Pressure Release Valve

[Skeptic76]

Just venting - I suspect my friends are sick of hearing about my marriage for the past couple of months and I learned a long time ago not to "tarnish" the image of my wife amongst my family, lest you create new difficulties if/when things get back to a healthy basis.

 

I'm at a resentment crossroads. I'm so angry, disappointed and frustrated with our relationship that if something doesn't give I'm afraid I will leave her and our children. So much of what is wrong with the marriage can be traced to my own mistakes in the past (disgusting around the clock drunkenness, two one-night stands) and while I've come to a sharp awareness of how I hurt my family and made dramatic changes in my life (no drinking or drugs, acting with absolute loyalty to my wife and an authentic desire to be a man of integrity in all areas of my life) for the past several years, it seems like we have established some powerful patterns that are difficult to change.

 

In my bid to become a better husband, father, son, employee, etc. I've made it a point to focus strictly on my own behavior and areas where I can grow rather than what I don't like about others. When I do screw up I bite the bullet and own up about where I am to blame and seek to right the situation. I'm definitely not perfect, but my goal is not to make the same mistakes twice and I can say that I sleep good at night with a clean conscience. However today I'm going to partake in a bit of complaining and *****ing.

 

Here's the bitter resentment part: my wife RARELY takes responsibility for hurtful things that she does. Sometimes out of ignorance, sometimes intentionally - like all human beings she makes choices that hurt others. She had a brief affair a couple of years ago (I caught her and actually posted about it here,) she won't get a job (our finances are BAD right now) and while she does cook (wonderfully) and do the laundry that is the extent of the housework she undertakes. The rest is up to me.

 

I feel like she's taken advantage of the "change of heart" I've had. I did treat her poorly in the past and I acknowledge that I had a lot to make up for once I woke up to the reality of how I used to live. But it's now been years and years of integrity and accountability with no effort from her to meet me in the middle or improve her own life. Any argument ends with me owning my part in it and asking how I can make up for it with her denying any culpability and attempting to abuse my desire to set things right by asking for unreasonable concessions in the relationship and lording my apology over me to emphasize what a jerk I am. She spends all day online (often she never even gets dressed) with Pinterest and Facebook and celebrity gossip sites while I'm at work and expects that my weekends be spent cleaning the house and doing other household chores. This will sound arrogant but I'm absolutely sick of feeling as though I'm in a one-sided relationship that's all give and no get.

 

Tonight when I get home I am going to suggest counseling again (it worked pretty well the short time we actually did go) and be braced for the storm that I must always weather if I get brave enough to say that I'm less than ecstatic about her or our relationship in any way. Will update anybody that cares to hear about it tomorrow morning.

 

-Zack

[Ms Darcy]

Does she know about the affairs? Sounds like she still has a lot of resentment over the past and counseling is a good idea for you both.

 

She sounds depressed, lonely, and numb.

[Skeptic76]

She knows about my two instances of infidelity. I told her when we were discussing whether or not to "start over" after I discovered her affair.

 

And I would agree that she seems very distant and lonely