I still don't get it.

[MattW]

How fun of a person are you to be around, OP?

 

Well, obviously I can't really tell what other people are thinking of me, but I like to think I'm pretty enjoyable to be around. I mean, I'm never the "life of the party", per se, but I'd say I'm enjoyable to be around. Heck, I started opening up a lot more to my coworkers and letting my personality shine through late last summer (mostly because my feelings for that girl had caused me to start being happier and wanting to let my personality out more to everyone), and many of my coworkers have praised me for that and have made it seem like they think I'm pretty cool. Heck, for the last few weeks, due to something that upset me and made me feel pretty bad, I started slipping back into my shell, and at least one of my coworkers took immediate notice and expressed that she didn't want me to go back to the way I used to be.

 

So, I don't really get it. Not sure why people make it out like they like me and think I'm cool, but then don't really want to hang out with me unless it's on their terms.

 

I wrote above that you've been given lots of specific advice. I strongly suggest you read Penelope's specific advice again. And again. Among the best you've received.

 

I'm not disregarding her advice, though, I'm saying that I'm basically already doing that, and it's not getting me any results. I've been doing it for months, and people just don't respond.

[Batya33]

"I'm not disregarding her advice, though, I'm saying that I'm basically already doing that, and it's not getting me any results. I've been doing it for months, and people just don't respond."

 

I don't agree that you're doing all that she advised and your posts confirm that including how you hang back,etc "basically doing that" doesn't cut it. She is right about how much effort it can take -I relocated three years ago to a city where I knew no one (as far as making friends) and it takes a lot of effort even now. And I have all the right "props" meaning a husband, a cute young child, live in the middle of the action (and I use "props" loosely, you know what I mean) -and still, it takes lots of legwork, good follow through, lots of dead ends, etc. But it's worth it, promise.

[solamente]

while it may be easier for some to make friends, it doesn't mean it is easy to keep them. in the long run, if you are the one making most of the effort then it isn't really much of a friendship to begin with. people come and go, mostly they will go because they get married and/or have kids and either aren't interested in having single friends, or they don't want to invest much in friendships anymore.

 

and, just because you are a social butterfly and can conversate with all types of people, does not mean you will meet the man or woman to take you off the market.

 

you can change your hairstyle, your speaking style, your body type, your clothing choices, and none of this will cause your "soulmate" to come running.

 

then, after you have done all of these things, and have still not met anyone ... how will you feel?? it will really, really, really suck.

 

i know.

 

you are happy with who and what you are, and where you are at this point in your life. that is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. period.

 

nothing that **you** do will control when or how you will meet someone with whom you absolutely connect.

 

look around you. there are plenty of imperfect looking and acting people who are in relationships. if perfection were the standard, we would be extinct.

 

peace

[MattW]

"I'm not disregarding her advice, though, I'm saying that I'm basically already doing that, and it's not getting me any results. I've been doing it for months, and people just don't respond."

 

I don't agree that you're doing all that she advised and your posts confirm that including how you hang back,etc "basically doing that" doesn't cut it. She is right about how much effort it can take -I relocated three years ago to a city where I knew no one (as far as making friends) and it takes a lot of effort even now. And I have all the right "props" meaning a husband, a cute young child, live in the middle of the action (and I use "props" loosely, you know what I mean) -and still, it takes lots of legwork, good follow through, lots of dead ends, etc. But it's worth it, promise.

 

I'm not sure what more I can do, though. Like I said, I've been trying to get people to do stuff and hang out with me for months, and it only seems to happen on their terms. It's not like I'm just sitting around waiting for something to happen. I can't even count the amount of times I've brought up ideas to people over the last few months about going somewhere or doing something, and again, I constantly get met with indifference.

 

Another reason I'm resistant to just diving into a group of complete strangers and trying to make friends is, if I can't get people who already know and like me to want to be friends with me and hang out with me, why should I believe I'd have any better luck with complete strangers? I'm trying to start from the bottom and work my way up, in terms of building up a social life. Being that I'm so far behind, with my social skills, that would make the most sense. So, I see "befriending people I already know" as a good first step. Because, again, if people that already know and like me are indifferent about spending time with me, how could I have any better luck with complete strangers? But I just can't seem to make this "first step" happen. Like I said, I don't see it as a lack of effort. I'm trying. I've been reaching out to people, I've been presenting specific things to do or places to go, and everyone is always just indifferent, and the only times I actually get to hang out with them are the few times they invite me out.

[camus154]

want to be friends with me and hang out with me, why should I believe I'd have any better luck with complete strangers?

 

This seems to be your mantra. "I've already tried everything else and that doesn't work, so why should I try something new?"

 

How many times do people have to say this to you, Matt, before it sinks in? Stop making excuses for why you can't try something new because in your mind the odds of it being successful are less than what's already not working. Think about it. What do you have to lose, for God's sake?

