Understanding the Psychology of Bullies - and how to deal with them

[amipushy]

Anyone who is having problems with workplace bullying or need an insight into their mind would be wise to read link removed

 

My advice after years of studying bullying is to leave, particularly if you hear they are telling people behind your back that you have a mental disorder because a key identifying factor of people with personality disorders is that they project their own mental disorder on to you.

 

I personally think the word 'bully is a very weak term and think 'psychological terrorism' is far more apt, particularly where the serial bully- a person with a personality disorder is concerned.

[Gingersmaps]

Sorry it took so long to reply purple turtle. I didn't realize you responded again. I live with my parents for the moment because I withdrew from college and currently have no job. The only reason I have friend at all is because I became close with my dad's girlfriend's friends. They are not my age and I rarely ever see them. The friends that I do have my age are not close with me. I see each of them maybe once or twice a year if I'm lucky. I'm in a state right now where I don't want to have relationships with anyone besides my family.

[Purple Turtle]

Sorry it took so long to reply purple turtle. I didn't realize you responded again. I live with my parents for the moment because I withdrew from college and currently have no job. The only reason I have friend at all is because I became close with my dad's girlfriend's friends. They are not my age and I rarely ever see them. The friends that I do have my age are not close with me. I see each of them maybe once or twice a year if I'm lucky. I'm in a state right now where I don't want to have relationships with anyone besides my family.

 

thanks for responding gingersmaps. 2 last questions: are you in your 20's, 30's or younger, and in the future how do you plan on making friends? that's one of the things i worry about alot is how someone like me who doesn't work or go outside much can make non-romantic friendships once i start going out more.

[Silverbirch]

So sorry all that I have not been able to post of late as I do not currently have access to a home commputer and can't post from work due to firewalls.

 

I MAY have my laptop back tomorrow and will do my best to respond to the questions here. Hope you are all doing okay. Atm, I am not experiencing any bullying in the workplace at all. Another worker said to me yesterday that there seems to currently be a real turnaround with the person I wrote about here earlier who is renowned for bullying.

 

On the positive side of things, I recently approached a manager at work and told her I thought I could make some positive suggestions for dealing with some current issues in the workplace (which have subsequently cost the organisation a LOT of money and strained their resources). I suggested initiating a pilot project at one of the facilities where I work would entail the formation of an ethics committee to address concerns workers may have about their practices (but this would be in relations towards clients). I've got lots of ideas, and I believe due to previous studies, have the knowledge of how one should go about establishing such a structure in that particular workplace. The manager was extremely receptive and thinks it's a great idea and she has invited me to attend a staff meeting in January to put forward that idea to staff. Regardless of whether staff choose to consider such a project, it's made me realise that I would like to be moving towards working with rights - but in my case, client rights. I'm feeling LOADS more confident than what I did when I first started this thread.

 

THANKS. I'll be back and wish you all a safe and happy Xmas.

[Silverbirch]

Trust me, any time I plan to join back work..I feel I might again face another bully and then how do I go about it, am loosing confidence these days

 

Hope Everyone is doing well and you are having a good Xmas. Well, I understand so well about the "losing confidence thing". What I am finding with myself is that with the surge of confidence I have felt, it's as though, the bully will pick up on genuine confidence with their antennae and back off. My confidence is coming back more and more due to reganiing a sense of self through getting back in touch with some issues I feel passionate about which also enables me to step outside of myself - if even for a short while. I hope that makes sense.

 

I have been regaining my sense of social justice - the organisation I work for is meant to advocate on social justice issues for their clients, but a lot of the time, that has gone by the by, and even in the media, the organisation has been criticised for the bullying, mostly from management.

 

The question about covert bullying is interesting and I think being knowledgeable and genuinely confident helps with that as well. It's a sticky one though. I do believe that over a long period of time, bullies, even if they do their bullying covertly, can more often than not catch themselves up in their own webs.

[Celadon]

I plan to read through this whole thread when I have the time, as there looks like there are some great resources here. But for now, I will just say that I've been dealing with a subtle bully at work for more than a year. My latest thought on this situation is that having boundaries means giving yourself permission to laugh at the bully for his/her behavior. Not out loud, but to yourself and maybe to a close friend. The behavior really is laughable (someone who is so insecure that they need to be mean to someone else to feel better), and by doing so, you stop feeling intimidated.

