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My friend's wife contacted me. How to get out of this mess?


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A month ago, I met an older guy who I knew from the very beginning was married. We exchanged numbers after he assured me that his wife was content with him having female friends, so I assumed it was perfectly acceptable to communicate with him. Normally I stray from married men, even as friends, because I know that it causes issues. However, he would text me right in front of his wife and she was well aware of it. I would even go as far as asking how she was doing and often told him to tell her "hello" from me, to which he claimed she returned the kind gesture.


A few weeks after initially meeting, his innocent texts gradually became more sexual in nature. Often, I overlooked these messages as I did not want to transform a friendship into something more, given the circumstances. However, I made the mistake by continuing to talk to him, as he informed me that his wife was aware of his attempt to "sext" me and laughed it off. Gradually, it became more obvious that he was developing stronger feelings for me, as he began telling me that he loves me and that he wishes things were different so that we could be together. Attempting to be a good person, I reminded him of how many years he has been with his wife, how she loves him dearly, and how all the romantic talk is nonsense.


Last weekend, I woke up to several missed calls, texts, and voice messages on my phone. Needless to say, it was from his wife. She told me that she had read our conversations and wanted me to leave her husband alone. I could tell in her voice that she was extremely enraged, so I backed off. Later that night, I received a long text message from him apologizing for the messages I woke up to and told me that he had a talk with his wife. He said that she was drunk and in a bad mood the night before and that she is okay with us remaining friends and communicating. Initially, I didn't believe him but he told me that he would go as far as having her call me to inform me that it was all a misunderstanding. I continued talking to him: Mistake #2.


A week passed and she hadn't contacted me, so I presumed that everything was back to normal. Then, I woke up at 2:00 this morning to more missed calls and voice messages from this woman. She told me that if I ever contacted him again, there'd be hell to pay. So here I sit, extremely paranoid.


I am just now realizing that it's likely he lied to me about his wife's knowledge of our friendship, and like an imbecile, I believed him. At this point, I don't consider this man a friend and will never contact him again. I texted his wife on her phone number letting her know how sorry I am for everything, assured her that I would never approach her husband again, and that if he contacted me I'd be sure to let her know. How do I move on from this? Should I change my phone number? I am so freaked out that I will continue being harassed by this woman and that it'll extend much further beyond phone calls and Facebook creeping. What do I do at this point?

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I've definitely realized that this man had ulterior motives from the get-go. What likely happened was that he saw an opportunity to distract himself from his routine life and seemingly problematic marriage while fabricating his wife's knowledge of our friendship to essentially "keep" me.


Had I known his wife was uncomfortable with another female texting him from the start, I would have never agreed to exchanging numbers.


Should I really just ignore everything? Sometimes silence triggers even more rage and irritation, and that's what scares me.


I feel as if I was completely fooled. I made sure, after the first set of phone calls, that his wife knew about our friendship. I've questioned him multiple times regarding the situation, and he assured me that it was just a misunderstanding and that the harassment would never happen again.


I am so taken back by this that I just don't know what to do.

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He obviously lied. But, no offence- you were wrong to continue to communicate with him. He is a married man (sadly, for his wife) and you don't want to be part of that mess again so be careful whom you give your number to. If a married man I met asked for my number for anything else besides business, etc I wouldn't be naive to think he wanted to be "friends".


If he contacts you again- tell his wife. He'll get the message and stop.

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No offense taken.


I realize that after the first contact attempt via his wife, I should have blocked his number. I have several male friends who are married, mainly through my workplace, so the suspicion flew past my head when I agreed to exchanging numbers.


As I mentioned in my thread, I did contact his wife via text message early this morning and let her know that if he contacts me again (even if it's a two-word text message), I will forward it to her cell phone. I'm crossing my fingers that my apology text put her mind at ease a bit, as I'm pretty certain she's currently enduring quite the dilemma herself.

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Should I really just ignore everything? Sometimes silence triggers even more rage and irritation, and that's what scares me.



in this case silence I feel is what is needed . You have nothing more to say to him ...you have sent an apology to her ...contact from your side right now would just set her off into thinking your not going to leave it alone and may give him the green light again.


you may likely get silence off him now because he has taken to many chances and realises his marriage is now under threat

and she may lapse into silence because she has given you your warning so to speak and she is, I guess, just waiting to see if contact between you both does happen .


she must be a nervous wreck and there is a chance SHE has had their numbers changed .


as someone said ...if he contacts you , tell her and get your number changed ...but for now I would just wait and see

if this will go away on its own ....