 

And--not to cut you down--but perhaps these people don't like you as much as you think they do, if they're not making any real effort to hang out with you. That's not to say that they don't like you, per se, but obviously they're not your best friends. So maybe it's worth "risking" the odds of getting involved in other social circles.

 

But I just can't seem to make this "first step" happen. Like I said, I don't see it as a lack of effort. I'm trying. I've been reaching out to people, I've been presenting specific things to do or places to go, and everyone is always just indifferent, and the only times I actually get to hang out with them are the few times they invite me out.

 

How often do you outright invite people out yourself? Not "suggesting" ideas, but actually inviting them?

[EssexMan]

I can't even count the amount of times I've brought up ideas to people over the last few months about going somewhere or doing something, and again, I constantly get met with indifference.

 

So either:

 

- You are asking the wrong people (they just don't want to hang out with you, full stop, but that doesn't seem entirely likely since they do ask you now and again)

 

or

 

- You are asking them to do the wrong things (they're not into the activities you have suggested)

 

or

 

- You are asking them in the wrong way (maybe you're asking so often that it's starting to sound needy).

 

The only times I actually get to hang out with them are the few times they invite me out.

 

So what's the difference between the times you ask, and the times they ask? Maybe that will reveal which of the three alternatives above is true.

 

Are the activities they're suggesting different from the ones you're suggesting?

 

If I can't get people who already know and like me to want to be friends with me and hang out with me, why should I believe I'd have any better luck with complete strangers?

 

Why shouldn't you? Somebody new might like you more than the people who already know you.

 

Plus, to somebody new, you come without baggage or a track record of asking them out and being deflected - which I am thinking may be becoming a little tedious to your co-workers.

[HeatherB]

What's the actual problem/question here? I've read a lot of great suggestions and excuses. But what exact problem are we putting our brainpower towards solving here? We are on page nine of the thread. So I hope the point of it all is clear to someone at this point who can tell me...I hope?

[penelope13]

Moping around that it's difficult - not the most promising strategy to induce change!

 

As for what more you can do: I'm not sure if you caught what I said earlier - randomly asking 'do you want to go to the movies, restaurant etc' is not likely to be successful, since there is no particular PURPOSE to the event. People usually have friends to 'just hang out with'. Thus if you want to make new acquaintances/friends - you need to offer a reason why it's attractive for them to invest time.

 

This is what I did and what helped me. My situation in some ways was more complicated because i moved to different countries, i.e. different cultures and different languages which makes everything even more challenging.

 

- join a club/non-profit organization etc AND get involved in the running of the organization, i.e. ACTIVELY contributing to the society. This will get you noticed in the long run

 

- at work: if there were social events - go, even if it's not your type of thing (I always went to Friday beer hours although I don't drink beer at all! but it's a way to interact with people)

 

if there were no regular events - ORGANIZE/INTRODUCE events such as:

i. once a month after work drinks/snacks with people from work - sell it as a teambuilding effort

ii. organize a 'once a year social event' to get to know people from work with their families and partners - again teambuilding effort.

iii. invite people who are in the same work position for dinner (can be simple) - improving team efficieny.

iv. for regular meetings, suggest once a month (or whatever works in your field) where people bring food from home (cookies, food of their origins etc ...)

v. birthday celebrations. - can be simple from decorating that person's workspace, to going out for lunch together to celebrate.

vi. find other work-related successes/milesstone for the company/group to celebrate.

 

the common theme: don't make it about you - make it about improving work environment. People all want that, but most lack the energy to organize it. Thus YOU organize it. People usually even like to pitch in, as long as someone is taking the lead.

 

And please stop with the excuses - I even organized a dinner party at my new place when I didn't even have furniture in my house yet. Nobody for sure forgot that party nor me after that. Did everybody come? No. Did everybody become my best friend after that? No - but it gave people the opportunity to get to know me (and the other way around), people appreciated the initiative and energy that I had invested. And eventually I made a few fantastic friends as a result of this.

 

Ask yourself: are you walking up to people that you don't know and start involving them in YOUR life? - Probably not unless they made an effort beforehand. So why do you expect people should make the effort to get to know YOU?

[MattW]

This seems to be your mantra. "I've already tried everything else and that doesn't work, so why should I try something new?"

 

How many times do people have to say this to you, Matt, before it sinks in? Stop making excuses for why you can't try something new because in your mind the odds of it being successful are less than what's already not working. Think about it. What do you have to lose, for God's sake?

 

That's not what I'm saying here, though. What I'm saying is more akin to, for example, if I have no work experience, I'm not going to apply for some high-paying position at a company that I obviously don't qualify for. When it comes to socializing, making friends, and building a social circle, I feel I have to start from the bottom and work my way up. I need to start easy enough to allow me to properly start building confidence in my social skills. Attempting to just socialize with random strangers I don't know at all most likely wouldn't help me build that initial confidence I need, in fact, it may set me back even further in that regard. Much like trying to work towards a good career, I'm trying to start off small and easy with people, just to build up experience and social skills. The more experienced I'd get, the more I'd start branching out, meeting new people, and building up more of a social circle. Does that make sense?

