OnlyAshes

Suprema, yeah, she txted me back...just the standard "you too" BS. So who knows, but when I got it, it felt weird...the first contact in 2 months..even if it was a txt over the phone...excited and mad all at once, yuck, remind me not to do that again. I know she was just being nice, returning the gesture...oh well. And last night, I went to the bar...I was very stand-offish, it seems to be my only defense right now. I'm being called anti-social by my group of friends.

Yes, that is why I'm in such shock..... "This is strange, because normally it is girls who are looking for a relationship while guys are looking for an easy lay" This is blowing everything out of control for me. I tried to have a decent conversation with a girl last night, letting her know that I had to get up early the next day, and that It's too early for me, and it was a bad idea...but I would like to get to know her... I asked her for her phone #, and she said "don't bother" What kind of bizarro world am I in? And to add to all of this, I have all of my friends basically pushing me into these situations. I'm NOT going to sleep with any of them, it's not my style, or what I want. Hell, the first person I kissed since my ex (which was a weird *forced* kiss) almost brought me to tears in front of tons of people... I'm trying to convince myself that I need to allow myself to date, and that I'm ready for it....but the only girls I've met have ruined all of my hope to find a "decent" girl again. Part of me wishes that sex didn't mean so much to me morally and emotionally, and that I should be living it up...and that it would actually help me get over my ex if I did. But that is only a very, very, small part....if I even really feel that at all. And yes to the guys who say "live it up", or "man this is great for you"...trust me, it hurts bad....and it's not what I thought it would be like at all. To not be wanted for who I am, what I can offer....it just, to put it plainly...sucks

Well, it's been awhile since I've been on here...been trying ot cope, heal, figure out where my life is headed, what I need to do next. It has been a hard 4 months...the hardest in my life. My ex and I haven't spoke in 2 months (with the exception of me sending her a phone txt wishing her a happy thanksgiving, christmas, and new years). Wow, everything seems so different now, out of place, scrambled. She has a new guy, me...still single for sure. I'm letting her go a little more everyday, but it's a fight for every piece of her I give up. The pain is still there as it was the first day she left me...but for some reason, I have learned to deal with it. This is something I've learned...the pain will be there, I just have to learn how to handle it differently. My main reason for posting though is for advice. I'm seeking everyone's knowledge on this one. As some of you know, I have a relatively small amount of dating experience, and have slept with one person in my life (I'm 24). Maybe some women can help me out with my newest dilema... It seems like every girl I meet or are introduced to only wants to sleep with me, or have me come home with them. I am by no means "tooting my own horn", but what is going on. Most of the girls know my situation, that I just got out of a serious relationship, and that I've only slept with one person. Am I something to conquer? Is my innocence something they want to take part in? Are they doing it to make me like them? Am I an easy rebound? It seems when I was single before my ex, and was still in college...this sort of thing never happened. But now, the same girls I was hanging around with many years ago really are trying to use me for sex. I'm so confused? I can't even get a date out of these girls, it's sex or nothing. I know many of the guys here think this is some far fetched story, or elaborate tale...but unfortunately it is not. This is actually adding to my pain. One girl had enough guts to come up to me at a party and say "I heard you've only slept with your ex, I've known you for a while, why don't I take you home and show you what she did wrong" What the hell is that? This is killing me, and any insight from females would be helpful...are these just "easy" girls? Or is there something else behind all of this? Anyways, thanks guys as always... 4 months down, a lifetime of pain to go....

