darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 My sister has decided to marry a boy who is a few years younger to her, not a Catholic, and well, is not as well-placed as my sister in the career department. She wishes to marry in October next year and has not yet told our parents. Our parents are staunch Catholics, and for them, marrying out of the religion is as worse as, or worse than, having premarital sex. I have tried every reason - sound and logical - to make her understand that she needs to inform them since that is the least she can do and that is what she owes them. But she keeps stalling it all. She says she wants to tell them only six months in advance. Now I know, from experience that when people stall, they will, in all probability, not tell, or they might inform the parents just a week or less before marrying. I don't want to be the one to be telling them, and I sincerely don't want to be accused of not telling them (since they know I am close to my sister, they will quite naturally conclude I knew it all). So, I set a deadline for my sister. She first agreed to it, and then went back on it. She says she doesn't want to for Mother will try to brainwash her out of marrying the man. I have told her that that is what she will have to deal with, and she had better start if off now than later. I know my parents will cry and all that, but I don't want them to be the last to know of this. Be what they may be, they are parents, and they knowing when their daughter marries is of importance to them. Also, if they have to cry and trundle through accusatory conversations, I feel they had better be started on it sooner than later. And this is what I did tell my sister. But she quite summarily refuses to listen. Finally, I told her she is being unreasonable and that either I tell them when the deadline expires or she does. She refused this too. So I told her that unless she tells them, I am not going to talk to her. My question is: What should I do? If she refuses to tell them now (her boyfriend and she have been planning the wedding for more than a year and his parents know about it all), should I go ahead and tell the parents when the deadline expires? I feel terrible standing mute and watching this tornado approaching my parents without me so much as warning them about what's coming their way. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 part of me doesn't blame her .... she is clearly in for the huge religious debate/put down /hassle/ disrespect/no understanding who the hell needs that but you can;t be put in the middle of this either .. ask her to do it in a letter if the other option is not at all Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 It is up to her if she wants your parents knowing, you may not agree with her choice, but planning a wedding and a future is hard when your family are damning you for marrying out of their religion and will try to guilt her and make her feel bad. Who wants that? This is supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I would have said she should tell her parents about her relationship, but she knows their reaction. And you are reacting the same way, which is unfair. You should support her not try and make her feel bad. Give her time. Parents dont deserve to know every little thing that happens in our lives it is not their right. Link to comment
darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Parents dont deserve to know every little thing that happens in our lives it is not their right. Marriage is a little thing these days, is it? Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 ... Thats not what I said. But it isn't their RIGHT to know, she doesn't owe them that, she owes herself happiness, and if telling her parents is going to cause stress and unhappiness then she's better off keeping it to herself. Just the same if she was a lesbian, it is her choice who she tells. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Marriage is a little thing these days, is it? equally as you feel it is a big thing your sis aint telling them ..she feels they are going to ruin it if its big , then its big both sides Link to comment
darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 ... ...and if telling her parents is going to cause stress and unhappiness then she's better off keeping it to herself. Just the same if she was a lesbian, it is her choice who she tells. ...and the stress parents will be put through? How about that? The thing is her decision will affect lives - like it or not. And that she has to deal with sooner than later. Yes, one's own happiness is dear, but one has to keep in mind, and duly deal with, the result of steps taken to ensure one's own happiness. For happiness is always related to that of your immediate ones. Link to comment
darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 equally as you feel it is a big thing your sis aint telling them ..she feels they are going to ruin it if its big , then its big both sides Yes, it is big. Very big a deal indeed. Well, if she loves him and he, she; their saying anything should not affect her or her happiness. All I ask is that she tell them and tell them way ahead so they do whatever they have to. Else, I'll be dragged into the proceedings for not telling. That I don't want to be a party to. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 but darcy you have to look at why she is doing this ... her happiness is going to be disrepsected and in one of the worst and god fearing ways there is ... Our parents are staunch Catholics, and for them, marrying out of the religion is as worse as, or worse than, having premarital sex she is going to be made to feel bad , feel unhappy , they are going to rain all over her sunshine and do their upmost using there religious dissapointment in her to get her to "see" sense.. I really dont blame her . If your parents cannot accept that her chosen one is not a catholic then they have to be responsible for their part in her reluctance to tell them . Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Yes, it is big. Very big a deal indeed. Well, if she loves him and he, she; their saying anything should not affect her or her happiness. All I ask is that she tell them and tell them way ahead so they do whatever they have to. Else, I'll be dragged into the proceedings for not telling. That I don't want to be a party to. I TOTALLY see how this is so unfair on you darling ...your just stuck .. what about a letter ...would your sis do that ...that way they get to know , she doesnt have to stand before them and get their wrath and you can breathe easy ... this is not fair on you and I understand how in the middle you feel. there was a post similar to this last week ..same thing ..sister wouldnt tell parents , poster felt just like you . Link to comment
darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 I TOTALLY see how this is so unfair on you darling ...your just stuck .. what about a letter ...would your sis do that ...that way they get to know , she doesnt have to stand before them and get their wrath and you can breathe easy ... this is not fair on you and I understand how in the middle you feel. there was a post similar to this last week ..same thing ..sister wouldnt tell parents , poster felt just like you . Thank you Ms Star. Yes, I feel very much like a man in the middle - not for my fault at all. I think a letter should do. I'll have to talk to her about this. The things one does when one is in luurve! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Thank you Ms Star. Yes, I feel very much like a man in the middle - not for my fault at all. I think a letter should do. I'll have to talk to her about this. The things one does when one is in luurve! aww bless ya mate , honest to god I would hate to be in your shoes .. I am a mum and I have been trying to think how I would feel if it was my girl ...ohhh made me fillup it did , but also made me realise to never have my own expectations for her that are so high , it causes this . lesson for all of us really ... I do so hope darcy that this all has a happy outcome ... best wishes , your a good daughter and a good sister x crap Yes, I feel very much like a man in the middle apologies I presumed you female for some reason Link to comment
darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 aww bless ya mate , honest to god I would hate to be in your shoes .. best wishes , your a good daughter and a good sister x Make that, good son and a good brother! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Make that, good son and a good brother! yeah hahaha I just edited my post cos I just realised sorry Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 ...and the stress parents will be put through? How about that? The thing is her decision will affect lives - like it or not. And that she has to deal with sooner than later. Yes, one's own happiness is dear, but one has to keep in mind, and duly deal with, the result of steps taken to ensure one's own happiness. For happiness is always related to that of your immediate ones. The parents need to accept her for who she is, she isn't here to make her parents happy, her parents should be happy they bought their daughter up with the ability to make good strong choices for herself. She may have to deal with it sooner or later yes, but it is up to her when and how she deals with it. You preasuring her is going to make her pull further away from the family, look at your reaction, your sister see's that and then multiplies that to gauge how your parents will react. which isnt good. She needs support, and she wont get that from the parents because of religion. How is that fair? Your putting her on the spot because you don't want to deal with it. You don't have to. You can support her and be with her when she tells your parents and accept that she needs to do things this way so as to minimise pain for herself and her husband to be. Happiness ONLY comes from within, family cannot make you happy and you cannot rely on family for happiness. I get your in a tough position knowing this, but you're making it less likely for her to talk to your parents because you are putting unfair preasure on her. Offer to stand by her side and stand up for her, help her write a letter to your parents anything but don't put ultimatums on her. Link to comment
darcyausten Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Well, I would like to disagree with your views on happiness. She is marrying to bring herself happiness. So she is relying on someone to bring her happiness. So happiness does depend on others - family as well. I am asking her to tell - which is what she has to do any which way through a letter or otherwise. And I am asking her to stand up to her decision - now than keep stalling it over and over (It's been more than a year she has decided to marry the guy). So of course I am supporting her. Which is why I want her to face what her decisions will bring her. With due respect to your views on family, happiness, etc., I feel one cannot just walk away without explaining why one has done what one has done. After all, as children, we did ask parents for an explanation and it's only fair they are informed of what we do. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Parents do not have the right to be a part of someones life if they cannot accept their childs decisions, and they wont accept her decision to marry out of your religion. Maybe she is marrying for happiness, and if that is the reason it's not a good one, happiness can only come from within as you can only rely on yourself. No one else is going to be there for you through lifes difficulities and fun times. People can and will filter in and out. I appriciate your view on family and happiness, maybe your sister doesn't accept that view any more due to them being closed off and strict about the type of person they want their daughter to be with, and if she cannot trust them to be happy for her and support her, then they don't deserve a part in that. My veiws are very different to yours, but maybe this is how your sister feels. I hope she will tell them, because after the initial shock they may support her, but who would openly go into a situation where they are going to get put down and hurt? I know I wouldn't. Like I said, and Star did, offer to be there with her when she tells the parents, or help with writing a letter. Or if they don't know the guy, maybe ask her to organise a meal for her him you and your parents, in a public place so they (may) don't have a harsh reaction, and slowly tell them of the plans. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 My husband's sister has done everything to make her parents happy. At 41 she has no boyfriend. Been on one date and only moved out of their home 4 years ago. They wanted to suck up her life and control it and live it for her. Well now her parents are 80 and will die sometime soon and she will have no one. Imagine how unhappy she is going to be? It is a parent's job to raise INDEPENDENT human beings. Your parents can not live her life for her And I don't blame her for not wanting the BS that will ensue . Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 What is her relationship with your parents like? She obviously doesn't trust them to not make her miserable about it, to not sent her away from the family. Your sister is responsible for her happiness. That to her obviously means marrying this man and reducing the impact of her parent's on the marriage. My gradfathers brother married a non-catholic lady in his twenties. I only found out about him when my granddad died and my Uncle tracked him down for the funeral. His family completely shut him out. His parents died, his brother died and he only saw them at funerals. He is back with us now but that's 60 years he lost because he married the "wrong" person. Link to comment
sidehop Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I hate to say it but I agree with others that said it's up to her. As much as the relationship with the parents are important, if they're going to (assuming) be offended or not agreeing with the marriage then why make her more miserable you know? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I'm sorry she told you and stuck you in the middle, but I think you should tell her that as far as you or her know, you know nothing and keep it that way. Don't discuss, pretend not to know. That way when/if they find out, they won't be mad at you. This is her business though, not yours, and you need to butt out of things and stop guilting her. I don't blame her for not telling. My boyfriend's parents are Catholic and they are C-R-A-Z-Y. I don't think there's a possibility of me marrying him until both of them have aged more and died. So I totally understand her not wanting her parents to know about. They are going to give her hell and I doubt they are going to respect her relationship. I say good for her! Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 As with many traditional/religious families, the guilt tripping and 'brainwashing' can be quite severe. It seems to me you are more panicked about becoming a target of that once it becomes clear that you had knowledge and didn't inform your parents right away, so it's not about 'parents right' but about wanting to avoid your parents reactions towards yourself. if you are already panicked about what your parents will do/think/feel for you not telling them, can you imagine how much bigger the panic for your sister must be? You know yourself that rationalization and logical arguments don't really work with someone who has very strong and rigid beliefs. It can leave mental and emotional scares on someone who doesn't share the same view point. Let your sister enjoy the time leading up to her marriage and organizing the wedding without having to deal with your parents on top. Yes, she will have to tell them eventually, but I completely understand why she wants to postpone it as much as possible and why she wants to shorten the time frame for your parents to brainwash her into rethinking her choice. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I have to say not all Catholic families are this way. I am a pretty staunch Catholic and I would never dream of telling my son who to or not marry. I would not want to drive him away and nor would I want to live his life for him. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 My parents are extremely religious (not Catholics, but Protestant-leaning non-denominational). Back when I was in relationship-mode, that was one of the reasons that I didn't bother telling them about my relationships. They have enough problems/drama as it is, and I've tried not to add to it, even if those problems are only in their mind. Link to comment
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