Please help...

[OnlyAshes]

OK, this is not your standard "she left me, and I want to get her back" post. This is much different. Now I'm sure that my story is probably something many of you are going through, or have been through...but I'm completely lost on where to go.

 

2 years ago I started a relationship with a close friend of mine. It was the most fantastic time between the two of us, and a relationship that we both truley loved and had a great time in. We talked of marraige, houses, kids...the works. On top of all of that, she had waited for sex until she was 22, and I had sex with one other person one time (and it was very awkward and didn't fully happen because I didn't want it to), so I have always considered both of us our "firsts".

 

Anyway, for the past 6 months I had a really bad job and was trying to move closer to her so we can possibly get ready to start a true life together. So with my low paying job, and me commuting 1 1/2 hours (to my brothers, not hers) everyday, I became extremely depressed. As a result our relationship suffered, but neither of us showed that it bothered us or was taking a real toll on our love.

 

I wouldn't do the little things to show her that I cared, she couldn't come visit me when she wanted at my brothers, and basically we became extremely comfortable in our relationship. She decided out of the blue one day to "take a break" (the most horrible words) to give me time to get a new job and to figure out what to do in life. Of course she thought she was holding me back, and I wasn't making her happy anymore.

 

So I made a huge mistake of ruining the chance I had with her to mend things and get the new job by...not leaving her alone. She wanted a break and I kept pushing, and pushing her to not do it. I felt so secure with our love that I didn't think she would actually break up with me.

 

Finally she called one day saying that she met an old high school friend and he asked her out, she said no, but from the way I was acting she thought she may want to. So of course I couldn't give her the time she needed then because this was even worse news than before. She agreed to go on a "low contact" break (talk once a week just to see how each other was doing), but it only lasted the first week, she called and said she thinks we need to break up.

 

It has just been extremely downhill for me since then, I still call her, I still stop over, I still send her flowers, I seem so desperate, but I am.....and she says she's happy with her decision.

 

I soon found out that she has been spending time with this guy, and although she promises she will give it time before she can move on, I don't know if I can believe her. It's the FIRST guy that showed interest in her since our relationship, how can she decide if she wants me? She will get the excitement and the fun she didn't have with me from this new guy, but she says she still loves and cares about me. I think she is blinded by this, and I know she loves me and misses me, but I think I've ruined it by not giving her time.

 

I'm afraid to give her time, I'm afraid of what kind of a guy he is, and even if he is nice to her, I don't want her to be pressured into any intimate situations (we took a long time) because of him.

 

I know you will all say I am in my denial stages, and all my friends say that I should just let it go...but I'm convinced she is the only one on this planet for me, and she has told me that I was hers for our entire relationship. Even through my depressed stage, we still had fun, we were still affectionate, we still looked into each others eyes and said we loved each other (and meant it). But I'm afraid that she is just looking for some new excitement, and she doesn't believe I can give it to her. Since the break up I have gotten a great job, and a new apartment...trying to do whats right for ME, but also keeping in mind of getting back together.

 

She is happy for me with my new opportunities, but she just isn't letting me prove how fun and amazing we were together, by using this "new life" to make us happy again. What can I do to prove it to her that I love her, and that we are the best things that ever happened to each other? I know I can make her happy again, and she fell in love with me before....how can I do it again??

[sasha12]

If you love someone set them free if she comes back it was meant to be.

[OnlyAshes]

Not as easy as it sounds....I can't risk losing the one person in my life that means so much to me. I would do anything for this woman....absolutly anything.

 

I believe in fate: If you are meant to be together you will be.

 

But I also believe in: The one that got away.

 

I just can't let her go without trying anything and everything....

 

I'm stuck with the type of love that is extremely rare to have given to you, and even more rare to receive.

[Scout]

Your post would be so much easier to read if you had paragraphs in it, with hard breaks.

[ang3l2004]

I agree with you because I have been there and im there now OnlyAshes

[OnlyAshes]

Apologies for the random mess of my situation. Hopefully it's a little clearer and cleaner, I was typing in an emotional rage

 

Again, my apologies...and I appreciate any insight or experiences that may help.

[SuperDave71]

OnlyAshes,

 

Hello this is SuperDave71 and I have some very simple advice for you. Please feel free to take it or leave it.

