Number of previous partners

[mattg]

Hi I'm new here and decided to come on and post as this has been playing on my mind for a while now. I hope it is in the right place.

 

I'm 27 and my OH is 25. We have been together for 3 years now and we are very happy. The thing is when we first got together we had the conversation about how many past partners we had been with. I had only been with 2 others before her, both long term, and all she would say was she needed her toes to count. I tried to get a more accurate answer but she wouldn't say any more so I left it and assumed it was somewhere between 11 and 20 and probably nearer 20 than 11 for her not to say any more. I thought this was quite a lot given she was 22 at the time but didn't have any issues.

 

Recently we were watching the film 'whats your number' and I made a comment about whether I was her number 20 and was that why she was still with me (not in a nasty way just fun). She replied with 'I wish you were' then went quiet. To cut a long story short aftr I asked a few more times she admitted that she wasn't exactly sure how many others there were but that it is probably in 'the high 30s'.

 

She assures me that there have been no others since we have been together and that although she might have misled me she didnt lie when we first got together.

 

Like I say though it is playing on my mind and losing me sleep. High 30s seems a lot to me, is it? I'm also upset about being misled. She said she didnt want to scare me off after I'd said 2, which makes sense I guess. But not really sure what to do, accept it and forget about it or tell her how I feel.

 

Sorry for going on but any advice from others?

 

Matt

[jordesse]

Accept it and forget it. Let me assure you, the numbers mean nothing and sex with a loving partner means everything to a woman.

[pippy longstocking]

Hi matt

 

if you had come on prior to asking her I would have strongly advised you to leave well alone . It is a mixed bag on here and

when ever this comes up there are many opinions. But here is mine.

 

It doesn't matter what someone did before you , it is their history , so why make it yours ...

 

as long as her sexual health is 100% why let this be an isuue , she isn't sleeping about now she is with you and if your happy then why feed yourself this misery over something that cannot be changed.

[mattg]

Accept it and forget it.

 

 

Hi thanks for the reply.

 

That's the answer I keep coming to, but then the question always follows 'high 30s by 22, should I be worried?'

[pippy longstocking]

Hi thanks for the reply.

 

That's the answer I keep coming to, but then the question always follows 'high 30s by 22, should I be worried?'

 

worried about what

 

std's etc ...yes thats fair enough

 

but nothing else to worry about... she liked a shag ....clearly

[mattg]

Thanks Shooting Star. Believe me there are times when I wish I had left it alone. Part of the problem is it is not something I can talk to peiple I know about. So hoping for some useful advice here.

[mattg]

worried about what

 

std's etc ...yes thats fair enough

 

but nothing else to worry about... she liked a shag ....clearly

 

Well partly wherether she will stick around or if it means she might get bored more easy and want a change.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm curious to know, why after three years of being together is this now coming up? As with anyone, she has a past, and turning that into a numbers game serves no one in the long term.

 

In all fairness towards her, you did know this from the very start, yet you decided to stay with her, and add yourself to the list, as well. No offense intended.

[leftme]

She's stuck around for 3 years... That's not bored easily.

 

Sexually active from lets say 15. Shagged 40 between 15 and 22. that's 40/7 = 5.7 people per year. That's 1 person per 2 months. She's gone from that to 1 person per 3 years... Just let it go dude.

[jordesse]

No you shouldn't be worried. Look, I have been there. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 2 years when I was 17. When I turned 18, we broke up. I felt like an escaped prisoner after being with a control freak for so long, I went a bit wild and had 15 one night stands and 5 mini relationships of about 3 months each.

I know this sounds like a lot, but I was testing boundaries and learning. I then settled down and got married at 21. I was faithful to my husband for 16 years before we divorced. We were too young when we got married and ended up best friends/room mates instead of lovers. The divorce was due to us growing up to be different people, it had nothing to do with sex. Once I was divorced I again went on a bit of a binge and had a bunch of one night stands and some more mini relationships so my total number is now 40. I have been with my current partner for nearly 7 years and been fully faithful and have no intentions of ever being unfaithful.

