Understanding the Psychology of Bullies - and how to deal with them

[Silverbirch]

Apologies for not posting earlier, but I have had a lot of work on and worked the last 6 days straight and only just saw this.

 

Hi Princy and thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom.

 

Hi also Purple Turtle. Bullies are often good at reading people (through experience) and they do often choose their targets for various reasons. In some cases, bullies will target people who pose a threat to them which is why they try to erode their confidence or they may target people they are jealous of.

 

Other times bullies will target people who they know won't fight back or show them up for their cowardly selves. I recall when I was at school, someone at some time told me how if you "take on" the "leader" of a pack of bullies that the others run off. They often side up with bullies because they don't want to be targets themselves. This still happens in my current workplace and I'm sure in many workplaces and environments.

 

Bullies will often also look for what they consider to be a "***** in a persons armor" because they will try and find ways to hurt you and find something you are sensitive about. For example, with highschool girl bullies, they will often focus on taunts relating to another girl's appearance because they know that practically all young girls have sensitivities related to their appearance.

 

Often bullies get off on that sort of thing because they are damaged people and control freaks. However, we are not their psychiatrists and we do not owe them.

[Purple Turtle]

what i don't understand is why did so many of the kids that bullied me seem very confident and had high self-esteem. you call them cowardly but most of the kids and teenagers that bullied me did not seem that way at all. they seemed like very happy, confident, mean, uncaring, human beings, not damaged people or cowardly people.

[Silverbirch]

Obviously I don't know them Purple Turtle, but I find it hard to believe that genuinely happy and confident people who are not somehow damaged would have a need or want to bully/and hurt another person especially one who does no harm to them. Do you have any ideas as to why they bullied you or have other people offered suggestions. In my case, one of my work colleagues who I have become friends with believes that some of the people who have bullied me do so because they feel threatened by me as they do not have qualifications and I do, and that one of those people in particular, she KNOWS comes from a background of abuse herself and has a lot of emotional problems. Most people would not automatically assume that about her when they initially know her, but as you get to know her more, some people get to see some odd things about her.

[Purple Turtle]

in my case i am a very sensitive person so that is why i think they bullied me but who knows. another thing my parents have said is it was because they were "jealous" of me since i guess i was good-looking, smart, and inquisitve. but i'll never know the real reason unfortunately.

[Silverbirch]

Purple Turtle, I'm sure there are many people who can tell you about running into bullies from school man years later. Some of the bullies turned out to be real losers. I recall this other girl who the bullies gave a terrible time to. Then I ran into her a couple of years later in a department store. She had turned out to be a really, really attractive young woman and got a perfect score when she completed highschool which enabled her to become a vet scientist which was what she always wanted to do. I remember at school just before exams, most of her notes were stolen from her schoolbag. It was at a private girls school and some of them were so nasty and yes, threatened by her intelligence, that they stooped to such low levels to do something so despicable.

[Seraphim]

I think all of us have experienced bullying. I know I did in grade school as everyone does. I did in high school because I had been molested and I told someone and they told the entire school and I was the objected of daily bullying for 3 years. I have been bullied at work too. That I have fought successfully. The bullying in High School I think though because of the very sensitive nature of what I was being bullied about has changed me for life. I do not trust people easily. I VERY seldom let people inside my inner core, that even includes family. I am far far far more open on here because no one knows me. I know with me the first time you mess me over as a friend you are done. Family and loves well I would never desert my close family or my husband and son but other people, yep I can drop them without thinking twice. I do not take well to being messed over. I am very very sensitive but I can become hard as steel in an instant if you mess with me.

[Purple Turtle]

victoria what exactly do you mean when you say "if you mess with me" i'm just curious.

[Seraphim]

Betraying my friendship. Then people are instantly gone for that. I have no time of day for that . I have about 30 or a little mor years of my life left and I don't want to waste it on people who want to be mean to me.

[Purple Turtle]

victoria i know this might be a stupid question but what do you mean when you say "betraying my frindship". the only reason i ask is that this has happened to me myself, but i'm not sure whether it was a "betrayal" by friends or more of a "rejection". get back to me, thanks : )

[Princy]

Even i feel , as a person Am very sensitive, take things very personally...and thats the reason i guess people can hurt me soon..as far as possible I maintain a very friendly relation with everyone..Honestly I donn ***** about people or I don know whether I behave very kiddish..sometimes I feel may be they are jealous of me ..thats how I convince myself..

[Silverbirch]

Hi Princy,

Sorry that I only just saw your post here. There have been no major events since posting here, but just thought I would update to say that things are going okay ~Touch Wood~ and no issues for me with bullying in the workplace at present.