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You guys are probably right. Silence is credibly the best option here. Let sleeping dogs lie.


I've never found myself in a situation like this before. Not knowing how far this woman is willing to go scares the living daylights out of me. With a simple internet search, she could find out anything she wants. Personally, I believe that all "people search" engines and publicly accessible background checks/databases should be illegal. If you're not my potential employer or law enforcement, you have no business delving into my personal information. Databases as such only provide a playground for creeps and stalkers.

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OK, this is your clue that you shouldn't try to be 'friends' with random married or taken men. the world if full of people you can be friends with, and anytime a married man approaches a younger single woman to 'be friends' it is almost guaranteed that he is after some kind of sexual stimulation, whether that is just dirty texts or phone sex or actually hooking up in person.


The guys at work are a work-based connection, so that is entirely different than some random married guy you meet elsewhere. and frankly you shouldn't get too close to ANY married man unless his wife is also a close friend and everyone is OK with it, because that is how office and personal affairs start.


I think you won't hear more from the wife if you just cut him off, and totally ignore him. I do feel sorry for her because she is choosing to stay with such a lying cheater and trying to 'police' him to keep him away from other women, but she has her own reasons for doing that. I doubt she has any desire to persecute you, but just wanted you to stop messing with her husband, and you didn't listen the first time so she got more aggressive the second time. So don't let there be a third time. Block his number, and stop trying to be friends with married men or men with GFs where you aren't also good friends with his wife/GF as well.

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btw, she could claim in reverse that you are stalking her husband! you started communicating with and flirting with him even though he was married, and tolerated his sexual communications, then you continued with him even after his wife let you know she was not OK with the relationship. So from her perspective, you are a threat who doesn't respect her or her marriage so she is letting her rage hang out there. How would you feel is you saw your BF/husband communicating the way you two were? Probably very angry and upset so don't label her reaction as being stalking when you continued to ignore the fact that he was married and pursued that relationship, even when his wife told you she was NOT OK with it and it was evident he was a liar.


So this is on you and not a case of her being a stalker. You need to learn some boundaries about what is acceptable behavior or not in terms of 'friendship', and also know that it really isn't appropriate to befriend and spend a lot of time communicating with married men when you've never even met his wife.

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and this: 'you have no business delving into my personal information. '


You have no business delving into her husband! So i think you need to accept responsibility here for bad judgment. The truth is that legally, if the wife chooses to divorce, she can subpoena you as being his 'paramour' (legal term) in the divorce, for flirting with and creating an underground relationship with her husband when you knew he was married. You could be summoned to the divorce trial, and divorces are public records and your name would go into the public record as a correspondant/paramour in the divorce. the wife would subpoena from the phone company every text the two of you ever exchanged, and all your phone records. you would be questioned in great detail about all your interactions with him, and would be put on the defensive to prove you never actually hooked up with him and had sex. And even if you said you didn't, no one would probably believe you.


So please don't be naive here. Public records are public records, and you may not like that anyone can delve into them, but that it is the way of the world. All your private information could also be subpoenaed in a divorce, including the contents of every text you ever sent or received from him.


Your 'hidden' actions (ie., your hidden relationship with her husband) iwould be by default judged as inappropriate association with a married man, and exposes you to all kinds of issues/problems due to his legal state of being married. i know several woman whose bank and credit card records have been subpoenaed in divorce to try to prove the husband was spending marital assets on his paramour, or that they were hooking up in hotels, dining out together, and taking trips together, and even cases of birth certificates being subpoenaed to try to determine whether the other woman's child was fathered by someone else's husband. And of course there are private detectives who may follow you and take pictures for use in a divorce trial. And forensic accountants who would rake over all your private financial data to determine whether the husband was spending marial assets on you (i.e., spending ANY money on you at all, or transferring any money to you as gifts etc.).


So drop him like a hot rock and stop hanging out with married men unless you are active friends with the wife as well. It can have more consequences in your life than just a little fun.


