Did you ever feel like you weren't told everything of why they left?

[Snow93]

I feel like I wasn't told everything when my ex left. Her reasoning never added up and she acted evasive towards certain subjects. I feel like it's really unfair to not be told the whole story and be kept in the dark. It's far too late to find out now as its been NC for a while. I just seem to have relapsed and feel terrible again and for the first time I'm starting to wonder what was kept from me.

 

I don't know, is not having proper closure/not being told everything a set back in being able to heal? I mean, I don't WANT to know if she slept with someone else while we were together but now I'm left wondering if she did or not and in a way it feels worse. I'll never know for sure now.

[Clio]

I think most Dumpees feel like that. I also think that closure comes from within. No matter what she had told you, you would still have felt the same. Their actions say that they didn't feel that you were the one. They didn't love you enough to stay. That's all you need to know and accept at the end of the day. But it takes time.

[lavenderdove]

I think most exes rarely tell the whole truth of why they are leaving because it would be either painful for you or an unsavory reflection on themselves.

 

"Nice" people try to soften the blow and minimize the effect of the breakup. They don't want to hurt you, so try to be less than honest in order to try to avoid your pain. For example, they may have become bored with and are just not feeling like they have enough interest to stay in the relationship forever. Or they feel the sexual spark is gone or was never strong enough to hold onto you. They don't want to wreck your ego, so they make vague references to it 'not feeling right' or 'not what i want right now' or anything else that avoids having them flail your poor heart and ego on the way out.

 

Or they've done something wrong like cheat. Or they've spied someone new they'd prefer. That makes them look shallow or dishonest, so they don't want to admit to that so they make something else vague up as an excuse to make their exit.

 

Some people are weak and don't want to deal with the emotional fallout from a breakup, so they murmur a few words and run out the back door.

 

Some people strong enough to face the music, but the whole truth is painful so they try to make it better with vague references. So it actually is very common for people to NOT tell the whole truth when exiting, and to be very vague.

 

The point though is that even if you know the whole truth, it wouldn't change anything. They are still gone and no longer with you. So rather than trying to focus on WHY they left, focus on healing and letting go. Whatever their reasons, they are gone, and your task is to heal yourself and prepare yourself to get out and meet someone new.

[Jennifer89]

Yes, my last two boyfriends did this. First was one I was in a long term relationship with, he proposed to me and we planned a wedding, three months before the wedding he told me he just didn't feel like it was right. He said he wasn't happy anymore. I felt like he needed to search for his reason of feeling unhappy, he had a lot going on with sick family members who he is really close to and I think that is why he is (still) unhappy, 7 months later. I suspected a lot just like you, while we were together he kept getting texts from a girl he had on two dates with before she left town years before, I told him the texts made me uncomfortable and he promised that he never replyed. Btw, we shared one cell so I wasn't snooping! Well after we broke up he casualy mentioned he was texting with her again. It really made me wonder.

 

It was really difficult to move on and I still find myself angry at him. I struggled and came up with all sorts of ways that his feeling were my fault. The truth is they are not, sure I'm not perfect, who is? But I did everything I could and he was like a closer book, he didn't want to talk about his family (much) so there was no way for him to process his feelings. He didn't want to go on dates or anything that would make him happy, I knew his family was sick so I didn't press it, but not spending as much time together really hurt my feelings and made me really clingy. I kept asking him "how am I suppose to move on when I don't know what I'm moving on from?" He had no answer. He really hurt me.

 

I have finally come to realize that he left me bc he couldn't handle his life in the moment, he could have found ways to handle it (I offered to pay for therapy) but instead he increased his drinking.

 

The 2nd guy I only dated for 4 months. He broke it off with me bc he said he didn't feel like he was falling in love. He never really put a lot of effert into our relationship and I think he just wasn't really ready to date after his ex. We were only together for four months so I don't feel very hurt by this, but I do hope to meet a guy next time who wants to work through issues and spend time and effert on a relationship.

 

 

Good luck in moving on!

