Dating a married man

[SadBlueEyes]

Listen, Citygal. I am in the same position as you are basically, in love with a married man. And yes, we did not bend their arms or threaten them to be with us, it was their choice, and it is also their responsibilities at home with the wife and kids. My suggestion to you is do exactly what your heart is telling you. Live each day one at a time, like myself. And enjoy the moment, pleasures, feelings, thoughts that you two share. Because the way the world is today, one never knows what is going to happen in the future. So, make each day with him special, and dont worry about what these other poster people have said to you. They are jealous that we have found people to feel a passion for, to get excited about. They are most probably bored with their lives and are afraid to take a chance and do something exciting. Go for it, but also remember that you will get hurt, like myself. But the hurt goes away, and the memories stay forever...............

[Mun]

dont worry about what these other poster people have said to you. They are jealous that we have found people to feel a passion for, to get excited about. They are most probably bored with their lives and are afraid to take a chance and do something exciting.

 

I think you have it wrong Sadblueyes... most of the people who have posted against affairs have integrity and a conscience.

 

I won't tell either one of you that you are wrong, I don't think I have done that. I will tell you that you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

I am divorced and I know that when you are unhappily married you will leave and NOTHING can make you stay in Hell. The most important thing is to get out of there and find happiness. That's why I never believe the whole " I can't leave " story.

 

He is going to spend anniversaries, birthdays, family parties with his family. They are his real world... you will get love in the shadows, hidden away like a terrible secret.

 

Remember: We all get what we settle for.

 

Don't you think you deserve better?

[Beec]

In my original post, I tried to be non-judgmental. I also think you are potentially on a road to ruin. We go for those who give us emotional fulfillment, make us feel special, while they remain aloof and independent, and we also want what we cannot have. (Look at the principals on link removed (its free).) If it is easy for him to have what he has with you and have his wife. His motivation for seeing you may be the idea that he can only have you part of the time, and shouldn't have you at all.

 

Just giving in to him is not the way to make him pick. Isn't that what you want him to do?

[SecondChance]

I think someone else alluded to this but I want to emphasize it. The MAJORITY of affairs happen when the marriage is ALREADY coming apart. So, it's NOT out of the ordinary that he "fell in love" with you, Citygal, because it happens ALL THE TIME with married people. The research on marraige and divorce shows that happily married people don't have affairs, and UNhappily married people do. They're lonely, they need attention, they want sex, whatever.

 

I emphasize this because it sounds like you feel that there are UNIQUE circumstances to your relationship because the marriage was ALREADY in trouble. Your description just had the aura of "destiny" and "once in a million" and "fate" to me. I just wanted to make it clear that while your FEELINGS may be magical, how your relationship came about is totally common, and happens all the time. Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I understand that you don't feel responsible because you already feel that there was "trouble in paradise." To be frank, in a way, that is true - BECAUSE this guy was so primed for an affair, and if it didn't happen with you, it would have happened with someone else. What I'd encourage you to consider is his pattern of solving problems in relationships. Right now you two are IN LOVE, which I'm sure feels WONDERFUL. However, once upon a time, he was probably in love with his current wife. In addition, BEFORE THAT, he was probably in love with his FIRST WIFE. What happened???

 

Maybe they turned out to be awful horrible people and YOU are different and the love that you have will last forever. The more realistic probability is that after the "honeymoon period" - and EVERY relationship goes through a honeymoon period - when the time came to start working on the REAL stuff - getting to know a person for who they really are, honest communication about stuff that none of us like to talk about, resolving conflict and anger management, negotiating and compomising when people want totally different things - this guy checked out. Instead of working through it, dragging his wife to counseling, sticking it out, keeping his promises and his marital vows... he checked out. Twice.

 

Now, I realize I could be TOTALLY wrong about him, and maybe he tried as hard as he could in both of his marriages - or well, his first marriage anyway - has he tried counseling in his second marraige? Maybe he has. Maybe the women he was with gave up and checked out sooner than he did. I just want you to INVESTIGATE this, especially if you want a FUTURE with him. If you just want a warm, yummy, honeymoon of a relationship, then that is probably what you are going to get. But if he checked out on them, he's probably going to check out on you.

 

Even if he came to you tomorrow and said, "GUESS WHAT? I'm getting a divorce and LET'S GET MARRIED!," his track record for long-term relationships ISN'T ALL THAT GREAT. I would encourage you to find out WHY.

 

Good luck.

 

 

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[bnybrain]

Maybe some of you are right and I should not be with him physically, but it's hard not to be.

 

So i guess it is whatever makes you happy...hmm?

[citygal]

They are jealous that we have found people to feel a passion for, to get excited about. They are most probably bored with their lives and are afraid to take a chance and do something exciting. Go for it, but also remember that you will get hurt, like myself. But the hurt goes away, and the memories stay forever...............

 

 

Hi,

 

I see your point as well. I do make the best of each day and the few times that we can spend together. I feel alive again inside. It's been a while since someone has made me feel this way.

I don't think the others are jealous. I have to differ with you there. I really just think that some how this type of thing has touched them in their own lives/families and they know the hurt it can sometimes cause depending on the circumstances. I don't hate them for lashing out. It's not me that they are mad at personally.

[citygal]

I will tell you that you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

I am divorced and I know that when you are unhappily married you will leave and NOTHING can make you stay in Hell. The most important thing is to get out of there and find happiness. That's why I never believe the whole " I can't leave " story.

