When an ex replaces you, and wants to be friends...

[Ated]

What should u do? My ex and i have been apart for 5 motnhs now, he replaced me with a new girl a month after the break up. The thing is, i was really hurt (as you would expect). It took all the strengh i had to get over him. Like others, at first, i begged and pleaded. But one day i promised myseld that i'd quit crying. Initially i was thinking about how to get revenge, and how to teach him a lesson... BUT i realised that that won't help. I decided that i taught MYSELF a lesson. That he ain't worth it!

 

Anyhoo, after 3 motnhs of NC, i bumped into him. Nothing happened. Several other times, i bumped into him again. One day, i went to a cutural night and i had an idea he would be there, although i didn't go cos i know he would be there. I went because i WANTED to, not to 'bump' into him purposely!

 

Anyways, the next day he calls me.... and ever since then, he called me at least once a week. At first i was like ok that nice... But he kept on talking about his new gf. And of course i got hurt so i told him to stop calling! And he goes "I talk about her cos i don't want to get ur hopes up!" and it gets me sooo frusttrated cos he plays mind games with me! For example, if he knows im being nice and stuff, he'll hit me at a soft spot and put me back to square one!

 

I DID TELL HIM directly and indirectly that i do not appriciate his calls. In fact, when i found out that he had been intimate with this girl (sex) i seriously was disgusted and my rection led him to hang up!

 

I thougth that was it! The end of it! And i was glad! But he Called agian this past monday and agian today! Twice!! I mean, i just don't get it! I told him to stop wasting his money! As calling me constitutes cheating and then again he becomes vain saying "la la la dun think i want u back cos im calling u.... i just wanna be friendss!" and im like "i dont think we can, i mean, we'll be FRIENDLY, but no need to talk on the fone cos you hurt me and i got nothig to say to u! im so much better off without u!"

 

So he hanged up, and then he calls 10 minutes later and asks me 'why does it constitute cheating?? Then starts comparing me to the new gf and telling me next time make sure u get ur bf freedom la la la."

 

ARGHHHH!!!

 

So today when he called, i was nice to him (as always, not nice, but polite) As in, ive told him i dont appriciate his calls and all, but i wasnt like "Get stuffed and all this filthy words" So anyways, i managed to get off the fone saying i was sick (which i was) and i hope dhtat he gets the point!!! Because i always make sure i dun talk to him properly. Meaning, he asks me qs, i answer. i don ask his personal life (cos i dun wanna know~) Spo after that, he calls agian! Can u believe it?! lol And then he's like? Can i call ur land line... and im like "is it important" (HINT HINT) and hes like 'no im just bored, im at work" and im like "why not call ur gf instead" and hes like "oh shes out somewhere" and then he goes, ok dun start arguing with me agiain la la la and im like WTH?! and i fully snapped at him! SAying "look i really dun want u to call! i told u we got nothing to talk abut!" and i fully hanged up! i feel bad...

 

I dunno why he keeps calling! Its so funny cos he was the one who said before (straight after the break up) that im so annoying i keep calling.... that he's ggonna change his number... bla bla bla.... I swear he is soooo vain! and ARGH!

 

I dunno what to do! I just wish i can tell him staright out!? any advice...

 

I just wanna live my life. He's moved on! why does he keepp calling for?!

[mahlina]

Hi Ated,

 

Boy is this guy messed up. Whew! He is certainly a handful isn't he? Reminds me of an ex from waay back. Doesn't this situation remind you of a dog chasing it's tail? C'mon now. You already asked him to stop bothering you, right? Well, well. This guy just likes his game. Sounds like the more you're pushing him away, the more he comes back. Why? Perhaps he has this innate sense of wanting what he can't have. If anything, my guess is, this boy has a 'pretend' girlfriend. If he honestly did have a girlfriend, then why would he still call? That just tells me that:

1. He doesn't have a girlfriend like he says he does.

-OR-

2. He's trying to act like a little player.

 

For some reason, it sounds as though everytime he makes up a b.s. excuse to bother you, he gets a kick out of it. I don't know why. Ated, continue on doing what you're doing. You're on the 'right' track so far. He should be mature enough to know that what he's doing is wrong. If anything, if he truly loved and valued the relationship that you guys shared, then he wouldn't ever let the romance fall apart. One of my guy friends told me this, "If a guy truly loves you, then he would do anything to make your relationship work out, no matter what the circumstances are." It's true. So, whatever he's doing right now, he's up to no good.