 

 

You say you are desperate. If I am wrong, please correct me. Let's look at your issue from another angle. If you broke it off with someone who "loved" you as much as you love her and yoru mind was made up to "stick to your guns"...THEN you were constantly bombarded with flowers, words of affirmation, and "dropping by" how would you feel? Why do you feel she is acting the way she is? Why do you think she is moving to someone else? BECAUSE YOU ARE COMING OFF AS A DESPERATE MAN!!! Plain and simple. YOU are the one pushing her away.

YOu are the one pushing her into this guys arms!!

In this situation, you can only change the way YOU are acting. Who wants a desperate person? Who wants someone they can have at teh drop of a hat? Who wants a MAN ( from a woman's point of view) tha is weak and have no spine? Ask yourself these questions. I understand how you feel. I have been there years ago. You feel so depserate that you convincve yourself you cannot live without them...WRONG!!!!! YOu go get gifts and you praise them with words of adoration and "love". Despite your intentions, you come off as DESPERATE!!! Plain and simple. RELAX..........take a deep breath ( or 20000) and devise a plan of action. NOT an evil plan. You cannot change ANYTHING she does....YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU.

Leave her alone....give her time to miss you. Give her time to think about you. By pushing her you are pushing her also to choose..you or the new guy. If you have been making mistakes and the new guy hasn't....??? what do you t hink she will do? What would you do?

Stop trying to hear what you want to hear.....Your plan has NOT been working. It is time to listen to these people in this forum...and trust me...if you are patient..you may see results YOU LIKE..instead of the opposite. Take care of yourself...and try and relax.

 

Take care my friend,

 

 

Be Strong!!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Scout]

Thanks for fixing the text, it looks much better.

 

I agree with Dave that you have to back off. You simply must. You are suffocating this woman and quickly changing her image of you from the man she loved to a desperate, unstable person.

 

In fact, I am afraid that's what lead to the break up. You became depressed. You took it out on her in one way or another. She started to associate you with negativity. And that is a killjoy, my friend. Yes, we should be there for our partners during hard times, but you obviously were asking for even more than she felt prepared to give. You kind of skipped over the details of your break up...but that is where the key to some self-discovery lies.

 

Do you want to learn from the mistakes you made in this relationship so you don't go through this kind of pain in the future? If so, I suggest you let go of your central focus right now: getting her back. It doesn't seem like she wants to come back. Perhaps you should really take a long look at your behaviors that lead to this break up, and understand that your actions have consequences. Realizing you were wrong, getting a new job and apartment, etc. is not enough of a reason for her to come back to you. She now obviously feels that in hard times, you become someone very unpleasant to be around. You've further proven that by refusing to leave her alone and let the break just happen.

 

For your sake and her's, let go of this girl for now. Don't call her anymore, cease contact. You cannot make her change your mind with this kind of behavior. Right now, work on yourself - concentrate on your job and your new place. I'm going to be very honest here: most people do not want someone who is desperate. Most people do not want a partner who's sole source of happiness is the other person.

 

I hope you can get a grip on things. I understand your pain, and most of us have been there. That's why we're seriously advocating you change what you've been doing. It's not working and it's causing you more stress and anxiety.

[ravens_folly]

If you love someone set them free if she comes back it was meant to be.

 

I totally agree with this quote.

 

I was once where you are OnlyAshes...

 

I thought if i kept trying and trying and trying...

well it did no good, and only made things worse.

 

In reality, if it is meant to be, then it will be meant to be and they WILL come back.

 

They will come back because they realize they love you, and they want you enough to come back.

 

I was so afraid my ex would never come back if i didn't do anything.

 

Well I did what I had to without pushing him away. WE don't talk, but I have faith that someday he will come back. I am prepared if he doesn't because he might not. But something deep inside tells me he will. I don't know what it is, its the weirdest feeling in the world, but I could only think straight when I let it go and let fate do what its supposed to. NOw that doesn't mean like moving to another town or accross the world, cause I know he's never come back. I am just doing what I always do and waiting for it. If someone else comes along, so be it.

THen he may not have been the one, even though I will love him forever.

[OnlyAshes]

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate you all giving your thoughts and experience to me. I have never been in love, and have never experienced heart break before her...and I guess that is why I'm pushing her so hard.