[Mike H]

I feel like I wasn't told everything when my ex left. Her reasoning never added up and she acted evasive towards certain subjects. I feel like it's really unfair to not be told the whole story and be kept in the dark. It's far too late to find out now as its been NC for a while. I just seem to have relapsed and feel terrible again and for the first time I'm starting to wonder what was kept from me.

 

I don't know, is not having proper closure/not being told everything a set back in being able to heal? I mean, I don't WANT to know if she slept with someone else while we were together but now I'm left wondering if she did or not and in a way it feels worse. I'll never know for sure now.

 

I feel exactly the same. Her responses seemed very vague and rehearsed even though she swore that she was being truthful. The way it ended so quickly makes me think something happened the last time she spent the night but that is probably just my mind over-thinking the situation as usual. And it was almost a week where i was starting to notice her her becoming distant so it's was most likely something else or she was actually telling the truth. I know this, but it still doesnt stop me from thinking otherwise and it sucks.

 

How long have you been NC for now?

[Snow93]

Thanks for the replies, yeah I thought she'd view it like that. Kind if like she's protecting my feelings, I dunno though. I told her I wanted the truth and lies would only hurt more. I don't want to look back on my first serious relationship and be unaware I'm reflecting on lies.

 

I think the most likely thing is she's protecting her self image like you said, to avoid being seen as shallow. Really that's what it is though, she couldn't wait for me and instead took the instant gratification route so she could hook up with anyone with no consequences. She went from being committed to wanting meaningless flings and didn't care she hurt me in the process. I'd stake my life she broke up with me how she did to protect her ego.

 

Sorry to hear you guys can relate, Jennifer and Mike. I know just what you mean about the anger towards them and especially the clinginess. She used to be really clingy with me and I loved it. I admit we used to be one of those sappy couples, really clingy to the other until one day she just changed. She became closed off and cold. So I'd stay clingy and hope I'd get the "old" her back but she never did go back to normal. I still don't know what happened to influence her like that. I've been NC with her a while. There was a brief conversation at Christmas (she initiated) but not including that I'd say 2 months? Okay, comparatively to most that's not that long I guess. My BU only happened at the end of November though.

[6220MJ]

I was in the same situation, I was told stuff like "I thought you were the one", "I will always love you", "If we are meant to be then we will be together", "Who knows what could happen in 10 years time". This I guess was meant to be what she thought I wanted to hear, saying all this whilst I know she's with a new partner.

 

I would have preferred the "I just dont want to be with you any longer, I want you to move on and find someone new, there is never going to be an us again". But it never happened and then the meetings to talk, never happened even though she wanted to talk. The only person who can look out for you and your feelings is yourself buddy.

 

You've been in NC a while as you say, you'd only be getting answers at the expense of hurting yourself again, and the answers are invalid now. Stay strong mate.

[Mike H]

Maybe she got sick of the clingyness between the 2 of you and wanted a bit more space? Then when you continued to be clingy it made her leave? Just a thought though mate. Like with my situation, i wouldnt have said i was being clingy, i tried to give her the same amount of attention she gave me. But when things changed, worry set in. Normally i would have either woke up to a txt from her or she would txt later on telling me about her day and basically wanting to talk, so when that stopped i felt like i was the one who needed to contact her to see how she was doing etc. Her txts at the start of and during the relationship were pages long, then it went to just being a few short sentences. It got to the point where if i went a day or so without hearing from her i would type a message and then be in two minds of whether or not to send it but as more time would pass i couldnt help it as i thought something was wrong, and i was right.

 

2 months is a long time when you feel this way. It's only been nearly a month for me and i feel a little stupid since we were only together 3 months.

[mybunnyslipperz]

After being with my ex for 8 years and even moving clear accross the country with him in support of him and his job endeavors, one day he decided "its just not working out anymore..." and picked up his bag and left. That was the ONLY explanation I received after sharing my life with this guy for 8 years! Even to this day, nearly 5 1/2 years later, I still have no more of a concrete reason as to why he felt that way or what really happened. Sure, I assumed that he had found someone else, but I never knew for sure.