 

Princy, I think with me, that in the past I have given off a vibe from myself of wanting everyone to get along and trying to resolve things without fuss, and I think that especially bullies are good at knowing who they can and can't push around.

 

I have actually watched that bully closely in recent times, and she definitely targets people who she knows she can get away with it. Around people who are assertive, she is MUCH more easy-going. I can see a lot of her insecurities about work, and that makes bullies a lot less scarey.

[Princy]

Hello Silverbirch,thanks for that response since the topic of bullies are still happening..recently got to share something..I do regular workouts in the gym..there is this lady..who was very friendly with me (Instructor ) I have been very kind ..as a person am very polite, I don like to hurt people..sometimes she kind of treats me like a kid..kind of insulting me in front of everyone..sometimes due to heavy work schedule ..i don bother much talking to her.. I guess she feels she is ignored..and somehow she finds a reason to insult me..at least I have taken it like that..many times i felt I should talk to her..whats her problem? but then her arrogant attitude , her rudeness..just piss me off..

do you think am weak or under confident about myself..just felt like sharing..

[Purple Turtle]

Hi Princy,

Sorry that I only just saw your post here. There have been no major events since posting here, but just thought I would update to say that things are going okay ~Touch Wood~ and no issues for me with bullying in the workplace at present.

 

Princy, I think with me, that in the past I have given off a vibe from myself of wanting everyone to get along and trying to resolve things without fuss, and I think that especially bullies are good at knowing who they can and can't push around.

 

I have actually watched that bully closely in recent times, and she definitely targets people who she knows she can get away with it. Around people who are assertive, she is MUCH more easy-going. I can see a lot of her insecurities about work, and that makes bullies a lot less scarey.

 

silverbirch just wanted to ask why do you say that bullies are "insecure"??? i have to be honest but i totally disagree. how would an insecure person have the confidence/security to bully people and be mean to them? my experience with bullies has been that these people are very confident (not insecure) egocentric type people who for whatever reason are mean and like to bully people.

[Purple Turtle]

but then her arrogant attitude , her rudeness..just piss me off..

do you think am weak or under confident about myself..just felt like sharing..

 

why not just tell her off? if it was me (and this coming from a person who was bullied alot when i was younger and is very insecure myself but i HATE bullies) i would just try to scare them as much as possible. maybe say something like "just want to let you know i hate bullies and i hate rude arrogant people, so listen you better leave me alone cuz i will find out where you live and i'm not joking around, please don't mess with me". wouldn't that solve the problem with this woman, or is that too strong a response?

[Princy]

Purple turtle..that really makes lot of sense..guess all that we need is lil guts to speak on their face...Perhaps I would be doing that some day..since am so frustrated by this all

[Gingersmaps]

Pretty much all my life I've been bullied.Highschool, College, and in the work place unfortunately. It's why I am not social because I have horrible trust issues with other people besides my family. I also have chronic aniexty disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and a panic disorder. I'm a mess lol. Whenever I've come face to face with a bully I always end of trying to stand up for myself. I have done that so many times and I've been knocked down and traumatized because it didn't end well. So now I avoid human contact like it's the plauge and keep to myself with a few family trustworthy family members. Bullying is something really hard to deal with. Us, as the victims, have to learn how to stand up for ourselves and not let the bullies control our lives. My father always tells me that we, as people, all have the choice to choose how we feel and react towards different situations. Nobody is forcing us to make a choice to be bullied, and therefore we have to be brave enough to have a voice.

[Princy]

I got to agree with you ginger maps, its a kind of smartness we need to tackle the bullies..most of the time in order to confront such bullies I just walk off silent without saying a word..But the anger is so filled in me am unable to speak out anything..It has affected me personally wherein i dont concentrate at work or home I just shouting literally on silly things.

Of course with silverbirch ,these bullies are insecure in their own way, perhaps to outcome this..they try to act bossy on others..this has repeated in all my workplace..am so scared now i feel if i join some other company I have to go through all this again..

[Purple Turtle]

I got to agree with you ginger maps, its a kind of smartness we need to tackle the bullies..most of the time in order to confront such bullies I just walk off silent without saying a word..But the anger is so filled in me am unable to speak out anything..It has affected me personally wherein i dont concentrate at work or home I just shouting literally on silly things.

Of course with silverbirch ,these bullies are insecure in their own way, perhaps to outcome this..they try to act bossy on others..this has repeated in all my workplace..am so scared now i feel if i join some other company I have to go through all this again..