You should actually consider yourself LUCKY that she is upset and still wants him rather than finding this out and deciding to divorce and unleash a holocaust of private detectives and subpoenas on you to try to prove inappropriate actions and adultery in a divorce. It happens all the time, and the other woman has her name blackened in the process and unleashes a whole lot of trouble on you and even the need to get yourself a very expensive lawyer.

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Thanks for your response. Very informative. I really appreciate it.


I feel terrible for the woman. You are very right by stating that I should have dropped him after the first encounter. At that point, it was obvious that the woman wanted me to leave her husband alone, and I should have respected her demand regardless of his excuses. If he lied to me in the first place about her knowledge/involvement, I was pretty stupid to believe that he was truthful in stating that we could remain friends post-blowout.


I have definitely learned my lesson after this encounter and will never make the same mistake again. The past week for me has been a living nightmare. I've been hesitant to even look at my phone or check any of my social network or e-mail accounts, in fear that a contact attempt from her will appear. I do not blame her one bit for contacting me. If I was in her shoes, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I would leave a nasty voicemail or two for the woman my husband was communicating with. No friendship, let alone one with an idiot such as this guy, is worth the unhappiness and discomposure I've experienced in recent days.

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Lesson here, men don't want to be your fiends ladies! I'm a guy and know this.


Oh, we might enjoy banter and talking politics or sports, but sex is always on our minds.


I can't believe how niave women can be to this fact. Find a gay male friend or a veteran who had his wang blown off in war. Those are the 2 exceptions to the rule of male friends.

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Should I really just ignore everything? Sometimes silence triggers even more rage and irritation, and that's what scares me.


No, silence communicates an unwillingness to engage. If someone is sick enough to make attempts to push past silence, then it's foolish to believe that any form of engaging them will solve the problem.


The only way to have a reasonable friendship with a married man is to include his wife, not listen to stuff 'about' her.


Head high, we've all hit snags on the 'live and learn' climb.

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Based on your reactions and responses I think you enjoy the attention he gives you. OF COURSE silence is the best option!!! I can't believe you actually believed him after the wife called the first time. You wanted to believe what he said.... Get non married male friends. Inappropriate and don't victimize yourself here.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ya, I wonder why the poster rationalizes that talking to a married man who is sexting her (!!!) is ok, not to mention the wife's phone call. This woman (poster) is sick, why on earth would she want to break up someone's marriage by encouraging/continuing the convo after sexting started ? Oh wait, the guy sexting said it was just a joke so no biggie....

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True. Absolutely, positively do not have any further communications with him. Do not respond to his texts or emails. Do not answer his phone calls.


Do not attempt to contact his wife in any way. Disconnect yourself from their marriage utterly. If she contacts you, your only answer is "I'm so sorry; he lied to me every step of the way and I was gullible. I promise I never slept with him and I promise to never have anything to do with him again."

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Speak to her. Tell her exactly what you described in your original post. Then she'll know it was all her husband. If she doesn't want to believe you, that's fine, but since you won't be in touch with him in the future, I don't see any further problems.


Why would you let a married man text you sexual things even if it was ok with his wife? Can't you do better?

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ya, I wonder why the poster rationalizes that talking to a married man who is sexting her (!!!) is ok, not to mention the wife's phone call. This woman (poster) is sick, why on earth would she want to break up someone's marriage by encouraging/continuing the convo after sexting started ?


First of all, she didn't (nor is she capable of) breaking up someone's marriage. He would be the one to do that, because he is the one who is married. The poster is not. Secondly, there are some people in the world that don't think the worst of every person when going into a situation. Is she slightly naive? Absolutely. But calling her sick is a bit much, in my opinion.

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ya, I wonder why the poster rationalizes that talking to a married man who is sexting her (!!!) is ok, not to mention the wife's phone call. This woman (poster) is sick, why on earth would she want to break up someone's marriage by encouraging/continuing the convo after sexting started ?


I don't think she did think it was ok; that's why she broke it off. And of course she doesn't want to break up someone's marriage. She's just asking advice on how to best extricate herself from this mess.

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  • 1 month later...

I don't think it's fair to judge her. Maybe she was naive but perhaps men and women CAN be friends without it all leading to sex. Of course, she didn't stop talking to him when she should have, but you cannot judge her. It was the married man who has a commitment to a wife, who has made a vow to a woman, the one who decided to betray that promise. It's always easier to judge the woman, for some reason.


To the poster: Stay away from this creep.

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