nearly 1 year after the break-up I can't think of anyone else... help...

[winniethepooh]

Winnie, you sure do like to talk and thank heavens for that because what you say is worth every word.

Haha, yeah, sometimes I do. It can be a curse and a blessing

 

In all honesty, what I got from different posts of yours is not one clear answer to that question.

That's because you asked the question so many times in so many ways, and each time I tried to answer it. You're focused on something way into the future, and you can't focus properly because it's blurry, and there's nothing you can do to make it clearer no matter how many times you ask the question. You should be focused on the present so that you are in a better position to deal with the future.

 

Did you have conversations like this with her?

What she said once when asked about the future was something along these lines: "I don't know what will happen, what the future might bring, nobody knows that, I'm not saying that we won't get back together one day and I'm not saying we will either. Maybe it's too late for that"

The point of my question was asking if you went round and round in circles with her about something like you are doing now in this topic.

 

Anyway, as for her comment, it's probably an accurate thing to say but she deserves a punch in the nose for saying that to you at the time she did, because it's manipulative of your feelings and keeps you hanging and waiting while she goes off bouncing around the place to find herself or whatever other BS she told you.

 

I know it might sound unbelievable but there are days when I'm absolutely certain I could go out with her and remain emotionless.

It sounds believable to me. So what?

 

I think that I do realize we probably won't be together again...

When you don't care, then you're healed, and then the chances of success if you do get back together are greatly increased.

 

it's just that I kind of wish she could be part of my life in some way. Just being friends could be enough.

That's delusional thinking at the moment because you're not over her and don't want to completely let go of her.

 

I think that most of the posts here are based on the assumption that I feel desperate every day to get her back.

My posts are based on the assumption that you're looking for a good reason to contact her. And on the assumption that you want help to get over her, because you started the topic saying this ...

 

nearly 1 year after the break-up I can't think of anyone else... help...

That sounds desperate to me.

 

I don't. In all honesty, if she finds a man and feels happy with him then I'll feel OK with that. It's fine.

In all honesty, I think you're deluding yourself here. But one way to find out is to try and contact her and see how you feel if she is with someone else. I wouldn't recommend it because I think that will painfully set you right back to square one.

 

Or you can save yourself a lot of pain and read stories about people who did exactly that.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that it is possible to build a new relationship with the same person.

I know. I've done that. She was a girlfriend. We disconnected after we broke-up. Completely. Then had a coffee one day when neither of us cared about the outcome (although neither of us wanted to get back together ... as far as I know). Now, several years later, we have a new relationship - a brother-sister kind of relationship which we both value a great deal. That was not a goal, nor was getting back together. The goal after we broke up was to let go and move on. We both did that, and only after that was it realistic to reconnect without the hangover of our past relationship baggage.

 

I know three couples like that... each of them followed the same pattern... a relationship, a break-up, a time gap, a new relationship.

There are 300, 3000, 3 million, whatever, couples not like that. You can always find an example to support your theory, and another one to contradict it. So what? You are not in a position to rationally and objectively look at your relationship to see if that scenario applies. And anyway, it doesn't just depend on you. It depends on her too. She has made her position crystal clear by walking away. If you want to show that you respect her and her decision, then leave her alone.

 

Maybe, but all of your posts seem to assume the negative scenario... How about you have a look at this pic? link removed

Good grief man. If you really didn't care about the outcome of contacting her, you wouldn't post something pithy like that.

 

If you want to find stuff like that to support your way of thinking, you will. You are not going to change my mind. My position comes from experience, pain, conversations with other people, and reading many many painful stories here from people who tried all sorts of things and failed. The success stories are few and far between, and they all come from a position of at least the dumpee having moved on, got on with their lives, and not being invested in the outcome in the same way that you appear to be.

[mesmerized]

If you want to show that you respect her and her decision, then leave her alone.

 

On the one hand you don't cross out a possibility of reconciliation, on the other hand you want me to get rid of her. Isn't that contradictory?

[iamkaylee]

On the one hand you don't cross out a possibility of reconciliation, on the other hand you want me to get rid of her. Isn't that contradictory?

