nearly 1 year after the break-up I can't think of anyone else... help...

[mesmerized]

Dear all,

 

It's been nearly a year since the break-up. We're not really in touch although I got birthday wishes from her and I sent some wishes for Christmas. I know you folks don't believe in the whole "the only one" theory, but she's the girl I truly wish I could be with. Is there a chance for people to reconcile after some time? Can I magically charm her into another shot?

[JJ2980]

Not magically.lol. How are things between you at the moment?

[winniethepooh]

It's been nearly a year since the break-up. We're not really in touch although I got birthday wishes from her and I sent some wishes for Christmas.

You either are or are not in touch.

 

I know you folks don't believe in the whole "the only one" theory, but she's the girl I truly wish I could be with.

Until that desire changes, you're not over her, and not in a healthy position to consider getting back together or not, or getting with someone else. Get to that position as soon as you can so that you can deal with her if she does come back. I'm assuming she dumped you, and it's not clear to you why. Or if it is clear, have you sorted yourself out so those reasons don't apply any more?

 

Is there a chance for people to reconcile after some time?

Yes. So what? You and her are not other people. The question is, is there a chance for you and her ... and that depends on you and her.

 

Can I magically charm her into another shot?

Yes, if you know the right magic. Do you really want to be such a manipulative [deleted]?

[lavenderdove]

OK, if you are still wondering and a year has passed, then call her up and ask her if she would think about trying again. If she says anything but a resounding yes, then i think it is time you really work on trying to find someone in *reality* rather than just in *fantasy*. If you don't see her and rarely talk to her, then she is just a fantasy.

 

But if you do call her, be prepared to hear many things you may not want to hear, such as she has met someone else and her life has moved on. Time doesn't stop, though people who have been dumped can get stuck in a kind of suspended animation where their own lives get stuck waiting and holding their breath hoping the person who dumped them will return. Meanwhile, her life has moved on.

 

So I suggest you contact her to see if she is interested, and to see where her life is right now. And if she has moved on, then it is time to let go and start looking for a real girl rather than just a fantasy girl.

[One day]

Hey Mez,

 

How are you doing fella. Hmmm that is the big question, people do move on that's all I'm worried about you contacting her, if you get rejection how would you react?....Get closure from it or have the world come crashing back down on you? The latter I would step away from any contact it's just not worth the heartache.

 

Belated Happy Christmas Mes and kudos on the photo.

[sportsguy9981]

Yeah some people get engaged in 3 months, its been a year thats quite awhile. Good luck though if you want to go down that road of contacting her.

[mesmerized]

Hey Mez,

 

How are you doing fella. Hmmm that is the big question, people do move on that's all I'm worried about you contacting her, if you get rejection how would you react?....Get closure from it or have the world come crashing back down on you? The latter I would step away from any contact it's just not worth the heartache.

 

Belated Happy Christmas Mes and kudos on the photo.

 

most probably I'd get the world come crashing back down on me... but what other choice do I have? I keep thinking about her, not much has really changed since the break-up... as a matter of fact I was thinking of staying low for a bit longer and then... once she's back in our homeland I could ask her out... in the meantime I could keep my fingers crossed that she doesn't forget me...

[mesmerized]

Yeah some people get engaged in 3 months, its been a year thats quite awhile. Good luck though if you want to go down that road of contacting her.

 

I guess I have no other choice. I can't imagine myself with somebody else and I've already rejected 3 girls... No one gets even close to her, she's way to special to me..

[kuteknish]

what was so great about her that no other girl lives up? Did she break up with you? How long were you together?

[sportsguy9981]

Alright well what was the reason for the breakup? Was there any cheating? I miss my ex terribly after 3 months apart but she did cheat on me twice this year and the first time we got back together, the 2nd time she left me for the guy she cheated on me with.... so I really dont know if I see any future with her because of all that but I still want to talk to her really bad, I just cant and I need to force myself sometimes to move on and not think of her.

[One day]

most probably I'd get the world come crashing back down on me... but what other choice do I have? I keep thinking about her, not much has really changed since the break-up... as a matter of fact I was thinking of staying low for a bit longer and then... once she's back in our homeland I could ask her out... in the meantime I could keep my fingers crossed that she doesn't forget me...

