How to get my husband more involved financially

[hers]

I handle the finances in terms of making sure the bills are paid and such. 100% of the finances are combined. I've always told him I don't mind handling the finances but do not ever want him to ostracize himself about what's going on. So he knows my full system, all passwords and websites for the bills, etc. he can spout it all off like I can. However, he never knows how much is in what account and everything.

 

So like today I told him about my raise and good work news and he said oh well lets celebrate good news and go to dinner. I told him we don't have enough in our spending account to do that. He said "how! We had like x$ in there last week!" Yea, well, some things had to be bought. And that was like a week ago when I told him what we had.

 

He does not watch the accounts. He's certainly not spend happy (of the two of us I'm the spend happy one). His excuse is he can't get the bank apps on his phone. Well, I have no idea why but they are on the tablet and he's on that every day and can certainly check the accounts. Not to mention our link removed account shows everything too.

 

How do I get him more involved? I hate his reaction when I tell him we don't have the money to do something. Like he's irritated bc we should have more. Well, after savings and bills and everything, we have to budget for the rest of the money. We watch our spending and are thrifty in a lot of places but we don't have loads in there.

 

This isn't a thread about how to save money and tips on savings. I want to know how to get him more involved in the finances bc at this point simply requesting his presence in it isn't doing it. And no I won't turn it all over to him bc I like doing it and feel better doing it. I just don't want it to be one-sided.

[journeynow]

Have a combined account for paying the regular household bills (which you manage if you both agree), and then each of you have separate accounts for discretionary funds, your own vehicles, interests, entertainment. You each get to control your own discretionary funds, even if you both benefit. (And if you both benefit, you might both contribute to the item or event, or one might chose to treat the other.)

[annie24]

gosh, this is going to sound like a weekly work meeting, but can you two agree to look together at the accounts once a week? maybe after dinner on a wednesday night or whatever? or a sunday night? just review the finances, even for 5 minutes.

 

do you have any of those apps that show graphs of your account usage? that might help him.

 

i dunno - i'm so much like your hubby, lol. i always think there is more in my account than there is, because i forget, oh yeah, i paid for dry cleaning, and then i got a bottle of wine, and then i had to pay for a prescription, etc.... those little things here and there that add up....

[hers]

We have an account for savings, an account for discretionary spending (including gas and groceries), and an account solely for bills. We each get x$ out of discretionary funds each paycheck (every 2 weeks) for our own discretionary funds (to pay for time out with friends, lunch during the week, fun stuff apart from each other, etc).

 

So we have plenty of money for fun stuff with no issue. But it gets drained after all of that gets paid. Which is fine. But he doesn't get that. He can't fathom that $150 left in an account for 2 weeks won't buy random stuff every day bc we have to budget.

[Fudgie]

What if you gave him some responsibility? Like, have him "in control" of a couple bills. Reind him day of that he needs to pay those bills today.

 

I agree, he needs to get more involved. It's one thing if he lets you do it all but it's another when he lets you and then gets upset because he doesn't understand budgeting.

 

Like you, I do most of the bills. My boyfriend pays all of the rent himself. He is very money conscious as a result because that's his responsibility.

[hers]

I put him in charge of all of the stuff regarding the house so like anything insurance, if the mortgage is sold, etc. but actually paying bills he doesn't have any responsibility. Most of them get paid automatically and one we actually we have to go pay.

 

He forgets if I don't remind them and then get annoyed if I do bc he thinks I'm nagging.

 

Lose lose.

[camus154]

You're going to get mad at me for asking this, but--is there anything about your marriage you ARE happy with?

 

Bear in mind I'm not saying this just because of your previous threads but because it seems like you need to vent about him rather than simply getting him to be more engaged.

[hers]

Ok really, this thread is not showing anything I'm unhappy about. Please don't use my previous threads to delve so deeply in my life bc you certainly don't see the whole picture.

 

This is far from a vent thread. We aren't fighting abou it, we are upset with each other. I asked him today again to please be more involved financially and that was it. So where are you getting this is another vent thread or I am complaining about my husband?

[OptomisticGirl]

Tell him he can access the accounts via the web on his phone - my bank has an app but I simply just use the web when I need to check it.

