Married...and falling for someone who's...Married!?!

[Progressive]

Ok - any suggestions would be welcome on this one!

 

Ok, well, i've been married for about a year, before that we were going out for about 4 years, it's had its up's and down's like everyone her but nothing too seriously wrong has ever really happened.

 

Before I met my wife, i had a friend who had just moved to the area who i used to talk to a lot (mostly on-line) - a while after i met her she got married and we didn't speak much and then after a while we hadn't spoken for over a year! Although she was a good friend, there was never really any attraction there.

 

Anyway, recently, we have gotten speaking again and we've met up a few times, phoned/texted and gotten back to talking on-line again. Only problem is that after a few weeks of chatting again, i have really started to have feelings for her, I will find myself sitting at work staring at my mobile wondering if I am going to get a text and feeling upset if i dont! Or I will sit at home on-line waiting for her name to "pop-up" rather than sit and talk to my wife or even do things that i really should do, but dont, just in case i miss her coming on! It's not just something that i think of when sat at this desk, its all the time! in the car, at work, on the way home, in the shower......at....other...times...ahem. etc.

 

I did tell her how i felt about her and received back something along the lines of "oh. i thought you did. or wishful thinking maybe" - but now, i just dont know what to do! Where I would really like to be with her, i don't want to ruin TWO marriages to get it, i don't know if she even has feelings for me and even if she did would she want to be with me?

 

Am I in love? Am i in lust? Am i just grabbing at someone who shows even a little intrest in me? Is there a way to get out of this without hurting anyone? Would it just be easier to try and just forget about her or just try and be a friend and forget about the rest? i suppose at the end of the day, if she did come up to me and asked me to kiss her or .........further...... i don't even know if that's what i want!? I don't really think about her in a sexual way, just...cant stop thinking about her! (although, it would be nice )

 

ARRGGHHH!!

(I'm not even sure that i really asked a definate question there or not! oh well!)

[Tellin It Like It Is]

I have so been in your shoes. Well, the thing is...when a relationship gets older, it's so easy to crave the newness feeling. How was it when you and your wife started? Electric? Exciting? That's what the beginning of a relationship is all about. Those super charged feelings are not the lasting kind. Think about this. IF you were to leave your wife and pursue this woman, eventually your relationship with her would become "everyday" and predictable like the relationship you're in now. The only way to get out of this without hurting anyone is to realize you cannot have a friendship with this woman, and commit to channeling all of this pent up lust into making your marriage exciting. Time for some outdoor sex with the wife. Time for spontaneous flowers for the wife. Time for love letters for your wife! You won't believe what a little effort can do to recharge your current relationship. Do it. Get out now, because your whole world is about to get really yucky if you don't. Also, you'll notice that your on-line friend likes your attention, but isn't reciprocating your feelings...so stop dangling the carrot.

Good luck.

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

I agree with Telling Like It Is. Love is a dynamic thing. My parents have been married for almost 32 years and they still love each other, but I bet they love each other in a different way right now. They do new things all the time even after all those years. It's amazing.

 

Marriage or relationships aren't things to be taken for granted. You have to work on it and keep working on it. Only then things are gonna work.

 

I hope that this made sense and I wish you good luck.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Heatrae]

