It's never good to check someone's phone, huh?

[faerietale]

This thread is going to start off as a very typical thread regarding trust.

I looked at my boyfriend's phone. I saw weird texts.

Yes, it is wrong and yes, I regret it.

 

Ok, moving on...

 

I'm going to start off by saying that I trust my boyfriend, but I was nosy. He's a straightforward, no bs, kind of guy so it was kind of odd to see this text.

 

It was from him to another girl. I didn't get a chance to read much of it since I was in a hurry. Basically, it was flirty. She said she wanted to be a cop. He said "you can practice on me " He asked her what she was doing one time, she said she was busy. He said, "Well young lady, let me know when you are free. It would be nice to see you again. Their texts were very sporadic. A few texts here and there but once a month or so. The last text he sent to her as I just mentioned as from mid November. It sounded as though he was more interested in hanging out or catching up than her. She kept her answers short and brief. She didn't respond after he said it would be nice to see her again. I don't know who this girl is, he never mentioned her to me before.

 

Anyhoo, I was a bit startled by this since we've been open and honest with each other. I decided to play detective and be sneaky. I pretended that a gf of mine was in this scenario in which she herself checked her bf's phone and found these flirty texts. I asked my bf what advice he could give me to give her and what he thought of it. He told me without any hesitations that you can't really base off much from just a few texts/words. He said that words are words. He said that unless the bf had any suspicious behaviors, then something should be done about it. I asked him a few more questions regarding trust and being unfaithful. He told me that if the gf need to ask herself why she decided to check her bf's phone in the first place. If the gf does not trust her bf, then that should be an issue that should be addressed. He said that he does not believe in cheating since he's old enough now to know that if you're not happy in a relationship, the best thing to do is walk away and not linger to waste time and cause more harm. He told me that there is no point in having two women because it's a waste of time investing in something that doesn't really mean anything if you're not being faithful. He also told me that that when he's exclusive with someone, he doesn't try to fool around.

 

So, with all that being said, those texts that he sent still bother me. I don't know if she's a close friend (didn't seem like it judging from the texts) nor is she a client or coworker.

 

Anyways, I asked a guy friend of mine regarding this and he told me that often men will feel a little flirty and send stupid texts but that I shouldn't be alarmed or act on it unless I feel as though his actions are worrying me. So far, my bf hasn't done anything to make me feel suspicious.

 

Should I just dismiss this and just let it go to make my life easier? I know that a few people will say to just confront him, but i feel like since all this has been said and done, if I were to confront and confess now, he might not take it very well and I might cause more destruction than good.

[allcity]

There's a saying that goes "If you go hunting for signs of cheating, you'll find them". I've always found that very cynical but I reckon there's some truth to it as well, though.

 

And if I were you, I wouldn't bring this up with him, unless you're prepared to deal with the inevitable fallout of explaining why you snooped. Tricky situation

 

Having said that, if I saw texts like that on my GF's phone, she'd be shown the door fast. I don't behave like that behind her back, even though I easily could, so I expect the same treatment in return.

[Skeptic76]

If you choose to dismiss it are you prepared to let go altogether, i.e. no more sideways questions, snooping, etc.?

[faerietale]

Yes, if I choose to let it go, I will not be checking his phone again. I don't want to go looking for trouble that may not be there...

[Skeptic76]

I caught my wife cheating once...well actually the situation just "became apparent." I had complete trust at the time, but some "weird background feeling" that something was off that did lead me to analyze things with a more critical eye. However I didn't snoop or do any detective work - the truth just presented itself to me quite out of the blue one day.

 

Personally I have decided that being worked up and obsessive is not worth it because I cannot prevent cheating; so I don't go looking for clues. This doesn't mean that I don't get worked up from time to time...but my decision not to helps remind me to seek objective perspective and find MY mistakes that led up to the distress de jour.

 

That seems to aid in illuminating any changes I need to make and moving forward.

 

You already know in YOUR heart what the right thing to do here is. Trust your gut.

 

 

Good luck!

[EssexMan]

The fundamental question is, do you trust him? If you do, then forget about these texts. Obviously, smoking guns can't be overlooked, but there are always lots and lots of perfectly innocent things in any relationship that could be interpreted as signs of cheating, yet aren't.