 

I am realizing that I have to let it go, and have my faith in our love be the only thing to hold on to, but not too tight. I'm trying to understand that she may never come back, and that I may have lost her forever...but that is just something I've heard comes with time.

 

She left me 4 weeks ago (the final break), and I've maybe contacted her 5 times in that span...which I know is way too much. Before that we were on break for about 3 weeks there, but I was still contacting her every 3 days.

 

I am trying to let her do what she wants, and give her a chance to miss me, and to come around...but it's hard when you talk to someone everyday for 4 years, and then date for 2.

 

The new guy issue is what is pushing me to get her back...but I need to let her figure if the new guy is right, without my interruption. I almost called her again today, and honestly you guys saved me from that....this is something that is going to take me a very long time to either get over, or to let go. I feel betrayed and so easy to replace...I only hope that it is not too late, but I'm facing the fact that it could very well be.

[Scout]

I understand how you feel. Hearing about another person is truly upsetting.

 

What I can tell you is that, reading your posts, you come accross as a truly likeable guy. Maybe you've got some self-discovery to do, and I'm sure you have negative traits that need to be worked on, but you are obviously smart enough to realize that and start doing it. Sounds like you already have.

 

In short, you will be a fabulous catch for someone else down the road should you and your ex not reconcile. And I'm not just saying that.

 

In the meantime, try to stay very busy. I mean, VERY BUSY. The more activities you do, the less you will think about this, and slowly, a strong calm and peace will start to replace the agony you are currently experiencing.

 

From what you describe, I've seen people make a lot worse mistakes after a break up then you did. I'm talking, five calls in five minutes!

 

So, you can do this No Contact thing. And during that time period, keep the focus on YOURSELF, and what you can do to make your life better.

 

We're here for you, too.

[chai714]

Ashes,

 

What can I do to prove it to her that I love her, and that we are the best things that ever happened to each other?

 

I was in your situation, and just got over this hump. How do you do this? Easy.. . you don't. You can't prove to her that you love her. The best thing when you're as emotional as you are is to DO NOTHING. Calling her, sending her gifts, etc. - ANY ACTION YOU TAKE RIGHT NOW will be viewed as a desperate attempt to get her back. I know how it is to be focused 110% on getting your girl back. I was there just a couple month ago man! If she's seeing this other dude, BACK OFF EVEN MORE. This, no doubt will kill you inside . . .initially, your mind will be consumed with thoughts of her and this new guy doing whatever they're doing. This can make your head spin in circles . . .I actually took a week off of work, speculating what my ex was doing . . . boy what a waste of time that was! Honestly, right now, the only thing you can do is sit back and take time to yourself.

 

I know this sounds generic, but it works: take time to work on yourself, hang with friends, divulge yourself into something you enjoy or might enjoy. If you can't sleep, get some over the counter sleeping pills. I got maximum strength and they worked like a charm. IF you can't eat, drink Ensure. Most importantly, exercise. I can not emphasize the importance! I know . . you feel down, all you want to do is sit there and think about her. Believe me, you've got PLENTY of time to do that. And you will. . . .that part comes natural. But exercising can really help your emotional state, as well as physical.

 

There are a lot of knowledgable people on this board, so if you think you're going to do something stupid (such as send her more flowers or show up at her house) post first and ask for advice.

[OnlyAshes]

Ok, I know it has only been like 3 days since I have talked to her...trust me this NC thing is tough!!! But we left on somewhat bad terms....but I know we BOTH want it to end on good terms. What can I do to make her miss me if she remembers me on the last bad talk we had? There wasn't yelling, there wasn't fighting...it was just a bad discussion and some hurful things were said, and of course I looked pathetic to her. Have I ruined it...I'm just afraid of the NC, and she won't remember me as being sweet and caring for her, but some lame desperate shmoe. I have begun writing a letter to her, and I know it will break the rule, but I at least need to let her know that I understand she needs her time, and that I understand what she wants...not the typical "I need you in my life" crap.

 

Any help would be much appreciated, and no I haven't contacted her since I posted last...and I will not contact her until further advice....