 

Hi Mes,

 

I thought that would be your answer mate, and tbh it's a route best not trodden. Love and infatuation can blur the boundaries and be hard to distinguish. You might not feel it but you've come such a long way since I last heard from you and I know it's a cliched thing to say but keep on focusing on yourself and your recovery, you have a lot to offer.

 

Ok here's a hypothetical question for you let's say you did reconnect with your ex and got back together. Would you be yourself or would you mould yourself to comply with what you think your ex wants? and also how long would it be before the pain and hurt she put you through when you broke up would rear its ugly head? Could you deal with it?

 

I hope I'm not sounding harsh Mes but they are questions to think about and to answer for yourself.......hey I'm not saying never, people change and mature it was a big ask for both of you to form a relationship thousands of miles away from home, from family and friends.

[aw1992]

I'd say if you think you belong together then give it a shot...you'd hate waking up in 30 years time and wondering 'what if?', so I say go for it. And I guess if she says no then I guess you can say you tried to fight for what you thought was right, i'd then try and not contact her so slowly you could feel better - it's heart breaking, but sometimes in these situations you can't do anything. it's very sad, but it's life. I wish you the best of luck though!

[duke nukem]

Mes, buddy, przyjaciel (hope that's correct how are you? Is there any good news to be shared? I hope at least something is looking up for you. As for your situation, well, who knows. But I will say what you've said before about her lead me to believe she wasn't the best towards you, and you deserve someone better. You're at a low point man, and have been for a while. I know I fell back into a depressed state for quite some time.

 

But for whatever reason recently, things have been on the upswing and overall I'm feeling better. And this just goes to show that you being able to see things clearly can happen at any point. Because when we're down we never see things completely the way they are. You said you rejected 3 women recently? Are you sure it wasn't 30? With a mug like yours I'm surprised you can make it back home safely! But seriously, maybe you should try to casually date or at least befriend other women? It could turn out that it's what sets you straight and you end up finding the actual one (despite that being a movie myth but you get what I'm saying).

 

Find something new you would like to do or get more into something you already like. I know since I've gotten back into more productive activities and cut out the TV and games, things started improving for me as I don't think those things are mentally healthy. So just take things day-by-day and focus in on whatever may brighten things and if some darker thoughts show up then try to push them away and busy yourself with Poetics thoughts and actions. It takes a little effort but it helps prevent a person from getting into an emotional rut which is actually pretty addictive.

 

In short, I hope you can find some brighter days and hold onto them when they come along. And feel free to message me whenever if you'd like. I actually check in here often again Take care!

[mesmerized]

You said you rejected 3 women recently? Are you sure it wasn't 30? With a mug like yours I'm surprised you can make it back home safely! But seriously, maybe you should try to casually date or at least befriend other women?

 

Hey Duke and others,

 

Well, in all honesty I'm not such an eye-candy as you might suspect. Anyways, I find it very hard to meet new women and here in China I don't even find girls to be on the same wavelength (if that's the correct expression here) I hope you folks know what I mean. I'm just wondering why this one time I can't have a stroke of luck. Why can't me and her give it another shot? I don't really know how to initiate contact with her.

[duke nukem]

As a straight man, I would say you are the kind of guy I would think women would find attractive. For what it's worth.

 

 

Anywhoooo... in short Mes, you shouldn't. I know you want to but a couple things. First and foremost, it will do you no good at all. It may even make things worse for you. You may think--hell, I'd say we all think--that contacting someone will somehow give us the opportunity to sway their decision and win them back. It really does the opposite. It usually only serves to push the person away.

 

Second, it will hold you back from actually getting over it. Please don't get stuck in the thought of "If I get over it then I won't love him/her" or whatever the case may be. Really, getting over those feelings or at least keeping them well in line is a win-win. You won't have to worry about feeling down, and should the other person decide to try again well you can either go into it level headed or you'll have realized they aren't worth a smudge of effort and be none the worse declining.

 

And third point, I reiterate, it doesn't help either of you. I know I repeated it but it's that important. Honestly, refraining from contacting and time do in fact work. It isn't a straight line or instant but it's the only way to be able to heal so you can move on or if reconciliation should happen, you will be able to approach the relationship properly. And the other person won't forget about you if that's your worry. And if they did by some chance well then you lucked out because they are not the kind of person you want to be with! But if they want to communicate, they will contact you. And if you see her at work or about, keep the contact short and polite. And always appear happy, and not just when she's around. Fake it till you make it. It does help. And occupy your mind with positive thoughts and your hands with productive tasks. Both of those things do wonders to help improve your mental state.

