Have you thought about dating anyone else?

 

If you're all about self improvement, then the best way to learn and grow after a break up is to move on. That's not to say you won't make your way back to each other, it just means not at this time.

 

I hope very much that this makes sense and that I don't sound like a crazy, irrational, heartbroken person.

 

You do sound quite young, or inexperienced, but I don't mean that in a bad way. It just seems like you're hanging on a long time for a guy that went on to another girl - he's not worth your time right now. He might be if he matures some, just not right now.

[EgoJoe]

This is a bad idea OP. You are not going to enjoy following this path and your heart will break many times over.

[Teebz]

Go for it. Your story is similar to mine. I have let go for now, because my pursuit was hurting me too much. But who knows, maybe some years from now..

If you really feel like your love is/was strong enough, then go for it, work on YOU, be happy and I wish you the best!

[matti]

I will also say that if you truly believe that your relationship isn't completely over, then perhaps it will be completely worth it in the end. You totally have my support.

 

One thing that I said to my ex-gf before we both went NC was that I felt as if "It would be a complete disservice to ourselves and especially, the word "love" itself, if this really is the definite end of our relationship" and that "I truthfully know that we could be something great, if we ever chose to give it another shot".

In response, she concurred and added that "it feels like a total waste".

 

As we all know, there can be no promises or guarantees as to what will happen in the future. However, sometimes you just know.

I wish you the best of luck and I would definitely like to hear/read your outcome in 6 months.

[Javabear]

Thank you for all the positive feedback everyone! I know this process won't be easy, and I'm sure I'll find myself doubting it constantly, but I'll regret it so much more if I don't try. I started working on the book this afternoon and all the memories that have been resurfacing are only serving as a reminder of why I'm doing this. There was love there once, I know that for sure, and I think somewhere that love remains.

 

And to answer the question from a few posts earlier, I have thought about dating people, and honestly if someone asked me I wouldn't say no. But would I consider a relationship right now? No. It wouldn't be fair to the other person when my heart is clearly somewhere else.

[zep]

I don't think the book idea is a good one at all. I'm in the process of reconciling with my ex and trust for this to work you need to start focusing on your life *without* him not focusing on past memories.

[twodegrees]

I support this, not that it matters.

 

I am doing the same thing with my ex. I am on 2 months of LC after a period of about 3 weeks of NC after the BU. The words...slow, patience, discipline, awarness, etc.. come to mind about the getting back together process. She is at the point now that I think she welcomes my contact...she was cold at first. She was a forced dumper though...my situation may be diff.

 

Anyways, good luck. I am also moving on at the same time though. I am dating, flirting with other girls also. Not putting all my eggs in my ex's basket.

 

Be very patient and positive with your ex. For example...my ex doesn't know it, but she uses lots smiley faces when she is happy to talk to me, which is most of the time. There are some instances where she doesn't use them and seems a little cold. What do I do? Back off, give her space, while being positive about it.

 

You can do it! You will also heal as time goes by, even if in contact. In a way, the contact reminds you they are human and knocks them off that damn pedistal!!!

[Boomshine]

 

If you're all about self improvement, then the best way to learn and grow after a break up is to move on. That's not to say you won't make your way back to each other, it just means not at this time.

 

Thank you for bringing this up, Kate. It doesn't get emphasized enough, especially on this sub-forum a lot lately. I feel like a lot of people have abandoned hope, and it's really depressing me. Everyone copes with grief in different ways, and those who carry a bit of hope with them get ran over by the minimalist here-and-now bus.

 

Javabear, if being hopeful keeps your chin held high, then do what you need to do to get this this dark tunnel. Which is sounds like you already have, as well. Your plan seems rational. I don't know if it would work so well in the opposite situation (a guy trying to win a girl back with a book may come off as too needy), but in this situation, you may be able to see the results.

 

Time will definitely be your friend here. Come out at the other end, and do a heavy reassessment of where you are and where this guy stands in your life. If he's not cut out for the job anymore, well I'm sure you'll have been on a few dates by this point.

