Strategy for Getting Back when she has a new boyfriend

[Recovering_Lover]

Hi,

 

I would like to start a thread on what we can do when your ex has a new boyfriend.

 

My ex has a new guy she is dating. They are not commited at all. She doesn't liked to be tied down. So thats how far she will go.

 

So how should I behave in front of her new boyfriend?

 

Should her boyfriend be allowed to tagg along for your outings with her?

 

Should we have personal time with her to create those moments she would enjoy.

 

What plan of action should we take?

 

I know for sure, that any guy would make a mistake, and blow something.... but I am not having expectations.

 

I will carry on with life...but with her as a friend. I would show her my love slowly but surely, through my actions. When she has a problem I will be there for her. If ever she is single again. I will then turn on the charm 101% and hopefully get her back into my life.

 

I know that this might not work. But if I found the woman you really want to be with, shouldn't you at least try ? If not, wouldn't you want her company as a friend? instead of totally forgeting abt her.

 

Is that the only choice?

 

Thats my strategy.

 

Any comments?

[mistershoeshine]

I've been in situations like that. I regret them all. I'm a little confused of your use of the word 'we'. Do you try to tag along on her dates with the new guy? There really is no set course of action in my opinion, I just refer to an old quote I heard "never try to keep someone who isn't trying to keep you"

 

best of luck

[Recovering_Lover]

Hi Mistershoeshine,

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

We (My ex and I) have finally became friends again. I told her, lets have fun and do all the things we used to enjoy. She told me she wanted the same. She wants me to be her friend.

 

I definitely don't intend to tag along on her dates. Don't wanna be a lampost.

 

I meant, when we (My ex and I) go out for movies...or anything at all, she said her boyfriend might tag along. I am thinking of telling her, I would prefer if we spent time togather. I would prefer her b/f not to tagg along. But I don't want her to take it wrongly. So wondering, if I should tell her that.

 

The quote is nice. If she told me, I don't want see you or go out with you. I won't. There is no point in there. But if she wants to go out with me as a friend, thats ok right?

 

I know I should not have any expectations however. What do you think?

 

 

I've been in situations like that. I regret them all. I'm a little confused of your use of the word 'we'. Do you try to tag along on her dates with the new guy? There really is no set course of action in my opinion, I just refer to an old quote I heard "never try to keep someone who isn't trying to keep you"

 

best of luck

[DBL]

I think your whipped!

 

Personally I think you are obsessed. So if I was dating your x, I don't think I would want you around. How do you expect to be friends when you're still waiting for her to fall into your arms?

 

So what do I think. I think you need to live your life, and not live for you're x's life. I can't tell you what to do, but you may want to think aobut getting a shirt that says "Welcome" on it.

 

DBL

[Mun]

Hello,

I think it's very noble to want to be friends with an ex, I just don't think it's very smart. You are expecting things to happen with her. You are bothered that her boyfriend would come along because you want this to be more of a "date " setting..am I right?

 

I honestly think you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

The best and only thing you should be doing now is to think about yourself. She is not with you anymore for whatever reason and you should not be hanging around waiting for a little attention from her. I'm sorry, I know you must be hurting, but I just don't see how this can help you to get her back.

[Recovering_Lover]

I think your whipped!

 

Personally I think you are obsessed. So if I was dating your x, I don't think I would want you around. How do you expect to be friends when you're still waiting for her to fall into your arms?

 

So what do I think. I think you need to live your life, and not live for you're x's life. I can't tell you what to do, but you may want to think aobut getting a shirt that says "Welcome" on it.

 

DBL

 

Hey DBL,

 

I think you don't get it or see it or whatever it. Whipped you say. I disagree. Its all a matter of perception. A whipped person is a yes /No mam. Anything for you mam person. Thats not me.

 

Anyway, I don't care what the guy she is dating thinks. Not my problem. I know this woman is the girl for me. We connect intellectually, emotionally and physically. So I intend to pursue this. But without EXPECTATIONS .

 

Why can't you be friends? I can be friends because I accepted the fact that she is with another guy . I enjoy her intellect and company. I also know that she feels the same about me.

 

I am moving on with my life...getting to know other girls. But if she ever becomes single again, I will defintely try my chances again.

 

I don't want to regret that I never took the risk to try.

 

But mind you, when you start off as friends, you have be careful. You might do something good which can be mistaken, after some time has passed the person trusts you again, then you can be normal again.

 

If you don't care what happens, then do whatever you want I would say.

[Recovering_Lover]

Hello,

I think it's very noble to want to be friends with an ex, I just don't think it's very smart. You are expecting things to happen with her. You are bothered that her boyfriend would come along because you want this to be more of a "date " setting..am I right?

 

I honestly think you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

The best and only thing you should be doing now is to think about yourself. She is not with you anymore for whatever reason and you should not be hanging around waiting for a little attention from her. I'm sorry, I know you must be hurting, but I just don't see how this can help you to get her back.

