She's pregnant...I want out!

[nonshirk]

Okay, I met a girl online one day this summer. We met, had fun. She thought I was the greatest and I thought the world of her. I have been married once, with a 5 yr old. She's 25, I am 30. We are both teachers. She's white, I am black. I moved into her place. We split the bills. She drives her car, I drive mine. My child visits w/ us every other weekend, and they get along fine. Her parents are from the deep south, and think otherwise on her relationship w/ me. Last week, we found out she is pregnant. She's unsure about the baby, but wants to get married. She's not interested in seeing a doctor of any kind. She wants no one to know about her pregnancy until we get married. She bought our rings, and wants to fly out to Vegas pronto. So far, I have been agreeing until today. I feel like I need to end this fantasy, but not sure how to handle it.

[avman]

Do you love her? Are you ready for the committment that a marriage brings? If not, then you are doing her a disservice by leading her to believe you are in it for the long term.

 

What exactly do you want to happen? End as friends and parent the child? Walk away? Ask her to abort it?

[JonnyG]

Why do u want to end "this fantasy" when u think "the world of her"?

 

I take it originally u did, but u now feel different about her and/or things are moving too fast for your liking

[OceanEyes]

Ouch. She's not going to like hearing all of this. It's not an easy thing to hear, that not only do you not want to be with her anymore, but that you don't seem to want the baby either.

 

Are you sure you're not just experiencing cold feet? In my opinion, if you really loved this woman, you would stick by her and support her. I can understand that you may not want a baby right now, but please don't just end things with her and leave her single and with your baby. That's just not fair.

[nonshirk]

I do love her. I just feel as though she is playing some game, and I just so happen to fall in it. Don't get me confused, she is a nice girl, and I have voiced to her that I think it may not work. She's convinced that it will work. I guess what I would like to happen, is for her to tell her parents - no questions asked. Go see a medical doctor - that would release my fears.

[nonshirk]

I am not even sure if she will keep the baby. When I ask her about the OB/GY appt. She starts telling me that she's not sure yet. It's 9 weeks exactly.

[Day_Walker]

Well i think you need to weigh your options in this situation. If you see this girl as somebody you can spend a significant time with then you should rethink leaving. I dont believe that just leaving is the appropriate answer though, it seems that she isnt willing to have an abortion so you are going to have another child. Are you scared of getting married to her or do you believe that she isnt right for marriage. Cuz i can tell you that you will get molested with child support. This is one of those situations that either choice is hard. It seems to me that you are getting scared of the implications of your actions that why you want to back out of this situation because there was a reason you moved in with her and why you brought your child around her. Consider both sides before you make your choice.

[nonshirk]

I think I will be more hurt if she was to abort the baby. I do not want her to do such a thing. She has told me she had an abortion recently w/ a guy. I just feel a little beaten. I am going to stay w/ her, and stick it out. I just feel a little ooozy w/ her talking to her parents every single day, and not even telling them that we 1.) live together 2.) She's pregnant 3.) Plan on getting married really soon.

[geo_jane]

If you think your fears (that she may not be pregnant) are justified then I agree you have a right to have proof of her pregnancy.

[daredevil]

nonshirk, as you say yourself, i think you should bring up the topics about you and her really sticking together...

 

Tell her that you really want this to happen, but that you are scared of her behaviour towards her parents, and that you really want her to tell her parents these 3 wonderful things!!..

 

Of course they will be surprised a lot, but at the same time they should still be able to give the approval of it...

 

I think that the problem lies at your girlfriend and not you, i'm pretty sure that she is avoiding the thing about telling her parents, because she has pushed it so far that she thinks its to late. Perhaps she thinks they will get mad, scared or even cut her off, if she suddenly tells them about these 3 great aspects of her life... I really don't know how you should handle this, but always keep in mind that you and her will make it through, no matter what decision you are going to take regarding saying it to her or just let it be...!

 

best regards DD

[DBL]

Are you sure she is pregnant? I mean she wouldn't go to a doctor and all to find out for sure. She may be just playing you to push the marriage.

 

DBL

[johnagent1911]

Well to me you're going to do what you want to do. Just like everyone would do... The only thing is you'd better do it fast. And I mean fast.

[Mun]

Hi,

It sounds to me like you are feeling that she is denying/rejecting you.. and she is feeling that you might reject/leave her---that's why she wants the quick marriage.

 

If you love this girl then you two need to have a serious talk about the baby and about marriage. Make sure it's what you both want and face whatever may come.... together.

 

Best of luck

[Francis]

Nonshirk, you seem quite confused and quite hesitant about the relationship. It does not seem that the two of you are ready for a child.

 

I am not thinking about your best welfare, because you are adults and whatever you are doing with your life is your business.

 

But it is not fair to have children if you don't have a stable, relatively normal, family. Are you aware of how much that child could suffer?

 

It seems that you don't want a relationship, but you want her to keep the child. Are you aware that women who are abandoned may become extremely resentful and "revenge" subconsciously on the child?

 

I have two sister friends who were issued from that type of union : they told me several times they would have preferred their mother to abort them, rather than be born (and I am talking of a woman, the mother, who had loads of money and could afford to give her children the best, incl. private schooling, etc.).

 

If you are not sure you want a kid, don't have it. Many parents who do positively want kids, who entertain a normal family life, who are ready materially (house, well established, stable job) and psychologically are drained with kids and experience difficulties.

 

From what you described, you already form with her a family that is a little bit dysfunctional. I would not be very positive for a child to grow or live in that type of situation. You guys need to settle down and solve your problems first. She seems to have significant problems with her family.

 

I don't know what else to say, but I believe that every child has the right to be born in the best possible circumstances and this is not the case here.

[arwen]

I think the idea of marriage might be due to her cultural background. I don't know if she is religious, but I was raised christian, I am not christian myself, but still I would want to get married if pregnant.

 

You obviously lack communication in this relationship. How come you don't know what she's about with this child, and she is buying rings at the same moment??

 

IF she has an abortion, be there for her. It's your baby too, and having sex unprotected, means having to take responsibility of the consequences. I don't say you should marry her, but running away at this point is just rude.

 

Just open up the communication, and see what she has to say.

 

Ilse.