 

again i have to disagree with princy and silverbirch. i do not think the majority of bullies are insecure, most bullies are very confident and secure but just mean ******* people for whatever reason. maybe a minority are insecure deep down but i think they make up a small percent of bullies, but who knows maybe i'm wrong...

[Purple Turtle]

gingersmaps i have a few questions for you, please get back to me when you can. you say you were bullied in HS, college, and the workplace but what about in middle school? for me the worst bullying i was subjected to was between 11-14, in HS it wasn't that bad.

 

when you say you've been "knocked down" when you try to stand up to bullies what do you mean exactly?

 

when you say you "avoid human contact" what do you mean? do you not go out of the house, and if you do do you not socialize with people? and what about dating, how do you meet boyfriends if you don't socialize with people, or do you not date?

 

do you take any medications for PTSD, and anxiety, etc, and has anything else traumatizing happened to you BESIDES being bullied?

 

were you bullied my men or women or both?

 

me personally i understand being afraid of the bully-type ******* person but what i usually have done (although i rarely leave my house so i haven't had too many encounters with bullies lately) is tried to scare them myself by making violent threats toward them to "leave me alone or else i will do so and so". it can be a little risky though because if the bully is a sociopath it usually won't work.

[Gingersmaps]

It's funny because after I wrote that post I thought about it, and I have to say that yes, I think my first incounter with bullying was actually elementary school in fifth grade. I remember because they had a puppet show about bullying when I was there and I asked the puppet if girls can be bullies too. lol. In middle school I don't remember being bullied, but I do remember being lost and feeling like an outcast.

 

When I say I've been "knocked down" is that when I am being bullied by someone, my usual response is to hold it all in and then explode on them in anger because I couldn't take the games anymore. When that happens, the bully yelled right back at me, made up gossip about me,physically hurt me, or in some severe cases tried to get rid of me (not murder). To me that is being knocked down because ,as the vicitm in a situation, you finally had the nerve to stand up for yourself, and then you feel so small when the bullies fight right back. You just feel so small. That's why I call it being knocked down.

 

I have very few close friends and all of them are a lot older than I am. I have a few good friends that I keep in contact with, but they do not live near by. I've given up on dating or being in a relationship with anyone because I feel like I always cause drama. I act different around strangers or people I don't know/trust because I'm scared they won't like the real me. It's a bad habit that I'm trying to break. People always get this reaction that I'm being fake, *****y, or arrogant when I try to keep a distance. Mostly everything I do, I do by myself. I avoid people because I'm scared of people. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

 

 

I have taken medication. I have medication at this moment, but I have always have been a strong believer of "there is no magic pill". I don't like medication, and most of the time even if I'm on it, I don't want to take it. I used to take it when I was feeling really bad, but then the after affects ,because I would stop, made my body go crazy. I would have dizziness, fatigue, mood swings, and even suicidal thoughts. Bottom line is, I don't take my pills even though I have them.

 

Yes I have been bullied by men and women. Mostly women when I was younger, and now as I have grown older and started working I've been bullied by men. I have no idea which one is worse.

 

I think I got all your questions purple turtle

[LovelyLezo]

You should refer to your organisations procedures and policies. I wouldn't be meeting with ANYBODY in my own time, little lone WITHOUT a witness. Unfortunately, what you say is true. Some managers cannot be trusted.

 

If i were you, i'd start keeping a journal of what happens on each shift. You also need to familiarise yourself with their policies and procedures and refer to them when making a complaint. Most organisations in Aust. are scared to death of having a complaint escalated to Fair Work Australia.

[LovelyLezo]

Would welcome any advice from you, especially with regard to communications with bullies when they are yelling at people or being manipulative.

 

I find colluding and covert bullying to hardest to deal with. Any suggestions from anyone?

[Purple Turtle]

 

I think I got all your questions purple turtle

 

yes you have thanks

 

just a few more questions if you don't mind. how have you kept the few close friends you have, and where do you know them from, work, school, or someplace else? me personally i lost all of my friends (which was only 3 friends which i knew from elementary school) the summer after i turned 20 when they started to focus more on college and started to distance themselves from me for whatever reason. since then i have literally NO FRIENDS, and that was 8 years ago. how old are you and do you live alone or with your parents?

[LovelyLezo]

The psychology of bullies is that they're pathetic. I've just experienced yet another case of bullying by none other than my team leader (a disparaging remark in front of other people, as usual). Am really feeling your pain Silverbirch and am on the verge of looking for another job too.

[Princy]

Trust me, any time I plan to join back work..I feel I might again face another bully and then how do I go about it, am loosing confidence these days