 

 

I do want to be friends with her. But as I explained, I am not setting any expectations that she will come back to me. If she does thats great. If she doesn't I am ok with just being friends with her. What I miss most about her is the conversations and the company I had. I am getting that as friends.I have accepted that we might never be physical again. It hurts but I have grown to accept it.

 

I am bothered becoz, I would like to spent quality time with her having conversations over coffee or movies...or whatever. With her boyfriend around, it would be awkward as well as we won't be talk much things freely with her boyfriend around listening to everything we talk.

 

 

Well, maybe I feel confident becoz, I have accepted the fact that she is with another guy? I am not saying that it won't hurt. But with time and logical thinking, the hurt goes away. I don't like dwell in self pity too long either.

 

I also don't like just giving up like that. If she decides later onwards I'm the one....great!....but I will always be her friend...and you might never know...I might find someone else before she returns back . I will still be her friend.

[ryan14]

hello

 

i'm quite intrigue about your strategy, being friends maybe dangerous(if you're weak) or maybe not (if you're strong & confident) the bottom line is no one could really say what will happen in the future, if your strategy really works then good for you (please keep us posted on what's happening between you and your ex)

 

what the other guys here are trying to say is, to be careful in situations like this (it will hurt really bad) be cautious what matters most is your self healing, we dont know how you are handling these situations (it depends on the person) really, so i guess good luck to you

[Recovering_Lover]

hello

 

i'm quite intrigue about your strategy, being friends maybe dangerous(if you're weak) or maybe not (if you're strong & confident) the bottom line is no one could really say what will happen in the future, if your strategy really works then good for you (please keep us posted on what's happening between you and your ex)

 

what the other guys here are trying to say is, to be careful in situations like this (it will hurt really bad) be cautious what matters most is your self healing, we dont know how you are handling these situations (it depends on the person) really, so i guess good luck to you

 

Thank you ryan. I am following myjoy's strategy actually. I had N.C for a very short period of time. I took the time to think and recover. I accepted the fact she is gone. I accepted that all I can expect is her friendship. I can either take it or leave it. I decide to take it. I know it will hurt, teribbly so, but I am perpared for it. I think if you can convince your mind, then nothing will hurt you. Its the believe you have without expectations.

 

I have slowly, over the past two - 4 weeks, changed with reasoning myself out of it. I enjoyed the first outing we had without the guy she is dating now. She totally enjoyed it too. She was beaming away when she left. We had great conversations although short. Thats all I want now. Nothing more. Hopefully it become more. But I'm not waiting for it. Just gonna let it go where it goes.

 

I will keep you updated if you are interested.

[ryan14]

hi again

 

4 weeks is such a short time to accept things, you've mentioned that it will hurt ( i'm quite sure that you're not yet that strong ) please watch out for the things that you'll do (NO EXPECTATIONS) it will be rough and hard.

 

i see that you have initiated contact with your ex and you're creating positive moments with her that's a good sign, keep it up and good luck again

[popo]

Recovering_Lover,

 

u posted ur prob under title 'Strategy for Getting Back when she has a new boyfriend' in forum ' getting back together'

obviously u expect her to back. if being her friend's part of ur strategy, good luck then.

i'm my self with most of people here.

keep us updated

[Recovering_Lover]

Recovering_Lover,

 

u posted ur prob under title 'Strategy for Getting Back when she has a new boyfriend' in forum ' getting back together'

obviously u expect her to back. if being her friend's part of ur strategy, good luck then.

i'm my self with most of people here.

keep us updated

 

Hey PoPo,

 

Well, its the power of positive thinking vs negative thinking. I decided I will think positive BUT at the same time am not deluded to think that I would definitely get her back. Nothing is impossible until you try. I am sure, there will come a time where I will know if I will ever get her back or not. But for now, thats the way, I am inclined to think.

[jchan]

just a question though, not being negative but being realistic.

in realistic terms, has this happened quite frequently?

e.g. in which guy loses girl, girl gets new guy, girl forgets old guy, and guy still manages to get girl back again?

[Soulfully]

Good question Jchan. I would probably say that anything is possible, and that it could well happen more than we think it does, or maybe not. Yet it I tend to think that if such thing may happen, it will happen on a much bigger time scale. That is, after probably many years, where both individuals have no idea that they will meet again, and even less rekindle a past relationship. Or better said, rekindle a past flame in a new relationship where both individuals are more healthy-equipped for a truly committed relationship. And that probably requires both of you to have done a lot of personal soulsearching, living, and experiencing of other relationships.

 

The chances are probably slim, where both of you have already experienced the necessary personal growth, and are both out of committed relationships and are open to healthy love. If later on in the years two individuals meet again and are both in an ideal situation to live a healthy relationship, and are capable of rekindling that old flame, then we could suggest that the phrase "if its meant to be" actually has some validity. Again, probably not a common thing to happen, yet anything is possible in life.

 

We definitely cannot see it now and probably not in the near future. That's why we have to let go and continue to live, experience and nourish our lives.

 

Peace

[herewegoagain]

Jchan - I've heard many stories about how my friends got dumped by their girlfriend, then the girl screwed around with someone else for 5-6 months, and then she ends up calling him back and wanting to get back together. In some instances, the guy took her back, and others, the guy already moved on.