 

this is probably going to be a case of he will never be involved. The only reason I'm doing all the bill paying right now is because, well, I'm the only one here to do it. While I'll do it (like now) since it has to get done when L gets here I'm handing it all over to him. That being said, he needs to be more involved in knowing how much money you guys have, or at least working on not being surprised when he hasn't checked it in a week and there is less money than there was... a week ago.

 

Maybe make a fun game out of it? Randomly ask him a few nights a week what the bank balance is and if he gets it right he gets to pick the next movie you to go or he gets to pick whats for dinner or he gets a blow job... I don't know.

[camus154]

I hate his reaction when I tell him we don't have the money to do something. Like he's irritated bc we should have more.

 

I put him in charge of all of the stuff regarding the house so like anything insurance, if the mortgage is sold, etc. but actually paying bills he doesn't have any responsibility. Most of them get paid automatically and one we actually we have to go pay.

 

He forgets if I don't remind them and then get annoyed if I do bc he thinks I'm nagging.

 

Lose lose.

 

That's why. People are giving you suggestions and you're responding with how that doesn't work, he doesn't actually do it, or how you lose either way.

 

Your bigger frustration seems to be his ignorance of where your finances stand rather than him actually sharing in the financial responsibilities. And regarding that, I think you just need to accept it for what it is and not let his reactions get to you. You seem to prefer handling the finances yourself and don't trust him to be able to handle it on his own. So I don't see much point in trying to get him to be more aware of it, honestly.

[Fudgie]

hers,

 

I would stop paying bills automatically. Like, I COULD pay most bills automatically. I've saved up over 2k so that is my safety net and I will never overdraw. The reason why I don't is because I like the extra control and I like doing it myself.

 

I suggest maybe taking off a few bills off the auto pay and have him pay those on his own.

 

Maybe try to remind him with a note? N and I write reminders on this whiteboard on our fridge.

 

Would that work?

[hers]

Ok I wasn't shooting any ideas down. I'm simply saying what's happened before. But if you want to pick apart everything I say, fine. It's good to know after 6 years almost of being onthis board, I can't post any thread about anything without people thinking they know the entire story of everything all the time. So thanks.

[hers]

hers,

 

I would stop paying bills automatically. Like, I COULD pay most bills automatically. I've saved up over 2k so that is my safety net and I will never overdraw. The reason why I don't is because I like the extra control and I like doing it myself.

 

I suggest maybe taking off a few bills off the auto pay and have him pay those on his own.

 

Maybe try to remind him with a note? N and I write reminders on this whiteboard on our fridge.

 

Would that work?

 

We have a dry erase board we use to write bills on so that could work.

 

I do talk with him about it every day. Like last night I said make sure not to use x account bc we have very little money in there and he said fine. And then today he said let's to out to eat. It old him what I said last night and he had that reaction. So I'm not sure if he just isn't listening or what but I think just trying to talk to him isn't working.

[annie24]

I vote no to taking things off autopay. too easy to forget. and there's no point in nagging him.

 

the other way to look at things is to just accept that he's not that interested in the nitty gritty details of the finances, so you just handle those. things don't always have to be 50/50. if he wants to know why there isn't enough money for dinner, just show him the graphs of your finances and there you go.

[journeynow]

We have an account for savings, an account for discretionary spending (including gas and groceries), and an account solely for bills. We each get x$ out of discretionary funds each paycheck (every 2 weeks) for our own discretionary funds (to pay for time out with friends, lunch during the week, fun stuff apart from each other, etc).

 

So we have plenty of money for fun stuff with no issue. But it gets drained after all of that gets paid. Which is fine. But he doesn't get that. He can't fathom that $150 left in an account for 2 weeks won't buy random stuff every day bc we have to budget.

 

I suggested a different set up, though. You each control your own account, as long as the joint bill account is covered by both of you, neither of you has a reason to complain about what happens to the discretionary.

 

It's possible to be involved and in control of an account, and still be surprised at how quickly it goes. Have 2 accounts for discretionary spending, His and Hers. Discretionary choices do not have to be mutual.

 

And if he doesn't keep a close eye on his discretionary account, he'll learn the hard way, or just have a different style than yours. As long as the joint account gets covered by both of you, that's ok.

