It has been almost a year. I never thought this would be me.

[SingleAgain33]

A new year. A new beginning. Mostly I am loving the idea of a fresh slate, probably because it allows me to leave the past...well, in the past. These holidays have been really hard for me. Yeah, I know what you are thinking another rant from a single girl in her 30's who thinks the holidays are torture because she doesn't have a man, but that's not it. Well, not exactly.

The holidays always cause me to reflect and think back to what I was doing this time last year. Well, I spent last New Year's Eve crying and alone. Here is the funny thing- I was in a long-term relationship at the time. On December 30, 2011 into the early hours of NYE, I was seriously questioning if I would be alive when the sun came up.

I had been lying in bed with C and asked him if he still had the receipt for the boots he had bought me for Christmas. He asked angrily, "Why?". I told him that one of the boots was so tight that it hurt to walk. He refuted that that was the size I had tried on in a store and that pair fit. "That was the display pair. They were probably stretched out." Next thing I know, I get a big blow to my back and was pushed out of bed and landed on my knees on the hardwood floor. I was in complete shock! Of course, I crying hard and didn't see him come around the bed. I think I had started to get up although I know he grabbed me and threw me backwards into his closet. I went flying in the air and broke both of his closet doors with my hip and back. I stood up to defend myself and because I was blinded by tears, I think I hit his shoulder. He then grabbed me by my arms and pushed me down on the bed. I was screaming that I was going to the cops. He just dug his fingers deeper and deeper into my arms, pushing me harder and harder into the mattress. He saw me spot my wallet and car keys on his desk. He jumped for them and threw them over the deck attached to his room. They landed in an alley that I had no access to. He held me back down on the bed and told me to go to sleep. I had no idea who this man was. His voice was different. Obviously these actions were a far cry from the guy who put a pretty good act as being the perfect boyfriend. "The nice guy." "So sweet." "You better not break his heart."

He eventually fell asleep. I thought about escaping but where was I going to go with no money or car at 3 in the morning? I didn't speak to him for a few days. He repeatedly told me how ashamed he was. I now realize that he never actually apologized for hurting me. I took pictures of the HUGE bruises on my back, butt, hip and arms. I sent them to him, but again didn't quite get the feeling that he was sorry. I have now learned that that is a typical tactic of an abuser. They act like what happened wasn't a big deal, so you start thinking it wasn't a big deal. You start doubting yourself? We're things as bad as I thought? Here is this man who I have been with for two years and have been seriously talking about marriage. He does all this overtime for my ring. Everyone tells me how lucky I am because he is so sweet and doting. He is my Prince Charming. He is attractive, soft-spoken, intelligent,well-cultured, employed as a doctor, makes me laugh, opens the car door for me, and makes me dinner every night. He couldn't have done this? He isn't capable of doing something really bad to me, right?

And so, with very little talk about the event- I went back to him. How could I let a man I loved and thought I was going to marry go after one silly little event? Well, guess what...two months later, he broke up with me without any explanation and no clue that anything was even wrong. I was laying on his chest with him holding me as we were watching a movie. I was telling him that I loved him and his answer to me was that he had doubts about our relationship and didn't want to work on it. It felt as though the carpet had been pulled out from under me. He suddenly had a new girlfriend in about a week-although I am clearly aware that he had been cheating on me. Hindsight is 20/20.

Needless to say, I started having anxiety attacks and fell into a deep depression that I am finally seeing a light from. Meanwhile, less than eight months later, he is engaged to the woman he cheated on me with.

I have struggled with all of this. How is it fair that he gets domestic bliss when I can barely get out of bed? How can someone who had claimed that I was so "special" act as if our relationship and I never existed? Can I ever trust and become vulnerable to another man again. And I struggle with forgiving myself. How could I have allowed someone to physically hurt my body and still stay with them? How could I have been such a fool? I would have sworn that he was my life partner, can I ever trust my judgement again?

Who am I? I am the straight A student. The feminist. The strong one. The one who always has her head on straight and definitely doesn't take BS....and I let this happen??

So the idea of a new year, a new beginning, a chance to start over again and not look back on what I thought could have been ...really resonates with me. This year, I am not making some resolution that is impossible to maintain. Instead, I am promising that I will just "be better". Whatever that may mean. I realize that I need to let go of my attachment to outcomes and allow God's plan to just unfold naturally. Afterall, my attachment to the idea of marriage and a man as a sign of accomplishment is what allowed me to disrespect myself and tolerate behavior that is clearly unacceptable.