Well it's been a few days....I have still kept the anger....and to be honest...I am doing better. It's such an odd feeling...I just had so much emotion and hatred.....that quite honestly, I believe it is working. Is this normal. It HAD been sometime since I had made contact with her...and she called me last night out of the blue. She said she tried to write me a letter, and she couldn't, and that there were some things she wanted to talk to me about....have a great night! (obviously I didn't answer the phone, she left a VM). So there I was, getting over this person, healing....despising this woman...and actually "somewhat" getting through things...then this happened. Curiosity killed the cat..... I broke the rule...I called her back It did not end good..... I LET HER HAVE IT...and I felt good about it at the time.....then I felt bad...what have I done. I called her back and apologized, and she said she understood....and SHE forgave ME. What the hell was I thinking? And now I have to start all over again. Let this be a lesson to ANYONE, if your ex calls you...DO NOT CALL THEM BACK. She had no real reason to call me....NONE. But to cause me more pain? Because of her interest? To be honest, I don't care...I have convinced myself to hate her...and there is no turning back now. God help me, and hopefully I have made a good decision. *edit in regards to the previous posts, and not making this just another vent post* I have been keeping busy...I've been to 3 concerts, hung out with MANY of my old friends..taking trips to other states...just MAKING myself have fun. But you all know the root of why I can do this...my anger. Hopefully I can let this go....LONG down the line. As far as doing things for others...I have been sooo busy with that as well. My parents are struggling as well with life issues...and I'm trying my hardest to be a huge part in their life again...and help them through it....as well as many of my friends in need. It has proven to be hard to put my problems to the side, and help out friends in need...but it is something else that is playing a large factor in my healing. I am so blessed for you guys on this forum

Good news in this section of the forum is always great!! Congrats that you found that special person!!!

I'm not sure if you had read my whole first post..... Manic depression is a much more serious problem..........I have been through therapy since I was 16...I am now 24. This is not a simple matter of feeling down on myself...I have a serious condition, and I'm proud enough to say I can acknowledge it. As far as her coming back to me because of my mental struggles...lord no, not for that. I would have preferred that since she knew my state, and claims she loves me, and that I'm one of the most important people in her life...she would just be a little more caring of my situation...I'm not looking for pity from her...just a little more tactfulness on how she is going about her actions. I can't keep her from dating, of course...but at least give me some proof that she cares about my wellbeing...

goodness I really hate to break the sentiment in this story...I really do. Please forgive me, but there was something too funny at the end of all of this. Sometimes I absolutly love google advertising..... image removed

Thank you guys...I do understand that I am not alone while going through this. I'm having so much trouble not HATING her right now. I have so much love for this woman...I could never in my lifetime express it enough. I have such mixed emotions of love AND hatred for her. Everyone tells me to accept and love her, and give whatever I can to make sure she is happy. But when I do not receive the same respect...especially when she knows my medical past...it is very hard not to despise her. I'm worried the only way I will get over her is if I keep telling myself to hate, and have anger towards her. Of course she will never know that I feel that way...but I feel it is my only option. I HATE what she is doing to me...regardless of her right to do it. I HATE that I cannot change what has happened. I HATE this new person that she prefers to me. I HATE the fact that I'm so important to her, but she doesn't think I'm important enough to be a little more careful with her actions...and not think of the consequenses of my mental state. I know "how could you hate someone that means so much to you". Believe me it is hard...but at the end of the day...I feel better. Of course I appreciate our time together, I appreciate what she has done for me...and GOD KNOWS how much I appreciate her showing me what life is like for normal happy people. BUT I hate whoever is watching over me for only giving me a taste of the bliss that is "normal life"

It's so hard...what she is doing is SO DESTRUCTIVE to me. I understand the break up...I understand her saying she's so sorry, she still loves me, I'm still important, she still cares.....BUT ANOTHER GUY SO QUICK. I CAN'T HANDLE IT.... I have been turning to alcohol again...I'm trying to get better, I DID get a new job, apartment, everything...not for her, but for me. BUT THIS DESTROY'S ME...IF SHE CARES SO MUCH, WHY NOT GIVE ME TIME TO ATLEAST HEAL A LITTLE!!! That's why I'm where I am now...therapy that doesn't work...jobless...back to the dark....it's so lonely. It's like she doesn't care what happens to me....