 

And if he still holds true in your heart, you'll know exactly what you'll need to do when the time is right.

[JohnGalt]

I'm 99 percent sure I want to be back with my ex, but for me it'll happen the old fashioned way. We won't talk for a year or so and somehow we will reconnect. It happens in all my relationships except I never go back. But I'm 3 months in and have been dating and still want her back.

 

Good luck OP. fight for what you want. Just protect urself as well

[Javabear]

I've been thinking a lot about this in the last couple days and now I'm worried... what if waiting 6 months is a bad idea? What if he thinks I've completely moved on and by that time he doesn't want anything to do with me at all? The reason I wanted to wait until the school year is over is because this girl that he had/has a crush on works with him at school and they have to see each other all the time. Even though they're not together (as far as I know) they still talk a lot and I'm sure his feelings haven't gone away completely. I also want to give him the time to have a wild, carefree college experience I think he feels he missed out on by starting to date me at the beginning of our first year. I want to give him a chance to grow up. I'm just not sure I can or should wait so long? Also, he hasn't been communicating with me that much so I'd like to see if he opens up a little. Urgh. Why is this so confusing?

[appies]

I would say you need to just focus on the idea of moving on rather than waiting for him. Like look at it this way, maybe move on for 6 months and give yourself the time to heal and then maybe re-evaluate if you want to pursue him after that healing. Maybe you will want someone else by then.... The fact that you want to wait for him puts you in a position of no power.

[matti]

I agree with appies...

 

You have to understand that if you ever want to get to the point where you and your ex can reconcile, you're going to have to realize that you have to let go, move on and allow yourself to let destiny take it's course. You cannot force it to happen, because you're going to be let down immensely each and every time you attempt to do so, especially at this point.

 

With that said, you're going to have to get yourself to the point where rejection isn't going to affect you as it's affecting you now. You're going to have to do this before you'll ever be in the sort of shape it takes to successfully reconcile. You have to learn to love yourself to the point where you don't need the other person to validate your existence or for them to be in your life to be truly happy. Where you can be single and be sincerely happy, healthy and successful.

 

The first step is letting go and moving on, as much as you don't want to do so. Its a painful step, but realize you're not going to heal until you do so and the faster you get to and pass this milestone, the faster you will heal.

 

Next, you'll begin working on yourself, your confidence/self-esteem, life, health, career, goals, hobbies as well as finding new hobbies, meeting new people, creating healthy habits, suppressing bad-habits, creating new career/school oriented and other positive life-changing goals.

 

Perhaps after you've done all of the above, are truly happy and so on, you can re-initiate contact. However, if this person is affecting your mood, which in turn is affecting the rest of your day, job, parenting and other aspects of life and you're not treating them with respect, understanding, compassion and so on, it's best to go 100% No Contact for a good while (3-6 months at the very least).

 

Just remember, they're definitely not coming back until you go through this entire process and your ex can see that you truthfully changed for the best and it will hopefully inspire them and ultimately invoke that "spark" again. Don't let the past and fear stop you from moving forward if that is what you decide to do when the time comes. Besides, if you did everything correctly, fear won't be an issue.

 

I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I'm in the middle of finding myself right now as well and how I see it, this is only the beginning. I have much work that needs to be done from here on in. I've been NC for about 2 weeks. We were friends on facebook for a while after the BU until I recently removed her so that I'm not constantly reminded of my failed relationship every time I log in. Now I feel that I can successfully move on from here. It feels good to get another chance to completely start over.

 

Take care and once again, good luck!

[appies]

I agree with appies...

 

You have to understand that if you ever want to get to the point where you and your ex can reconcile, you're going to have to realize that you have to let go, move on and allow yourself to let destiny take it's course. You cannot force it to happen, because you're going to be let down immensely each and every time you attempt to do so, especially at this point.

 

!

