nearly 1 year after the break-up I can't think of anyone else... help...

[PurpleRomantic]

What is the point then? I can get better anyway. I DO want to be with that woman and build another relationship IF she'd be willing to try (and I respect her every decision and that won't change)

 

...snip...

 

PS. There's one more thing. I've always been an introvert and it's not easy for me to mix up with people. I'm quite confident about myself, I also know my drawbacks. Being 29 years makes me feel down at times... I put a lot of mental effort into that relationship at the beginning. I don't want to be alone till the last day on this god-forsaken planet.

 

Mesmerized, I think reading that part of your last post is helping me to understand my own feelings. I'm in my late 20s as well, and thinking to myself, "dude, this guy is just entering the prime of his life! Why is he worried about being alone for the next 60+ years? Then I realized that the exact same thought should apply to my own situation. We have so much time, and the here and now needs to be spent healing.

 

Do I still pine for my lost love? Yes. Do you? Absolutely. Will it get better? Only if we make it so.

 

...had to edit and throw this in as well...

 

People also see me as confident and assured. In reality I'm actually an introvert. So I do get what you say about having a hard time with other folks. It's always easy to talk with people, but so hard to connect on a deeper level at times.

[Loveandlost]

Dear all,

 

It's been nearly a year since the break-up. We're not really in touch although I got birthday wishes from her and I sent some wishes for Christmas. I know you folks don't believe in the whole "the only one" theory, but she's the girl I truly wish I could be with. Is there a chance for people to reconcile after some time? Can I magically charm her into another shot?

 

Its been a year... tough love time

 

Theres no way to charm her at all, relationships take two people who both want to be in it and like it or not she doesnt want to be with you, she doesnt love you, and doesnt want a relationship with you.

 

You are obsessed with your past. You have her on a pedestal and you are not allowing yourself to put yourself first... I am sure you truly believe that this girl is the one, we all have felt that way about our exes at one point.

 

Your ex is not special, shes not unique, there are 300 billion people on this planet and tens if not hundreds of thousands of them have the same qualities you find so wonderful about your ex.

 

Oh and just because you think that she is your "one", doesnt mean that you are her "one"...

 

 

Move on, stop being hung up on someone you used to know.

[winniethepooh]

What is the point then?

What is the point of what?

 

Contacting her? None that I can see.

 

Not contacting her? You will get better, and she MIGHT become less delusional about you, but at the moment you are validating and living into her delusions (they should be delusions) about your availability. If she has any that is - I think it's more likely she's moved on.

 

I can get better anyway.

Yes, and that's what you should be doing.

 

I DO want to be with that woman

But that woman doesn't want to be with you. Does she not have a choice in the matter too? Or do you want to own her like a television?

 

and build another relationship IF she'd be willing to try (and I respect her every decision and that won't change)

Then show that you respect her and her decision by continuing to leave her alone, and getting on with your own life.

 

She clearly doesn't want to try, and she clearly isn't even willing to try, let alone whether she wants to or not. You are willing and you want to, and I think that has been made very clear to her over the past year up to 4 months ago. So she knows, and if she is willing or wants to try, then she is an imbecile for not making more of an effort when you wanted to.

 

And if you have a relationship with an imbecile, you will either become an imbecile also, or the relationship will fall apart. Or both.

 

It looks like the whole idea here is to get rid of that desire to be with her.

Isn't that what you want? It's what you need to do whether you like it or not.

 

Where is the idea to fight for her if I get better/stronger? Please refer to this part.

There is no suggestion of fighting for her, from me anyway. Whether now or in the future. This is not the dark ages when knights on horses rescued damsels in distress from dragons. Anyway, the state you're in, I think you'd fall off the horse.

 

Why is it so hard to understand that she's the ONE?

It's not hard to understand why you feel that way. Get rid of those feelings, then see if you still think that way. I've been there (more than once), I'm sure many or most people on this forum have.

 

But she's not "The One", otherwise aside from anything else, she would have made it clear to you that she is willing to try.

 

I have never been in many relationships because I never truly felt that something. And this time is different. I know myself. I'm not saying that in some blind way.

We all say that sort of thing. Feelings are deceptive manipulative things. Crush them and then see what you think, because your feelings are holding you back from living.

 

Is it 100% fault that my brain didn't function well enough and I went into a deep depression? Partly it is. Just partly.

Maybe. Maybe it's her fault. You are not in a position to apportion blame for your depression until you can think clearly about things. For now, any depression you feel is something you need to deal with because it is slowing you down and affecting your life. If you weren't depressed before you met her, then you can get back to not being depressed again. If you were, then maybe there's a medical issue you need to investigate more seriously.