[Purple Turtle]

The behavior really is laughable (someone who is so insecure that they need to be mean to someone else to feel better)

 

why are people on this forum so sure that bullies are "insecure" and not just mean jerk-type people? i'm confused since most of the bullies that i've come accross seemed very confident and egotistical.

[Celadon]

Oh I agree about egotistical. But I don't view true confidence as needing to treat others badly. Someone who is that egotistical can't bear to admit they are wrong, and that is not how people who are truly secure in themselves behave.

[Celadon]

OK, I have now read through the thread and I wanted to say that I appreciate everyone's comments and sharing. I'm glad I'm not alone. I have actually dealt with more than one bully at the workplace, but fortunately we let the first bully go, so I don't have to deal with him anymore. He was truly awful.

 

Also, Purple Turtle, I realize you asked that question before about bullies being confident, not insecure. Maybe there are many kinds of bullies. Since you are a man, maybe you have been physically bullied. I imagine that bullies who are confident in their physical prowess like to exercise that domination. So I can see what you are saying about bullies being confident.

 

I think that is different than what I've experienced, which has not been physical. What both types have in common, though, is that they enjoy power. Some are good at achieving power. That would make them appear confident. But (again) I agree with whoever said that a truly confident person doesn't wield power in order to harm others. I don't know what that character quality of a bully is, but I wouldn't call it "confidence." That's just me. I would call it self-absorption, maybe narcissism, maybe pathetic-ness.

 

From my own experience, I don't think it's helpful for me to consider WHY a bully is targeting me. I think doing so just sucks me into the whole "he thinks he's better than I am" frame of mind, which is EXACTLY what the bully wants. Now, I am not good (yet) at putting distance between me and bully's attempts to make me feel bad. But I am hoping that some techniques will help me: First, instead of shrinking from the bully, move TOWARD the bully. Instead of avoiding the person's desk, intentionally walk by the person's desk. Instead of turning away from the person as he/she walks by, turn toward the person and look directly at the person. Instead of avoiding talking with the person, walk by the person and say, "Hi, John."

 

This is all regarding handling subtle bullying -- the person who tries to belittle you by acting like you don't exist or like they can't be bothered by you. The person who responds to your inquiries with one-word answers and makes sure not to give you eye contact.

 

I'm also working on my mental framework for the bully. The person is not powerful, better than me or anything like that. He or she is small, hollow, ridiculous, self-absorbed, clownish, incapable of self-control, insignificant and laughable. His or her behavior doesn't matter in the slightest. The reasons for his or her behavior don't matter in the slightest. MY behavior is what counts, and I will move toward the person, take up space, speak loudly and act without emotion.

[Celadon]

^ I tried some of the techniques yesterday and it turned out well. I didn't realize before I was shrinking away from this person ... I was acting intimidated... so it felt GREAT to be the one moving toward. And focusing on my own actions and considering this person's actions towards me absolutely irrelevant. Because they are.

[Silverbirch]

Great Posts and Congratulations Celadon. I hope you will post more about your experiences with the bully. I haven't gotten to see much of "the bully" of late, but I have had other really good things happen. I've been offered another job with p/t hours within the same organisation I work for - at a place I worked at around 3 years ago, and then came back to do casual work for. This is the place where the manager is where I suggested that an ethics committee be formed within that workplace. I chatted with her more about that today and the meeting should take place next week. She's asked me if I will be able to give a presentation about the subject as I also mentioned that I have researched the work of some other organisations who have successfully undertaken similar projects. I'm excited about the possibility about such a project for many reasons. ONE of the reasons is that it should provide a structure for people to be able to discuss differences of opinion, but then be able to draw on specific legal documents to inform and guide policy and practice. Another aim is to encourage people to come together as a team. I think that because I'm feeling excited about that (and have also spoken with a lawyer who works in my field who says she is very impressed with the proposed project) that the bully truly does seem insignificant. I have the choice of staying part-time in my old job where the bully is and taking extra hours at the other place where hopefully there will be an ethics committee OR giving up the job altogether where the bully is. The thing is that I like the clients at that workplace so at this stage don't want to give that up.