Ok my therapist believes this will help a little, bear with me. Yes, I am seeing proffessional help...not for the first time. Depression and me have been long friends within my struggle with life. I have been told by doctors that I suffer from manic depression, which comes to no surprise...it is something that pops up here and there through my family. I have been through the suicides of family members on two occasions, but I have never/never will even consider that an option for myself, for fear of pain caused on not only myself during the proccess, but the pain of family that I have had to endure, and I've seen them go through. But my story goes much deeper than that. My first "episode" I can remember of severe depression was when I was 14...I went 2 weeks without eating. Of course I went through the therapist stages, group therapy...everything...nothing has ever worked. During my High School years I had one friend (by my parents making) and I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. What sense does it make for a 16 year old boy to miss homecoming, only to stay home and get high to ease his pain? College came, the first two years...disappointment. Straight F's/D's and maybe a C or two. By this time I refused any form of drug for my problem, and horribly I refused any form of proffessional help (I thought college would be a great change). The next thing to happen was something absolutly amazing...I met her. I have never met anyone so amazing in my life...no one has ever made me feel like I felt when I was with her...I felt somewhat normal. Over the course of our friendship we became close, and I became this person I had never experienced before. I was fun, I had friends, I was the center of attention and people actually liked me. The next few years we finally became a couple...she was such an inspiration of life for me. Everything about her made me smile...everything. We were together for 2 years, and everyday I experienced something new in life, something great...something truly amazing. The problem is, I had never told her about my mental problems...I thought that as long as was with her, I would never experience them again, and eventually I would tell her what she really meant for me...she REALLY did make me a better person, more than she knew. I had a relapse of some sort near the end of our relationship...I had no motivation, and my job, living situation, everything but her came tumbling down. She left me.... I told her after the fact about everything about me, and what she did for me...and that is why I was acting the way I was...she meant too much to me to let her go. She felt horrible, absolutly horrible... "It hurts me so much to know I mean so much to you, and that you love me so much, but there is nothing I can do about it" still rings in my head... Since then, she has started seeing another person...I have quit my new job, moved out of my new apartment and back into my parents...and have been seeking proffessional help again. She doesn't know about the job or the apartment...as I have been putting up a lie to her...so she thinks I am doing great. No matter how much people say don't contact her, get motivated, do things, focus on yourself...it doesn't help...because I simply cannot. I saw a post from someone that said they wanted the person back they were before they met their ex...I want the person back I was when I was with my ex. For such a brief time in my life, I experienced what life was, love was...and true happiness. I contacted her again yesterday...I know I wasn't supposed to, but she is like a drug to me (as much as people can agree I hope). Yes it hurts that I can't see her, talk to her...but at least I could eat last night after I saw her. I have scared her away from me...I think she thinks I'm a mental case, she thinks I'm nuts...she knows the severity of the issue, and she has been somewhat good about letting me contact her. But she also plainly puts it that she "doesn't want me again". I just want to be happy again, and I WAS only happy when I was with her...I've never in my life met anyone like her...nor will I again. I vomit EVERY time I think of her even kissing another person....this is absolutly damaging to me. I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this...but I do feel a little better after writing it.

I'm sorry guys...I have to break NC. It's Halloween, our favorite holiday together...more so than xmas or even valentines. I feel like I have to wish her a happy one. I'm trying so hard...but damnit, her friends are ignoring me...and I'm just spinning down hard right now. If I don't, I'll drink again...and I'm sick of getting drunk

Ok, I didn't break NC last night (with the help of alcohol...which I do not recommend..and I know it can get dangerous). I went out with some friends...but all I could do is get mad at her, and drink more. I KNOW THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY APPROACH. Ok, so I made it another day...but VERY painfully. I had 3 dreams of her which woke me up last night...and of course, I got up at 6 am this morning like clockwork...thinking of her. I've been reading the ALL the NC posts, and trying to figure it out. I realize I am not at the stage for NC yet...is this ok?? I tried to play it off with her the last time I saw her, and said I wasn't going to call her, or stop by...but I can't deal with this pain right now. We've been broken up for a month and a half now...but I've still seen her at least once a week since then....I know I can't heal until I do the NC, BUT especially after last time we talked...and her saying all that crap, it's even harder yet. Anything from you guys will help....but I actually feel like I'm going to go crazy..............if I'm not ready is that selfish??? Why can't I be selfish through this?

Definitly wouldn't be nice if she asked me these questions....I actually asked her these very same...and these were her answers (mind you, a week after we broke up) 1. Yes 2. None of your business, why does it matter anyway...I'm doing what I want to do

Thanks boomer...I read your situation...and I hope you are still doing as well as you seem Yeah, I'm home alone all day today...and my ex is going out to a halloween party tonight with the guy she is "hanging out" with. IT JUST KILLS ME!!! That's why I'm struggling with calling her...to remind her that I'm still alive... The whole thing where she said that she may need to recharge her emotions for me threw me way off the charts...cause the closure wasn't there...I was trying to get the closure from her...but it's like she wants me to hang on... I'm totally flipping out right now...sorry guys (you know, walking around with no point, talking to myself...it's BAD today) I know I can't break it, but god it would help....