 

Exactly how is what he said contradictory? You're reading into things what you want to read into them. Balking firmly in denial and bargaining.

 

Respecting her isn't "getting rid of her". She's already gone!

[winniethepooh]

On the one hand you don't cross out a possibility of reconciliation, on the other hand you want me to get rid of her. Isn't that contradictory?

Oh dear God, when will it end?

 

She's. Already. Gone.

 

You have to accept that and you haven't.

[winniethepooh]

She's already gone!

Haha, snap

[iamkaylee]

Haha, snap

 

 

 

Good Lord, the poor man's really in the grip here isn't he? I swear, never, ever underestimate the power of the P.

[mesmerized]

It is contradictory. Accepting a break-up is one thing. Letting go is another one. But one should never lose hope. Call me naive, I don't care. Your line of thinking is that of no possible reconciliation. Mine is different. God knows what will happen in the future.

[iamkaylee]

It is contradictory. Accepting a break-up is one thing. Letting go is another one. But one should never lose hope. Call me naive, I don't care. Your line of thinking is that of no possible reconciliation. Mine is different. God knows what will happen in the future.

 

If you're not letting her go, you're not accepting the breakup. They are two different things but they're also intertwined. No one is calling you naive or anything else beyond stuck in the mode of what you want to have happen that *might* or *might not* be reality.

 

Your own title to this thread says nearly a year after the breakup you can't think of anyone else .. help. You just don't want to hear what we're all saying and accept the help you asked for.

[iamkaylee]

Let me shift gears here Mes and give you a woman's prespective on all this.

 

Please, correct me here on the facts if I'm wrong. Wrong as in WAY off base, splitting hairs won't matter.

 

Now then, you've been broken up for almost a year. You had a meltdown, begged, pleaded and made a few mistakes right after the breakup. Limited contact since, nothing really beyond a few polite texts back and forth about birthdays and such. Very little if any contact at all for the past few months.

 

Correct?

[iamkaylee]

You know what, scratch that because nothing I can say there is going to make a difference anyway.

 

It really is this simple Mes. She knows how you feel by now. You want to know what the thinks and how she feels? Stop contacting her and leave her alone. If she wants to keep anything going or there's a snowball's chance in hell for a reconciliation, she'll contact you. If she doesn't, you'll know she's really done for good and doesn't want to hear from you even for that beer.

[mesmerized]

If she doesn't, you'll know she's really done for good and doesn't want to hear from you even for that beer.

 

So if she doesn't contact me at all during the next 10years then I shouldn't even lift a finger and contact her?

[winniethepooh]

I swear, never, ever underestimate the power of the P.

Cough, splutter!!

[winniethepooh]

So if she doesn't contact me at all during the next 10years then I shouldn't even lift a finger and contact her?

Do you want help and advice or do you want to prove that your point of view is correct?

 

Consider contacting her when you don't care about the outcome anymore. It's as simple as that. It might take another month, a year, 10 years. That depends mostly on you.

 

Or contact her now, or in a month, or in a year, and see what happens. I really want to emphasize that I think that's a really bad idea, but I also think it's your call. You can keep asking all you like, but I think there are very few people who are going to say it's a good idea.

[One day]

Hi Mes,

 

To put it simply "heal first" and then see how you feel. If, buts and maybes we all have them mate. I don't think anyone is saying no don't meet her ever. Just when your healed.

 

Ok say you contacted her today and she said sure lets have a beer. What would your agenda be? Reconciliation? and what if she said no, could you handle that, would it give you the closure you need or send you back to square one?

 

People change mes especially in their twenties and as much as it sucks people in their lives get left behind.

[mesmerized]

Ok say you contacted her today

 

In all honesty I don't want to do that now...

[quirky]

I've read most of the posts but I'm not sure I know the reason you split up.

 

Was she the one to leave? Was there cheating or disrespect involved? Has she been nice to you during the little contact you've had?