 

He is going to spend anniversaries, birthdays, family parties with his family. They are his real world... you will get love in the shadows, hidden away like a terrible secret.

 

 

Yes maybe I will get hurt and it won't be the first time. But if I don't try to see where this may go, then I'll never know and wonder what if.

I feel that he is worth the time and effort to find out.

I don't think he/she is living in hell. They do not have a violent marriage that either needs to run. He doesn't strike me as being that type of man at all. I've heard a little bit that she has a temper and goes off. At least the side of him that I see is very low key and gentle and fun. He seems to do his own thing with his friends (fish, hunts). He's been away the last 5 days with his buddies on a hunting trip. I've missed him every day

I'll just give it another month or two to see if there is a chance that maybe we were meant to be. I won't wait a lifetime alone and settle for 2nd best.

[bnybrain]

"I don't hate them for lashing out. It's not me that they are mad at personally."

 

Okay, thanx for acknowledging this fact. Its so hard for us to not lash out on you, you are the enemy that has destroyed my family. How can I not be bewildered? I'm not jealous, but, hehe, that was kind of cute to justify our "lashing-out" behaviour as such. I have just gone through so much pain, let's just say that my family's life has been turned upside down because of my father and his mistress. There is not a second that goes by that we do not feel the betrayal. It has taken us three years to get back on track, my mother and my siblings... It has been an uphill climb. And even where we are presently, however more pleasant it is than before, it is still a dark valley. We struggle.

 

You sound so in love with him. I hope you figure things out....

 

Hannah

[citygal]

Okay, thanx for acknowledging this fact. Its so hard for us to not lash out on you, you are the enemy that has destroyed my family.

 

 

No my dear, "I" am NOT your enemy. Your father had a huge roll in what happened. Don't always be so fast to blame the mistress. I understand your hurt. Believe me I would not want to hurt anyone. I did not seek this out.

I hope your family wounds heal and you all can move on.

If you feel the need to lash-out some more, please don't write to me. I am not your enemy. I am here for my own reasons. I won't be responsible for someone elses grief.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you can get past this and maybe forgive your dad and still keep in in your life. Best wishes

[bnybrain]

I think you meant to write: my father had a huge "role" R-o-l-e , not roll.

 

I will stop reading this post, it makes me sick to my stomach how you people are so content and not bothered. Suit yourself. I just hope that you never find yourself in the same situation as his wife.... or maybe I don't care.

[Scout]

I still believe that both parties are equally responsible. I still believe that if there were more people with solid integrity in this world, a lot of bad things wouldn't happen because people would refuse to play a part in it.

 

Your reasoning seems to be that it's not your fault if he has decided to cheat on his wife. In that part, no...but when the actual cheating begins with you, you have an equal part. You could have said no.

 

But, it seems you've made up your mind. You say you want to see this through, to see how it ends. I have to say, I am honestly baffled by your decision here, because you said in a previous post that you have "more insight" than the 20 somethings posting on here. Don't you have the insight to see that you are in a situation as old as time, where the end outcome is almost always the same? 99% of the time, the other woman does not end up with the husband.

 

I can understand that loneliness may have made you vulnerable to an affair. But why don't you try and get some insight on how your loneliness reached such a point that you ended up having an affair with a married man at your place of work...have you closed yourself off from making new friends, keeping in touch with family members, getting involved in things other than work?

 

I also suspect that part of your lack of guilty feelings might in part be because of resentment that his wife is so much younger than you, because you made a point out of mentioning her age. Well, ask yourself why he chose to marry someone so much younger than himself. Ask yourself why he didn't learn from the mistakes in his first marriage so that he wouldn't cheat in his second marriage.

 

Finally, any complaints he makes about his marriage should be taken with a huge grain of salt. This is the classic behavior of someone who is cheating on their spouse. They feel guilty, so they blame their husband or wife for the fact that THEY are breaking their marital vows.

 

I hope you will at least think about some of the things I'm trying to say here. It does sound like your mind is made up to continue this affair, though. And I'm a bit surprised about this, because of your age. I always thought that as we get older, we're able to more easily put aside our personal gratification if it would result in pain for other people. I just get the sense that you have closed yourself off to the idea of any personal responsibility you have in this matter. You said you don't really think it's your problem. To be honest, that sounds like something a 20 something year old might say, not a fully matured adult woman.

[Scout]

Hi - I just had to remove a flaming post. People, this is a touchy subject, but whatever your thoughts on the matter, the original poster has not stooped to making flaming comments to those that disagree with her, or have given her negative feedback.

 

I would like for this topic to stay open. The original poster came to these boards for feedback, not abuse. Yes, you can offer firm opinions, and the original poster has certainly been open to those. If you decide to flame her instead, you will get warned and possibly banned from eNotalone.

 

- Scout

[citygal]

I will stop reading this post, it makes me sick to my stomach how you people are so content and not bothered. Suit yourself. I just hope that you never find yourself in the same situation as his wife.... or maybe I don't care.

 

 

Yeah, do me a favor and stop reading my posts. Go get yourself some counseling and maybe even an anger management class. Don't blame others for your pain. By the way, did you ever stop to think that maybe your Mom had a big "role" to play in this as well? Maybe if your Dad was happy ay home he wouldn't have looked elsewhere for love !!!!

 

Have a great and better life. I hope that you don't ever experience such pain, because I doubt you would survive it. Maybe this will make you stronger and less bitter.

 

God Bless.....good luck

[avman]

This topic locked for flaming