What do I do to get her back

[0101Real0010]

Here's the deal: My last girlfriend and I were in a relationship for 8 months. She broke up with me about a month ago. Important to note that I'm 20 and she's approaching 26 years old. She has so much more experience than I do while this was my first real relationship and first love. Also, there's someone else. We broke up for two big reasons:

 

1) I was too clingy, too needy, let my emotions take control of me to do and say stupid, irrational, and impulsive things that would be against her feelings. We were having communication problems because I could not be honest with myself. I'm an affectionate person, she's not and she said she would get better with time, but even though I toned myself down it was still too much affection for her, apparently. About 2-3 weeks before the break up she said she couldn't feel a "connection" anymore (when we would kiss or do anything intimate, she wouldn't feel anything) because an emotional wall formed between her and I by my breaking of her trust by letting slip to my family something incredibly confidential about her financial situation and I told her later out of guilt. She stopped caring as much about my emotional mistakes towards her at some point and then the last straw was when we sat down and talked for a couple of HOURS about how I was still being too affectionate and that she didn't like it... I told her I understood, but not but 10 minutes later I start kissing up on her before going to bed. My reasoning? I was trying to get her into bed with me and I somehow thought in my tiny little brain that there was a difference between being affectionate and wanting to get into the act of sex. From this she reasoned that I'm immature for her, that I wouldn't grow from my mistakes and still have a lot of growing to do and that after 8 months I don't really know her as well as I should while she knows me better than I know myself.

 

2) She's going through a very tough time with financial problems and her very strict family. She lives on her own, has to find a way to pay everything on her own, all the while trying to make her incredibly strict family proud of her when they very often give her emotional stress by pointing out and stressing her flaws and past mistakes. Her parents basically gave her a kind of ultimatum that needs to be meet within a few months time or they will essentially disown her. Thus, with this going on with her life she told me she doesn't have time to be holding my hand through a relationship with me and getting even more emotional stress from me.

 

The terms of the breakup were actually to stay in contact (though minimal contact), stay good friends, and to keep doing some of the things we were doing before the breakup (like keeping up with TV shows, etc.) She also said to not think of the breakup as a "permanent thing" and that getting back together after she has all her **** together was a possibility.

 

BUT enter her FIRST LOVE WHOM SHE STILL HAS STRONG FEELINGS FOR about 3-4 days after the breakup. They had been talking a good bit recently, anyway. She thought that they would probably never get back together. They've known each other for a long time and have been through a lot together. They've broken up and gotten together countless times. He's cheated on her several times. He cheated on her while engaged causing her to be an emotional wreck for several years and almost killing herself once. While she and I were still in a relationship, he was in a relationship screwing some other chick without protection and was also taking care of her other child that wasn't his. PLUS, she has a baby and, to my knowledge, have yet to determine if it's actually his (because the chick was screwing other guys at the same time, apparently). ANYWAYS, this guy shows up, says he doesn't want to "swoop in" but tells her that if they get back together THIS TIME he promises (apparently first time he's made a serious promise) her that it would be the LAST TIME and they would essentially live happily ever after.

 

She definitely has stronger feelings for this dude. Plus, she feels like she's running out of time to find the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with because she's just about 26 years old. Plus, he's almost a year older than her and obviously has worlds more experience. But at the same time she has much stronger trust issues with this guy... but she says that that's her "old self" and that the person she is now "knows better". Small things: after our break up she continued to wear my necklace but at some point a couple of weeks ago took it off and specifically replaced it with HIS necklace. Smh.

 

I've done some soul searching and found very strong answers to the problems I was having with her when I we were together. I know the way now. I told her recently I want try again with her, but she basically told me I still have "a lot of growing up to do", and that it hasn't even been a month since we broke up. Nothing is definite at the moment.

 

What the crap do I do? I'm still completely in love with her and it feels like the emotion just keeps growing every single day. Perfectly honest with you guys, I want her back. But how?

[JohnGalt]

There's no magic bullet, my friend. I would embrace the heartbreak and figure out ow to get over a girl. You are only 20 and you're going to go through heartbreak during life. This woman is in love with her ex, and quite frankly . . . you sound like a rebound relationship.

 

I don't want it to be true. I want you to be with her and live happily ever after, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

 

I would ask her simply what her intentions are with this guy and with you and to be honest. And once you get your answer, either live happily ever after or move on with dignity.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.

 

-John

[Clio]

I am very sorry that you are going through this. First loves are hard to get over. However, I think that before you consider entering in another relationship with anyone, you need to develop a healthy one with yourself. You need to learn how to be honest with yourself. Figure out who you are, what you want to become and what are your life goals. For this to happen you need to focus on you and let her go. You are in totally different stages of your life and you are too young to be able to offer her what she wants. You lack the life experience for that to happen. If you really love her, let her go. Focus on you. What are your ambitions? What do you want to become? What are your likes? Why do you have trouble communicating in personal relationships? What are you afraid of? What are you passionate about? What do you believe in? Focus on developping personal goals and going after them. That way, you will develop a strong 'YOU' and in your next relationship you will not lose yourself and become too clingy/too needy. Focus on learning and accepting who YOU are and everything will turn out for the best. Best of luck!

[sharky988]

I really agree with the advice given above. The key to starting to heal from a breakup -- whether or not it's a permanent break -- is to put the focus on YOU as quickly as possible.... and then KEEP it there! Focus on improving yourself and try to think about your ex as little as possible.