[JohnGalt]

First, ask yourself why you want to be back with her after so long. What were the positives in the relationship. Generally, winning the girl back is the easy part. Staying together after reconciliation is going to be difficult. Especially after a year apart. Therefore, I would only ONLY suggest getting back with a person after a year or years apart if you were CERTAIN you wanted to marry them and get engaged within short order. Otherwise, you'll just start dating, falling into the routine and same problems will come up.

 

Second, where is she? Does she still live in China? China is your problem. You almost cheated on her, then you brought her to China where the ladies love you and it reinforced her insecurity. Oh, and I don't know if a woman ever gets over the perception that her man wasn't there for her completely when she thought she was pregnant. So what has changed? You're still in china. The ladies still love you. She clearly wanted to leave that scenario.

 

Third, do some reconnaissance. It has been a year. She might be in a relationship or something. If she's seeing someone or not single, you might as well move on. Doesn't she have a facebook page? Don't you have mutual friends? Find out her relationship status before you make a move.

 

Fourth, it isn't going to make a difference whether you wait another year or 10 years from now. Her answer as it exists today will be her answer forever in all likelihood. Pick up the phone, call her up, and see how she is doing. Just have a conversation with her and catch up. If she is responding positively to the conversation, keep it going for 10-15 minutes. Then tell her it was good catching up and that you'll call again soon. Note her response. If it is not enthusiastic, don't call again. If she seems happy to hear from you, call her again in a weeks time.

 

It will probably end in heartbreak again, but alas, I know you must try. So stop waiting.

[quirky]

Did the BU occur because the OP was neglectful? Sorry, I missed all that info.

 

I got back together after over a year with my ex. I have actually reconciled with almost all my exes, I'm posting here so you can guess how that went..lol

 

Generally, winning the girl back is the easy part. Staying together after reconciliation is going to be difficult. Especially after a year apart. Therefore, I would only ONLY suggest getting back with a person after a year or years apart if you were CERTAIN you wanted to marry them and get engaged within short order. Otherwise, you'll just start dating, falling into the routine and same problems will come up.

 

TOTALLY agree with this. People have an idealised view of reconciliation, that you get back together and the world shines again. No. That's when the real struggle begins. The exclusivity is gone and that is what often makes a relationship unique. The trust and faith are also challenged usually from both parties.

 

You almost cheated on her, then you brought her to China where the ladies love you and it reinforced her insecurity. Oh, and I don't know if a woman ever gets over the perception that her man wasn't there for her completely when she thought she was pregnant.

 

If this is what happened prepare for some hard work. I had a similar feeling of my bf not being there when I needed him and it took A LOT of work from his end to trust him again. I didn't even have trust issues to begin with. Betrayal is what people fear the most in a relationship and when it happens, in whatever format, it's very hard to overcome. Mostly they are scared to trust their own judgement as it proved them wrong the first time around. Then they are more paranoid, unable to believe as easily etc.

 

As much as reconciliations haven't worked out for me, I believe in second chances. If nothing else it's best to know for sure.

[mesmerized]

Thanks for your posts.

 

I've realized what the problem is and it's not really the fact that I lost her per se that makes me feel down. It's much more complex than that. It's always been hard for me to convince myself that life has something beautiful to offer. I've been disillusioned and disappointed in life more often than happy with it. I can't even count how many nights I thought of ending this whole mess. It's always been hard for me to form relationships, flirt with girls and so on and so forth. Life has always seemed to be more of an uphill struggle for me than for others. And she showed up, wrote to me on the internet. I remember that I had promised myself that that girl would be my final attempt at relationships and the only reason why I tried to give it a shot was because she was similar to me. An introvert and an English teacher as well, just like me. We shared common interests in music and literature. Both of us are atheists. What's more she accepted my drawbacks. She knew I was taking some pills at the time of dating her. Instead of rejecting she supported me and said it was not a big deal for her. I could go on and on. The point is that throughout my whole life I've never met anyone like that. Let alone the fact that she's extremely good looking, slender and sexy. And no, she's not on the pedestal. I know exactly what her faults are.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that I don't believe at all that I can meet anyone who will have similar qualities. Even though I've accepted the fact she's gone, that doesn't change anything really. In all honesty, I don't see chances of meeting a girl who's gonna utterly turn my world upside down. Life is not a movie and in reality guys like me are fighting a losing battle here. I have never met an attractive woman who'd appreciate romanticism. Instead, all the women I've known (apart from my current EX) were always attracted to men who treated them like sh... So, I don't see my future life as a brightful one. Besides, lots of people have told me that I really hit the jackpot by being in a relationship with that girl.