 

One more thing, since I do see a lot of my one of ex's qualities in this guy, what I can tell you is, if he has the nerve to do this to you, then most likely he's probably chasing other girls around too. Tell him to go chase a rabbit with his teeth! He obviously has nothing else better to do. And, lastly, make yourself the golden treasure. Try not to give into your emotions, even when he does call. Don't let it phase you. You can be polite to him, but let him know over and over, that you don't appreciate him calling. Realize that you will find someone 10x's better than him. Let him clown on himself. You are waay better than that. Hang in there girl! Mahlina

 

P.S. Thank you for your PM!

[Ated]

Ur welcome. Thanks SO much for the advice! (instant too!

 

Thanks.... I just dun wanna be a cow to him and be slack like he was slack to me. He DEFINITELY does have a gf. I know becos some mutual friends told me so... Its ok tho. I feel nothing! In fact, i feel sorry for the girl.

 

We broke up cos he became 'popular' and startd to smoke and club and u know? so i dunno... watever!

 

I will do that tho! keep telling him i dun appriciate his calls!

 

THANKS AGAIN GIRL!

 

Salamat! (Thank you in filipino! I read one of ur posts and u mentioned 'mahal kita' so i figured u know filos) Im filo myself!

[savannahohsavannah]

Don't be friendly with this fella. Be civil, when you see him in public, but that is all. Don't take his calls for a while. He may still be looking for a way to come back to you, but would you want him back? He is doing a player number. Be yourself, but stay uninvolved with him, unless you want him back then fight to get him from the "other woman". But I don't recommend that, really.

[SilverManic]

If he calls don't answer I take it he's calling your cell right? Just press the hang up button I do that to a guy who still seems to keep calling me even after a year of me telling him I don't apriciate him phoning me. He'll get the idea eventually and he'll get bored with the fact that he can't get threw to you. Good luck!

~S.

[sonjam]

best way to get him to not call you anymore, is to tell him that your mutual friends know about the calls, and they were wondering if his new GF knows about it, and intend to tell/ask her.

 

Then you could ask him if she knows about it, and if she minds, couse she is now going to find out (from your friends)if she did not know.....

[Mr Mister1]

Have to say you're probably being more polite than I'd be in your situation. I'd be telling him NOT to call you and when he does telling him to bugger off and that you not only don't want to be friends with him but you want nothing to do with him.

Above all make it clear you don't want him so he has no problems in getting your hopes up because even if he was interested you're not.

You could always just block his number too.

[TrueHeart]

Sometimes playing games with the heart, my dear.. are the worst kind of games. No one wants to feel replaced or rejected. Going on what I remember about your previous posts quite a while ago, I would still stick to my guns.

 

Based on what I know of this guy, hon, I highly doubt that his new GF knows that he still talks to you. Remember 'having your cake and eating it too?'--

 

It took me a while to accept that my XBF and I would ultimately would never be together again, at least for many years in separation to come. Who knows. But I had to determine on my own that he just wasnt good for me, and furthermore, what he displayed himself as a friend was to me... Not a good one. I always felt like I was being put down, and not appreciated at all.

 

Anyone that gets enjoyment out of seeing anyone suffer is perverted in the worst way

[Ated]

Thnks so much for your replies. Yeah that is it Mr Mister, i am TOO polite.

 

As mentioned before, when i found out he did it with his new gf, he actually hanged up on me!

 

To everyone else, apparatnly, his new GF does know he calls. And she 'doesnt mind. She's cool with it cos she 'trusts' me!" He said that to me after i said... that "I don't think ur gf would like u callin me!" But he just plays mind games and flips the coin! Comparing me to her... saying, u never trusted me la la la... And im just so pissed! I'm seriosuly thinking of asking my friend to call him and tell him (pls leave her alone). But that might sound weak. Besides, i dunno if he will call agian.

 

Its just so weird. Seriously. But YES he does have a gf, and apparently she knows about me.