 

I really hope you get a random kick of good energy. It happens!

[Elektra22]

For what it's worth Mes I say go for it. You have nothing to lose by asking her to give your relationship another chance, and the longer you wait, the more likely she will move on with someone else. At least this way you can move out of limbo one way or another- you'll know for sure whether she wants you back or not. If she does, then you have your heart's desire, and if not at least you can move on and know you won't regret having never tried at all and you have your closure. I wish you the very best and hope it works out for you!

[mesmerized]

As a straight man, I would say you are the kind of guy I would think women would find attractive.

 

I have no idea why it's so hard for me to meet and date women. In China it should be even easier. I don't know where the reason for that lies.

 

And the other person won't forget about you if that's your worry. And if they did by some chance well then you lucked out because they are not the kind of person you want to be with! But if they want to communicate, they will contact you. And if you see her at work or about, keep the contact short and polite. And always appear happy, and not just when she's around. Fake it till you make it.

 

Then when should I contact her? You said that the other person wouldn't forget about me. I'm sure she won't, but the big question here is when should we get in touch? Should I ask her if she wants to be in touch? I mean... I'm sure she won't get in touch with me first. According to what you said Duke, it seems to me that I should just bury this relationship and forget about re-establishing any connection.

 

I haven't seen her for over 4 months. During the first months after the break-up I did a lot of mistakes. We worked together and I did exactly the opposite of what you're advising me to do. I was miserable, weak and needed her attention. I think I did push her away.

 

In addition, I'm really fed up of being in this country (China) but right now I have no better alternative.

[winniethepooh]

most probably I'd get the world come crashing back down on me... but what other choice do I have?

You have two choices. Let it crash down on you or fight it off. I strongly suggest the second. It's already crashed down on you a year ago - you are a year further on towards getting out from under it. Do you really want to crawl back under it again?

 

I keep thinking about her, not much has really changed since the break-up... as a matter of fact I was thinking of staying low for a bit longer and then... once she's back in our homeland I could ask her out... in the meantime I could keep my fingers crossed that she doesn't forget me...

You sound weak and pathetic. Why do you think that would be more attractive to her than who you were when you first met?

 

You have an 83 page topic from June this year about your story? 83 pages!? And at the end you met another girl (was a bust), are drinking too much, and the hell rages on (your words).

 

Get out of that hell. Yourself. No way is she going to be interested in you while you're there, and she sure as hell isn't going to come back and drag you out.

 

Yes, you screwed up at the beginning, but you are way past any chance of unscrewing it up, and I suspect if there's any connection between you and her, she's using that against you to keep you buried in that pit of misery you're in.

 

I don't know how long you stayed living in the same apartment as her after the break up, but I think it would be safe for you to assume that for every month you did while you were miserable about her, you extended the time period before there was any chance of regaining any respect from her by 2-6 months. Do the math, that's the minimum time you should absolutely stay a long way away from her. Anytime you respond to anything from her, or contact her (even for Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday), you reset the clock to zero and start again.

 

I didn't read through everything you wrote (just the beginning, a bit of a middle, and last month's end) so if you think I'm way off base with my comments, I'll go back and read some more. But good grief, you sound like someone who just got dumped yesterday.

 

I guess I have no other choice.

Yes you do. But you're not interested because you're still in love with whats her name.

 

I can't imagine myself with somebody else

Because you're still hung up on her and your imagination is screwed. Get better and then see what you can imagine.

 

and I've already rejected 3 girls...

Reject 30 or 300 and then your world might look different. I don't mean be cruel to them about it, but change your perspective. How many girls did you meet in your life before you met the last one? And you didn't think she was the one at first anyway - you rejected her at the beginning no?

 

No one gets even close to her, she's way to special to me..

No one gets close because of where she is in your imagination, not because of who she is. And perhaps because of the connection you shared, but she broke it. It's up to her to try and fix it (she hasn't), and you to accept it (you haven't).

 

Fix yourself up, because even if she does come back to try and fix the connection or make a new one with you, you are too weak and miserable to help her, and you will be more likely to keep it broken or break it again.