I am learning and growing everyday. I have had to learn who my real friends are and have allowed my family to step up and help me. Even if that help has only come from one sister. This is my first time I have actually expressed my pain and asked for help. Normally, I keep it in and just march forward. This time I was so emotionally drained by other difficult life events occurring at the same time...I simply had no reserve and found myself emotionally empty. So asking for help, going to therapy, maintaining reciprocal relationships and rediscovering the friendship I have with my sister are all steps in the right direction. I am allowing myself to really feel my feelings. those feelings can be absolutely devastating, confusing and keep me in bed for the day, but that is okay. I don't know what is in my future but that is okay. I have accepted that maybe being married with a family may not be an outcome that God has planned for me. I definitely don't know best. And that is better than okay. It is reassuring that someone better and a whole lot smarter than me actually knows what is going on with my life!

I hate to end this with a "fairytale ending" paragraph. Like "Yay, sad girl is all healed". Because I am not. There are days that I am inexplicably down and others where something just sets me off. I am working thorough it. The good days and the bad ones.

 

Sent from my iPhone

[pippy longstocking]

hiya single

 

 

thats quite a story and a wonderful honest ending ...yeah your not there yet ...but your more in than out ..more up than down and more happy than sad ...

 

the relationship between you and your sister and finally asking for help are huge huge steps and you sound like you have had quite a journey ....and your doing fabulous so so fabulous , good for you girl .

 

 

this

 

How could I have allowed someone to physically hurt my body and still stay with them? How could I have been such a fool?

 

you answered it yourself earlier in your post ..we need validation from abusers that they are sorry , that it isn't our fault , that we didn't deserve it ..we get trapped in feeling only they can make this better , because they are the ones that caused us the abuse to start with ...so we stay ...and hope they make it better ...I know , I have been there too and god knows I have put up with some nasty crap like you have ..and stayed with them.

 

so we have both learnt .. and you will never ever let anyone do that to you again .

 

 

love and best wishes to you , your doing amazing xx

[married2011]

I think this is an amazing post, you are so very self aware and have gone through a lot to be learned from.

I think letting go like you are, putting it in God's hands as you describe, is really the best anyone can do. Sometimes you really do just have to let go

 

Two things in particular that you said really stood out to me:

I have now learned that that is a typical tactic of an abuser. They act like what happened wasn't a big deal, so you start thinking it wasn't a big deal. You start doubting yourself? We're things as bad as I thought?

And

Afterall, my attachment to the idea of marriage and a man as a sign of accomplishment is what allowed me to disrespect myself and tolerate behavior that is clearly unacceptable.

Those two statements really speak to me because they (the first especially) are what I have realized through the pain of the loss of the relationship also. Your second statement has taught me something about the disappointment I do still feel. Thank you for putting that into words, it helps make it something to be understood!

[SingleAgain33]

Thank you both for the encouragement. Today obviously was a bad day. I love the idea of this site because being alone to deal with everything is the part that bothers me most. I love the idea of not being alone even if virtually over the Internet.

 

How do you deal with the bad days?

[SingleAgain33]

Shooting star, I never heard it put that way that we need validation from our a user bc they are the one who made us feel this way. Anything else I can read about that?

 

I guess that's why the engagement news hurt me so badly, b it kind of reinforced the idea that I wasn't good enough but somehow this other girl is worthy of him. In my mind I know he is hardly a prize....but I guess here the prize to me is being told that you are worthy of someone wanting you for a lifetime.

[SingleAgain33]

Married2011. Glad I could word it for you.....but that is definitely the issue that I am having the hardest time recovering from.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Shooting star, I never heard it put that way that we need validation from our a user bc they are the one who made us feel this way. Anything else I can read about that?

 

I guess that's why the engagement news hurt me so badly, b it kind of reinforced the idea that I wasn't good enough but somehow this other girl is worthy of him. In my mind I know he is hardly a prize....but I guess here the prize to me is being told that you are worthy of someone wanting you for a lifetime.

 

How happy can he really be if he feels the need to assault his partner. It is highly likely his new partner will end up being physically abused. Although he doesn't think so, he actually did you a huge favour breaking up with you because now you are not sentenced to a life of abuse and never knowing when it will happen.

[SingleAgain33]

Do abusers abuse all partners?

