I think my new relationship is causing me to have depression

[Lucy3]

Hey everyone, I have been with my guy for 4 months now (although no official talk, but neither of us are seeing anyone else and we act like a couple completely)

 

Anyway, I am living in constant fear that he will just end it, I am always feeling not good enough for him and worry that things about me might put him off/make him want to end it. i guess at the end of the day it is down to low self esteem. I have latey been feeling like it's affecting every part of my life, i have no interest in anything anymore, job, social life, day to day living etc. How do i snap out of this?? I want to just enjoy this new relationship and be happy but am quite the opposite at the moment!

 

I bought a self help book on depression recently and the bit where it describes what depression feels like described me perfectly!!

 

I find it soooo hard to meet guys that I like that like me and to say i have had bad luck in the past is an understatement. I just wish i didn't feel so pathetic about it all and have this constant fear that he will hurt me or just suddenly end it. It is starting to take over ny life! Do you think the depression is causing me to feel like this or fear i am feeling is causing the depression?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated

[itsallgrand]

I don't know. If it were me, I'd be stressing cause at four months and no straight talk about being a couple. I really get stressed out not knowing where I stand with someone, or what I am doing. As soon as I come to a decision or some resolution, I feel instantly better and less stressed.

 

Relationships necessarily have some ambiguity. But acting like a couple yet not talking about that, well that to me is unnecessary stress!

[becomingkate]

Anyway, I am living in constant fear that he will just end it, I am always feeling not good enough for him and worry that things about me might put him off/make him want to end it. i guess at the end of the day it is down to low self esteem.

 

Has he ever expressed disappointment in anything? Do you have lots of little squabbles, is he against PDA, have you met his friends and his family?

 

Nothing in life is guaranteed, but if you and he have similar interests, enjoy doing things together and plan for occasions much farther down the road (Christmas, New Years) if you feel comfortable staying over and using his shower, if you've met the other people in his life and they're positive toward you, if he reaches for your hand when you're walking... then things are probably moving along okay.

 

I know positive affirmations sound cheesy, but saying something like "I feel so blessed to have this right now" really helps put things in persective. Do you guys ever talk about making it official? Maybe you're nervous about that, because at the four month mark, it must be approaching soon.

[rask]

You need to talk to him about where you guys stand. I give guys two months of casual, no commitment dating and if they haven't made an effort to commit or at least talk with me about it, they're cut loose. It's not fair to be the "kind of" girlfriend without the actual girlfriend benefits.

 

On the other hand, he may think you're on the same page as him and that you guys are a couple, and that he doesn't need to verbalize it because you've moved into that stage of the relationship already.

 

Your best bet is to talk to him. If you've been together for four months like this, hopefully you have some kind of communication skills and can talk openly about this. Nothing is worth getting stressed out and depressed, especially when talking about it will probably make it better.

[Batya33]

I don't know. If it were me, I'd be stressing cause at four months and no straight talk about being a couple. I really get stressed out not knowing where I stand with someone, or what I am doing. As soon as I come to a decision or some resolution, I feel instantly better and less stressed.

 

Relationships necessarily have some ambiguity. But acting like a couple yet not talking about that, well that to me is unnecessary stress!

 

Exactly what I think the issue is - you're rationalizing that it doesn't matter that you haven't had the talk yet but deep down it is very important to you . It might not be important to everyone but it sure would be to me. For example, if you got a new job and were told that you'd have all the responsibilities of the position/title you desperately wanted but they couldn't give you the title nor could you tell others what title you had wouldn't you feel shaky/insecure? This is even worse because it involves your heart and potentially the rest of your life and just like in the job the title is not just a title - it reflects the substance of the relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

I would be stressed if I was dating someone (for four months) and I didn't know if we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Lucy3]

Thanks everyone for your replies, yes i guess that probably is the underlying issue here.

 

becomingkate- we have never squabbled about anything and yes he does give PDAs a lot, always holding my hand etc. He hasn't actually donw anything to make me think he is going end it, it is just my insecurities that i know i need to get over. And i suppose one way to do this is to have 'the convo'!