 

Same thing applies when you meet someone else. You are going to be a drain on their energy because you're broken, and eventually it won't work, you won't want to, or they won't want to, or it will wobble along until it breaks. I don't mean shut yourself off from the world, that's no good either. But meet people in a way that you can deal with - hobbies, sports, coffee, drink (if you can keep that under control), but don't get all hung up on trying to find another relationship with someone. You'll fail because you'll compare everyone to your ex, and she is still a glowing angel in your head which no one else will measure up to.

 

Well, in all honesty I'm not such an eye-candy as you might suspect.

So what? There are lots of girls looking for someone who is not just or primarily eye-candy. Anyway, you don't have to be attractive to the world, just attractive to someone, and there are lots of someones you are attractive to. Find them. Or make yourself more attractive (physically or otherwise - just dragging a comb through your hair does that, there are other things you can do). Or both.

 

Anyways, I find it very hard to meet new women

Because of where you are emotionally and mentally, not geographically or biologically.

 

and here in China I don't even find girls to be on the same wavelength (if that's the correct expression here) I hope you folks know what I mean.

What wavelength is that? Miserable and heartbroken FM?

 

Ok, so they're Chinese. Meet them because they're Chinese and learn something about them. Change your focus from looking for a relationship with one of them to just meeting them and having a conversation with them.

 

I've met girls of other nationalities whom I didn't think I would be interested in because of their nationality, and been pleasantly surprised at how interested I was in them (because of who they are, not because of their nationality).

 

Anyway, there are also people in China who are not Chinese, lots of them. Find them, meet them.

 

I'm just wondering why this one time I can't have a stroke of luck.

Because you're unlucky and the universe wants you to be miserable. Fight back and tell it to sod off. Make your own luck.

 

Why can't me and her give it another shot?

Because. She. Doesn't. Want. To.

 

I don't really know how to initiate contact with her.

That's the best thing I've read on this thread. Don't try. Move on. When you're happy, and lucky, and feel on top of the world, then think about trying to find her and contact her (and wait another 6 months before you do if you do find her address or something).

[mesmerized]

You think it's that easy, don't you? Anyway, thanks for your comments. I just find one thing contradictory in all of this. If I'm not in touch with her, if you want me to stay away from her then how the hell am I supposed to remain in her circle of acquaintances? What, I'm gonna appear out of the blue one day and what, ask her out all of a sudden?

[winniethepooh]

I have no idea why it's so hard for me to meet and date women. In China it should be even easier. I don't know where the reason for that lies.

The reason is you. It's in your head. Ok, maybe there are logistics and cultural aspects that make things more difficult. I have "met someones" online recently in different cities. If I was going to your city or in your city, I don't think it would be so difficult to "meet someone" but I can do that because my head is in a different place. A year ago, perhaps even 6 months ago I doubt I could have "met someone"

 

At least you're thinking about meeting someone else, even if you don't want to. That's a small step forward. Keep taking small steps forward, none backwards.

 

Of course, "meeting someone" is a whole lot different from "meeting the one" but I'm not focused on that right now, and neither should you be. "The One" will find you soon enough, just make sure you're not such a miserable bastard that she runs away, and that you can recognize her and not get screwed around.

 

Then when should I contact her?

Never, unless I have misunderstood something badly from your original story, or there's something significant left out, or something significant happens (the end of the world and you want to make a Hollywood movie with her).

 

You said that the other person wouldn't forget about me.

She won't. So what?

 

I'm sure she won't, but the big question here is when should we get in touch?

No, the big question is when are you going to get better so that if you do get in touch, she's not dealing with an invalid?

 

Should I ask her if she wants to be in touch?

No.

 

I mean... I'm sure she won't get in touch with me first.

I'm sure she won't either. But she might, and you're in big trouble if she does that in the next 6-12 months.

 

According to what you said Duke, it seems to me that I should just bury this relationship and forget about re-establishing any connection.

I'm not Duke but I agree. Sort of. I'll explain. Whether or not that's the best thing to do is unknown. Certainly no one on this forum can possibly know that, because they're only getting your side of the story. You can't possibly know that because you're messed up emotionally and mentally. You desperately want to believe that because then you have hope, and without that hope you will die inside (you feel like you're almost there anyway). You need to move on to have hope for something else, something better for you (and you're better for them).