[SingleAgain33]

Btw, crazy about dogs....love your saying on the bottom of your post!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Btw, crazy about dogs....love your saying on the bottom of your post!

 

Thanks..the credit goes to Catfeeder who is a member of this forum. Abusers do indeed tend to abuse each partner.

[maggieMAE]

I wish I could hug you. This is such an amazing post. I really appreciate you sharing it with us, as I'm sure it'll help people as much as it helps you to get these feelings out.

 

Although I didn't go through as bad of physical abuse as you, I was put through absolutely h*** with my ex. And I stuck around, partially because I couldn't leave (I was afraid/she would start stalking me when I tried to leave), and partially because I was hoping she'd realize my/our worth and change. It doesn't make the pain of the ending any less when it's an abusive relationship. I feel like others have been trying to tell me to hurry up and get over it already, because obviously it was a bad relationship so why am I mourning so much? Well, because I wanted to leave to keep myself safe. Not because I completely fell out of love.

 

I feel like abusive people are also extremely charismatic and easy to love anyway. That also contributed to me doubting myself and wondering if I made up all the problems in my head. Here's this incredibly friendly and warm individual (too warm, which I've read is a warning sign at times), and then there's me, the shy, quiet girlfriend who seems so unhappy. Everyone thought I was the bad guy in the relationship because of it. So it's like I was facing my doubt, the doubt of her friends and family, and then her constant disapproval and abuse. It just made my emotions and self-doubt even worse.

 

Trust me, they did us a huge favor by leaving us and moving on to the next so quickly. I wouldn't have been able to leave any other way. When I tried, it was hard to stay away with her harassment and demanding I talk to her when part of me still loved her. Mine did exactly the same thing in the end by finding someone new before letting me go. I sometimes wonder if I should be warning the new girl because my ex was just so horrible. I definitely won't say anything though. I'm counting my blessings that I'm finally safe, even though it still hurts like heck.

[cbzfmoc]

Are you kidding me? This man is a DOCTOR? He deserves to be in jail for domestic abuse, and needs to be stripped of his license asap.

 

I am so sorry for what he put you through, but so happy to see that you are on the road to healing. Always stay strong. Always look out for yourself first, and love yourself more than anyone else.

[SingleAgain33]

Yes he is a doctor. An anesthesiologist. So he is getting paid very nicely too. At a teaching university where other doctors are being taught by him and looking up to him. I know. Scary.

I actually had taken pictures of the large bruises and had sent them to him to show him what he had done. He told me he was ashamed. That should have been a clue- No sorrow over the fact that he had hurt me. His regret was about him and not me.

About a week before he dumped me, I had been sick with a cold in bed. He took my phone from me to "update my software". Well, a month or so after the breakup I went looking for those pictures.....GONE.

[Robin2904]

Amazing post. I love how real this is. The reality is we are all works in progress, some just a bit further along then others. Thank you for admitting that you are not 'there' yet. It's refreshing to read. You went through a lot. I can't even begin to imagine it. It bears repeating- your ex is an awful person and frankly he is that other girls problem now. You dodged a bullet big time!

[SingleAgain33]

I read something last night. Situations and people do not make abusers, abusers. The lack of control and how they react to it does. Hmmmmm.

[quirky]

About a week before he dumped me, I had been sick with a cold in bed. He took my phone from me to "update my software". Well, a month or so after the breakup I went looking for those pictures.....GONE.

 

wow..scary how smart some people can be.

 

Your post is incredible and as you can tell it has resonated with many of us. You are being so honest to yourself that I believe you will find the inner peace you deserve. He on the other hand will always be dealing with his demons unless he decided to go to therapy. I can guarantee you haven't missed out on anything, I have an abusive aunt and she looks like the funniest person to be around. She's a lawyer, smart, good looking, it takes a while for people to know how awfull she can be. She is not changing, she is just slowly pushing more and more people away and of course she blames them.

 

What often happens is an abuser doesn't think what they're doing is that bad. Therefore they don't apologise for it. Them hurting you gives them a false sense of power and by apologising they lose that power. The victim then accumulates the 'responsibility' since the abuser doesn't. That's why you often hear victims feeling guilt, both me and my 2 best friends were sexually abused as children and we all thought deep down that it was our fault, that we must have done something to cause it. No. These people are messed up, your ex is messed up.

