Should I, or shouldn't I?

[MattW]

Today, for the first time since I asked her out two weeks ago, I saw the girl who answered my date proposal with a "Let me think about it" (due to her having had bad experiences dating coworkers; and for clarification, we're just two part timers at a retail store that occasionally work a shift together). I was... nervous, about seeing her again, because I didn't know what to expect.

 

But... things seemed relatively normal. We were back to just goofing around with each other the handful of times we get to see each other, and it just seemed like nothing had happened.

 

At first, I was happy, because I was worried that me having asked her out would make things weird and awkward for us, and that she'd kinda stay away from me for a while, but that didn't seem to be the case.

 

But I still haven't quite "gotten over" her. In the back of my mind, I still keep thinking about her, and wondering if she's ever going to say anything about it, whether she's forgotten about the whole thing, what...

 

I'm trying to figure out if I should bring it up to her again, or just accept this as a "defeat". I've been trying to get the opinions of a lot of different people, and the consensus seems to be split right down the middle; some say I have to find out for sure, some say it's already done and over with...

 

If there's even a chance she might be interested, I really don't want to miss out on that, and I can't stop thinking about that. But things are "good enough" now, even after I asked her out the first time... If I try again, and her answer is a definite no, she might back away and I might lose the friendship that we do have. I just really don't know what the right answer is...

 

I work with her again tomorrow, pretty much all day, but I don't know whether we'll have a private enough moment where it'd be appropriate to talk to her about it. After that, I don't know when I see her again, yet. I don't necessarily know that I'd try to bring it up to her tomorrow, but I'm going to spend all day tomorrow thinking about it.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think that you should bring it up again. If she's not interested or still doesn't want to date a coworker, she might give you a flat out no next time and things might get awkward. Consider her silence now as I'm not interested, I don't want to date a coworker, or I'm still thinking about it. If you let her think about it on her own time she might be more likely to say yes too, while she might just give a flat out no if she feels rushed. I think if she's really interested she will bring it up again.

[iamkaylee]

Have to agree. Let it pass.

 

Better to have fun and enjoy goofing at work with her than get a no and have things be uncomfortable.

 

She was the first girl you ever asked out so she'll always be special to you that way. The first girl to say yes will be even more special.

[MattW]

Have to agree. Let it pass.

 

Better to have fun and enjoy goofing at work with her than get a no and have things be uncomfortable.

 

She was the first girl you ever asked out so she'll always be special to you that way. The first girl to say yes will be even more special.

 

I guess, but it usually takes me 4-5 years to find a girl that I'm interested in/ attracted to, so at my rate, I don't think I'll get that "yes" from someone til I'm in my 40s or 50s.

[blueidealist24]

You could ask again in maybe a month if you really want to ask again. Just make it really casual, like hey, do you want to grab a cup of coffee after work tonight? or something. Don't make it sound like an official date. If she says no with no good excuse she's probably not interested.

[Blue92]

Yea, def don't bring it up again. She did give her answer. I would do what blueidealist suggests and ask her out as just friends. Maybe, if you get to know eachother a bit more, her stance might change. You can say to her, " I still like you, but you still just want to keep things friendly, right?" After she gives her answer a second time, don't bother her again about it.

[MasterPo]

"Let me think about it" says it all regardless of whatever reasons she had. It means no in a polite way. Let her "think about" the great times you will have with the girl(s) that don't have to "think about it". I wish you luck and leave her be. My alpha male advice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Forget about someone who gives a vague answer. Even if she were to say yes the next time you ask, would you really want to be with someone who blows you off with vagueness and then can only say yes when you ask again...in other words, she doesn't even take the initiative to approach you with her change of mind. She blew you off...it is her responsibility to set it right if she has a change of heart.