 

Stay out of contact with her so that she's no longer a part of your daily life, inflicting fresh wounds and keeping your mind puzzling over her latest text or phone call.

 

Think about what YOU need to do to make yourself a better person -- for yourself, for your next girlfriend, or for this ex if you do eventually reconcile. Your ex is going to find you MUCH more attractive if you're busy working out, being positive and accomplishing goals rather than just being depressed and mooning over her.

 

This really concerns me:

 

The terms of the breakup were actually to stay in contact (though minimal contact), stay good friends, and to keep doing some of the things we were doing before the breakup (like keeping up with TV shows, etc.) She also said to not think of the breakup as a "permanent thing" and that getting back together after she has all her **** together was a possibility.

 

You DON'T want to do this. When you've experienced more breakups, you'll see that many exes try to stay "friends" immediately after the breakup. This is tempting for you, because it means you can stick around and hopefully get her to change her mind. It's tempting for the ex, because she can keep you close by as a Plan B option in case things don't work out with anyone else.

 

DON'T settle for being her backup plan! You deserve more than this. She'll lose respect for you if you allow her to keep you as an emotional backup plan.

 

At the very least, give yourself a month or two of No Contact so that you can heal and at least start to move on -- and so that she can experience missing you and face the reality of NOT having you in her life anymore. If you choose to re-establish contact after a while, that's your choice, but you'll find it's MUCH MUCH easier when you stop the pain of contact.

 

Please remember this is all just my opinion, based on my own personal experience and from what I've read about other people's experience. Everyone's unique, but the consensus seems to hold that cutting off contact leads to the fastest recovery while also allowing the ex to have time and space to miss you and possibly reconsider.

 

As for this First Love who's suddenly popped up? I have two thoughts:

 

1 -- He's probably the reason her "feelings" suddenly changed toward you. I'd take everything she told you about why she was breaking up with a HUGE grain of salt, because from what you said her feelings started to change right around the time this guy came back in the picture.

 

2 -- He's an EX-BOYFRIEND for a reason. Something broke them up in the past and it's possible this reason is going to come up again.

 

I wouldn't assume there's no chance of you two getting back together...... what I would encourage you to do is to walk away with dignity, cut off contact from her and focus on YOU and YOUR healing and YOUR growth.... work on improving yourself and keep far, far away from this situation of her and her ex-first-love...... let it play out and see what happens in time.

 

Personally, I DON'T see how you're being immature or have growing up to do -- I think it takes a lot of maturity to be able to look at yourself and recognize your flaws and be open to improving them.

 

Frankly in the situation you've described, I think your older ex-girlfriend and her older ex-boyfriend are the ones who are acting immaturely, not you.

[appies]

Hey man, I did the exact same thing, I was 20 and dated a 26 year old. Way more experienced and I was always playing catch up. I understand where you're coming from, you feel an obligation to hold on, cause well you're way out of your league. Its ok that you're hurting but honestly you'll be way more happy with someone your own age at this stage of your life. Once you're with a younger girl you will have twice the confidence and control your emotions cause you won't feel the pressure to please an older lady.

[0101Real0010]

I can understand what you guys are telling me and thanks to all of you for your advice. After everything I've read, all the people I've talked to, all the thinking I've done, I repeatedly come to a conclusion of "letting go" and focusing and worrying about myself. In fact, it's what I should have been doing and one of the biggest reasons I was so clingy/needy was because I kept thinking and focusing on her and our relationship and trying to not screw up, instead of focusing on myself (which was what I was doing when she fell in love with me in the first place). However, letting go is something that is hard for me to do at the moment because I don't know for sure what her intentions are with me and this other guy, but I can tell you that she is a very straightforward person and that if she DID know for sure, she would have already told me. She knows I still love her and she wouldn't want to leave me hanging thinking that I still have a chance with her if she's already decided who she wants to give her heart to. At least, that's what I believe from what I know of her.

 

Also, the terms of the breakup were completely set up by her and it's what she wanted. At the same time, we give each other a great deal of space by comparison. When we were together we were around each other every day almost 24/7. Now we talk and/or see each other about once a week. I'm fine with it for the moment. We're still very close and I can still talk to her about anything, like if I'm having a serious problem or if I have to vent about something. I almost never bring up our relationship, however. We've only talked about it twice since we broke up. She brought it up the first time, the second time I did. She's still always on my mind though... Even in my dreams some nights, hahah.

[sharky988]

Also, the terms of the breakup were completely set up by her and it's what she wanted.

 

 

Yes, exactly -- because she wants to keep you as a backup plan. If you continue to be there for her as a "friend" on her terms, you're just easing her guilt and acting as a safety net while she sees whether things will work out with this other guy. Allowing her to use you this way also makes you less attractive to her, because it shows her that staying in her life in any capacity is more important to you than your self-respect. She also never has to experience missing you, because you're still in her life, on her terms.

 

It might feel good to imagine that acting selflessly and putting her interests before your own need to heal somehow bonds you two together right now.... but this is an illusion.

 

In reality, if she truly cared about you, she'd let you go because this is the only way you can really move on and recover from the breakup. It's an act of selfishness on her part to try to remain friends immediately after a breakup. She's taking advantage of your lack of experience and your desire to get back together, imo.

[appies]

See if you're letting her control you, and its not working for your benefit. Your best option is to tell her off, let her know you won't wait and go NC. Either a) you move on or find something better. b) she sees you have balls and will respect you and come back.