 

couldn't have said that better myself 10/10. You won't be desirable to your ex if you been holding on and have lingering feelings. Have fun with the present and enjoy discovering yourself. THat is the only way you can even have the slightest chance of reconciling or improving the relationship.

[perennial]

I read your very first introductory post on this thread, went through your plan to get/woo him back by making such efforts. I won't suggest you much as the others readers on this thread did or will be doing after my post. All I wanna say is - I really appreciate your efforts to get him back with all my heart. Doesn't matter if you have doubts about your 'win back design or strategy'. What matters is - Your efforts. Again, I appreciate your efforts. In the end, the hardwork you put in will make you realise if all this was at all fruitful.

My experiences and observations have turned me into a over 50% misogynist, if I can say statistically, but this post has indeed inspired respect in my heart for someone I don't know personally, and that is you.

Take this time as a journey of self exploration, delve deep within and you will find out what a gem of a person you are ! *Trust me! *

Keep updating about any happenings.

Bear hugs, soft kisses, and respect

- Mayank

[Javabear]

Hi Mayank,

 

Thank you very much for your encouragement and your support, I really appreciate it. I have received plenty of negative feedback on some of my other posts on this forum for believing that, even though my ex left me because he liked someone else and handled the situation in an immature way, he is still a good person. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves to be forgiven. Through all the sadness I have faced because of this breakup, I have also found who I am (I was lost for a long time in my relationship) and for that reason alone I will never hate my ex for doing what he did. I do feel in my heart, as I have said before in this thread, that he and I will end up together because of the very special bond we shared for so long, so if this breakup is merely a blip in a lifelong love, I am alright with it. I think in situations like these it is much more important to look at long-term goals rather than short-term sufferings. And, if it turns out we don't end up together, at least I will know that it is not because I didn't try everything in my power to make it work and fight for a love I know was real. Anyway, enough rambling.

 

I regret that you view yourself as 50% misogynistic; I hope you know that not all women are awful. There are bad people in this world, but there are good people as well. men and women alike. Thank you again for your support and your respect. -Michelle

[Ms Darcy]

Your ex broke your heart once with the breakup.

 

You will break your own heart many times with the false hope.

[appies]

You clearly have made up your mind, I too share many of those same feelings you have described. The only reason I suggested moving on was that your ex and you will likely feel a hell of a lot of pressure if you put so much effort into getting him back. I agree that somethings in life are worth fighting for, but not against. Love is like a dance you must move with your partner, but your guys songs have not came on just yet. I sincerely hope you can get back with your ex, but I hope that you can truly heal first.

[jenny_mcs]

I want to give him a chance to grow up. I'm just not sure I can or should wait so long?

 

You're making the mistake of thinking that because he doesn't want the same thing as you (to be in a committed relationship w/ you) that somehow makes him immature and needing to "grow up."

[Javabear]

You're making the mistake of thinking that because he doesn't want the same thing as you (to be in a committed relationship w/ you) that somehow makes him immature and needing to "grow up."

 

The fact that he needs to grow up has nothing to do with not wanting to be with me. It's just a fact. Both of us still have growing up to do. I'm sorry if you misunderstood that.

[perennial]

Its 06.38 am in the morning and I am on my bed, thinking how to select carefully words that could best describe how I feel these days.

I am tired, feel exhausted and frustrated due to this rigmarole of life. Things were not as tensed when I was single, naive as it is now. It is like being handicapped without the person you love the most, who fail to realise how dearly you love him or her. I really don't want you to fail in the end, cz its so sweet of you doing so much to get him back. I hope somehow he gets to read this entire thread, gets to know how much efforts you are putting in getting him back, gets to know how others, who don't even know him, are talking about ou both. Perhaps that would melt his heart and pull him back towards you.

 

Michelle, you are a person good at heart. You are optimistic about things. Lemme tell you something, it is your strong belief in your acts that eliminates the fear of failure. Keep working, 'primarily for your own satisfaction', so that atleast you don't blame yourself not leaving every stone unturned.