[MattW]

Mm. I wish I was better at "getting over" stuff like this. I know it's kinda silly to carry on about someone I didn't even actually go out with, but I guess I had it worse for her than I realized I did. At least on the many days I don't see her, it's not AS hard, but today is going to be rough, because she's going to be right there for hours, and I just know I'm going to keep thinking about her, trying to talk/ goof around with her, etc. v_v

[Jamesonn]

I'm agree with the rest here. Ask her out sometime in the future but make it SUPER casual like a coffee after work or what not. Don't make it sound like a date...just friends. IF she's into you, you'll know. She already knows you're into her so don't be pushy. I suggest you wait and then just try to hang out very casually as friends and see if she'll warm up to that idea.

[Shady2003]

Goof around, flirt... and THEN ask her out when the chemistry is good and she's feeling good emotionally. Let it be a natural consequence of your interactions with her.

[MattW]

I had a perfect opportunity alone with her today when our lunches coincided, but I didn't bring it up. Instead, we had a nice little conversation about other stuff.

 

A little after the store closed, the manager let her and I leave. As we were on our way out, I was working up the courage to say something, and just as I opened my mouth, she brought it up.

 

She said she gave me props for asking her out, she said that took "a lot of balls" and that guys don't usually just come right out with that. I broke in with a joke, saying "Yeah, I don't usually do that, which I'm sure is shocking to you, because I come off as such a ladies man", which got a nice laugh from her. She said "No, you did fine", and said that she gets so busy with school and other stuff (which I would've been fine with, but I suppose there was no way to convey that at the time without sounding desperate) that she has to say no (which she said with a very "I'm so, so sorry..." look on her face). I nodded, smiled, and said "Well, it was worth a shot. Can't blame me for trying, right?". We said our goodbyes, and that was it.

 

And, I guess that's that, huh? I feel like that went well (I hope so, anyway), and even though it wasn't the answer I was hoping for, I felt pretty happy directly afterwards.

 

I'm sure, though, that it's going to hit me REALLY hard later on (in fact, the sadness is already starting to kick in, now that her answer has sunk in), and I apologize in advance if I come back with some super sad, depressing post. I really liked her a lot. The worst part is, even though that was a definite no, I feel like I'm going to keep wondering "Do I still have a shot? Will she maybe change her mind later on?", and keep thinking about her that way, especially as I continue to see her at work. I'm... not really sure how to deal with that.

[erzerum7]

Honestly, the ball is in her court now.

 

I wouldn't renew my expressions of interest until it is *plainly* obvious that she is into you. That may take weeks, it may take months. Don't flirt, don't do anything other than what you usually do.

 

In the mean time, give other women a chance, date them, etc., don't put your life on hold because of this girl.

[Slimpee]

Dude, you did well! I mean, she said "no" but you manned-up and were funny about it to boot. It sucks to be turned down but at least you are forced to move on now. You'll be happy you asked and proud of yourself as well.

 

You lost the battle but you definitely didn't lose the war!

[GirlontheLam]

Many moons ago, when I worked in retail, I remember having a flirtation with a coworker. It started when I started, completely innocent. Just chatting. He had a girlfriend at the time. Eventually he broke up with her. And the flirting amped up a bit.

 

And then one day, he decided to give me a hug before I left. All of the chemistry completely fizzled. It was super awkward. The next day we went back to our regular joking and flirting, without any more talk of "getting together."

 

I think you should let it go.

[Sportster2005]

You have one chance with each woman per lifetime. Do not kid yourself. She is not going to change her mind. And I'm going to strongly urge you do not ask her out at all. Not casual, not as friends. You're frustrated now? Just keep going down this path. It is a path to self destruction. O.K. that might be a little dramatic, but you get the point.

[Klokwurk]

Out of suffering emerges the most massive souls.

 

With time, you will be stronger. You are so young.

[MattW]

You have one chance with each woman per lifetime. Do not kid yourself. She is not going to change her mind. And I'm going to strongly urge you do not ask her out at all. Not casual, not as friends. You're frustrated now? Just keep going down this path. It is a path to self destruction. O.K. that might be a little dramatic, but you get the point.