Ok, if you guys don't know my story here it is: [link removed (warning Long...but skip to the end) So after we talked last (a week ago) I keep thinking of her and that guy STILL. Last night I went to a concert, met a great girl, we hung out all night, she asked me for my number, and said she wanted to call me...and I gave it to her. I feel guilty...WHY!!! I feel like crap today that I actually hung out with her, and gave her my number. So of course I want to call my g/f and say what do you mean you MAY need to recharge your emotions..... needless to say, I'm in MAJOR pain today, and throwing up since 6 this morning over it.....I need help.

But that's just the problem...there is no closure. She may need to recharge?? Sooooo, why would we break up in the first place... I think it's her way of saying "if this new guy doesn't work out...then I'm recharged for you again" Or she thinks it's just an easy way to let me down So I'm stuck with trying to forget her, hanging on barely... (I know move on LOL, but I'm sure many of you can attest, it is easier said than done)

Truth: 1. Yes, more than you know 2. No, and won't for a long time What I would tell her: 1. Yes 2. You started seeing someone right after you dumped me...it's none of your business, so it doesn't matter.

Ok, an update here from what I did I sat down, wrote the her the most heartfelt, meaningful letter to her describing how things went between us, how I still believed we could have worked things out, that I do believe we were made for each other, I think her rushing into another relationship is a bad idea, but also that I respect her decision because it is hers...and I can only make decisions based on US, not her. (obviously there was MUCH more to the letter than that, but basically I told her that I respect her decision, and that I couldn't have been more happy to have fallen in love with her first) Well what happened you may ask... I called her and left her a message that I wanted to give her the letter, and I really wish we would have ended on a good note. She agreed on meeting me, and I visited with her for about 2 hours. We talked about what we were up to lately...overall had great conversation...but man am I confused. She cried to me about how sorry she was for doing this to me...and that it's been killing her to leave me because how much I adore her. It hurts her to know that someone cares that much about her...but she just wasn't happy with us. She said maybe she just needs to recharge her emotions after our long struggle though depression and my unfortunate situation, she has no more emotion to give right now. She made sure to let me know she loves me, but there is nothing she can do. She is still confused, but thinks it's the right thing to do. So I'm having a really hard time taking this. She loves me and cares for me... She may need to "recharge" her emotions...because she is just drained right now. Am I trying to read in this too much...am I still holding on too tight?? She says she will call me to check up on me once in a while..but I basically said what happens between us is her call...I will not write, stop by, or call her. I know I should move on with my life...but I'm still dreaming that she WILL recharge ( I know it sounds bad, but we were in a messed up situation) and give us another chance. But this new guy still scares me...she said she doesn't know if she's interested in him or not...and they hang out 2-3 times a week. I hate love I absolutly hate it

Ok, I know it has only been like 3 days since I have talked to her...trust me this NC thing is tough!!! But we left on somewhat bad terms....but I know we BOTH want it to end on good terms. What can I do to make her miss me if she remembers me on the last bad talk we had? There wasn't yelling, there wasn't fighting...it was just a bad discussion and some hurful things were said, and of course I looked pathetic to her. Have I ruined it...I'm just afraid of the NC, and she won't remember me as being sweet and caring for her, but some lame desperate shmoe. I have begun writing a letter to her, and I know it will break the rule, but I at least need to let her know that I understand she needs her time, and that I understand what she wants...not the typical "I need you in my life" crap. Any help would be much appreciated, and no I haven't contacted her since I posted last...and I will not contact her until further advice....