 

Even I am heart broken and want freedom from past memories. We are on a trial separation, but the more time passes, the more my mind thinks about the time she hurt me and makes me think if its at all wise to stay. About being turning into a misogynist, blame it on my experience and observation. I know, this is not a good enough excuse, but I agree that there are good girls too.

 

Anyways, don't wanna blow my own trumpet here. Michelle, I wanna say is, I feel light headed after posting my views here and sharing with friends like you, who can feel what I might be going through. I feel good posting here, makes me feel de-stressed. Anyways, thanks to such times, poetry took birth in me. I would love to share with you some of them.

 

Tc Michelle, and yeah, 'Smile' : )

[Javabear]

Although I've been having my doubts with this plan lately, I have decided to carry on because I know I will always wonder "what if" if I don't. I still have four more months to go before any of this can be put into action, and I am thankful that I have time to continue to grow stronger. I drafted the first version of the letter I'd like to give to my ex when I see him. I have always found it easier to say what I want to say in writing so I feel that this is the best way to address everything. I'd love some feedback on this initial draft... and I apologize in advance for the length.

 

Dear ex,

 

I don't really know how to start something like this, so i'm just going to get right to the point: I miss you. I miss you everyday. My life is moving forward and so many things have changed, but missing you remains the same. I have wanted to tell you all of the things you are going to read in this letter for a long time, but I waited until now for a number of reasons.

 

I wanted you to finish you the rest of the school year without having to worry about me. I have come to realize that our relationship robbed you of the wild and carefree college experience that you both wanted and desperately needed. You needed time to find yourself. You needed these years to grow, learn and find yourself, but instead you found me. I will never, ever regret the years we spent together, but part of me will always wish we had met a few years later.

The second reason I waited so long is because I needed to be sure i was doing this because I truly meant it, not because I was sad and lonely. During a very painful and difficult time in my life, I have still been able to find immense joy. I have come to a place where I am truly happy and I know that no matter what happens I will be alright. I had to get to this point before I could say anything to you.

 

I am not the same girl you left a year ago. You walked away from a needy, insecure person who relied on everyone except herself for happiness. You left a girl without her own personal goals and no clear direction. You left a girl who cried too much, called too often and fell apart whenever you walked away. I am not that girl anymore. I lost myself in our relationship. I cared more about holding onto you than i did about figuring out who I am alone. I would have given up everything if it meant being with you--and I see now just how foolish that was. I don't ever want to make this mistake again because as it turns out, I really like the person I have become. I don't ever want to lose her. The worst part is that as I was losing myself over the years, I was dragging you down with me. You played music less, lost touch with your friends and you started losing yourself too. This is the biggest regret I have in my life.

 

The third reason I waited to say all of this is because I wanted to give you a chance to grow. I asked you to grow up for me when we should have grown up together. I rushed a lot of things we should not have rushed. We have our whole lives to be grown-ups. But I was scared, that's why I talked about wedding dresses and diamond rings. My biggest fear in life is being alone. That's why I panicked and fought so hard to keep you from leaving back in September. I was simultaneously losing you and watching my parents' marriage fall apart and I felt like I had to control one of those situations. But I was wrong. I can't control anyone but myself. I should have let you go the first time you asked. I should have trusted you more than I did when you told me all your needed was a little time. There is nothing I can do to fix the past, but please know that I am very, very sorry. It may seem like I have everything together and know exactly what I'm doing, but you have to remember that this was my first real relationship too. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm learning just like you are.

 

Through all the learning and growing I have done, I find there remains one constant: you. I still love you. Despite all the heartbreak and pain. I loved you even when I told myself and everyone else that I didn't. I didn't want to love you after what happened because it hurt too much, but the memories of our three years shine through the pain of this year and they kept the love alive.

 

There are a lot of reasons why our relationship did not work out, but for every way we went wrong, there are two ways we went right, and that is what has given me the hope to continue on... to write this letter.