 

How often do you outright invite people out yourself? Not "suggesting" ideas, but actually inviting them?

 

For a while, I was trying at least once or twice a week (kinda dependent on my work schedule with other people), but since things haven't been happening at all, I've kinda started slowing it down to once every couple of weeks, or so.

 

So either:

 

- You are asking the wrong people (they just don't want to hang out with you, full stop, but that doesn't seem entirely likely since they do ask you now and again)

 

or

 

- You are asking them to do the wrong things (they're not into the activities you have suggested)

 

or

 

- You are asking them in the wrong way (maybe you're asking so often that it's starting to sound needy).

 

So what's the difference between the times you ask, and the times they ask? Maybe that will reveal which of the three alternatives above is true.

 

Are the activities they're suggesting different from the ones you're suggesting?

 

I try to keep it fairly general, again, like going out to see a movie, get something to eat, go to a bar, etc. Stuff that anyone would normally be interested in, and stuff that most people do with friends often enough. If someone invites me out, they basically say something like "Hey some of us are going here on this day, would you want to come along?" or something along those lines. That's about how I invite people, as well (of course, modified to just me, if I didn't already have a group together that was going).

 

What's the actual problem/question here? I've read a lot of great suggestions and excuses. But what exact problem are we putting our brainpower towards solving here? We are on page nine of the thread. So I hope the point of it all is clear to someone at this point who can tell me...I hope?

 

Eh. The thing is, a number of people on here are so familiar with my posts and my issues, that every time I make a topic about anything, even something simple, it always ends up in a huge discussion about all the issues I have that aren't necessarily directly related to the original topic at hand. I made this topic originally to talk about how I didn't understand the idea of "flirting", and "wooing" a girl, and as you can see, it's exploded into yet another discussion about all the various social and personal issues I have as a person.

[LoveSoDeep]

What? This is what we've been telling you all along!

 

Sometimes the asnwer isn't just try harder at what you are ALREADY doing....sometimes - wait a lot of the time (and I know it's not the easy answer) the answer is TRY SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!

 

Oaky so you don't want to work in retail your whole life...have you ever thought maye the people you work with are okay with working retial forever? That would make them fundamentally different from you and would also make it not so weird if they didn't click with you on a social level. You know what I don't have much luck making friends at work either...I'm new here and they all have work friends already it seems like....so I don't let that get me down I go out and make friend elsewhere. The people you work with have been unresponive for 6 months....I say don't give up completely b/c you do have to work with them but maybe try a different group of people.

[EssexMan]

I'm trying to start off small and easy with people, just to build up experience and social skills. The more experienced I'd get, the more I'd start branching out, meeting new people, and building up more of a social circle.

 

I'm wondering if somehow the way that you are considering people a practice run for a "real" social life in the indeterminate future is coming accross to them.

[HeatherB]

Eh. The thing is, a number of people on here are so familiar with my posts and my issues, that every time I make a topic about anything, even something simple, it always ends up in a huge discussion about all the issues I have that aren't necessarily directly related to the original topic at hand. I made this topic originally to talk about how I didn't understand the idea of "flirting", and "wooing" a girl, and as you can see, it's exploded into yet another discussion about all the various social and personal issues I have as a person.

 

Ah. We do specific weird stuff to show we want to mate. Just like all animals.

[MattW]

I'm wondering if somehow the way that you are considering people a practice run for a "real" social life in the indeterminate future is coming accross to them.

 

Eh. I wouldn't put it like that. I do went to spend more time with the people I know, and I'm not looking at them as "practice" in the sense that I'll dump any of them if/ when something better comes along. All I'm saying is, I need an initial little boost of confidence in my people skills, and if I could become better friends with the people I already know, I think that would give me that initial boost. It's not about using any of them for practice, it's about starting with them and branching out and into their social circles so that I can be friends with their friends, and their friend's friends, and so on.

[camus154]

All I'm saying is, I need an initial little boost of confidence in my people skills, and if I could become better friends with the people I already know, I think that would give me that initial boost. It's not about using any of them for practice, it's about starting with them and branching out and into their social circles so that I can be friends with their friends, and their friend's friends, and so on.

 

Have you tried getting out of your own head long enough to actually have fun, instead of compiling risk assessments for what you might gain or lose with every encounter or new activity?

[blueidealist24]

I think trying a different group of people might work out. For example, I went to two different colleges. At one, I pretty much had no friends and people kind of ignored me, and at the other one I was popular and always invited out to stuff. I think I acted relatively the same at both colleges, the atmospheres were just different and the atmosphere at the one I became popular at was just more fitting to my personality.