Insecurities/Issues driving me and my fiance crazy in my Relationship

[pl3asehelp]

Taking into account everything you've said about her, I don't think you guys are a good match. I don't think you're insecure or jealous, I think she has always had and still does have boundary issues, issues relating to men and relationships in a healthy way (you said she has trust issues with men), and just a general lack of knowledge about what good relationships are and how to behave in one. Bet she has a non-existant or bad relationship with her father, right? Doesn't mean she's never going to have a good relationship, but I think the chances are slim unless she does some work - these things don't just go away one day by themselves.

[soporcogitavi]

Taking into account everything you've said about her, I don't think you guys are a good match. I don't think you're insecure or jealous, I think she has always had and still does have boundary issues, issues relating to men and relationships in a healthy way (you said she has trust issues with men), and just a general lack of knowledge about what good relationships are and how to behave in one. Bet she has a non-existant or bad relationship with her father, right? Doesn't mean she's never going to have a good relationship, but I think the chances are slim unless she does some work - these things don't just go away one day by themselves.

 

She does not have a relationship with her father, he is no longer here, for awhile. But when he was it seemed like he was loving. Do you think then that she does have feelings for this guy or did while we were together or is this all innoncent?

[pl3asehelp]

She does not have a relationship with her father, he is no longer here, for awhile. But when he was it seemed like he was loving. Do you think then that she does have feelings for this guy or did while we were together or is this all innoncent?

 

I don't think she has any relationship to any male that doesn't have some romantic component to it. Like every girl with a daddy issue, she has always sought out men for attention, validation, and to make her feel good about herself. Basically, she's addicted to men and has non existent standards for them. Any attention is good attention. Women with this background are very, very challenging to have any kind of healthy relationship with because they've never seen a healthy relationship. If this guy was such a douche as she says, why was she ever interested in him and why is she still, even if it's just out of curiosity? You have a long and trying road ahead of you. I think once you guys break up, you will be the one to find a happy and healthy relationship while she continues on the same path she's always been on with the player douchebags.

[itsallgrand]

Why are you with her?

 

I'm guessing this bugs you because she was a party girl when you met her, and she had been attracted and involved with what she even calls a player douche bag type. SO yeah. She can be attracted to douche bags. You knew that going in!

 

Now it's been years and you are engaged to her. If you don't trust her and like her, what are you doing there?

 

You can't spend your life in a marriage where you torture the woman for being who she is. Of course she had some feelings and of course it wasn't innocent - get over it or move on!

[DN]

Why are you with her?

 

I'm guessing this bugs you because she was a party girl when you met her, and she had been attracted and involved with what she even calls a player douche bag type. SO yeah. She can be attracted to douche bags. You knew that going in!

 

Now it's been years and you are engaged to her. If you don't trust her and like her, what are you doing there?

 

You can't spend your life in a marriage where you torture the woman for being who she is. Of course she had some feelings and of course it wasn't innocent - get over it or move on!

Yep, this is more or less what I was going to say.

[camus154]

I don't think she has any relationship to any male that doesn't have some romantic component to it. Like every girl with a daddy issue, she has always sought out men for attention, validation, and to make her feel good about herself. Basically, she's addicted to men and has non existent standards for them. Any attention is good attention. Women with this background are very, very challenging to have any kind of healthy relationship with because they've never seen a healthy relationship. If this guy was such a douche as she says, why was she ever interested in him and why is she still, even if it's just out of curiosity? You have a long and trying road ahead of you.

 

I think you're putting this all on her shoulders and pretending the OP has nothing to do with it.

 

This is why I think the OP is insecure. Because he's still so focused on whether or not his fiancee had or has feelings for a fling she had more than 2 years ago. That's not a boundary issue, but a security issue. We've addressed the boundaries before, and ultimately it boiled down to him either accepting or rejecting who he's with. Since that time he's made the decision to stay with her, and yet here we are again. Not because his fiancee has crossed a new boundary, but to rehash old fears.

 

OP, you've created no less than 24 threads about your insecurities with this woman (and yes, sadly I counted). Most, if not all of them go back to a handful of situations from the beginning of your relationship. If your fiancee repeatedly crossed boundaries, I could understand this, but as far as I can tell she hasn't. You're quite simply refusing to let old dogs lie.