[annie24]

And then today he said let's to out to eat. It old him what I said last night and he had that reaction. So I'm not sure if he just isn't listening or what but I think just trying to talk to him isn't working.

 

not to get political (we discourage it here!) but maybe there is a part of him that is thinking, "Hey - we are two working adults, full time jobs, no children, how do we NOT have enough money to go out to eat on a whim?" of course, people have all sorts of expenses, but it can really suck when there are two people working full time jobs, no major debt, and there still isn't enough money for the little luxuries in life.

[penelope13]

as a couple you have found a way how to make your budget work - that is the important part.

 

asking him to be "more in the know" although he can rely on you for that is somewhere on the same level as if he would ask you to "be more extrovert" - it's part of your personalities and just something you have to accept in each other.

 

you either have to give him an active part in taking care of the bills, but if you prefer taking care of it yourself then there is no real 'need' for him to be as up-to-date about the numbers as you, i.e. in some ways it seems like unnecessary in terms of making sure that the budget is upheld.

[hers]

not to get political (we discourage it here!) but maybe there is a part of him that is thinking, "Hey - we are two working adults, full time jobs, no children, how do we NOT have enough money to go out to eat on a whim?" of course, people have all sorts of expenses, but it can really suck when there are two people working full time jobs, no major debt, and there still isn't enough money for the little luxuries in life.

 

 

Actually he says just that!

 

The thing is we budget for everything. So that's why we don't have the discretionary funds like you would think. Like budgeting for dog expenses or hair cuts or oil changes. We have to plan for some of that stuff. It's not a big deal per paycheck but we aren't both gonna go get oil changes and hair cuts and take the dog the groomer all on the same paycheck, ya know? Gotta spread it out.

 

Maybe others CAN do that but we haven't figured out how to haha

[camus154]

as a couple you have found a way how to make your budget work - that is the important part.

 

asking him to be "more in the know" although he can rely on you for that is somewhere on the same level as if he would ask you to "be more extrovert" - it's part of your personalities and just something you have to accept in each other.

 

you either have to give him an active part in taking care of the bills, but if you prefer taking care of it yourself then there is no real 'need' for him to be as up-to-date about the numbers as you, i.e. in some ways it seems like unnecessary in terms of making sure that the budget is upheld.

 

This is the crux of it, I think.

[Fudgie]

I think he needs to understand that you both have big expenses. You guys have a house now. You have dogs. You have debt.

 

It's different. N and I make way less than you do but we have more disposable income because of our lifestyle and where we live.

 

I like journeynow idea.

 

I still think stopping autopay can be good but only if you are not the type to forget.

[OptomisticGirl]

Is there any room in the budget to set aside a little each month (or each pay check) into an account only for 'whim' things? Don't touch it like you would savings but try to work it into the current budget that way when he says something like that you guys do have the money.

[hers]

Since I was traveling this last week, I forgot to pay one of the bills that wasn't automatic. Whoops. I paid it as soon as I remembered but still.

 

So yea no go on the no automatic withdrawal haha

 

Jared has no idea that that happened and I forgot until just now. So yea neither of us is perfect but that just further reiterates that I can't do it all alone sometimes and we need to have each others backs. I thought that before I forgot though, btw

[hers]

Is there any room in the budget to set aside a little each month (or each pay check) into an account only for 'whim' things? Don't touch it like you would savings but try to work it into the current budget that way when he says something like that you guys do have the money.

 

 

 

Yea we do have an account for that. It gets $50 every 2 weeks for that sort of thing but we quanitfy them as needs. So like a trip to the vet or if we get too close to over drafting. If that makes sense.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yea we do have an account for that. It gets $50 every 2 weeks for that sort of thing but we quanitfy them as needs. So like a trip to the vet or if we get too close to over drafting. If that makes sense.

 

Perhaps put just a little bit more in it and only use that extra for on the whim things? And let Jared be in charge of that account in keeping up with the balance (toward the whim items).

[HeatherB]

Just keep him updated on how much is available for fun stuff so he isn't surprised. That way he can plan fun and surprises for both of you without you having to come accross like a killjoy. If he doesn't have much talent for financial stuff, don't try to make that his responsibility. Division of labor according to strengths is a major advantage of being married.