 

And now I'm supposed to leave her behind because my brain ****ed me up.

No, you're supposed to leave her alone because she doesn't want to be with you. Maybe she ****ed you up. If that's the case, that's a seriously good reason to stay away from her.

 

PS. There's one more thing. I've always been an introvert and it's not easy for me to mix up with people.

So what? You want her to feel sorry for you and be with you because of that? You want me to feel sorry for you and not be so blunt with my posts?

 

I'm the same (I wouldn't be surprised if a greater proportion of people on this forum are than in real life - it's easier for an introvert to say what they think online than in real life). I am what I am. You are what you are. Accept it and embrace it, or change it. Don't whine about it.

 

I'm quite confident about myself,

Good. Then sound like it and act like it. But get better whatever you do. If you're not, and she comes back, she will run away again before you know it.

 

I also know my drawbacks.

Also good. Accept them or change them.

 

Being 29 years makes me feel down at times...

No. The break-up and not getting back together, and whatever other nonsense she did or didn't tell you, is getting you down far more than being 29.

 

You're a man. From 28 or so to about 35 is a good age to be a man, no matter what you are looking for from women, as long as you get your **** together. Don't waste that time being miserable. And don't let yourself get screwed around by someone who doesn't want to make an effort (but if you meet someone like that, don't screw them around either). Once you've got out of this rut, and stayed that way for a few months, and met a few more women, and then you say she was "The One", then it might sound more believable to others.

 

I put a lot of mental effort into that relationship at the beginning.

What does that mean? You thought about it a lot? But I thought you said in another topic how you made some mistakes or something at the beginning.

 

I don't want to be alone till the last day on this god-forsaken planet.

You won't be if you make an effort not to be. But you will not be immediately rewarded for those efforts either, it will take time. Because as you get to know someone at the moment, your depression will be apparent, and put them off, and they will fade away, but hopefully they will have made a little bit of positive difference to your life, and who knows, maybe you will make a little bit of positive difference to them (unless they're also depressed, then you can both happily wallow in depression together until one of you gets out ... and leaves the other one behind). Then you'll meet other people, and you'll be slightly less depressed, and the connection will be better, and so on.

 

You're in a dark place by the sounds of it. You need to get out, and she is not your escape route, you are. Everything you do right now boils down to two simple choices. Does it help you move forwards (without her), or not?

[Blue Wolf]

Great insights winniethepooh! I think you are right. It is really difficult to execute at first, but eventually we will be back to our self-sufficient selves. Thank you mate, simply inspiring like Reflective82 said.

[saluk]

Stop thinking/believing that she's the one. It's bull****. What makes a relationship great is not the individual but the new creation that forms out of what two people put into that relationship. If you put a lot into the relationship and she didn't, guess what - good news. What you really loved about the relationship has less to do with her and more to do with you. When you, someday, find a girl who can put in the same effort as you, it will be even better. You may think that it can't be better with someone new, but it can. I have a friend who was dumped at the alter, cried about it for 2 years, and then found a new relationship and they've been married for almost a year and she's about to have a kid. She is really happy, thinks the world of this man, and is actually happy that the first relationship didn't work out. (She happens to be my exes sister in law, her story has given me hope as I've navigated my own breakup). I have another friend who went through a divorce, I was just at her 2nd wedding. She couldn't be happier, and the man she is with is perfect for her. A much better fit than her ex-husband (and I knew him and still really like him).

 

In the first case, the girl who was left at the alter, she didn't even want to be in a relationship with this other man. She turned him down several times and made him wait quite a long time before she felt she was ready to give it a try. The other girl dated many other guys and struggled with the divorce etc along the way. It wasn't easy for either of them and wont be easy for you.

 

The most important thing is to find a way to happiness. You want to believe that she's the one and that you can get her back because you think that's the way to happiness but it's not. The way to happiness has nothing to do with her and everything to do with yourself. You have to change your beliefs, and that starts by changing your thoughts. She wasn't the one. There is a better girl out there. You don't need a woman to be happy. China may be a hard place to live but there are things to do there that can interest you if you try. By keeping your eye so focused on your ex you don't know what you are missing that may be right in front of you.

[mesmerized]

Thank you all for your posts. I keep going through them over and over again and yet there's one question nobody has answered yet. Yes, I agree that happiness should be within me and it depends on me, not on her. Yes, I do have to get stronger and pull myself together. But the big question is... what if I still want to give it a shot after some time? What if one day I wake up and decide to make sure that I've done everything I could? I mean... what if? You all seem to be so absolutely certain that the best thing to do is to remove her from my life. What if one year later I'll want to grab a beer with her, huh?