[bulletproof]

I don't think she has any relationship to any male that doesn't have some romantic component to it. Like every girl with a daddy issue, she has always sought out men for attention, validation, and to make her feel good about herself. Basically, she's addicted to men and has non existent standards for them. Any attention is good attention. Women with this background are very, very challenging to have any kind of healthy relationship with because they've never seen a healthy relationship. If this guy was such a douche as she says, why was she ever interested in him and why is she still, even if it's just out of curiosity? You have a long and trying road ahead of you.

 

Whoa- you've diagnosed this person with a "daddy issue"? Didn't he just say that she and her father had a loving relationship?

 

She said why she was interested in him, and she isn't interested anymore. The facebook curiosity was two years ago and she didn't even friend him. The o.p. is the one who keeps bringing it up now, by his own admission.

[soporcogitavi]

Why are you with her?p

 

I'm guessing this bugs you because she was a party girl when you met her, and she had been attracted and involved with what she even calls a player douche bag type. SO yeah. She can be attracted to douche bags. You knew that going in!

 

Now it's been years and you are engaged to her. If you don't trust her and like her, what are you doing there?

 

You can't spend your life in a marriage where you torture the woman for being who she is. Of course she had some feelings and of course it wasn't innocent - get over it or move on!

 

So she has lied then, she told me she went through a phase were she had partied because she has never been single and her ex had cheated on her, she said after awhile that lifestyle was empty and she wanted something serious, but that the guys she dated were never serious and she never felt anything because she knew it wouldn't go anywhere, she said this guy ha even asked to get Serious and she said no

[pl3asehelp]

I think if the OP was dating a girl who didn't have a past filled with douchebags who are still on her mind, he'd be fine. He hasn't given any indication he has a past filled with bad relationships with girls he admits are crappy people, like his fiance has, so it's impossible for him to understand the mindset of someone whose approached relationships that way their whole life. A girl with father issues is nothing but drama until she either gains enough experience to overcome them herself or goes through a lot of psychotherapy. OP - there are women out there who didn't find player douchebags attractive and who have no interest in keepign people like that around - you'd do much better with one of them. I'm sure you'll be fine - it's her whose going to continue to have problems.

[pl3asehelp]

Whoa- you've diagnosed this person with a "daddy issue"? Didn't he just say that she and her father had a loving relationship?

 

She said why she was interested in him, and she isn't interested anymore. The facebook curiosity was two years ago and she didn't even friend him. The o.p. is the one who keeps bringing it up now, by his own admission.

 

He also said they currently NO relationship. That's a daddy issue. Unless he's dead, that's going to be a problem for her and the men she gets involved with. Feel free to step on the landmine.

[itsallgrand]

So she has lied then, she told me she went through a phase were she had partied because she has never been single and her ex had cheated on her, she said after awhile that lifestyle was empty and she wanted something serious, but that the guys she dated were never serious and she never felt anything because she knew it wouldn't go anywhere, she said this guy ha even asked to get Serious and she said no

 

I don't see lying there. It's consistent.

 

She went into a party phase and got with guys with no intention of doing anything serious. She picked guys who would likely be ONS material, players and the like, because she only wanted it to be about sex and fun times. No strings attached.

 

That is consistent with the rest you have told us. "feelings" doesn't have to be love feelings, deep feelings, or wanting a relationship. "feelings" can be - horniness, neediness, enjoying someone as entertainment and for validation.

 

I don't think she is a liar. I think you just have trouble accepting that she made those choices, she was like that, and now she wants something different.

 

From all you have said, there has been no reason to think she doesn't want to be with you and have a different kind of relationship than she had in those times.

 

It's really up to you now to either trust her on this or not. But if you can't trust it, this relationship is destined to fail.

[bulletproof]

He also said they currently NO relationship. That's a daddy issue. Unless he's dead, that's going to be a problem for her and the men she gets involved with.

 

I think the o.p. needs to clarify whether he's dead or not. He said "gone." Further, you have no idea about how she's processed that and moved on in her life. Doesn't automatically mean she has "daddy issues."

[becomingkate]

So she has lied then, she told me she went through a phase were she had partied because she has never been single and her ex had cheated on her, she said after awhile that lifestyle was empty and she wanted something serious, but that the guys she dated were never serious and she never felt anything because she knew it wouldn't go anywhere, she said this guy ha even asked to get Serious and she said no

 

What she has said is absolutely possible. I have dated several people as a distraction, no feelings of love or anything like that.

 

This entire thread is about her curiosity from two years ago? If you resent her that much, I think you should let her go. Two years on is a red flag - for her.