 

I'm not planning to ask her out again, I just don't know how I'm going to get myself to stop thinking about her even after she said no. I wouldn't say I'm "frustrated", like I said, I feel like it went well, I'm just sad I didn't get the answer I hoped for, is all.

[blueidealist24]

You handled the situation very well, you played it cool and didn't seem hurt.

[blueidealist24]

Dude, you did well! I mean, she said "no" but you manned-up and were funny about it to boot. It sucks to be turned down but at least you are forced to move on now. You'll be happy you asked and proud of yourself as well.

 

You lost the battle but you definitely didn't lose the war!

 

Exactly!

[Blurry]

I'm not planning to ask her out again, I just don't know how I'm going to get myself to stop thinking about her even after she said no. I wouldn't say I'm "frustrated", like I said, I feel like it went well, I'm just sad I didn't get the answer I hoped for, is all.

 

I'm sure it sucks, but speaking from experience I would take that over regret. As another poster said, you absolutely should be proud of yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

You should be very proud of yourself. It takes guts to do what you did.

 

As an aside, the girl is a class act. She's not interested. That's been clear since her "let me think about it." But, it is NOT easy to tell someone you like/respect that you are not interested. So kudos to her for bringing it up.

 

I think part of what is keeping you hanging on is the idea that you might not find someone else for years. I think you need to really think about that because ... frankly ... that's too picky.

[MattW]

I guess I'm doing better now. Even if that's all there is, I still think she and I could continue to be great friends. I know I'm thinking just a little far ahead, but given that she's finishing school next year, I expect she'll be moving on to a better job; when that time comes, given what has happened in the last few weeks, would it be inappropriate at all to ask her if we could keep in touch? There aren't many people I like talking to as much as her, so I'd kinda like to hold onto this friendship, if possible.

 

I think part of what is keeping you hanging on is the idea that you might not find someone else for years. I think you need to really think about that because ... frankly ... that's too picky.

 

Perhaps, but I just can't ever see myself doing the "cold approach". Not because it's "too intimidating", but because it just doesn't make any sense to me. I guess I'm "odd" in that way, but I have zero interest in going out with someone I don't know. I need to have some familiarity with a girl before I know if I'm attracted to her in any way.

[MattW]

I have to confess... I still view her as an option. I don't mean that in a way where I'm going to continue "pining after her", holding out for her, or expecting something to happen. But I just don't feel like we're "done". I really feel like there is something there, but she's more focused on other things right now than dating (looking back, the entire time I've known her, it hasn't seemed like she's had much interest in being involved with anyone that way). And I commend her on that. She's driven to complete her education, and I can understand why she'd want to devote her complete attention to that.

 

Maybe I'm being "overconfident", but I really feel like she would've dated me had she not been so focused on her education. I've always felt that the key to a girl's heart is being able to make her smile, and I feel like I make her smile a lot. We're very "real" with each other, and I think I've made a very good impression on her the way I've handled this entire situation with her. I feel like, if I remain patient, and keep making her smile and being "real" with her, she'll come around eventually. Again, I'm not specifically going to put my life on hold and wait for her; maybe something will eventually happen, maybe it won't, heck, maybe one (or both) of us will meet someone else before then. But I just don't think we're "done".

 

And if I'm wrong? Eh, well... I think one (or both) of us will hopefully be moving on to a better job within the next 6-9 months, so we won't see each other again after that, anyway.

[Jamesonn]

How to stop thinking about her?

 

Realize that there are millions of other women out in the world that could benefit with a relationship with you. The only reason you choose to "like" a girl after so many years is because that is your belief system. Allow yourself to get outside of your regular thinking box and try to meet other women with no intention other than to just MEET/hang out with them.

 

It's a great distraction AND you may surprise yourself in finding someone you hit it off with. Otherwise, your alternative is to wallow in your misery every day until you stop working with her. Try something different for once!