I'm falling for a guy who wants to be a woman.

[turnthepage]

Hi,

 

We have met at college, it is our first year. We are both a fair bit older than the average student having decided to rejoin academia later in life.

 

We met through a mutual friend. About 20 of us had a night out together where we got drunk, had so much fun and told eachother we liked eachother. I didn't see him for a couple of weeks then, then the next time we saw each other we ended up together for the night. We'd had quite a lot to drink again. We were just talking in bed, when he confessed that he could not be with me. I did not coax anything out of him but he told me he has gender dysphoria and that he is in the wrong body. I was open minded and said yes, we probably can't be together. I was quite drunk and hazy but I certainly didn't judge him.

 

I sent him a couple of messages just saying if he ever wanted to talk then I would listen. We bumped into eachother a couple of weeks later in a club and ended up together again. He said that he was embarrassed so hadn't been in contact with me. It was clear that he was scared of me and what I knew even though I am a good person, and I made it clear I wanted to be there for him. He emotionally declined that. We saw eachother here and there after that. I asked him out for drinks with my friend and I just to show him that I want to be there for him, he always turned it down. I again just sent him the odd message just saying I was there if he needed anything at all. He ignored them.

 

Last week however, I got a FB message out of the blue saying that I was right and that he would love to talk and that he had to face up to the fact he is in the wrong body. I was relieved as I had been so worried. I admit, I had feelings for him as we've had this weird chemistry from day one but I was determined to be his friend and to help him. He seemed happy. Anyway for the next week we spoke almost all day every day. At work, while studying, at three in the morning. He would text me saying how amazing i was and that if he hadn't have been so confused he would have been more willing to pursue me. Due to how he was feeling I was sure he didn't feel anything for me and tried to speak with him like i would a girlfriend. Lots of "sweetie" and kisses. I can't lie, after a few days it was very clear it had became deeper and I couldn't stop thinking about us. He would text me when in college. Then, last weekend I saw our mutual friend and I was texting him and told him to join us. I was quite drunk, him not so much. As soon as he got there he was holding my hand, hugging me, would not leave my sight all night. Things escalated to the point we ended up back at his and he told me that we had to establish boundaries as we have feelings for eachother and that he can't be with me as I will never accept him as ultimately, he wants to completely change and become a woman. He is sure of this. He also maintains he is attracted to women. I feel so bad for him as I can't imagine the pain he is in and I know I am not helping.

 

I have seen him twice since. Once in a coffee shop we were both with separate friends. He just stared at me from afar I could feel his eyes on me but he would look away when I looked at him. I text him saying that things can be okay and that I can be there for him and he said he is not feeling too well and that he wants to be alone to get through it. I feel so worried about him. I have tried to be there for him but we have this insane chemistry that draws us both in. I know that I am not attracted to women and that he deserves a good friend to encourage him in ways nobody else has, but it has got to the point now where I am not sure how to not have feelings for him. When I see him, my heart just jumps.

 

(Nb. I know I say "he" but he believes he is a woman. I have not seen this side of him yet and perhaps when I do my feelings will disappear). It upsets me to think of someone in such turmoil and i have a feeling he will ignore me again now until he wants to talk about it. There's only so much "let me be there for you" that I can do and now it is all so complicated. His family and college friends don't know so I have to be there for him.

)

 

Also, generally I of course would go NC but I have these moral obligatory feelings that won't allow me to leave someone feeling this alone. With my hand on my heart, even without my feelings, as a good person I feel the need to help him so I can't just walk away.

I guess I just want someone to tell me to forget him and to enjoy a new girlfriend and the opportunity to really change someone's life.

[Angel Irulan]

Here I am to tell you to forget him. You are headed on the wrong path with this guy. Having him as as friend while you have these crushy feelings for him is a no no.

 

Do NC and leave it be!

 

Angel

[turnthepage]

I would absolutely love to do that, honestly! I really would, I am in my first year of college.. I would be fine! But I can't do it as he needs someone. I feel like I need to be there for him as he is facing such tough times. Even without my feelings, just as a good person I feel it is awful of me to walk away. But we cannot keep doing this. And I find it hard to be picked up and put down when he pleases.

 

Thankyou for your response, i really appreciate it!

[Mistykitty]

I guess I'm a bit confused.

You have feelings for this person, but don't want to date him because he's transgender? Well, then that's your choice and nobody here will tell you otherwise.

If he doesn't want to date you because of it, then that's his problem. Wanting to have someone around who has feelings for you just when YOU want them ("friendzoning" as they call it, I suppose) is hurtful, regardless of the situation. Its really your call

[Angel Irulan]

No, you don't get it, I know you are a kind and warm hearted person, and I feel for you. But this is not about you and you are trying to make it about you. It's about him and his personality glitch. He needs to figure out who he is. With you he's likely to be more confused. Don't get in the way. Just leave.

