I hate the holidays -rant-

[iamkaylee]

For the past few years now I've had my own routine for the holidays. I don't celebrate, for me it's just another day. Being single and alone is a blessing for me because now I don't have to participate when I really have zero desire to do so. As long as I can remember I've not enjoyed all this mess. In fact, I find it all quite hypocritical and extremely depressing. Always have and I know this is because of my family, long past history and how I feel about them. Those feelings are also why I cut 99% of them out of my life a long long time ago. This time of year has a lot of severe depression triggers for me and I help keep that in check by avoiding these people. I do not want to start back down that black hole again.

 

So today is Thanksgiving. I happily spent my day out fishing catching my supper, and had a nice walk round some old battlefields and graveyards. I come home ready to grill some fresh seafood and have at least half a dozen text messages and voicemails. All from estranged family. Once again, I was berated for not driving or flying out to spend time with the family like I "should" do along with the usual garbage of how much "we miss you". Instant bad mood and completely ruined my appetite.

 

I tried to blow it off, threw the fish in the fridge and settled down to a nice whiskey and a book when the phone rang and I stupidly answered it without looking first. Family calling again to lay on the guilt trip, tell me what a pile of ungrateful miserable garbage I am because I "don't have time for them" even on Thanksgiving. Last time, I'm a selfish ***** because I have no desire to drive 900 miles and go see some obscure cousin I've not seen or heard from in twenty years at some home facial party she's having. "But she's family and this is how she makes her living." So what, I don't care. I'm not driving 1800 miles round trip to do something I will hate and not buy anyway from someone who is practically a stranger to me.

 

Much as I hate to say it, I completely blew my temper, let them have it and now I feel like crap and guilty for doing that. Almost 30 years these people have tried to manipulate and control me. I've never measured up, never fit in and never belonged. I've always been not good enough, and not what "they" wanted me to be. I'm stupid, unrealistic, told "I can't do that", I'm wrong. Never, not once have any of them ever bothered to come see me. Even when I lived in the same town years ago, no one could be bothered. They never call or text me, ever except around the holidays. I've never even gotten so much as a happy birthday text or card from these people. I lay in the hospital damn near dead TWICE and nothing. Crippled and learning to walk again and nothing. My house and everything burned to the ground and nothing. Not even a hand me down stitch of clothing for my kids when all we had was what was on our backs. Nothing. Ever.

 

So why in the hell can they just not leave me alone now. I'm tired of this. All they do is fight and start petty drama that I can't stand to be around. They beat me down to make themselves feel better. They're happy now because they can say "we tried" and once again, it's all my fault and I'm the one with the problem. Never mind that once again, I've thrown it all out on the table exactly why I want nothing to do with them at all ever. I don't care who gets married, divorced, sick, dies, has kids, whatever. Leave me out of it. It's far too late to repair anything now. Just leave me alone.

[Fudgie]

Screw them. Selfish buttholes. They just lay it on thick cause its the holidays and that's what you're supposed to do, apparently.

 

I think a good blocking of numbers is in order. Then they can't even leave VMs.

[JoJoStar26]

I know how that can be. I try to stay away from negativity even if that means being alone.

[itsallgrand]

Happy Thanksgiving, kaylee.

 

That sounded like such a relaxing thanksgiving you had planned, too. Hope you got to enjoy that fish, whiskey, and book.

 

Yeah, some family are blood and not much else eh.

[Seraphim]

Sigh. Just block them all and enjoy your solitude. Hugs

[iamkaylee]

Yeah I know Fudgie. Only a couple of them even have my phone number anymore. One does so I can be got hold of for legal purposes, a couple others do because I do keep up with them somewhat since they can just give me news and usually respect my wishes.

 

Someone (and I have a good idea who) must have decided to play peacemaker and gave it out. She probably got guilted into it because she's gullible and one of those super nice pushover people. Now I'll have to chew her out or something if she's the culprit and I'm not happy about that at all. I'll wait a few days until I'm not feeling so miserable and then I'll call her and see.

 

Thanks y'all.

[pippy longstocking]

hiya kay , hope your feeling a lot better ...

 

we are very similar , and what you did for thanksgiving is more in tune to what I would want to do ..infact your life

to me sounds damn near perfect ...

 

and it is your life ..so let them all ease their guilt cos they "tried" with the awkward family member ( I am that one as well haha) and you just carry on been your fab fab fab self xxxxx

[grainsofrice]

hey kaylee,

You are not alone for sure. I was going to post a thread similar to yours, but I thought I'll wait and see. Seeing others on here with this feeling made me feel less pissoff of the 'holiday ghost'.

 

Some of us are in this together.