 

Every instance where we had to act like grown-ups in the adult world, we excelled with flying colors. Eight hours buying furniture in IKEA. All of the trips we've been on. All the nights spent talking about life and the future. We never fought then. We handled the real world with perfection; it was only in the world of school where we fell apart. The problems that tore us apart were the result of our immaturity and inexperience, not because there was something fundamentally wrong or incompatible between the two of us. That is why I have hope. I know that it is too late to save what we had, and I think it's best to leave what is broken in the past, but it's never to late to see what we might have next.

 

I know I'm too tall. I know I'm not blonde. I know I'm demanding and expensive. I know our communication was terrible. I know you felt suffocated. I know we still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I know we don't always see eye to eye. But I also know our love was real. it was the kind of love that people spend their entire lives trying to find, and some never do. I have changed for the better and I hope my actions have shown you so. I hope you can forgive me for the way I behaved. I hope you can trust me and believe in me again. I know I can do the same for you.

 

If, after all of this, you truly believe that our love has run its course, then I must ask you to quietly disappear. Please don't call or text. Please don't check in. I will have to pretend that you don't exist until I have completely moved on. But if there is still a part of you that thinks we might stand a chance and is willing to take a leap of faith to give it a shot, if you are willing to work hard for something great... you know where to find me. I can't promise it will be easy and I can't promise that it will work, but it might just be worth it.

 

Love, me

[loveology]

Javabear ... I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this but I really think that you need to drop this plan. I'm sorry if this post comes accross as harsh, but I think you need to hear it.

 

In your letter, you claim that you have been spending this time working on you and learning to be happy without a relationship, which is great. However, we all know that actions speak louder than words and, I have to tell you that this letter and this "plan" of yours smacks of somebody who is still very desperate and needy. You claim to be happy with yourself and yet you are sitting at your computer writing reconciliation letters and plotting ways to get your ex back six months down the road. Those are not the actions of somebody who is happy with themselves.

 

Also, I really have an issue with the fact that you seem to refuse to believe your ex when he says that he doesn't love you anymore and that he's moved on. You think that he needs to "grow up" but don't you think that it's rather condescending of you to assume that you know his feelings better than he does? I do. If you really love and respect him, you need to take his words at face value. May he someday change his mind and realize that he does love you? Possibly, but it's a waste of your time to sit around hoping. Also, for the record, you need to realize that not wanting a serious relationship at 21/22 years old is not a sign of needing to "grow up". There are plenty of grown up, mature people who don't want to be in serious relationships at such a young age.

 

Regardless, the issue here doesn't seem to be his view of long-term relationships, it's the fact that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. Accept this for your own mental health and happiness. By hanging on to this idea that he just needs to "get it out of his system", you are setting yourself up for a second gigantic heartbreak.

 

It doesn't seem that he's given you any reason to hope for reconciliation. Why do you think this letter is going to change anything?

 

He's broken up with you once, don't make him do it again.

[zep]

I think it's therapeutic for you to write these letters, but I think it's obvious you shouldn't send him this exact one, as you are claiming to have written it after a year apart, in which case you probably should do that. What may not be obvious to you is that writing him this letter will definitely NOT bring him back to you. There is NOTHING attractive about anything that you are saying in the letter.

 

I am re-posting your letter with all the negative parts in bold. All the parts you want him to forget, not remind him of. Talking about what went wrong the first time is something that should happen *in person* once it is decided that you BOTH want to get back together (him AS MUCH as you) than you can go into this stuff. It should definitely not be the focus of one of your first interactions with him! Actually, even the postive parts of this letter are said in a negative way, which I really think you need to change, and think about why you are using so many negative terms and expressing everything this way. I think it's really telling, and it definitely doesn't give off the vibe of a happy person.

 

I think the whole letter thing is a terrible idea because actions speak louder than words, and you'd be waaaaay more attractive if you were just *living your life, being the girl you are claiming to be in this letter* instead of writing it out. But at the very please you must remove all the parts I bolded!!