How can I trust him after all the lies?

[jacqueline39]

Advice please?

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I've always known him to be a thoughtful, considerate person. Someone I could trust my heart with and do his best not to hurt me.

Recently I found out he's done just that and I feel hurt, betrayed, sick & devastated. All along I thought we had a strong relationship and now it appears he was just stringing me along keeping his options open in case I wasn't, "the one". Our sex life was fantastic as well. I've tried not to pressure him into marraige as I've been married before and respect his wish to wait until the "time is right". I would think 5 years was enough time to show him the type of person I am and for him to know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me though!

 

I have teenage children up north I visit often. This last visit right before I was getting ready to leave we had a message on our answering machine from a woman inviting my bf over for dinner. He said he knew nothing about it and didn't know how a customer (which she was) got ahold of his last name and number. When she called a second time I picked up. After a brief discussion telling her NOT to call my house again I put my bf on the line to tell her he had a gf. He picked up the phone and walked IN THE OTHER ROOM!

 

(whew.....this IS winded) Please be patient......

 

I left for my vacation but when I arrived back home I was still suspicious of that call. Something just didn't seem right. I searched his work van and came accross a receipt for a dozen long stemmed RED roses costing $65.00 to this very same customer. "Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you" When confronted he denied any relationship and said he had only been to her house 3 times for service calls and felt sorry for her since she just broke up with her husband. He wanted to make her feel good.

I guess my feelings didn't matter.

The next day I found another receipt in his van...for a female co-worker for a dozen yellow roses he had sent to her on V-day! He ordered them the day before to be delivered at their WORK for everyone to see. My flowers and bear he bought the very day OF V-day.

This co-worker is also the very one who told him since meeting me he's changed...and NOT for the better. He said she had JUST broken up with her husband as well and was only a friend. The card said "to a very special friend". This friendship he had I was totally in the dark about. Then I searched his van again.....found a Hustler mag , an unopened scented condom (which he tried to say he bought for US) tons of porns sites bookmarked on his computer and even a site called "Meet me @am I hot or not" which he visited 7 times with the city and state typed in already. He said some sites he visits automatically throw them in your bookmarks and he's never been there!

This behavior is so totally out of character for the guy I thought I knew and loved. I feel it's disrespectful towards me. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I'd leave him. And yet he did it anyway. Anything I found out I had to find out on my own.

 

We are now in couples counseling and I am getting nothing out of the sessions. (6 so far) She seems to want to downplay his actions and has even suggested that I may have trust issues! Yeah I agree....when I find out 6 months later my boyfriend is buying gifts for other women! Or when someone screws me over constantly and I have to search for clues because he can't be honest and upfront with me....damn straight I have some trust issues lady! She says he is very naive and honestly believes he didn't want any type of relationship with these women and just really felt sorry for them! What a crock!

 

 

We bought a house together 2 years ago and he has YET to put my name on it. During the sessions I made it clear that in order for us to grow and try to work things out.... he has to show a commitment to me. He asked what could he do. Well, marraige was out at this point so I said by putting my name on the title of the house. He promised he would have it done in 1 week. Its been 2 1/2 months and he has yet to do anything he said he would do to make things work.

 

BTW.....when I confronted the first girl and asked if anything was going on. and what they talked about she said he told her he didn't feel comfortable putting my name on HIS house and that we've only been together 2 years and he's kicked me out several times. This is news to me since we've been together for 5 years and have NEVER once broken up! She also knew I had 2 children up north. He denies any of this. Doesn't have a CLUE how she could have found any of that out.

The one sore spot we argue about periodically is putting my name on this house. No one else knows about it yet he continues to deny he said any of those things to her.

 

I'm tired of the lies. I can't trust anything he says anymore and I've asked him to break off ALL contact with those people he was tempted by in the first place. My gut tells me he is still lying and hasn't done any of the things we need to move forward and try to rebuild trust.

 

Some input PLEASE!!! Am I making the right choice to leave him to explore his "other" options and take time to see if the trust I had in him can ever be restored? I know he loves me but his actions speak so much louder then his words.

 

The hardest thing to swallow is the fact that he could lie so easily to me and sneak behind my back with his "secret friendships" He wears one mask for home and another for work it appears. How could I have been with a man for 5 years and not have the slightest hint what he's been doing during work????

 

Please forgive me for making this so long. I just really needed to vent . After writing this I've pretty much made up my mind as to what I'll do.

 

In my eyes you can't have a worthwhile relationship where there is no trust. I just can't seem to let this go and move on. If it was as platonic as he would have me believe....why hide it from me? Hidden friendships and acting inappropriately is unaccpetable behavior.