 

It's not your relationship which has to die and be buried, it's your belief in a relationship that has already died. She killed it (well mostly her I think). You cannot resurrect it. So you have to believe that the relationship is dead and buried, and you're a long way from that. That's why people do the NC thing, because by acting like it is dead and buried, eventually you will believe it is dead and buried. And then and only then, are you in a position to mentally figure out whether or not it really is dead and buried, or perhaps there's a chance - but most importantly, you don't care either way, because you've finally got to a point where your life is better without her, one way or another.

 

I haven't seen her for over 4 months. During the first months after the break-up I did a lot of mistakes.

You made a few mistakes before the break up too.

 

We worked together and I did exactly the opposite of what you're advising me to do. I was miserable, weak and needed her attention. I think I did push her away.

Yes, you probably did. I think by now (or as of 4 months ago) it was crystal clear to her that you regretted how you behaved. But you being miserable, weak, and needy was unattractive. It's not until you get clarity and emotional stability again that you will be able to rationally see if you deserved to get dumped because of that or not.

 

In addition, I'm really fed up of being in this country (China) but right now I have no better alternative.

You're fed up because you're miserable. You were excited about going there in the first place. Find some things to do or see that you were excited about. You won't be now because of your state, but they will be small steps towards getting better again.

 

Yes, sure, there are things about living in China that will drive you mad. But anywhere has its good and bad points. The worst thing for you at the moment is not China, it's you. Fix it.

 

And in the meantime, find better alternatives. They are not going to fall out of the sky and land on you.

[Reflective82]

Winnie your advice is inspirational

[winniethepooh]

You think it's that easy, don't you?

I absolutely and very painfully know from experience it's not. So does anyone else saying similar things to you.

 

Anyway, thanks for your comments. I just find one thing contradictory in all of this. If I'm not in touch with her, if you want me to stay away from her

I don't want you to. I'm telling you what my opinion is if you want to get better. If you don't want to get better, or don't think my opinion is worth listening to, then contact her.

 

then how the hell am I supposed to remain in her circle of acquaintances?

Not sure I follow. You haven't seen her for 4 months but you are still in her circle of acquaintances? Find another circle.

 

What, I'm gonna appear out of the blue one day and what, ask her out all of a sudden?

No. You're not going to care anymore and you're going to find the desire to do that disappears. I know you don't want to lose that desire, which is why you're focused on an endgame of somehow contacting her and everything will be ok again. It might be, there are stories where that has happened, but they are few and far between, and they happen when both people changed their focus from an endgame with each other to moving on. They don't happen because one person in an emotionally weak and vulnerable state plans it out that way.

 

I'm where you want to be (or should want to be), and I've been where you are. Now that I'm here, I don't want to contact her, and I hope (sort of, ugh) she doesn't contact me (for a long time I hoped she would), because I suspect that she still has the power to kick me right back to the beginning again, no matter how much I pretend otherwise. I will keep pretending until reality catches up.

 

I also have some perspectives and information specific to her that changed things significantly for me, and probably not relevant to your situation. But my point with saying that is that your perspective will probably change over time.

[winniethepooh]

Winnie your advice is inspirational

Thanks

[Reflective82]

If you have any time to read my threads please go and smack some sense into me haha. Although I already know my ex isn't coming back and that I won't be getting any more explanations other than "I don't love you anymore"

[mesmerized]

No. You're not going to care anymore and you're going to find the desire to do that disappears. I know you don't want to lose that desire, which is why you're focused on an endgame of somehow contacting her and everything will be ok again. It might be, there are stories where that has happened, but they are few and far between, and they happen when both people changed their focus from an endgame with each other to moving on. They don't happen because one person in an emotionally weak and vulnerable state plans it out that way.

 

What is the point then? I can get better anyway. I DO want to be with that woman and build another relationship IF she'd be willing to try (and I respect her every decision and that won't change) It looks like the whole idea here is to get rid of that desire to be with her. Where is the idea to fight for her if I get better/stronger? Please refer to this part.

 

Why is it so hard to understand that she's the ONE? I have never been in many relationships because I never truly felt that something. And this time is different. I know myself. I'm not saying that in some blind way. Is it 100% fault that my brain didn't function well enough and I went into a deep depression? Partly it is. Just partly. And now I'm supposed to leave her behind because my brain ****ed me up.

 

PS. There's one more thing. I've always been an introvert and it's not easy for me to mix up with people. I'm quite confident about myself, I also know my drawbacks. Being 29 years makes me feel down at times... I put a lot of mental effort into that relationship at the beginning. I don't want to be alone till the last day on this god-forsaken planet.