[Lucy3]

But even if we do have the conversation i still think i will feel that i am not good enough

[calichick007]

I think you'd feel better if you had the conversation (and it went positively). You'd feel much more secure about your place in his life and your potential future together. That place of uncertainty is not a fun place to be. I know it's scary when you know it could go either way, but if it doesn't go the way you want, at least you're freed up to find a situation where you feel secure and reassured.

[Heather Dawn]

But even if we do have the conversation i still think i will feel that i am not good enough

 

First of all, have the talk. Sort this out so you know where you stand. Four months is a long time to not know.

 

But once you've had that talk, and if the answer is that he wants what you want, WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. What you don't want is for your insecurity to create a self-fulfilling prophecy...and it will, if, as time goes by, your fears manifest in your relationship.

[Lucy3]

First of all, have the talk. Sort this out so you know where you stand. Four months is a long time to not know.

 

But once you've had that talk, and if the answer is that he wants what you want, WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. What you don't want is for your insecurity to create a self-fulfilling prophecy...and it will, if, as time goes by, your fears manifest in your relationship.

 

Thanks, i am thinking i will say something this weekend, i dont really know how to approach it though

 

As for the self esteem- i know it is my own problem and i havent had it this bad before with other guys i have dated. I think its because i really like this guy and want it to work. When i am with him it feels good and fine but its the time inbetween seeing him that i feel insecure and like he has lost interest (we live about 40 mins away from each other so at the moment only see each other at the weekend) he never really makes me feel like he is into me between the times we meet. Its not as though i expect him to worship me or anything like that but a "i miss you" or "i am looking forward to seeing you" would b nice once in a while but he never says anything nice like that

[FYI]

Nine times out of ten, we are our own worst enemy.

 

If depression is really a serious concern then you should seek professional help and not try to do it on your own.

 

I think we can agree that the talk is long overdue and I would assume that part of why you feel so stressed out is because you don't know what's going on. The problem is that you need to in order to figure out where to go from here. There is no clarity and it's eating away at you; one serving at a time.

[Batya33]

I think it's normal to feel a bit insecure about a new relationship that you're excited about. One thing I believe -with few exceptions -is that when you're with a person who is right for you there's never time to feel really insecure because as soon as those feelings creep up on you he does or says something that snaps you back to reality. When I was dating my husband I felt insecure about his feelings for me for a few hours on one particular day. It was a day when I thought I would hear from him during the day and I didn't and my mind started to wander to an insecure place. When we met up later that day I realized it was because he had some unexpected meetings and couldn't get in touch. Otherwise, I had those normal, fleeting pangs every once in awhile about the future, whether it would work out, etc but since we spoke every day (we were long distance for much of our dating) and emailed every day (saw each other every 10-14 days) I didn't feel insecure about where we stood. We discussed what we wanted out of our relationship before our first official date because it was the second time around we dated. The first time around I think we had that discussion within the first month of dating.

[Lucy3]

Thanks Batya, i think you have a good point there...it got me thinking....when i am with him he is affectionate at we get on well and have a good laugh. it is the inbetween stages that i begin to feel insecure (we only see each other once a week at the moment because of where he is tporarily living) when we text he texts me more like i am a friend, he doesnt say anything to make me think he is really into me, more just about his day or something, so it is then i begin to feel he is losing interest, but then when i see him in person again it all feels good.

[lilylilylily]

I find it soooo hard to meet guys that I like that like me and to say i have had bad luck in the past is an understatement.

 

It kind of sounds like you also find it difficult to like yourself. You ARE worthy, you ARE good enough... if you don't believe in these yourself, of course you will have problems believing your boyfriends feelings.

 

How do you snap out of it? Keep yourself busy - stop finding time to 'overthink' things. It's not just about enjoying the moment, but learning to see things from a positive light. If he is spending time with you, it's because he wants to BE with you. Don't worry for no reason

[Lucy3]

It kind of sounds like you also find it difficult to like yourself. You ARE worthy, you ARE good enough... if you don't believe in these yourself, of course you will have problems believing your boyfriends feelings.

 

How do you snap out of it? Keep yourself busy - stop finding time to 'overthink' things. It's not just about enjoying the moment, but learning to see things from a positive light. If he is spending time with you, it's because he wants to BE with you. Don't worry for no reason

 

Thank you Lily I am trying to do that, keep busy and have a more positive attitude about him and everything else in my life.