My ex left me for the confidant.

[leftme]

She said they were just mates. I believed it but knew they'd get together. So why am I so hurt? Why do I want to throw all of my 'mature' contact with the ex out the window and just unleash a fit of rage?

 

I knew all along what was happening and what would happen so why does it all not make sense now I know it has happened?

 

She met him on nights out and fell for him. Left me and has began getting close to him quite quickly. I don't expect it to last and I certainly don't want her back. It just hurts. I just wanted to get that out there. He seems like an absolute goon as well. A nice guy, like me, just gay.

 

I'm actually flabbergasted that he was the one in the end. Just wow.

[pl3asehelp]

Yep - nothing 'mature' about tolerating behavior you know is wrong just because the more difficult alternatives are either a discussion about boundaries or a break up.

[iamkaylee]

Yep - nothing 'mature' about tolerating behavior you know is wrong just because the more difficult alternatives are either a discussion about boundaries or a break up.

 

This is so true. Not an easy fence to walk when tolerating things you know are wrong and could cause a breakup is on one side and speaking up and possibly causing a breakup are on the other. Eventually, you're going to come off that fence one way or another. If you don't jump to one side, you're sure to fall off the other.

[leftme]

I'm confused with what you're implying

 

We have split up. I told her he was after her and didn't like it one bit. I saw it coming. I even told her at the end. You're doing exactly what you did with me. She left her ex and went out with me (except her ex physically abused her) after I supported her.

 

I suppose it shows how bright I am. I saw it coming all along even before she did. I'm top man

[TalkThatTalk9]

I am in your shoes.

 

two nights ago I found out my ex is with the girl he called a friend during our relationship. the girl who he turned to to talk about us when we were having problems instead of talking to me. a girl who he knew I felt he had feelings for and such. I feel betrayed, foolish, stupid, and hurt. But I knew this was going to happen. I have had a feeling since May. It makes me sick, but there is nothing I can do. so I have to try and move on from it and not let it get to me which is not easy, and I have not been able to do so.

[lorelaijones]

It turns out we normally have this 6th sense. I also knew something was going to happen as soon as he added this girl on FB, just by seeing her face.

Well, what can I say, I've been in this situation 2 months ago and it really makes no difference who is the person they are going out with. They're not with you anymore. They will probably be over real quick because they're not dealing with the BU. And everyone is human, and they'll realize that about this new person, sooner or later.

But the relationship is over. They made their choice, youll never trust this person again even if right now, with this pain you feel you think that maybe they'll regret and start again.

Accept it's done, they made their choices and you're lucky that you no longer give your love for someone who'll exhange you like this.

I know it all sounds cliche but you'll see very soon it's true.

And specially now, stick to NC. They will only laugh at your face and you'll come out like the "poor ex, can't deal with our love".

Stay strong!

[TalkThatTalk9]

everything about this is true.

 

in my situation he was in a 6 year relationship she was in an 8 year marriage. they both broke off their relationships and jumped into a new one right away. they are ignoring the hurt from leaving us.

and you can't ever trust them again.... ever.

[markie6]

The basics of the relationship dynamic I have found is pretty clear to me ( and I know other might disagree but I like it )

 

there are 4 people in every realtionship

 

1 couple doing there thing

 

1 ex trying to undo the happy couple

 

1 friend who secretly wants a chance

 

It does seem to add up like that many times. Often if the couple are a new couple.... any contact from an ex ..pushes the couple closer together. Which is why we say don't interfere with the rebound. We tolerate the friend at the start and if we don't enforce boundaries early on, they can become a source of irritation. It's only later we start to suspect this friend

 

of course it doesn't always go down like this, but i like it

[leftme]

There was no 'ex' in my scenario but it was a 3 way thing. Here's how it panned out:

 

- We bickered.

- She went to him for advice.

- He liked her.

- He told her what she should do (with his own intentions)

- She did it.

- He then showed his hand.

- She took it.

 

I would be upset, but I saw it coming and he's a bit of a wierdo in my eyes. I see it as a step down for her as I'm going places but that is what she desires and that is what she shall have for as long as she desires it.

 

It's funny because 4 years ago we got together in much the same way. If I was him now, I'd worry tremendously as soon as a guy came on the scene as things went rocky - I was and it turned out to be true 4 years later.

[NewHope]

I am in your shoes.

two nights ago I found out my ex is with the girl he called a friend during our relationship. the girl who he turned to to talk about us when we were having problems instead of talking to me. a girl who he knew I felt he had feelings for and such. I feel betrayed, foolish, stupid, and hurt. But I knew this was going to happen. I have had a feeling since May. It makes me sick, but there is nothing I can do. so I have to try and move on from it and not let it get to me which is not easy, and I have not been able to do so.

I can totally relate to that. My ex also had this "friend" whom she later put on her FB as a "brother" and eventually left me for. She also talked about our problems with him, and whenever I screwed something and she gave me silent treatment he was there to listen. She was telling him intead of me what she doesn't like about me. So basically she gave him a free tutorial of what she doesn't like in relationships and in men. With that knowledge it was extremely easy for him to appear as a better match for her...

 

 

It turns out we normally have this 6th sense. I also knew something was going to happen as soon as he added this girl on FB, just by seeing her face.

It might be true. But sometimes when I feel low, and I do feel low a lot recently, I wonder if it really is the 6th sense/gut feeling so now we can all say "I knew it will happen and there was nothing I could do about it", or did we consciously or unconsciously let this feeling become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Was there something we could do to stop it or was it bound to happen?

[leftme]

The moment she switched off from you emotionally and onto him (as the confidant) it was bound to happen. It's how it works - emotional attachment is the foundation of the relationship. As soon as they become detached/cold/disinterested it's over even if it takes weeks for the trigger to be pulled.