[iamkaylee]

If you make an honest effort at following everyone's advice on this thread and you're still hung up on this girl a year from today then you're still deluding yourself.

 

Stop with the "what if". Focus on what IS. Which is she. does. not. want. you.

 

What if could be anything including hit by a bus tomorrow. Or in China, hit by a motorscooter seems more likely from the youtube videos I've seen.

 

You you really, really must do "what if" then how about this then.

 

What if some other girl that is truly meant to be your One is out there right now and you might just be passing her by because you are so obsessed with a girl that actually was not the One after all.

 

The only one keeping you stuck on the hamster wheel is you.

[winniethepooh]

Thank you all for your posts. I keep going through them over and over again and yet there's one question nobody has answered yet. Yes, I agree that happiness should be within me and it depends on me, not on her. Yes, I do have to get stronger and pull myself together. But the big question is... what if I still want to give it a shot after some time? What if one day I wake up and decide to make sure that I've done everything I could? I mean... what if? You all seem to be so absolutely certain that the best thing to do is to remove her from my life. What if one year later I'll want to grab a beer with her, huh?

That's 4 questions. I did answer them. They are not the big question (or questions).

 

You have not done everything you could, that's true. But the only things left for you to do are fantasy, insane, mad, manipulative, abusive, threatening, or all of the above. You have done everything rational and reasonable, and then some. Far too much. That is what is important.

 

The scales are tipped way too far in her favor. You can leave them alone, or upset the balance more. You can't get the balance back on your own - anything you do will upset the balance more. Anything - even just thinking about her or looking at her Facebook or trying to find her. The universe is just waiting for you to do things like that and will slap you down like a fly if you do.

 

The big question is what are you going to do today, not in one year? And today you are going to do things for yourself to help get better and move on. The same thing tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. Until you naturally wake up in the mornings thinking about something (or someone or someones) other than her.

 

I know it's not easy. I've been struggling for 18 months, and still struggle with it (well, struggle is not really the right word now, it's much easier now).

 

Worry about answering the question of whether or not to have a beer with her in a year's time, not now. But for f***s sake, don't live for that bloody beer with her in a year's time, otherwise you will be in just the same place you are now, or worse.

 

And before you even think about sending that invite to her, update this thread first ... in a year's time, with why you think it's a good idea to invite her for that beer.

[mesmerized]

people do get back together but according to what you said the only way to follow is to remove my EX from my head as if she never existed.

 

if I get better and I want to meet up with her I see no reason why I shouldn't. not every one must follow the same scenario and it's not about being stuck on the hamster wheel for god's sake! what's so wrong about the idea of going out for a beer if I get better? if I see her and the world doesn't crush on me then I suppose I'll be the winner anyway.

 

So, I'll repeat my question... what if I still want to give it a shot after some time?

[mesmerized]

Anything - even just thinking about her or looking at her Facebook or trying to find her.

 

But I don't!!! I don't think about her every single second, I don't even check her FB account! Gosh.

 

I just don't understand why you seem to be saying that there's no way for two people to meet up after some time!

[winniethepooh]

So, I'll repeat my question... what if I still want to give it a shot after some time?

My answer is the same no matter how many times you repeat the question. What is apparent is that you are not reading the same thing that I am writing.

 

Nothing wrong with going out for a beer with her if you're better (well, I still think there is, but that's a different story to worry about at the time, not now). But by focusing on that damn beer in a year's time, you are going to stop yourself from getting better, no matter how much you think otherwise.

 

Did you have conversations like this with her?

[iamkaylee]

Getting better means you are indifferent to her. That makes going out and getting a beer with her pointless.

 

Still wanting to go get a beer with her a year from now means you're not indifferent to her and still want to have some small part in her life. What makes that wrong is the fact that she doesn't want you there.

[mesmerized]

My answer is the same no matter how many times you repeat the question. What is apparent is that you are not reading the same thing that I am writing.

 

In all honesty, what I got from different posts of yours is not one clear answer to that question.

 

Did you have conversations like this with her?

 

What she said once when asked about the future was something along these lines: "I don't know what will happen, what the future might bring, nobody knows that, I'm not saying that we won't get back together one day and I'm not saying we will either. Maybe it's too late for that"

[mesmerized]

Getting better means you are indifferent to her. That makes going out and getting a beer with her pointless.