 

Thanks for reading this

[AngelOfDarknes]

its up to you if you can trust him, i wouldnt omg for 5 years i would have trust issues too lol i would leave his not proving anything to you if he says he loves and not showing...but you two were together for so long try to work things out and if nothing works leave..

[DBL]

I would leave. It is hard to regain trust.

 

You know the relationship is over when they would take calls from the opposite sex into another room.

 

Seems like there is a lot of stuff going on behind your back.

DBL

[madhornet]

First off I will say I've had very little relationship experience so make of my comments what you will.

 

From what you've written he doesn't seem trustworthy. You've been together a long time so it's hard to make a sudden judgement i would think.

 

If he respected you and the relationship you have I don't think he'd do what he has been doing. Personally I'd tell him to get lost but I don't know the full situation. The best advice I can give is to go with your gut instincts and do what you think is right in the circumstances.

 

Hope that's of some help.

[OceanEyes]

Hi jacqueline,

 

I'd like to try and be positive here, but the truth is, I don't think I would stay with him if I was you. After all of the things you've discovered? I just don't think the *feeling* would still be as strong for me. Not without a lot of changes on his part and a lot of patience.

 

Ask yourself some key questions:

 

1) Do you really feel, in your heart, that this relationship is salvageable?

 

2) When you look this man in the eyes, do you still see the same man you met 5 years ago?

 

3) Do you think you will ever be able to trust that you are the only one, and going to be the only one in the future?

 

4) How is your relationship right now? How has his behaviour been?

 

When I try to put myself into your shoes, the same thing always pops into my head; that if I chose to stay with this man, I would be accepting and condoning the fact that I was with a liar. The buying of gifts for other women is something I could overlook with time, but knowing that my man is a proven liar is quite another thing. And that's what it really comes down to; whether or not you will ever be able to trust his word again. I just don't think I could let myself.

 

It bothers me that your therapist is trying to convince you that your boyfriend just "felt sorry" for these other women. I think it's perfectly okay to help someone out as a friend, but the way that he went behind yout back and bought personal effects like roses is simply far too suggestive. When you feel sorry for someone who is going through something difficult, spending $65.00 on roses is not an acceptable or a normal gesture - being a friend and maybe taking them out for lunch a couple of times is. I think this story is full of holes, and that you're damn right to be skeptical!

 

Let us know how you're dealing with all of this.

[DBL]

I haven't been to any therapist that did not take one side or another. Your therapist sounds as dumb as one that I seen twice. $150 for this moron to say "What could you do tomorrow that would make things better". Smacking his head into the table did come accross my mind. I went to a minister for marriage cousiling, the minister told me I was starting to annoy him. I don't think I was ever on the good side of therapists. I would stop seeing a therapist together and just go another therapist on helping yourself get through this.

 

$65 bucks on roses for another woman...I wouldn't forgive him. I can see like 5-10 bucks if someone is down. I don't even think I spent that much on dead people. The condom thing...I would just popped some holes in that and put it back. It almost seems like he is preying on the vulnerability of recently separated or divorce women.

 

DBL

[fantasia2004]

He lies to save his but and be elusive. Cut him loose!

 

lack of trust, kick'em in the dust!

[Francis]

I think that you have already been incredibly patient with this guy.

 

If you really love him and want to help him determine whether he loves you or not, why don't you make him a little jealous and see what happens? May be he loves you more than he realizes.

 

You can always go and see a lawyer to find out what can be done about the house (to get your name on the title).

 

However, from your posting, it seems that there is little hope for the relationship. Perhaps you should consider a separation, but you should not leave before you have fixed the problem with the title. You should move fast though, before HE puts you out and brings in a new woman. It will be less hurtful for you.

[Mun]

I would stop seeing a therapist together and just go another therapist on helping yourself get through this.

 

I agree with DBL. It also sounds to me like your boyfriend is just going to the therapy to keep you happy and out of his hair. Save your money (or get therapy just for yourself to help you deal with this and move forward). You know what you have to do.

 

I think you have put up with this for too long. You have asked for what you want and he hasn't given it to you, yet you have stayed with him. I think this has sent him the message that you will stay no matter what. He can do whatever he wants and you will still be there.

 

I know how hard this must be for you. You have invested your time and your feelings into this relationship, but honey he is not changing. He isn't being honest with you---he is sneaking behind your back.

 

Try to get away from him. There are plenty of people out there who are honest and would not treat their partner this way. Your self-esteem has probably taken a blow too... yet you sound to me like a very strong woman. Show this man, with your actions, that you deserve honesty and respect.

 

Be strong. Good luck !

[jacqueline39]

Thank you all for your feedback! Everyone keeps telling me to "hang in there, he really loves you"

I don't know of any love that can survive without trust; the very heart of a relationship.