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate you all giving your thoughts and experience to me. I have never been in love, and have never experienced heart break before her...and I guess that is why I'm pushing her so hard. I am realizing that I have to let it go, and have my faith in our love be the only thing to hold on to, but not too tight. I'm trying to understand that she may never come back, and that I may have lost her forever...but that is just something I've heard comes with time. She left me 4 weeks ago (the final break), and I've maybe contacted her 5 times in that span...which I know is way too much. Before that we were on break for about 3 weeks there, but I was still contacting her every 3 days. I am trying to let her do what she wants, and give her a chance to miss me, and to come around...but it's hard when you talk to someone everyday for 4 years, and then date for 2. The new guy issue is what is pushing me to get her back...but I need to let her figure if the new guy is right, without my interruption. I almost called her again today, and honestly you guys saved me from that....this is something that is going to take me a very long time to either get over, or to let go. I feel betrayed and so easy to replace...I only hope that it is not too late, but I'm facing the fact that it could very well be.

Apologies for the random mess of my situation. Hopefully it's a little clearer and cleaner, I was typing in an emotional rage Again, my apologies...and I appreciate any insight or experiences that may help.

Not as easy as it sounds....I can't risk losing the one person in my life that means so much to me. I would do anything for this woman....absolutly anything. I believe in fate: If you are meant to be together you will be. But I also believe in: The one that got away. I just can't let her go without trying anything and everything.... I'm stuck with the type of love that is extremely rare to have given to you, and even more rare to receive.

OK, this is not your standard "she left me, and I want to get her back" post. This is much different. Now I'm sure that my story is probably something many of you are going through, or have been through...but I'm completely lost on where to go. 2 years ago I started a relationship with a close friend of mine. It was the most fantastic time between the two of us, and a relationship that we both truley loved and had a great time in. We talked of marraige, houses, kids...the works. On top of all of that, she had waited for sex until she was 22, and I had sex with one other person one time (and it was very awkward and didn't fully happen because I didn't want it to), so I have always considered both of us our "firsts". Anyway, for the past 6 months I had a really bad job and was trying to move closer to her so we can possibly get ready to start a true life together. So with my low paying job, and me commuting 1 1/2 hours (to my brothers, not hers) everyday, I became extremely depressed. As a result our relationship suffered, but neither of us showed that it bothered us or was taking a real toll on our love. I wouldn't do the little things to show her that I cared, she couldn't come visit me when she wanted at my brothers, and basically we became extremely comfortable in our relationship. She decided out of the blue one day to "take a break" (the most horrible words) to give me time to get a new job and to figure out what to do in life. Of course she thought she was holding me back, and I wasn't making her happy anymore. So I made a huge mistake of ruining the chance I had with her to mend things and get the new job by...not leaving her alone. She wanted a break and I kept pushing, and pushing her to not do it. I felt so secure with our love that I didn't think she would actually break up with me. Finally she called one day saying that she met an old high school friend and he asked her out, she said no, but from the way I was acting she thought she may want to. So of course I couldn't give her the time she needed then because this was even worse news than before. She agreed to go on a "low contact" break (talk once a week just to see how each other was doing), but it only lasted the first week, she called and said she thinks we need to break up. It has just been extremely downhill for me since then, I still call her, I still stop over, I still send her flowers, I seem so desperate, but I am.....and she says she's happy with her decision. I soon found out that she has been spending time with this guy, and although she promises she will give it time before she can move on, I don't know if I can believe her. It's the FIRST guy that showed interest in her since our relationship, how can she decide if she wants me? She will get the excitement and the fun she didn't have with me from this new guy, but she says she still loves and cares about me. I think she is blinded by this, and I know she loves me and misses me, but I think I've ruined it by not giving her time. I'm afraid to give her time, I'm afraid of what kind of a guy he is, and even if he is nice to her, I don't want her to be pressured into any intimate situations (we took a long time) because of him. I know you will all say I am in my denial stages, and all my friends say that I should just let it go...but I'm convinced she is the only one on this planet for me, and she has told me that I was hers for our entire relationship. Even through my depressed stage, we still had fun, we were still affectionate, we still looked into each others eyes and said we loved each other (and meant it). But I'm afraid that she is just looking for some new excitement, and she doesn't believe I can give it to her. Since the break up I have gotten a great job, and a new apartment...trying to do whats right for ME, but also keeping in mind of getting back together. She is happy for me with my new opportunities, but she just isn't letting me prove how fun and amazing we were together, by using this "new life" to make us happy again. What can I do to prove it to her that I love her, and that we are the best things that ever happened to each other? I know I can make her happy again, and she fell in love with me before....how can I do it again??