 

This kind of thng happens more than you would think.

 

I'm in a similar situation. It's been about 2 1/2 months since my ex gf dumped me and immediately went to a new guy. Who knows? Maybe she will call someday, maybe she will not. All I know is that I cannot and will not wait for her. Right now, I could give a crap if she calls or not. Of course tomorrow, I may miss her again.

 

So yes, there is still hope for you. But if and when she does call, I hope that you have had time to evaluate yourself and fully heal before you take her back. Because if it is too soon, you will not think rationally and jump back to her without learning anything. For me, I am actually glad I have had all this time to think about things ALONE, because if and when she calls someday, I will be able to ask myself, "Do I really want her back?" Especially, as in my case, where I know my ex gf was already spending the weekend with her new man within a week of our breakup. Would I really want some person like that anyway?

[rich46]

For me, I am actually glad I have had all this time to think about things ALONE, because if and when she calls someday, I will be able to ask myself, "Do I really want her back?" Especially, as in my case, where I know my ex gf was already spending the weekend with her new man within a week of our breakup. Would I really want some person like that anyway?

That is so true. I actually felt sorry for my ex when I found out she'd rebounded. Although she hasn't said she wants to get back with me, she has shown signs of regret. thereforeeee I am currently considering whether to reestablish contact with her. The 3 months of virtual no contact has allowed me to take stock, think about the reasons for the break up, and evaluate whether or not I see my future with her.

 

It's a shame she hasn't been on these message boards...

[Mix Maxster]

Rich46, what are these signs and how do they help you out in your situation?

 

Recovering_Lover:

Hey man all the better to you for going out there and trying what many of us would like to do as well. Except me.

 

DBL ha said earlier on in this post that you were whipped and obsessed over this girl and you said that's not the case. I don't know your situation, but I think given the way you were asking questions that it was the case. Maybe not whipped, but definitely wanting her back.

 

I want my ex back too after all that has happened, but think of the kind of message you're telling her when you say "I think it would be better if your bf didn't come with us" what does that say? Does that not say "I would feel more comfortable being with you alone than having my competition there ruining my game" or something to that affect. Look at it from her view, you want to be friends and yet you're singling her out from her bf? She doesn't care so much about him coming along I think she cares more about your motives and feeling COMFORTABLE with having her bf there so you won't PULL anything.

 

It's things like getting emotional, pining and crying over her, wanting and praying for her and generally treating this one girl like if she's not the one then it's all over and if it doesn't work you defend it by saying "I'll find someone else". Of course it's not that easy, but a lot of people out here are in the "all or nothing" phase meaning if it doesn't work then they walk away and if it does work then THEY're happy. That's what I don't get, why is there this HUGE push? If you truly love this person, why play these games and tactics and say "Well I can't JUST be her friend, it HAS TO GO somewhere" or something like that? DO you not see then that BECAUSE of that it will show through?

 

I'm just trying to give you something to think about because really if you can't be true friends with them without it being an act then you should ask yourself if you really love them or are trying to get back what you lost. If that's the case, keep looking because she's one girl out of so many. I almost guarantee it that being her friend as a way to get to her is manipulative and she WILL see right through it, especially if you're there for her all the time. I understand trying to be sincere and what have you shows you care, but that's her bf's job and being that kind of person for her SHOWS to her that you still care(if not love) AND it will get her thinking that you want her back and that if you honestly KNEW how she was feeling that there was no chance, that you might leave her for good and that would hurt her again and make her feel cheated.

 

It boils down to respect, how is pretending to be her friend to get what you want respectful? Unless you can actually say "Yes if this doesn't work out, i'll still be her friend" that i'd say she'd figure out you were only using being a friend to get her back. But best of luck

[rich46]

Rich46, what are these signs and how do they help you out in your situation?

Well she contacted me quite a few times last week ( link removed ) saying that she missed me, sounding really upset, etc. Sounds like her rebound isn't treating her too well. I haven't initiated any contact for over 2 months now, but I'm thinking about opening my door ever so slightly and seeing if she wants to come in!

[Recovering_Lover]

Hey Mix Master,

 

I think you didn't read properly what I was saying as well as related posts.

 

I love her. Thats true. I want her back. That's true. I only want to be her friend to get her back. thats not true. I will be her friend no matter what, becoz we connect in that level too.

 

All I am saying is that, if ever she becomes single, I will try again. Till then I would be her friend. Basically it.

 

Regarding the boyfriend. Well, as friends, I would like to spent time with her and have hearty conversations and fun with other activities. I am not saying, don't ever bring your boyfriend. All I am saying, is I would like to spent time togather chatting with her as friends.

 

If you tell me, you can talk anything and everything with a friend with her/his boyfriend around. Thats not true.

 

I am not forcing her to do anything. If she comes back...she does...if she does not want too, she doesn't. its her wish.

 

I love her truly, deeply , as she has everything I want. But I would want her back...if only she still loves me too. I believe she does. =)