It's refreshing to have people agree with MY side and take my feelings into consideration. It gives me a better perspective getting both male and female responces too.

 

There is much more to the story beginning from day 1. I was too blind and trusting and overlooked things he did because our relationship was new. When I met him I was sort of dating someone but not really romantically involved. I told the guy that I had met someone else and wanted to explore the possibilities and didn't see him again. I told my bf this as well. I was upfront and honest with him from the beginning. After that he confessed to having a "female friend" down to spend a 4 day weekend with him.

(We had already stated our love for each other by this time and I was secure in the knowledge he really cared about me)

 

I wasn't too upset then because I knew she had already purchased a non-refundable plane ticket and he assured me she was just a friend! To make matters worse...he told me he told her all about me and how happy she was for him to have met someone who makes him happy. He said I could call the house any time I wanted but that he wouldn't be able to spend any time with me while she was here????? I thought this very odd he never even wanted us to met...but I let it slide.

 

He called me every night..always while she was taking a shower or busy doing something else. She was never in the same room with him when he called. I didn't want to appear pushy so I didn't make a big deal about it. Then I called HIM one night. He had been doing all the calling thus far but my instincts were strong and something wasn't right. I couldn't believe he told this girl all about me yet NOT want to introduce us???

He was very uncomfortable while he was on the phone with me and guess what??? He took the phone out of the room!! To this day he still denies ever leading her on by omitting the tiny detail of a gf and had her fly down anyway giving her false hopes of a relationship.

That was our first month together. Starting out good so far, huh? LOL

 

I'm not handling this very well at all. All the signs are there in PLAIN sight and I know in my heart there is much more that he isn't telling me. As long as I know deep in my heart there is more to this then meets the eye I can never trust him again. I keep asking myself why?? Why would he take a chance on losing a good thing we had together by doing this? His only answer is, "I don't know". That answer is just not good enough for me!

 

I just need to find the courage to let him go. I've been sitting here night after night with all these thoughts going through my head. I feel horrible. I feel ugly,unattractive and undesirable. Which I am none of these.

I truly believe he was looking for someone else but refuses to admit it. I've given him every opportunity to come clean but he insists there was nothing to it. BTW....I'm not working now as I've been laid off so money is tight. Yet he spends $65 on roses for a stranger and $30 on a co-worker and wants me to believe it was nothing?? That's a sign of someone trying to impress a girl on how wonderful and thoughtful a guy he is.

 

I love him with all my heart but the things he's done are just too hurtful. Maybe if it was one time...one mistake...we could try to build a new relationship. We can never go back but I was hoping with therapy we could move ahead and build something even better. I know now there has been too much damage to ever make this work. Every day is up and down.

 

I'll try to keep my posts a little shorter from now on.

[Mun]

Hey, it's ok you vent as much as you need too. I don't know what the length limit is, but I know that you are feeling down right now and you need to get things off your chest.

 

I find that the way we set things up-and what we put up with -at the beginning of a relationship will set the pace for how it will be later on. If we start out by having boundaries and letting the other person know that there are things we won't tolerate they will either shape up or leave us alone. The same goes for when we put up with things we don't agree with... the other person sees that we don't stand up for ourselves and they lose respect for us.

 

Too bad these are things we see after the fact ... good thing is that we know for next time.

 

Hang in there .

[Hells_Fairy]

Goodness. I have to tell you that you have every right to be hurt and shocked. I am going through something similar as I type and it's extremely hard. Especially with little ones and what he did to me was a hell of alot worse.

I do feel for you. I would suggest you getting out now while you can and try to save yourself heartache for a prolonged period of time. You have had clues right in front of your face so don't be stupid like me and pretend otherwise.

Making excuses and all of the secrets are both something that I have heard before. I hope you do what you know is best and prepare for what is going to come for the sake of your sanity.

I am going to ask you a question. Would you have done any of those things to him? Wouldn't you have gone about things differently? Well.. look at things from those perspectives. You love him.. you wouldn't want to do anything to hurt him and if you were, you would stop because you respect his feelings.

I truly believe that if someone loves you.. situations like ours wouldn't be an issue.

Good luck with everything. God bless.

[jacqueline39]

Hells_fairy you said a mouthful and then some! Thank you all for your wonderful support and encouragement. Its been very hard but I know I'll be better off away from him. At the moment I have several plans of action I can take.....they are not in motion as of yet but I've written a large honey-do list for myself. As long as I stick to my guns and not give in, I'll be fine. This time I don't have two small children to worry about and can move quickly. All the material things we bought together he can have. I can always replace material things. I can never get the last 5 years of my life back and I feel a bit resentful of that but I am not going to dwell on what's already done.