 

(I always delete sent texts pretty quickly. Is that because I don't want my gf to see who I've been texting? No, it's because at the moment I'm using an old phone and it fills up rapidly. But if she was on the hunt for evidence of me cheating - which she isn't - this could look "highly suspicious". See what I mean?)

 

The other issue is whether you are comfortable with your bf having female friends who aren't your friends. I think you should be, provided they are not intensely close or spending significant one-on-one time together. And they are especially allowable if they are friends from before you two met.

[Jennifer89]

I think you are overreacting. Plenty of guys have female friends and girls have male friends. The texts are far apart. Were they flirty? Sure. But I write messages to my guy and girl friends that sound flirty all the time, I post them to my Facebook wall so there's no hiding them from my boyfriend, if he ever asks "who's (whoever)" I will answer honostly... My gay friend, an ex coworker, my best friend... Just bc they are in his cell that doesn't meen he's hiding them. Did he show them to you? No. Why would he? It's just a conversation with a friend, you don't record all your conversations for him to listen to, do you?

 

For all you know this friend could be a lesbian. Why do you even assume she's a girl? Could he have said "you can practice on me" to a guy who said he needed to learn how to restrain someone in order to become a cop? Why does that statement have to flirty?

[Jennifer89]

I see he said lady in a text... But you still don't know, they coul just be friends and he wants to hang out. Maybe you'll even be invited to meet his friend who wants to be a cop.

 

You either trust him or you don't. If you trust him let it go.

[willdation]

I would say that nothing more is going on. There were no other texts and believe me, if he was trying to hide something he would have hid that comment about the cop thing...

 

I would be curious who that person is, but it looks like its either a friend or going nowhere..

[bialoman]

A lot of good posts on here. I also agree that it looks fairly average and I don't think nothing is happening at all between them.

 

I can't add to much more than what's been said, but agree with Essexlad, and do you trust him? The ''practise on me'' is quite flirty, but the other one doesn't seem too bad ''nice to see you again''. You could say that to anyone from a lover to a 80 year old man who you enjoy spending time with.

 

Snooping can be really tempting but a complete mindfunk at the same time and when you are suspicious, sometimes you can end up reading so much into situations that are not reality (not you, but people in general if they are in a ponderous or down state as well - folk can tend to think the worse when its harmless).

 

I'm not sure if you should confess though or not it depends really on his personality. He has indicated that he doesn't believe in cheating and he's given his word to you. I wouldn't go snooping though unless you have huge doubts. I've done it previously and although there was nothing there or found, I ended up having restless nights about something so trivial but mind had build it up as huge.

 

Take care and hope you are feeling ok.

[faerietale]

Thank you all for your responses. I greatly appreciate it.

To answer some of your questions, yes, I do trust him. I guess all of these suspicions, nosiness and just plain overreactions are from my own insecurities. I don't want to overreact, that's why I didn't confront him about it right away. (Of course the other major reason was that I didn't want him to think I was a psycho for invading his privacy and making assumptions.).

 

I just don't understand why people flirt, even if it's harmless, when they're in a relationship. What good would that do?

 

Bialoman: Thank you for your concerns. I'm much better now.

[EssexMan]

I just don't understand why people flirt, even if it's harmless, when they're in a relationship. What good would that do?

 

I think it's just human nature. (The underlying reason for that might be that it's to "keep in practice", the same way that that is used as an explanation for the way that perfectly well-fed cats still catch birds and mice! Just guessing there, of course.)

 

I flirt a tiny bit with female friends now and again, even when I have a gf and they have bfs, and there's no intention on either side that it should lead anywhere. It doesn't mean anything...it's a kind of joke, I suppose.

[Jennifer89]

I think it's just human nature. (The underlying reason for that might be that it's to "keep in practice", the same way that that is used as an explanation for the way that perfectly well-fed cats still catch birds and mice! Just guessing there, of course.)

 

I flirt a tiny bit with female friends now and again, even when I have a gf and they have bfs, and there's no intention on either side that it should lead anywhere. It doesn't mean anything...it's a kind of joke, I suppose.

 

Yes! I use to work in a kitchen and everyone flirted, single, married, in a relationship, it don't matter. I did personally draw a line when it turned to spanking but even that was considered normal. It made the day more enjoyable and took away some stress.

 

Why do I flirt with friends? For the same reason. It's fun and playful. Once I'm in a relationship, that one guy is the only one I want, I still flirt anyway with no intention of winning my non boyfriend over.

