nbr Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I'm wondering here. my son is 7 and 1/2. I know my wife isn't sure what she really wants. She doesn't want to be alone (which puts the staying as a married couple comment but seeing others in perspective). I'm thinking of asking her for another 10 and a half years as a commitment. That we will stay together and monogamous for that time and then if she really wants out I'll bow out quietly and gracefully, but this way our children will have grown up in a whole family. I know I can make the next 10 years better for her than the last 10, and since once we split I really have no intention of dating, what's the difference of being single now at 36 or then at 46? I doubt she'll be completely faithful if she stays, but so long as she doesn't have sex with anyone else (thus putting me at risk for STDs) I will just ignore it, in the interests of my kids. Any thoughts from all you out there? Is this crazy to ask? She said the only reason she's stayed this long is it was the right thing for the kids, well, so is this. -nbr Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Kids are smart. Your son might not know what's going on at age 7, but I bet he will by age 12 or 13. It's noble of you to want to stay together for your kid, but often a divorce is better than an unhappy marriage. Divorce is hard on children, but they will all grow up eventually. Kids are resilient. Why don't you two try going to a marriage counsellor? Not necessarily to "fix" whatever problems you have, but to discuss this situation as a whole. It'll help you figure out if it's worth staying together as a "faux" married couple, or if you should end it now while your child is still very young. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 NO. It will not work any more than you going and living in the cottage will work. She'll get even more resentful, you'll get run into the ground even harder than you already are and you're both going to really screw up your kids. I'm not saying anything else except you need to look at WHY you're even thinking about this cockamamie scheme in the first place. NO. Link to comment
nbr Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 We've been going for over 4 months (when this all blew up she only promised me two). She didn't go to the last session saying she already filled her side of the bargain. MFT isn't ready to give up on us, though with her emotional affair that's still going on the MFT said normally she'd dump clients that don't try hard enough, that our case was one that she would keep because I'm trying so hard, and because some of my wife's older history needs to be addressed or she'll never find peace in any RS. Honestly, part of me is thinking if she agrees to 10 years, then by the end she'll realize that I really have changed and was serious about making this all work and will stay because she does love me once more. Part of her still does. Sometimes I see this scared little girl come out of her, that all she wants is for me to love her and to love me back, but then the older (sadder and bitterer) wife reigns her back in. -nbr Link to comment
nbr Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 My favorite voice of reason... thanks... I just don't want to let go, not of her, not of the kids. NO. It will not work any more than you going and living in the cottage will work. She'll get even more resentful, you'll get run into the ground even harder than you already are and you're both going to really screw up your kids. I'm not saying anything else except you need to look at WHY you're even thinking about this cockamamie scheme in the first place. NO. Link to comment
patterned Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Would your proposal be good enough for your 7 year old in your eyes when they are 36? Would you want them to make that choice in either position? Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 -sigh- I know you don't want to let go my friend. I know you're hurting and I know how hard you're still clinging to any little thing you possibly can to hold this together. You've got that one tiny finger grip and you're scrabbling for a foothold because you're terrified of that sheer drop. The only way out is to look UP. Knee jerking out of desperation isn't going to work. Be patient, BREATHE and try to relax. You haven't quite lost that finger hold yet but you are losing what's left of your self respect. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 oh darling I echo everything kay said ... you have a lot going on and having to face all this is hard , but you have to let her go my love xx this wouldn't work . Link to comment
Centi Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Kaylee and SS are right NBR. I know what you're going through. I know how much effort you've put into trying to fix things. You've been doing it much longer than myself. In the end your kids will be ok. Just make sure you do everything possible to let them know that you both care about them and love them. They may hurt now, but in the future when they are truly old and mature enough to understand they will understand why it happened. They will realize that they would rather you two both be happy than to stay together with so much pain for their sake. For now, focus on becoming the best person that you can be. You'll find your happiness again. Stay strong friend. Link to comment
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