 

Abuse also creates a very twisted bond as you are both at your worst together. But you sound like you have the emotional capacity and intelligence to overcome all that and have new boundaries for yourself. Don't be hard on yourself, most women I know that were physically abused found it incredibly hard to leave their relationships because it had chipped away at their self esteem. I wish you all the best from now on.

[lavenderdove]

One of the most important things i can tell people when they are in toxic relationships is that it is a waste of time to look to the source of your pain to relieve your pain. So he's the one who damaged you and caused injuries, yet you showed pictures to him hoping he will 'be sorry' and that will make you feel better. He instead took it as a threat and realized he had to find a way to pacify you so you didn't report him, then sneak out when enough time had passed that there was no physical evidence and he could claim you made the story up.

 

But the truth is, he is the one who caused the injury to begin with, the one who hurt you, and you can't expects someone who is willing to hurt you to heal you. that is like going back to a roaring fire that just burned you and saying, hey, evil fire, look what you did, sticking your hand right back into the fire and expecting it to bring relief. You just get more and more burned.

 

I suspect he left you because you did have concrete evidence that he abused you (the pictures), and he bided his time until you calmed down, then deleted them and left. If he is a doctor, he knows if you press charges and have proof, it could seriously damage him and his career. So he pacified you for awhile and waited until all your injuries healed with no physical evidence left, then bolted when he saw his opportunity to get away. if you report him know, he will just say, aha, she is a bitter rejected woman and is lying to try to get back at me.

 

So you unfortunately played right into that one. Women involved with abusers need to clearly understand that men who do this deep down don't respect and in many cases don't even like women all that much. They like the attention, and the sex, and the sense of control, and someone caring for them and their homes, but they also feel entitled to vent their rage and punish and harm them when they feel angry or disrespected because they see you as 'lesser than' themselves. you're property to them, to be brought to heel when you misbehave. It has absolutely nothing to do with love.

 

So the 'language' you were trying to speak was love, as in, 'he loves me, so all that needs to happen is he needs to understand how much he hurt me and he won't want to hurt the one he loves', but the language he was speaking is 'how dare that witch not grovel and appreciate the money and effort i put into buying her those boots. she doesn't deserve someone as good to her as i am, and in fact she deserves to be smacked around for disrespecting me and not obediantly thanking me.'

 

Deep down they know they can get in real trouble for that behavior, so they just look for ways to get away with it and pacify you afterwards so you won't report them. And if they have serious fears you will, they look for ways to avoid getting reported, and move on to the next woman who they think might be more obediant and serve them better.

 

So the best thing you can do is to not feel bad about it because it is a live and learn situation, but to deep down understand that he IS that abusive man, someone who feels entitled to beat up a woman if she isn't grateful enough or really annoys him. And he WILL eventually beat this new woman too unless he gets a lot of therapy to breat the pattern, and sadly research has shown that very few men who do this do ever change. He's not your Prince Charming and never was, though he might have appeared to be for a while. You discovered his true nature and it is ugly, and you need to work really hard to see this as a POSITIVE thing, that you got away from him before he was able to seriously injure you, or even kill you or beat your children as well. What you are crying for is the missed image of the 'good him' that you hoped for, but he just isn't that man. Marriage won't fix him, and in fact, studies shown that the beatings get WORSE after marriage, and in fact are at their worst when the woman is pregnant or has an infant or children, because these men use unfair leverage of any kind to allow them to beat and control their wives.

 

So have a celebration! You have a whole happy life ahead of you WITHOUT beatings and abuse. This woman he is marrying is about to discover the true nature of the man she married when he gets comfortable in the marriage and start beating her whenever she annoys him. YOU won, they didn't. I feel very sorry for her, and very happy for you that you learned a lesson and can find yourself a good man. And in future look for signs of an abusive or controlling man and stop seeing anyone who shows the signs... there is lots of data and research about this online, so start googling and learn as much as you can.

[quirky]

I swear you're a therapist Lavenderdove, how insightful !

[SingleAgain33]

Wow Quirky and Lavendardove! I love your responses. It is like you read my mind. The part I am having the most trouble with is that I have internalized "the responsibility". And all of the incredibly awful treatment of silent treatment, emotional coldness and distancing. Like I deserved it. He gave me a million reasons why I did. I started to believe it. I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that he is someone who I had total trust in so of course I took his words as honest and believeable. Maybe I am the cause of all of our problems. To the point of just buttoning up and not sayin anything so as to not cause problems. But he isn't that person. You are right. He proved himself to be a liar and cheat and someone capable of physically hurting me.