[blushes]

Ravens folly

 

I am in the same boat as you, i wait for him to come back even tho theres the doubt now he may never arrive, i love him with everything too and 6 weeks of N/C has almost pushed me right over the edge, word from his mother that he married the girl who came back in his life almost killed me and still i sit waiting and hoping.

 

Do things ever really get better for some of us?

 

I see others telling us to go out have fun and socialise but what about people like me who have disabilities and no social circle?

 

Where do we turn in our grief?

[OnlyAshes]

Ok, an update here from what I did

 

I sat down, wrote the her the most heartfelt, meaningful letter to her describing how things went between us, how I still believed we could have worked things out, that I do believe we were made for each other, I think her rushing into another relationship is a bad idea, but also that I respect her decision because it is hers...and I can only make decisions based on US, not her. (obviously there was MUCH more to the letter than that, but basically I told her that I respect her decision, and that I couldn't have been more happy to have fallen in love with her first)

 

Well what happened you may ask...

 

I called her and left her a message that I wanted to give her the letter, and I really wish we would have ended on a good note.

 

She agreed on meeting me, and I visited with her for about 2 hours. We talked about what we were up to lately...overall had great conversation...but man am I confused.

 

She cried to me about how sorry she was for doing this to me...and that it's been killing her to leave me because how much I adore her. It hurts her to know that someone cares that much about her...but she just wasn't happy with us. She said maybe she just needs to recharge her emotions after our long struggle though depression and my unfortunate situation, she has no more emotion to give right now. She made sure to let me know she loves me, but there is nothing she can do. She is still confused, but thinks it's the right thing to do.

 

So I'm having a really hard time taking this.

 

She loves me and cares for me...

 

She may need to "recharge" her emotions...because she is just drained right now.

 

 

 

Am I trying to read in this too much...am I still holding on too tight?? She says she will call me to check up on me once in a while..but I basically said what happens between us is her call...I will not write, stop by, or call her.

 

I know I should move on with my life...but I'm still dreaming that she WILL recharge ( I know it sounds bad, but we were in a messed up situation) and give us another chance. But this new guy still scares me...she said she doesn't know if she's interested in him or not...and they hang out 2-3 times a week.

 

I hate love

 

I absolutly hate it

[blushes]

At least she told you how she felt there

 

closure is something most of us really need to be able to make that step forward

 

without the closure we are always going to ask ourselves what went so wrong, why did they leave us this way

 

altho i think your situation is a little different to mine there ( you say you both were in a depression in the relationship) with my relationship there was just No warning this was going to happen at all

 

Hope you start to feel better soon

[OnlyAshes]

But that's just the problem...there is no closure.

 

She may need to recharge?? Sooooo, why would we break up in the first place...

 

I think it's her way of saying "if this new guy doesn't work out...then I'm recharged for you again"

 

Or she thinks it's just an easy way to let me down

 

So I'm stuck with trying to forget her, hanging on barely...

 

(I know move on LOL, but I'm sure many of you can attest, it is easier said than done)

[user1481]

Ashes, I think u played this last encounter perfectly! You told her that you wouldnt call, you wouldnt contact her. But most importantly, you left a positive impression with her.

 

Let me tell u this. I've been in your shoes when I was right out of high school. My first was someone I was with for two years and I swear out of the 2+ years we were together, I think we might have spent 5 or 6 days apart TOTAL! When we broke up, I was soooo depressed. i couldnt eat, sleep. I continually tried getting back with her, but it only pushed her away more and more. One of my biggest fears, and I'm sure u can relate, was that I would never find a person that made me feel the way I felt with her. Finally one day, I decided to let it go. I accepted the fact that we were not going to get back together at that time. As time went on, I started enjoying more and more time away from her, I started laughing again, eating again, enjoying time by myself but also finding the beauty in other women. And then months later...the best thing happened to me. I found someone that made me feel more complete than I had ever felt. I was amazing!!!

 

So Ashes...step away and continually tell yourself that further down the road, things are going to be great for you. It will be the best feeling you will have when that point comes. You can tell yourself...I MADE IT!!! I charish the time I was able to tell myself that. Just be strong and let her free. Dont be afraid that the few speed bumps that your two ran accross were the deciding factors. Know that you may have made some mistakes but we are all human. And if anyone really deserves you, they will see and understand that.