 

Still wanting to go get a beer with her a year from now means you're not indifferent to her and still want to have some small part in her life. What makes that wrong is the fact that she doesn't want you there.

 

And what makes your reasoning possibly wrong is that one year from now god knows what might happen. If we go out for a beer and have good time together (even as friends) then there's nothing wrong about that, is there.

[iamkaylee]

And what makes your reasoning possibly wrong is that one year from now god knows what might happen. If we go out for a beer and have good time together (even as friends) then there's nothing wrong about that, is there.

 

My reasoning is based on your own obsession with this girl and your feelings about her.

 

If you can truly go have a beer with her as friends, have a good time and walk away from it seeing it for what it IS, which is a beer, a chat, a laugh and nothing more, then no, there is nothing wrong with it.

 

That IS indifference. It might make for a pleasant evening, but it will not matter to you if it happens one way or another.

 

Mes, I get it, I really do. But clinging to a false hope of what if isn't helping you. You can't control what if and if only. Like I said before, start looking at what IS. Only then can you move forward.

[mesmerized]

If you can truly go have a beer with her as friends, have a good time and walk away from it seeing it for what it IS, which is a beer, a chat, a laugh and nothing more, then no, there is nothing wrong with it.

 

That IS indifference. It might make for a pleasant evening, but it will not matter to you if it happens one way or another.

 

I know it might sound unbelievable but there are days when I'm absolutely certain I could go out with her and remain emotionless. I think that I do realize we probably won't be together again... it's just that I kind of wish she could be part of my life in some way. Just being friends could be enough.

[duke nukem]

Alright I skimmed over a lot of stuff. Winnie, you sure do like to talk and thank heavens for that because what you say is worth every word. And Mes, don't think about the future, don't think about the what-ifs and could-bes. Focus on the now, and on you. Not her, not the guy who sells those greasy ducks in the shop window, just you. Concentrate your energy on improving yourself and pushing out any kind of downer thoughts. Start thinking about the relationship? Focus on something else and follow the new thought. It works.

 

It's addictive, the melancholy feelings and thoughts. It's the darn chemicals in the brain. They get addictive like any other substance but you can't tell. But notice that one down thought leads to another, and as much as you want to tell yourself that you want to be over it, secretly there's a part of you that doesn't. I think it's the more romantic aspect of our character as people, formed in part by what we're told growing up through stories and movies. That the hero--being each of us from our own view point--will get the girl or be the savior of the town or whatever.

 

Well, that's fiction pushed on us throughout history because hey, who wants to hear a story where the main character loses? And since it's so prevalent, it becomes a perceived reality. Just like the whole "The One" trope is. It's a farce like the story book themes I previously mentioned. This isn't to say that someone is an excellent match for you, just that if it wasn't them, then it would have been someone else making for a slightly different experience. Yes there's a million other fish in the sea, and yes there is only one of a specific fish--er, person. Merperson? But that isn't to say that there are no other mermaids/men that would compliment you just as well if not better. It's that coming to this realization is damn hard! You can understand and accept it mentally, but it takes time until you accept it emotionally. Truly.

 

So break free of your bonds! Those chains which you form of your own sadness. For only you gold the key to your freedom, and therefore your fate. Should you place that key in the hands of someone else, then your life is doomed to be one of imprisonment based on the decisions of another.

 

Also, after reading your latest post, I don't think you just want to be in her life, even something days. It isn't selfish to think like that, it's realizing what you value, which would be a relationship, not a friendship alone. Because the friendship would be in hopes of more and as such a lie. Monologue aside now, think about any people you dated previously. Do you really yearn so much to be a part of their life? Not likely, at least not so strongly. It's the love of the idea, not so much the person that makes you feel this way. It is!

[iamkaylee]

I know it might sound unbelievable but there are days when I'm absolutely certain I could go out with her and remain emotionless. I think that I do realize we probably won't be together again... it's just that I kind of wish she could be part of my life in some way. Just being friends could be enough.

 

Unbelievable, no.

 

Still getting over her \ it and clinging desperately to any tiny little smideon hope of anything you can, yes.

 

We all take our own time to get over a breakup and we're all different in the ways we go about doing it. One thing though that is universal is acceptance. Until you accept that it is truly over and you're no longer a part of her life, ANY part, and never will be again, you're going to stay hung up on her and holding out something for that "what if".