Let me just say you should read the book Myth of the Greener Grass. I THINK i'm a mature woman, but when it comes to relationships I tend to be a bit immature in wanting the ROMATIC-LOVE feeling all the time. That simply just isn't realistic. I was married and fell in love with a married man. We both are still very much in love and have to work together- he has two kids. (see my post "we just can't break it off entirely." Needless to say, my husband, just like your wife I bet, is a great person, but the spark the hot-ness of the realtionship is gone. I didn't want to work on it with my husband because of all the intense NEW feelings I was having with "B", si I ended my marriage to a really good guy, hoping it would prompt my OTHER man to do the same. You are smart to consider what that would do to wrecking both marriages. IT's also amazing what cheaters will do to justify their actions. If you cross that line now you will FOREVER cheat, my friend. And I know you don't wanna live like that. I cheated after 2 years of mariiage anthat's why it was so easy to cross the line when B came along. If you wnat to live hinestly but don't want you wife to know SPECIFICALY about this other woman, I would start reading. Read as much as you can about the subject. Also, "Kosher Adultry". This book talks about having an affari with your SPOUSE and how to see them in that light. It is helping me. I am also readin "the five love languages". I would like to be with my husband. It hurt him tremendously when I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I didn't tell him about B. I now realize, thru reading, that a new kind of love evolves, as others will tell you on this board. But you are very newly married. You'd better nip this in the bud. Good luck...I will watch for more updates!

[Progressive]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm Ok, well.

Firstly, thanks for the replies, didn't really expect any to be honest but they have really given me things to think about and things to look at at different angles.

 

You're all right of course, I can't keep on the way i am, I suppose I DO feel like i'm "dangling the carrot" most of the time and it's making things worse here at home when i realize that too.

 

Although we arent really a couple who rush out with gifts and love letters etc.. I do know that my wife loves me and its not fair on her to sit here thinking one thing, saying another night after night. It's not going to be easy to do, but I will have to "forget" about how i feel about ...person2... I don't know how i'm going to do it at the moment and i know its going to be hard but... s'gotta be done. I don't want to cut them off completely because they ARE a very good friend - probably the person i have known longest! I'm just going to have to remember that is what they are....and that is all they are going to be!

 

Blah! - I'm going to bed!

[Heatrae]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You're not listening. Don't just settle in your marriage. you have to want to work for it. You can do it. Yes, you do have to forget about woman 2, but don't just be afraid of talking to your wife. you'd be amazed at what this conversation will bring out. If you're not a therapist by trade, then take the time to read. Read "6 secrets of a lasting relationship." that book will give you the tools to at least initiate an a convo with your wife. Put your energy there. You will be much happier. If after all the effort, say 6-9 months from now, then you can say you tried everything and have a clearer concsious about ending the marriage. But I promise you, the marriage will not FIX inself. YOU have to do it because you're the one unhappy. You owe it to yourself and your wife. You will grow to resent her for not changing. But if you don't talk about hte lost intimacy in your marriage, she never stands a chance. We women want to be all we can be to you. Please give her the chance. Good luck, Friend. I will hope for you!

[kanifia1]

the question you have to ask yourself is have you always being feeling this way, reason i ask some times we fall in love and dont even realise it, and we go and do stupid things that we regret.

what i think you need to do is questioned your true feelings for your wife and this other woman. if you feel you have made a mistake then be honest dont pretend and dont allow the stuation to get worst meaning kids getting invlove, spare your wife the pain. in this world people tend to forget that not all of us are with the right person and later down the marriage their is regrets and someone gets hurt. do the right thing follow your heart.

[dancesinquicksand]

Marriage is work.. This flirtation you have going with this over woman on the other hand is not. We all like to be admired. And it feels good to be wanted. Even when we know it is wrong. You need to take a step back from this situation and think about how your wife would feel if she ever found out. Then you need to realize that there is a huge difference between casual flirting and a long lasting love. In life there are only a handful of people that we really get a long with. I mean as in longer than a couple of months. Keep that in mind when your throwing away the one person who is willing to stick with you. This fling if you were to allow it to run its course.. and I don't suggest that you do would fizzle out and die in a couple of months. Not worth ruining something you have obviously worked years on.

 

By the way .. wether you want to admit it our not. Your emotionally cheating on your spouse. In life we only have so much energy to give the people who are around us. By giving out your attention, and flirting with this other woman. You are robbing your marriage of some of that energy. The little things are what keep a marriage going. If you stop giving those little pats in the hall. Or the smiles accross the room. Your marriage will die. Stop juggling and do the right think. Go hug your wife. And remember all the little things that make her special...