 

How is everyone else going with experiences regarding bullies. Hey Purple, just my opinion about bullies being insecure - I could be wrong and people are all individuals and different. People who are labelled "narcissists" are usually bullies and I think that there are different types of narcissists - many of who are said to have superiority complexes and a sense of entitlement.

[Celadon]

How is everyone else going with experiences regarding bullies. Hey Purple, just my opinion about bullies being insecure - I could be wrong and people are all individuals and different. People who are labelled "narcissists" are usually bullies and I think that there are different types of narcissists - many of who are said to have superiority complexes and a sense of entitlement.

 

Hi Silverbirch, and everyone. How great that you have the job opportunity. And also how great that you are not letting fear of the bully and desire to leave the bully dictate what your decision will be! Let us know what you decide.

 

As for me, some more stress in my life because of the bully. I agree with what you said about narcissists. It does seem like the type of bully I have encountered usually tries to use their social skills to get what they want and to make others feel isolated. It's all about them and how they are being treated. The irony is that they are the type who are fine with treating other people badly, so long as it's in their best interest.

 

But you know what? I don't respect people who do that--and ultimately, those of us who are thoughtful and kind should value our own opinions strongly enough so that when we come accross bullies we feel sorry for them instead of intimidated by them. Why let the BULLY dictate what reality is? Anyone who wishes harm to another person--what kind of life is that? What kind of soul does that person have? The reality is that the person is to be pitied.

 

Another thing is, bullies try to make you think they are better than you. But that's wrongheaded thinking. We are all different, and we are able to change and grow. So, why would it matter to anyone else, unless they're competitive or insecure, how you are? If you go home to a small apartment or if you go home to mansion, who cares? If you can tell jokes or if you can't, why is that any concern of anyone else?

 

So again, if there's someone who wishes me harm, or wishes you harm, they're really kind of sad. That's how I try to think, anyway. It would be helpful if others agree with me on this, to know I'm not alone. Strength in numbers!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Celadona and thank you. I think you have a great outlook. The bully in your life will soon pick up on your outlook and likely back off. I'm interested to find out.

 

Well, yesterday I was asked to stay back at that workplace because the manager wanted me to choose which shifts I want to work. I got exactly the ones I wanted. I saw another manager today from another place where I have just been working weekends. I told her that I wanted to drop one of my weekends and just have them as days off. The organisation's policy is usually that you need to work at least 20 hours per fortnight to remain as a permanent worker so I knew that she might give me an ultimatum that by reducing hours I would lose my permanent status. She was great and said that would be fine and said I could drop a weekend from whenever I want. I'll leave that for another 3 weeks and then that will be so good to have that time off. She also offered me a heap of casual work which I didn't take at this stage.

 

I've spoken with a couple of workers from the site where I will present on ethics and human rights committees and told them a little about the idea I wanted to put to staff to consider. They were very receptive and positive - so far, so good. The meeting will be on the 16th January so wish me luck. I'm feeling quite confident even though I am expecting that there will be one person there, a man, who a lot of people consider a bully. He is critical of a lot of things and would likely see such a project as a threat to him - because it is about democratic processes. I thought out how I will handle him, and the advice I have given myself is to try not to take his comments personally - that's how he is. Also for me to keep my mind focused on the purposes, values and practices of ethics and human rights committees and not allow myself to be dragged into a "personalities game". If I can stay focused instead on the "arguments" of human rights and ethics, I should be able to express myself without personalising anything or becoming emotionally charged. Hope that makes sense.

[Silverbirch]

I meant to say also that a young woman at work made an interesting comment to me yesterday about another worker who has been stood down pending investigation over bullying allegations over MANY years - she even had been accused of trying to bully managers.

 

The young woman said to me: "I finally worked M out and confronted her and after that she left me alone. Most people treat others with respect and are nice to them unless the other person does something not nice to them. "M" works in reverse. She treats everyone disrespectfully and isn't nice to anyone unless they look her straight in the eye and calmly put her in her place. Then she leaves them alone."

 

I think her assessment of that particular bully was right. I knew that bully for quite a number of years. She told me a few years ago of how her father had post-traumatic stress for the rest of his life after serving in WW2 and becoming a prisoner of war in New Guinea. She inferred that he had bouts of aggression and bullying, and she said something like: "He did his best . . . even though that wasn't good . . . but I know it was the best he could do because of how he was." She was tearey-eyed when she said that to me.