[mesmerized]

I think that most of the posts here are based on the assumption that I feel desperate every day to get her back. I don't. In all honesty, if she finds a man and feels happy with him then I'll feel OK with that. It's fine. What I'm trying to tell you is that it is possible to build a new relationship with the same person. I know three couples like that... each of them followed the same pattern... a relationship, a break-up, a time gap, a new relationship.

[duke nukem]

I think that most of the posts here are based on the assumption that I feel desperate every day to get her back. I don't. In all honesty, if she finds a man and feels happy with him then I'll feel OK with that. It's fine. What I'm trying to tell you is that it is possible to build a new relationship with the same person. I know three couples like that... each of them followed the same pattern... a relationship, a break-up, a time gap, a new relationship.

 

Obviously it's possible, but you should always assume it won't happen. That doesn't mean that you necessarily close your mind off from the idea should it happen, but assume it won't and work to move on. Ironically, this would end up giving you the best chance of it happening and it succeeding. However it needs to be pressed that the whole idea is moving on and healing yourself and taking what may come as it will. I myself am potentially open to the idea of trying again with my ex should the opportunity arise, but more and more I'm finding that I'd rather try with someone new because my ex wasn't by any means perfect. And you know what? This gradual loss of feelings which I so feared (ironic, yes) is actually a great feeling! It's so liberating to be able ti hold the reins if your emotions and not worry about someone else's life!

 

If that helps. I hope it does because really, what no one ever says--or we don't hear--is that the feeling of moving on and not being so enamored with the idea of someone is pretty amazing.

 

 

Post thought- Also Mes, reconciliations don't happen when both people haven't healed and fully moved on. At least they don't last and people's end up more hurt. And sometimes it takes a long time. I know a guy who got divorced, he and his wife got remarried, both got divorced again and then they got back together. The total time apart was about 7 years. So most reunions take a substantial amount of time should they happen.

 

Probably shouldn't even bother to say that because I don't want to build ideas but I won't lie. But the key point is both people need to be completely overall one another and each have mended their issues. Usually people don't get back together because they don't want to. Both parties. Because they realize that their ex wasn't so great. And Mes, from what you've told us I think you deserve better.

[duke nukem]

Haha! This is funny. When typing that last post I imagined the smell of chlorine which somehow reminded me of running indoor track with the ex. You know, memories. But really, if you just quash the thoughts when they come up you really save yourself.

 

Off topic sure but it made me laugh!

[iamkaylee]

I think that most of the posts here are based on the assumption that I feel desperate every day to get her back. I don't. In all honesty, if she finds a man and feels happy with him then I'll feel OK with that. It's fine. What I'm trying to tell you is that it is possible to build a new relationship with the same person. I know three couples like that... each of them followed the same pattern... a relationship, a break-up, a time gap, a new relationship.

 

Is it possible, yes. But that doesn't mean it will always happen nor that it even SHOULD happen.

 

You're still grasping at straws.

[iamkaylee]

Mes do you know the five stages of grief?

 

We all go through it to some degree whenever we suffer a loss of some kind.

 

It really sounds like you're firmly stuck going between "denial" and "bargaining" with the latter prevailing.

[mesmerized]

Maybe, but all of your posts seem to assume the negative scenario... How about you have a look at this pic? link removed

[iamkaylee]

I assume nothing insofar as what may or may not happen in a year's time beyond what I know I can control or what is inevitable. What I am saying is neither should you and concentrating on those possibilities is stopping you from moving forward in the here and now. I happen to be a very future oriented person so practicing what I preach here is not easy.

 

She's not giving you any indication she wants to maintain any type of relationship with you at all. So for now, accept that and move on. In a year, if you still want to meet up for a beer, by all means, call her up and ask.

 

You say you're OK if she has a new guy and she's happy with him. Well, what if that guy doesn't like her being in touch with you and you possibly stirring up old feelings? Will you be OK with that, respect his wishes and leave her alone then? Or will you keep holding out hope that just maybe, you can still keep that tiny bit of involvement with her. Again, acceptance.

 

If you do call her up in a year to meet up for that beer and she says no or ignores you, what will you do then? Wait another year or keep calling? Try again in another years time? At some point, you have to say enough and walk away. Again, acceptance.

 

I looked at your photo. I can agree with all of it to a degree and even add a few things. It all depends on context though and nearly everything can be twisted or rationalized to suit our purposes.

 

I'm not unsympathetic to how you feel and I do understand what you're saying. The point you're missing though is that it takes two to want it. Right now, you're the only one that does. You can't guarantee she will change her mind over the next year when thus far, she hasn't. So hedge your bets that she won't and find the next One. That's not assuming negativity, that's seeing reality from an outsider's perspective.