[markie6]

How they come into your life is often how they leave it, seems to be a very common theme here and is often quoted

[Imprimatur]

Wow...this thread rings true. So very, very true.

 

It is amazing what time and perspective can show you

[shadowcasting]

Sounds very similar to me. The ex who was just a friend of hers, who she wanted "nothing to do with romantically, EVER", is back with her 4 days after she broke up with me. I think they're all ready engaged, 2 weeks later. In the back of my mind I saw it coming the entire time, but let her pull the trigger on me anyway.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I've had two girlfriends that cheated on me with a "friend". I used to not be the suspicious jealous type, but I be will from now on! - "Guy friend? Not unless I'm invited too!"

[dave1981]

The basics of the relationship dynamic I have found is pretty clear to me ( and I know other might disagree but I like it )

 

there are 4 people in every realtionship

 

1 couple doing there thing

 

1 ex trying to undo the happy couple

 

1 friend who secretly wants a chance

 

It does seem to add up like that many times. Often if the couple are a new couple.... any contact from an ex ..pushes the couple closer together. Which is why we say don't interfere with the rebound. We tolerate the friend at the start and if we don't enforce boundaries early on, they can become a source of irritation. It's only later we start to suspect this friend

 

of course it doesn't always go down like this, but i like it

 

"1 ex trying to undo the happy couple " any tips on how to undo them ? Only joking I would never do that .... or would I ?

[TalkThatTalk9]

I've had two girlfriends that cheated on me with a "friend". I used to not be the suspicious jealous type, but I be will from now on! - "Guy friend? Not unless I'm invited too!"

 

seriously.

 

I always wanted to be the "cool girlfriend" the one who was cool staying at home doing my thing while he went out with friends. while he went over to HER and her husbands house and hung out.

 

I did not like her or her husband they were toxic individuals who loved drama like their lungs loved oxygen. I Steered clear.

 

I wanted to be cool and have him go places without me havingg to be there. and he did! he always went out with the guys, I was cool with it. all the time. like any guy would want. but look where I ended up...

 

he is with HER and he is dating her and living together with her while here I am, tryin to start a new life.

 

I'll tell you one thing. no two.

1. I feel so lucky and blessed to have this brought to my attention now instead of later

and

2 I will never, ever be able to trust a man with a friendship with a woman.

 

and this is coming from a girl who's best friend is a man, who I consider a BROTHER

 

nope. I feel betrayed to the max .

she also tried being my friend many times. thank god I didn't give into that

I can't imagine the betrayal of my first love and good friend.

 

I feel bad for her husband the most, even though he was a jerk face to her.

 

his best friend, is sleeping with his wife. and his wife left him for said best friend. and he is left in the cold with nothing.

 

thank god I have a new apartment, new life waiting for me.

 

I am 2 hours away from this trash, thank the ever living lord. true blessing. hate him and her more than anything in the world right now though.

[lorelaijones]

Reading these kind of stories, I start to think life is made of two kinds of people, really.

Because as TalkThatTalk said, my best friend is also a man and he is like a brother to me. I would never have something with him.

But my ex bf was so jealous. Maybe because he was capable of doing the same.

But I don't think "never trust again" is the right answer.

I want to believe that there are people who are not going to betray you and are capable of really having a true friend of the opposite sex, just like I do.

Not everyone is like this...

Or am I wrong? I don't want to be wrong... lol

[leftme]

I think male friends who are there from day 1 are safe. However, people that come on the scene and become good friends with your partner should be treated with extreme caution!

[markie6]

Reading these kind of stories, I start to think life is made of two kinds of people, really.

Because as TalkThatTalk said, my best friend is also a man and he is like a brother to me. I would never have something with him.

But my ex bf was so jealous. Maybe because he was capable of doing the same.

But I don't think "never trust again" is the right answer.

I want to believe that there are people who are not going to betray you and are capable of really having a true friend of the opposite sex, just like I do.

Not everyone is like this...

Or am I wrong? I don't want to be wrong... lol

 

the bolded part... would he have something with you ?

[humanity]

How they come into your life is often how they leave it, seems to be a very common theme here and is often quoted

 

Sooo, with the OP's BU story, how is this theme applicable???

[SteelJM1]

Ah this rings home true. MY best friend she went to as a confidant. He's had a crush on her the entire time so of course his advice would benefit himself and not me.

 

It still stings.

[markie6]

We have split up. I told her he was after her and didn't like it one bit. I saw it coming. I even told her at the end. You're doing exactly what you did with me. She left her ex and went out with me (except her ex physically abused her) after I supported her.

 

thats seemed highly appropriate to me

 

 

Sooo, with the OP's BU story, how is this theme applicable???

[robot20]

 

It's funny because 4 years ago we got together in much the same way. If I was him now, I'd worry tremendously as soon as a guy came on the scene as things went rocky - I was and it turned out to be true 4 years later.

 

Remember how you met them! Keep that in mind with every relationship.

[leftme]

Remember how you met them! Keep that in mind with every relationship.

 

Exactly. It's amazing how common this scenario is. I just met a guy today and somehow got onto the subject. His new girlfriend was unhappy in her previous relationship and jumped ship to him. My blood boiled for a second and then I thought... it's not my fault, it happens to almost everyone, we can't all be bad people.

 

I'd say women (but people) are selfish. As soon as their needs are no longer being met by you they leave. The first year of my relationship I sacraficed so much in going out with her which was difficult but I wanted it to work. Yet when it became her turn to go through the difficulties she jumped ship.

 

I see it as a level of emotional immaturity. Her base happiness with the new guy will return to the same level as me if they get to 4 years and at the point she'll either realise or jump ship again. Nobody (other than those in abusive/hostile relationships) jumps into the sea... They wait for the next ship to slide up next to it for a comfortable climb accross.