I would love to read up more on all of this.....so I can really start feeling like I am heal from this. Any books or websites that you particularly suggest?

[lavenderdove]

Start googling 'cycle of abuse'... and 'abusive men' and 'abusive relationships' and 'how to recognize an abusive man'.

 

One really good book is 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin deBecker, a specialist in protecting women from stalkers and abusive men. He has a list in there of signs that a man might be dangerous or a problem, and teaches you how to use your own intuition (and listen to it) to protect yourself from abusive men and/or dangerous people.

[pippy longstocking]

hi again single

 

What your feeling and what your describing is the fall out having been with an abusive man (or woman obviously) and as I said earlier that is the emotional roller coaster we end up been on while with them ....they tell us how we deserve the abuse ...we stay with them because we think we NEED to hear them say they didn't mean it ...we don't really deserve it , after all they dished it out and somehow when we are stuck in that bad place we long for the comfort of knowing we are ok ..not these damned women who had caused this much pain in life we deserve this treatment. Also once the cycle starts we can actually start to believe we do deserve it ...

 

I will maybe able to express it better if I tell you one of my stories .

 

one of my exes was the biggest bully yet ....it started slowly ...naturally ... I mean if they knocked us out on day one we would walk ....this is a slow attack ..

 

I had met him just as I had moved cities to get away from the one before him , looking back I was alone , a baby in arms , getting over a couple of years abuse and vulnerable ...I didn't see the signs even though I had just left that kind of relationship .

 

he was 10 years older than me ... kind , thoughtful , mature ...different or so I thought ..he was actually the cruelest man I ever met .

 

I became pregnant and the cracks started to appear one night when I asked him to pass me an orange ..dear god ...it was a verbal masacre ..he stood up , eyes blazing asking how dare I treat him like that , he told me to go and sit in the corner ( yes yes I know) I was no different to any other woman ..demanding , using him , disrespecting him .. no wonder the other one beat me ..on and on and on , then walked out and left me sat there a jibbering confused wreck ...

 

but his words stuck ..was it my fault ...now your screaming at me no no no it wasn't me ..but at the time .. well maybe there was some truth to what he said ..and I had indeed just left one abusive relationship ...all this over an orange.

 

I was desperate to make it right , but he ignored me ..this was a common pattern , back to his flat ...all phones off and silence for sometimes two weeks ..I nearly went mad at times ..the longer it went on the more convinced I became that it was me ...he told me often enough no one would want me ..I wont make anyone happy ...he was doing me favour taking me on etc etc ....

 

I started to see him for what he was and that it wasnt my fault whilst still in the relationship ..it did turn physical , he kicked me , punched to the ground ..spat in my face ...I ended it because by this point I could see what a disturbed piece of crap he actually was ....

 

and you will see all this soon ..as clear as day ...never ever doubt yourself or your worth ...not ever ...

 

their profession makes no difference ...that man I am talking about ^^^ he was a minister of religion !!

 

 

darling ..they all follow the same pattern and they all do it again .....believe me xx love to you

[SingleAgain33]

Thank you Lavendardove. I checked out the book on my Nook. I definitely want to read it. The thing is I feel like I have spent so much time reading up on his pathology. Ie NPD that I have not focused enough on me. I want to have something to show from all this. To work on myself. Grow. I want to concentrate on my healing. Do you know any good sources for that?

[SingleAgain33]

Although today is the first day it really hit me that I was abused. And I was in "an abusive relationship". I guess I was minimizing like I can't treat myself like a real victim bc I was punched in the face or anything. But I did het seriously hurt. And it had been a progression of a couple odd behaviors previously. And I seriously questioned if I would make it out alive that night. He was a monster. I swear I had never heard that voice before or any of the threats.

I just internalized that I was so awful that I was to blame for the end. And minimized what his awful actions were.

[SingleAgain33]

Wow. Actually acknowledging the awfulness of the situation and the fact that I was indeed abused....gives me a sense of strength.

[SingleAgain33]

I guess I minimalized it even to myself. And definitely didn't want to label the events as such bc I didn't want people to act like I was being over dramatic. I mean I didn't have a black eye or bleed. And it "must not have been so bad if I didn't leave". How do I stop the shame and blame process.