 

I was heartbroken in the worst of ways, as I truly loved him with every fiber of my being. I thought that he was going to be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. Without any idea of why he truly left and without the closure of a reason - ANY reason - I had a very difficult time with the process of healing and moving on. It took me a good 3 years to heal and even today I'm not sure I'm completely healed. I never really experienced the "anger" stage of healing, as I never really had anything to be ANGRY about. I had no info. I think that had a lot to do with the length of time it took for me to heal. The anger stage is a very important part of healing after a breakup and I was never really able to partake in that stage. How could I be angry with the person I had loved so deeply if it just wasn't working for them anymore? After all, you can't tell your heart who to love...

 

I think if he had been a little more forthcoming with information - instead of leaving me completely in the dark after sharing 8 years together - then I would have had something to be angry about and I would have been able to accept the reality of the situation and move through the process of healing a lot faster. I had to come to terms with the fact that for whatever reason he left, I was never going to know why. I realized that when he was dating other people and talking about past relationships with these new potential partners, that he would tell them and THEY would know why our 8 year relationship ended and I would never have that info. Its a hard pill to swallow.

 

I am happy to report that after a very long road - many LONG nights here on ENA - and with the acceptance that I was in charge of my own closure/healing, I have moved on and have even been open to the prospect of loving someone again and being vulnerable enough with them to potentially get my heart broken.

[Snow93]

Yup, I was told exactly the same things "In the future maybe, we just need time apart to grow" all of that bs. Definitely, getting it straiight is better in the long run I think, doesn't matter if it hurts more at the time. It'll help in the long run, because now a part of me holds on to a twisted hope that there's a spark there.

You got it, I have to rely on myself, I think I got too comfortable with another person to support me that I lost sight of my "single" self for a bit. I'm working on getting that back. Cheers man, I'll do my best!

 

 

 

It's possible. It wasn't like a possessive clinginess or anything, it was similar to what you're describing, waking up to texts and things. It slowly began to fizzle out on her end. It was long distance so it was really all we had. At the start that's what made us more clingy I guess, because we wanted to feel that much closer. When we were in person together we were really happy but it wasn't the same sort of clinginess. I think it was the distance that made us so "bad" as far as it was concerned. I tried toning myself down to meet her at the same level of "clinginess" too but she took that even worse. It honestly felt like a no-win situation.

 

 

 

Oh that sounds pretty bad I guess it really shows it doesn't matter how long you're involved with or love the person they can still just turn around and do that...I'm really sorry to hear that. It's great to hear you got through it though and were able to prove your strength, your sig is really true.

[Ms Darcy]

I do not want to hurt anyone but I think this thread shows why exes lie to us. Because we cannot and will not accept the truth. Life stress plays less of a role than feeling genuine attraction. If a guy feels like you are the one ... he is not going to leave. And if that feeling does not come naturally ... he cannot force it. But nobody is going to say ... hey, I want a hotter girl or or I want a guy who is not as sarcastic. At that point they are done so they do not want to hurt us or to give us the false hope that we can change their minds.

[ReturnToSender]

My ex left me for someone else I didn't know it at the time, and when he broke up with me he was telling me how I changed, how I stopped caring, how I used him for many things, how I was too busy for him... True I was a little busy but it was because I had finals and I had family visit that I haven't seen in years and they we're only staying for a month so naturally I wanted to spend time with them. I didn't invite him to every event cause I wanted to also get some quality time with them, but its not like he didn't go out with us at all, and I did spend one on one time with him. Just less than we would normally but it was only for one month. So as he was telling me all this (over the phone I might add) I listened and when he said we should break up I said ok and let him go. I didn't fight for him or cry and after the things he was saying I felt it was best he just go since I was making him so unhappy after 4 years together.

 

A month later he called me and left me a very mean voicemail yelling how dare I not fight for him? How could I just let him walk away and things of the nature.

 

I never called back or said anything

 

Sometime after that I bumped into his brother and we chatted for a few (we always had a good relationship) and he told me that the reason he left was because he went back to his ex girlfriend who he had two kids with.

 

He did try to come back to me but I never took him back I was so over it and its funny when he came back he was still lying saying that he was lost and needed to clear his head and now he has his priorities straight... haha I had a good laugh about that.