The numbers mean nothing and you shouldn't be worried. Some women, like me, can view sex as purely physical, without emotional attachment. But that doesn't mean I can't be emotionally attached to my partner through sex. The best sex of my life has been with my current partner and because I love him so much. The high numbers for me were about testing boundaries, learning what I liked and basically, being free to do what I liked. I'm sure your girlfriend is a strong, independent woman who isn't afraid of her sexuality. There are some positives about her number.

[mattg]

Jordesse - thanks for that post and for sharing information that you didnt have to. It helps though. If you can see it in that way then hopefully she is of that opinion. I wasnt meaning offence by my comments of high 30s is a lot and by the sounds of it you were a bit older than 22 in any caae, so please dont take any offence

[pippy longstocking]

I don't know if the other 40 + ( it just took me ten minutes to find the plus key ) posters would agree with me , but I have found it becomes less important ..it is expected in a way I guess , it is not even talked about between ourselves as friends ...

 

as for her not been with you out of boredom , well that's your insecurity and only you can rationalise it , you could turn it around and say if she had no experience would she leave you so she could enjoy single life , don't make your own glass half empty , honestly it's not worth the hell your putting yourself through ..enjoy her enjoy your relationship ...

[jordesse]

No offence taken. When I was 21, my number was 22. It got to 30+ by the time I was 35. But that was only counting actual penetrative sex. I reckon I have made out with around 500 guys lol lol I was pretty good at the pash and dash lol

 

Sex will never get boring if you love the person.

[mattg]

Can I just ask 1 thing? Does your OH know about your past?

[mattg]

She's stuck around for 3 years... That's not bored easily.

 

Sexually active from lets say 15. Shagged 40 between 15 and 22. that's 40/7 = 5.7 people per year. That's 1 person per 2 months. She's gone from that to 1 person per 3 years... Just let it go dude.

 

I've done the maths and when you add in a couple of longer term relationships it becomes more than 6 per year.

[jordesse]

Yes Matt, he does know but he also has a very high number, higher then mine. My ex husband lost his virginity to me so he was in the same boat as you are now. He struggled a bit in the beginning with it but he knew I was faithful and committed so it ceased being an issue by the time we were married.

[Junetheman88]

. At her rate I've probably been with her lmao Jk what's going on

[Cognitive_Canine]

I've heard plenty of stories of young people breaking up because they are too sexually inexperienced/only been with each other and "wanting to see what else was out there".

 

I don't think I've heard of people who've been around the block wanting to leave a 3 year relationship to see what else is out there.

[buddha55]

I'm the same as your gf and jordesse... Worries my bf sometimes too but I'm faithful. I could easily turn around and say "well im experienced, you far much less.... Maybe you will want to see what else is out there and could leave me/cheat on me!"

 

But I don't even want to start that little hypothetical insecure scenario.

 

It might bother you, but try to let it be.

[catfeeder]

First off, this is not a wise conversation to have. You've found out why. So the best you can do now is decide whether you love this woman enough to avoid destroying your feelings for her by ruminating about it.

 

When I was young I racked up the numbers, and if asked what I was thinking, I'd honestly have to say--not much. I didn't even develop a conscience until around age 30, but when I did, it really mattered because it was self taught. I didn't follow rote rules of society, so finding my private compass was an important accomplishment for me. By the time I had my head on straight, I was solid, and I knew empathy for young, sexually active women that I could not have developed had I played by the rules.

 

Head high, and Respect Thy Girlfriend.

[Elaine Marley]

Google retroactive jealousy. Good luck.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think you should worry. Sounds like she's committed to you and not into sleeping around anymore. Anyone can ditch a relationship or be unfaithful, whether they've had 0 other sexual partners or 30.

[greywolf]

Nothing counts before the age of 22.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you shouldn't have asked.

[Elektra22]

Unless she's a former porn star I wouldn't worry about it she's with you now that's all that should matter.