[Dealbreaker]

Hi faerietale, you've been helping with my thread, so I'd thought I'd try to help you too with my own experiences.

 

I know the flirting could be harmless because it's fun and what not, but I'd be careful. People who flirt think that this cannot hurt their boyfriends/girlfriends but it is disrespectful, especially when the other person has no idea. You never know where that will lead. I used to flirt with other guys in college but that's because I WANTED to know where that would lead because my boyfriend at the time didn't treat me that great... so I thought "hey, maybe this person will treat me better". It's kind of the same excuse that my ex uses, but he's the commitment phoebe, not me, so HE doesn't treat me that well and thinks he can whatever he wants being away from me; hence why I gave him the ultimatum.

 

From the texts it seems like he wants to see HER and she's the one that doesn't have the time. Also, if that continues to bother you, even if you don't say anything, it won't be the last time you will check his phone... and who knows what else you're going to find.

[dancewithme88]

I just experienced something similar in the last few days. My boyfriend left his cell at my house and I snooped. I found some flirty texts between him and his ex (who I feel physically threatened by because my boyfriend cheated on her with me years ago, I'm pretty sure she knows, I see her out and about sometimes, and he told me that she had texted him about seeing me at an event). I confronted him right away about it (which I guess would be different from your situation) and told him that I had snooped and apologized profusely for snooping. I don't think its fair for me to invade his privacy like that, but I also feel like it isn't OK for him to be texting her like that.

He told me that sometimes he just gets carried away when he texts (I can vouch for that because before we started seeing each other he was always replying to my texts with innuendos and flirty messages) but it doesn't mean anything. He still cares about her, but not romantically and assured me that it was 100% over between them. He told me that he wouldn't cheat on me (which I believe to a certain extent, but I'm still wary sometimes) and I made him promise that if he ever felt like it was going to happen that he would break up with me first.

I will say to you, that letting it go might be difficult. I feel like I will never be able to unsee what I saw, and honestly I regret looking at the messages. The texts do not have a direct effect on our relationship (at least, they didn't before I read them). He isn't always on his phone when we're together, he has no intentions of actually seeing her/cheating on me (his words), and he wasn't talking about emotional things with her (I love you, I miss you etc.) The texts are just texts, and he's the kind of guy that plays around like that, but now that I've breached his confidence I wonder if our relationship will be able to recover from this. He said that everything was fine, told me he loves me and we've made plans for the week... but I sent him a text last night saying "I just want you to know that you mean the world to me and I've never been happier. I love you babe" to which he hasn't replied. I'm just feeling a little insecure about where we stand even though he's told me we're fine.

 

Have you experienced the same thing? Do you feel like you're always going to be wondering now? Do you feel secure in your relationship?

[shelty24]

I don't know what your boundaries are but to me this would be unacceptable and a red flag. I would break up with him.

 

I know in some countries people see things differently but to me texting an unknown woman flirty texts trying to arrange a date is crossing a line

[porcelainapple]

In the past I have looked through a boyfriend's texts because I already knew there was something up so I wanted to confirm my suspicions before deciding what to do next. The texts I found did indeed confirm the suspicions I'd had (they referenced him sleeping with this other girl, etc). In all honesty, there was no trust there by the time I looked at them anyway. This didn't actually lead to the break up, that happened before I had a chance to confront him (or rather before I came up with a good reason for looking - not that I'd necessarily need one in those circumstances).

 

I digress. Ultimately it is your decision and only you know what you want to do (sounds stupid, but I 100% believe in trusting your gut instinct in these situations). If you don't believe he would cheat and if you think this is just some silly flirty messages he sent to someone and that it means nothing more than that, then it wouldn't be a great idea to tell him you read them. That's something you should only do if you really, truly think there is something more to them. From the sounds of it you trust your boyfriend and don't think he would deliberately hurt you? If so then don't say anything. There is no point in damaging your relationship and the trust your boyfriend has with you for the sake of bringing up some messages which, if he has any sense at all, he will not continue with in the future following your conversation anyway!

[fairytalefox]

It's shady. I've had similar situations In Past relationships.. It never ended well. If you find them flirting with another. They aren't that into you. I've gone looking for cheating in my current relationship. Haven't found it. Why? Because the person I'm with now is 100% in this with me. I don't know if it'll last. But I'll definitely know when it's ending. It's black and white. Not complicated in any way.