 

I wanted to tell him, the difrence between me and ur new gf is that Shes a goose for lettign u do 'watever' you want (smoke, club, get drunk) and 'trust' u... But i didn't! Because I can't put up with that! I did trust him till i caught him lying a number of times. Then he blames me! PFFT!

 

Maybe you deserve each other!

[TrueHeart]

Ated-

 

One thing you must realize is that he HASN'T changed since you and he broke up. You shouldn't envy her, you should pity her.. She DID NOT land a prize. Hes only doing this to aggrivate you because he knows it still pushes your buttons. This vendictive type of behavior is very cruel.. Don't call your friend and tell him to tell him to stop hanging out with her... Thats indeed foolish and CRIES "jealousy" which is EXACTLY what he wants.

 

He's the type of person (I dare not address him as a 'man') that gets his kicks off making people feel bad to heighten himself as well as pitting women against eachother to fight over him. He's not worth it.

 

But YOU need to accept that fact. It doesn't matter how many times WE tell you, YOU are the one you need to convince. YOU. He isn't worth it... and ANYONE who cares about you in the slightest way would DARE NOT ever put you through that. Yes, his GF knows about you.. but thats it... he's the kind of guy who would lie to HER too if it meant having his cake and eating it too... Ultimately, he wants his GF to get jealous over you and want to fight you to get you out of his life.... Again, he gets his kicks out of it...

 

You really just need to leave him alone.. Stop calling him, if you see him in public, walk away. The temptation is great at first, but it does fade out... Read others stories and you'll know it works. I never believed it also, but I had to accept that Adam wasn't the man I used to love anymore... and that pure fact closed the book on us forever. I was sad at first, tempted to call/see him... but I started seeing friends and eventually fell back in love again....

 

My point is: It DOES happen. You're not giving yourself enough credit. You are a person that loves, he's a person that lusts... I truly hope that this little pep talk helped a bit.. There are those nameless, faceless people out there who DO care about you...

[Ated]

As always, Trueheart, your advice is soo uplifting. THANKS> You have no idea how much it means to me when a person i've never met in my life gives me a heartfelt advice and gives up their time to give me their point of view. THANKS AGAIN.

 

I have been having up's and downs this week. And today, I realised that its been nearly 8 motnhs since the break-up. I mean, i have changed, being a stronger person and all... But i did bump into him agian the other day. It made me nervous and all... But NO I ABSOLUTELY have not been calling him... Actually he called me yet agian... this time he said "are u looking for a job. Cos i can give u one..." Of course i said "no" and we had an awkard moment and then he had to go cos he was at work. Man oh man. That BOY** is confused. WATEVER.

 

Anyways, moving on... I think i've told u, we have mutual friends, anyways, this guy in particular who is a 'close' friends of his (my ex) wants to sleep with me! CAN U BELIEVE IT! I swear my life is a soap>...

 

I told him to sorta lay off and thats rather nasty. I told him that "You're my ex's friend!~" and he's like "He moves on, you should too", "He absolutely don't care. He told me that 'you can do whatever you want with her man, I'm not going out with her anymore!'"

 

OMG I swear what the hell do they think man!! The nerve!

 

 

I did love this guy a lot. A lot a lot. But i'm really starting to feel that i *hate* him... and i never use that word on anyone! Man oh man...

 

Trueheart... I wish i can cut that section of my brain off...

[TrueHeart]

I really believe you are starting to see that in him now. Your ex's friend DOES have a point.. He moved on, so should you. But remember, you're not even friends with your X anymore, so dating his friend, is honestly HIS FRIEND's problem, NOT yours. Afterall, he's the one who has to deal with it, not you. Ultimately, you can take that one of two ways... but the other way is if you WERE friends with your X, than dating a mutual friend would be completely inappropriate, in my opinion.

 

You really have to see it that way, love.. Complete strangers giving you more time than that "boy" does... We are here for a reason. I admit this forum has truly helped me realize SO much about myself, and truly helped me cope and find the hidden strength in myself. It takes a lot.. Its been my saving grace.

 

I'm glad to know you don't call him.. Having mutual friends is hard, I also share mutual friends w/ my XBF, and also my XXBF-- so I know the stress it can cause. Especially that you also attend the same school, do you not?

 

I'm happy you have found the strength within you to be a better person... remember, HIS loss--- not YOURS... Love you!!!

