NC is helping a lot, and I'm feeling better. Is it just temporary?

[maggieMAE]

I still get sad that I'm losing the friendship we had as a foundation to our relationship. I'll miss hanging out with her and shooting the poop. But NC is helping me forget my longing. Today I woke up and she wasn't the first thing on my mind - school was, or some crafty projects I wanna finish, and then I thought of an art show I want to go to this weekend. My mind wasn't solely fixed on her. She wasn't on my mind the majority of the day either. Today was one of the best days I've had since the BU, almost 3 months ago.

 

I'm still a little in shock, but I know it's for the best. I know I'll find love again.

 

What's also helping is I developed a little crush on a woman in one of my classes. I know it'll never go anywhere, and I don't even want it to. She's very religious and is currently going through a divorce from an arranged marriage where he left her for another woman. But feeling what I feel for a woman who seems so lovely makes me realize there are sooo many people out there. I'll find someone eventually who is better suited to what I need out of a relationship. I focused so long on trying to change my relationship and my partner into what I needed, and that wasn't fair to either of us. Yeah, what I was trying to change were negative things, but still, I can't change another person. I can't wait around for them to change either. If they aren't giving me what I need, I need to just move on. I should have ended this years ago when she started mistreating me.

 

I'm not suppressing or denying my feelings, but I feel like hope finally FULLY died. NC was first about her learning her lesson, but now its slowly morphing into being about me learning mine. I'll never forget her or stop caring about her, but I honestly don't want her back anymore. The sadness is still there, but I see the tiny little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I was a doormat for too long, and now I'm ready to stop my codependent crap and really take care of me. I'm so focused on school. I've been talking with my advisers and dreaming up what I'd like to do after I graduate. Teaching English in South Korea for a year or so, then coming back to The States and eventually settling down on the Westcoast. And this and that, so many different things I've wanted to do but couldn't if I was in a long term relationship. I'm 26 and I felt like I couldn't just throw away a relationship to chase dreams that younger people are doing. But now I know that's stupid because I am young.

 

So, am I over the worst? Do you all think I finally got over the hump, or are there maybe a few more serious mood swings to come? I really hope this high that I'm at is permanent and isn't just me jumping the gun.

[Ms Darcy]

Knowing you will find love again is an absolutely wonderful realization. It is hope.

 

You may feel worse at times, you may feel better. But having hope shows you the light towards the healing tunnel.