I'm gonna tell that "therapist" she can bite me shiney hiney too!

 

My plans thus far....

 

First I'll get the HELL outta dodge before I let my judgement be clouded again and move far up north where I have some family who can offer support and a place to stay! Plus he can't see, hear or try to "win" me back with empty promises long distance, can he?

 

Second: tell him while I'm still here at the house getting ready to move he can freely pursue any of those "other" options with my consent. No need for all this stealthy drama and secrecy.

 

It's funny in a way but I kind of feel like a HUGE burden and weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I cried very hard and long for many days and nights trying to figure out WHY....but I've come to the conclusion I will never understand why someone would be willing to lose a damn good woman! A sexy, good-looking one at that!! LOL

You're only a victim if you allow someone to continue to treat you disrespectfully, right?

I've been on my own before...been married for 7 years, divorced & raised 2 beautiful children on my own. I held down 2 jobs and an apt making ends meet without the help of a dead-beat father! I know I can make it on my own.

 

My bf always said I was the sexiest woman he's ever met and we've had a fantastic sex life the entire 5 years together. The novelty never did wear off. Let him find someone else and be happy. It's not going to be with me, that's for sure.

 

And to answer your question Hells_ I would never have treated him like he did me. I have always been upfront and honest. It has always been #1 in my book. No matter how many times life knocked me down I've always managed to pick myself up and keep going.

 

Today is an "UP" day for me, can you tell??? Esspecially since I just saw my bf riding around on a motorcycle with a small petite girl on the back when he was supposed to be working. I followed them for a bit just to make sure they saw me.

[Mun]

Wow ! this has got to be the fastest turn-around I have seen on this site. I have to congratulate you Jacqueline because I have a feeling that you are well on your way to a better place. Things either beat you or you beat them... you sure are beating them

 

Hope you continue on this mindset. Let us know how things turn out

[jacqueline39]

Muneca....I hope you're right and I can continue with the way I feel. I know there are going to be very hard times ahead of me but I'm glad of several things...we didn't get married and we didn't have any children together! We did however buy a house together and he is welcome to it now. He can have first choice of all we purchased together too. Material things don't matter to me as they can always be replaced. If I can leave with some dignity with my head held high I know I'll be fine. I am trying to think positive thoughts and not dwell on the negative. Am I scared of this change? Hell yeah! When I feel like the world is crashing down on me I remember one thing....I'll be up north closer to my kids. That thought has kept me going all day.

 

I was mainly trying to encourage Hells_Fairy to let her know I was once in her shoes as well. Married with kids, I was a homemaker and relied on my husband for everything. When he decided he wanted to see other ppl I was basically thrown out of our house with the kids to fend for ourselves. This break-up is not the hardest thing I've had to endure.

It was hard getting over my divorce and I don't think I ever loved my husband the way I truly love my bf. To me he was my soulmate. But I clearly wasn't his. I accept that now. I can't change how another person feels but I am pretty logical and realistic to know this is not the end of my world.

 

I do know it would be self-destructive to stay in this relationship with no trust. I gave my all and that just wasn't good enuff apparently.

I am staying positive...today! Later on tonight I may think otherwise.

[Mun]

We did however buy a house together and he is welcome to it now. He can have first choice of all we purchased together too.

 

I think you should consult a lawyer and see about the house. I know you don't care to keep it now, but if your name is on the paperwork it would be smart to get that sorted out--for legal reasons.

[Hells_Fairy]

Well, I am glad to see that you are in such upwards spirits. It's nice to have some influence so I can see that I am "not alone". I still have my bad days and then some are good. Just in case you are ever curious as to what has happened here is the url. Feel free to take a look and let me in on your opinions.

link removed

[Hells_Fairy]

By the way.. keep it up. I can already tell that you are going to be just fine. I hope I come to be as strong as you.

[OceanEyes]

Way to go Jacqueline! What's your secret? lol

 

Have you broken the news to your husband yet? Have you guys started discussing the details or splitting up at all?

[ConfusedAboutHer]

WOW! In some ways I can relate completely to what you are saying.

 

It is very unfortunate that people spend so much of their time investing in somebody they think they know. It really hurts to find out that the reality we live in seems more like a nightmare. I sometimes wish I could use my own advice when I say this but you need to cut your losses and just leave. The house is materialistic and can be replaced. I believe that your heart will suffer if you chose to stay and "work things out." keep in mind the fact that you are "searching for clues" and I would bet this has been consuming you for sometime now. Release yourself from the torture of this relationship and get out on your own. It will not be easy but after some time you may realize it is what's best.

 

please keep us informed on this situation because i am going through a very similar situation at the present and i know how hard it is to accept. Make sure that you take care of yourself.

 

-ConfusedAboutHer