 

It's all nice and easy for you to say things such as 'there's plenty of fish in the ocean' or 'there's 999,999,999 other women' but reality is different. Maybe it's some mysterious force that is punishing me for my mistakes. I'm not a club goer, I don't easily mix up with people and I don't have Brad Pitt's appearance. I'm a common, ordinary man who got lucky once. For you it might be bull**** what I'm saying but for me it's a serious problem. And the uphill struggle got more meaningful because she was there. For her it's gonna be so easy to find plenty of guys because she attracts people. So she doesn't have to worry at all. I know she's gone but I'm the one left outside alone and that is hard to bear.

[winniethepooh]

Don't make the mistake of giving up on relationships because of one person. You met someone like her once, you can do it again. Yes, she's unique, but you're describing qualities that many other women also have. Many of them also say they want someone like you. Learn to tell the difference (quickly) between the ones who mean it and the ones who talk crap. It's not always so obvious. She might have been one of the latter, or she might have got fed up with your negativity, or she might be responsible for your negativity, or whatever. Now is the time to figure out what happened, deal with it, and move on.

 

 

The point I'm trying to make is that your beliefs are affected by your feelings right now. Work on changing your feelings. As long as you keep going in the right direction, you will, even if it takes a long time and a lot of pain.

 

 

Haha, I could have said the same thing not so long ago. Since then I've met more than one girl who, although didn't tip my world upside down, did shift it a little. And apparently I shifted theirs (well, one of them at least).

 

 

Maybe your ex is too, maybe not. But she's not attracted to you at the moment so what are you going to do about that? Blame men who treat woman badly? Blame women who let men treat them badly? Or do something about yourself?

 

 

Well, maybe she didn't think she hit the jackpot. I know that sounds a bit brutal, but if you're talking like this here, then I expect that sentiment was evident to her, and maybe she didn't like it.

 

And hey, I'm not going to say you're talking through a hole in your arse, or you're spot on with your assessment. It's your perception. What are you going to do about it? You can change your perception or you can change your attitude. Or both. That way you can change your world. Or you can continue to give up.

 

 

I don't say there's plenty of fish in the ocean. I know there isn't.

 

 

Maybe. Then tell it to piss off, and start fighting back. And stop making mistakes, or make fewer mistakes. But the only way to do that is to keep trying, fall over, get up, move on. It does get easier, honestly it does. I know and so do countless others here and outside the ENA world.

 

 

She has a whole different set of different problems to deal with due to that. Don't be too envious of her position. Deal with your problems.

 

If you got lucky once, figure out why, and do things so you get lucky again. Unless you want to rely on luck to determine what happens in your life.

 

You're depressed or down about life and her and so on. I get that, perhaps a whole lot more than you think. But most of what you express is to do with how you feel at the moment. Do things that change your feelings - it is possible. And then you will see things differently. Or even if you don't, you will feel in much better shape to deal with them.

[CarolineFarr]

Mes,

 

My situation was a tragedy, a diabolical abomination of hurt. 14 months on I am so much stronger, maybe it takes 14 months to get over 14 years ???

 

Hang in there, I know everyone says it and you don't believe it...I didn't, I hated it when people told me to "move on" or "get over it" it was like they were spitting acid at me.

 

It doesn't take another person, or even the words of the kindest person on the planet, something just clicks inside you, you suddenly realize you have taken your strength back, you suddenly become aware of your own power, its very bizarre.

 

Hang in there, in your own time the penny will drop and everything will fit together.

 

BTW - I think your a hottie

 

C x x x x