 

Angel

[Blue92]

Hooking up together isn't going to help either one of you. I think your leading eachother on and it could end very badly when feelings change.

[RedDress]

I'm not trying to hurt you - just point something out that you may not have thought of (and I already know it's going to come out a little wrong)...

 

I'm not really sure that you have feelings for him. I mean... I think you are interested/fascinated by him. I think that you see a wounded person and want to be a hero and help... but... you kind of have to respect someone's decision when they say they don't want help. You can't push yourself on them and force them to take help from you...

 

And how can you have feelings for or develop a relationship with someone who doesn't even know who THEY are yet? I mean... he needs space to figure that out and figure out how to proceed. You can't really "help" someone to figure that out - those are pretty serious decisions that he has to come to on his own. The only true help you can provide is to listen. And truthfully, he'd be better to get that guidance from a trained professional who has experience in all of the road bumps he'll have along the way.

 

So - what we're left with, the way you can be most effective, is as a friend. But... if he doesn't want you as a friend (no matter how open-minded or compassionate you are)... you can't be a friend.

 

Sorry... but I think you are chasing someone who is not interested. Regardless of the fact that he might have other things to work through... I think he's just not all that interested and you should stop chasing him.

[Piano]

You have told him several times that you want to be there for him and he's said no. I agree completely with RedDress, you are chasing somebody who is not interested at all in you. He has issues that he has to resolve by himself, let him do that. Turning away is the best thing you can do, for your sake and also for his.

[rask]

Unfortunately... you gotta let this guy go.

 

If you had started out just as friends, he confessed this to you, and you were there in a supportive way for him, it would be different.

 

But lines are getting blurred with the hooking up and it's not doing either of you any good. I understand why you fell for him, in a way. If my best girlfriend was a guy, I would totally be dating her. So in a way you have this guy who's like a girl friend, but still a man?

 

He has a point. You probably wont accept him once he decides to really become a woman. This isn't fair to either of you, and as much as you want to help him, you can't.

[itsallgrand]

Out of the two of you, you seem more confused than he.

 

He has been very clear and knows that even though right now in his life, he is choosing to live as a male, he ultimately identifies himself as a female.

He also has been very clear that he does not want a relationship with you, and will not pursue that. A lot of very legit reasons for that, and I think this person has been about as honest as can be expected from a person who you are getting to know!

 

It's you who is confusing the situation. First, by thinking of him as a person who needs someone desperately, who can't take care of himself. I personally find that to be the opposite of being a nice person - it's trying to be the hero, disregarding the facts here (he seems pretty together, and pretty honest with himself and with someone he chose to sleep with!). That is more about you, not him.

 

If you really want to do him a favor and be a good person (always hated that term "nice") - be honest. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with him.

 

You can't be his friend platonically. You want more. You can't have it. Oh well. He'll live, I swear! I'm sure you are wonderful, but the man can handle himself. He'll live.

 

The issue seems more to be how are you going to get over your feelings for him? Maybe he made a mistake sleeping with you, but you were there too, and the second time around, what did you tell yourself?

 

I'm not trying to be mean but I don't buy this bleeding heart, it's because I'm such a nice person stuff. That to me is cover for actually taking responsibility for your end of things here...your excuse, really.

[superfan]

How exactly does he need you? I think you are giving yourself too much credit because you have feelings for him. It's understandable. You have met this person you feel very connected with and you know ultimately that you can't be together so you convince yourself you can be "friends" and help him through it. Unfortunately since your interest is more than platonic, then any help you offer will ultimately be coloured by bias, even if you don't intend it to be. You might even find yourself "counseling" him against going through this life change, even if you don't realize it.

 

One of my best friends was dating a guy for three years before he confessed to her that he felt like he was a woman trapped in a man's body and wanted to start taking hormone supplements in order to begin the change. My friend was DEVASTATED. They had been living together and seemed to have a really close, loving relationship. He always dressed in drag for Halloween (we used to joke he had really nice legs for a man) but other than that, showed no signs. She never suspected - and he was so confused didn't mention it to her until he was sure of what he wanted. She ultimately decided she couldn't be with him as a woman. She realized that as much as she loved him, she was not attracted to women and therefore couldn't remain in the relationship. She desperately wanted to be there for him (as she obviously still cared for him) but in the end she knew that going NC was the only way she could heal and that he could truly move on with what he wanted.

 

She did what was best for both of them. To this day they don't keep in contact. I would advise you to do the same.