[bulletproof]

OP - there are women out there who didn't find player douchebags attractive and who have no interest in keepign people like that around -

 

She's not keeping them around. This was two years ago that she last even looked at his facebook page, and it was because he came up as a suggested friend.

[pl3asehelp]

I think the o.p. needs to clarify whether he's dead or not. He said "gone." Further, you have no idea about how she's processed that and moved on in her life. Doesn't automatically mean she has "daddy issues."

 

He said gone for a while. Dead people usually don't come back after a while. You're right I don't know how she's processed that, but if she hasn't, and most don't, I know it's going to to continue to be a problem.

[bulletproof]

So she has lied then, she told me she went through a phase were she had partied because she has never been single and her ex had cheated on her, she said after awhile that lifestyle was empty and she wanted something serious, but that the guys she dated were never serious and she never felt anything because she knew it wouldn't go anywhere, she said this guy ha even asked to get Serious and she said no

 

You are going around in circles. You seem determined to find something wrong. She's pretty much damned either way- if she admits she was attracted to him, then she's honest, but if she was attracted to him, then you cannot accept that she was attracted but also started a relationship with you.

 

So really, what's the solution here?

[bulletproof]

He said gone for a while. Dead people usually don't come back after a while. You're right I don't know how she's processed that, but if she hasn't, and most don't, I know it's going to to continue to be a problem.

 

Yeah, "gone for a while" as in he's been dead for some time. Like I said, won't know until the OP chimes in.

 

You don't know for a fact that "most" do anything, btw. That's a generalization of epic proportions.

[soporcogitavi]

Yes he is in fact dead

[pl3asehelp]

Yes he is in fact dead

 

I still think you're rolling the dice with this one. Most of what you've said about her seems like issues that aren't going away.

[camus154]

It doesn't matter who she was attracted to in the past.

 

It doesn't matter whether her father is alive or dead or what kind of relationship she had with him. Forget this nonsense about "but that determines how she'll act in relationships" because the OP has had two years' worth of experience knowing exactly how she acts in relationships. It's ridiculous to go off pop psychology when you have real world experience instead.

 

So what are you left with? The only thing she's done "wrong" so far as I can tell is that she looked up an old fling--more than two years ago. The OP had a choice then. He could have decided this was a deal breaker and thus break the deal, or he could have resolved to let it go and move forward.

 

He chose the latter. Only, come to find out, he's trying to cheat the system. He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. He doesn't want to lose his fiancee but he's clearly unable to let this stuff go. Hence the 24 threads about stuff that happened long ago.

 

That's on you, OP. Not your fiancee. You're being extraordinarily unfair and dishonest both with yourself and your fiancee. Make a decision, already.

[Silvergalaxy]

OP, you have received very good advice in this thread (and in previous ones as well) and yet, years later you are still struggling with this. I recommend that you look into therapy that can help you deal with this issue and obtain some clarity. At this point, you do need to figure out if you can get over this or move on. As it is, I feel sorry for your fiancee because she is in a lose/lose situation. I don't know how often you bring the subject up but it's also possible she will get tired from dealing with your insecurities and make the decision for you.

[soporcogitavi]

'

 

 

I dont think im being dishonest i have let her know my feelings, I cant she's done something wrong so far that I can prove, but I just dont understand howits possible to be in a relationship with someone for almost 2 months and not feel anything for them, besides superficial feelings, its bizarre. Maybe she isnt lying to me, thats why I am here asking your opinions

[soporcogitavi]

She has acted honest with me in this relationship, she hasnt cheater or had contact with any ex's and wants to spend as much time as possible with me. And if she did tell me she felt something for him in the beginning I would not end it with her, I would be dissapointed, but I would get over it. Its not understanding that bothers me.

 

If i dated someone for taht long, slept at their place every weekend, messaged them, I would certainly feel like this was going somewhere.

[soporcogitavi]

Of course I dont love teh fact that she was in a party phase and hooking up with random people, who would?? But why is it necessary to be curious about someone who is exactly that, why would you care, if he's meaningless and you never wanted anything, isnt that contradictory?

[becomingkate]

Of course I dont love teh fact that she was in a party phase and hooking up with random people, who would?? By why is it necessary to be curious about someone who is exactly that, why would you care, if he's meaningless and you never wanted anything, isnt that contradictory?

 

This statement tells me that you've got control issues. Who said it was "necessary"? It's almost as though you'd be a lot happier if you could just control what she thinks and what she does, so that you feel comfortable and don't have to address your issues of jealousy.

 

You keep turning it back to her, but this is your issue.