[Ated]

I still think that i shouldn't get involved with my ex's friend. I think its nasty. I mean, i'm pretty sure that if my ex found out, he'll go crazy, although would never admit to it. Anyways... I'll be 18 soon... I guess my dating field will be bigger. I'm not really interested in looking tho... I mean love is a really beutiful thing, but i think that the heartbreak is not worth it!

 

No, i don't see him at school. I just finished high school this year (last month actually I got my formal this fri!!) he's at uni... I see him at shopping centres... I think what i need is a replacement.... but i dunno when i'm fully healed, or if i ever will. Mn i really let my guard down with that boy. I definitely will not 'open' my heart for the next!

[TrueHeart]

I have a favorite saying " Work like you don't need the money; Dance like you do when no one's watching; Love like you've never been hurt." Don't let him completely sour you from anyone, even shutting someone out completely, or not giving your heart out... Just learn from it... and now be more selective and CAREFUL on how much you let someone in. Atleast NOW you know what you DON'T want in a man, gives you a perspective and a bit of choice there. I think of everything that you might have learned from that relationship, that would be your greatest lesson.

 

Just be more careful. It ALWAYS takes ONE TIME to get completely scorched by someone to really mold your heart and shape your thinking... Everyone has been hurt atleast ONCE in their lives to a great extreme.. But the difference between the ones who still hurt and the ones who have found a true happiness-- is that the ones that still hurt, still blame and use that heartbreak as an excuse, and they end up staying miserable.... Whereas the ones who LEARNED from it, end up finding true happiness and worthwhile for the rest of their lives.... To those people, the heartbreak wasn't an excuse, it was a reason they gained the knowledge..

 

Now THAT's what defines a strong person from a weak one...

[Ated]

Hey you guys...

 

Well my ex contacted me... I dunno if it was an excuse... He didnt call me on christmas. He called me today (boxing day)... he didnt wish me... all he said was "hi how are u... bla bla, how did u go at your exams, what was ur results..." then he tells me details that i don't really want/need to know such as "yeh i live with shan (a mutual friend who lives live 3 streets from my house)" I mean wat does he want? I told him clearly before tht i don't appriciate his calls. He called me twice this morning~ Fisrt he woke me up, then i was kinda rude (partly cos i was distrubed in my sleep). Anywyas, i couln't go back to sleep so i decided to just go here! enotalone. 10-15 minutes later he calls agian? omg~ what is the deal. Anywyas, im a 'nice' girl so i apologised and was polite to him. Just friednly.

 

I still think about my ex EVERYday... I keep thinking, will he call again? Not that if he doesnt i get upset... but when he does, its like... "what do u want! U told me u dun want me now u keep calling?!" I told him so many times to stop calling but he still does! i dunno what to do. He calls my landline so i dunno who is calling cos it has no caller id! Maybe i should hang up??

 

what i want to know is: should i just treat him nice, be friendly? or just leave it?

[TrueHeart]

Personally, I'd just leave it be. Seems to me that he mistakes your actions no matter how you cut the pie... The lingering feelings inside are what keeps you thinking about those feelings.. They will soon convert to memories, and you won't have them anymore.

 

(I like your new avatar by the way, very pretty ) So what my advice to you is just to leave it be. Those people who truly take us for granted don't deserve to be around us or know how we truly feel... Especially this guy. In fact, my X is doing a good job at attempting to rub his GF in my face-- well, its not working.. I'll admit to the anger I feel because its so petty, but whatever makes him feel better about himself.

 

I'm not wasting any more energy on him, and neither should you with this guy. You know this. People are vendictive... its a shame that there ARE those people who get off seeing other people be miserable...

[savannahohsavannah]

Don't spend your time with him! I say you should just let it go. It will make you feel so much better! I see him playing cat and mouse with you. It's an ego thing for him. I don't say that to be cruel to you in any way shape or form, but there are simply some people who will do ANYTHING to get their egos stroked. It sounds like he's one of them! And I also would not believe one word he says. Not one single word, if he tells you the sky is blue, you should be thinking well okay but isn't it actually azure? And I guess that is why I say total no contact and be rude if you must. We can't always be polite. You should not have to put yourself in a position where he can manipulate you. It hurts!