A pause to reflect

[Clarabelle]

Hi everyone - Someone (Brandell, I think) commented here in response to one of my last posts that I use the forum to pour my heart out - he's absolutely right. I don't think I'm the only one who uses this forum in that way. The value I derive here is from our combined strength.

 

I went to the divorce lawyer last week and he strongly advised me not to pursue the separation agreement, that it would be counter-productive. He said, "My advice to you? Do nothing." As the lawyer pointed out, my husband is giving me what I want now: help with our daughter and splitting our shared expenses. We are learning to communicate and cooperate. That was what was missing before.

 

Like so many of us here, I'm going through an emotional whirlwind. Sometimes I feel fine, other moments I want this situation to be resolved. I want my husband to say he understands why I had to ask him to leave and that he's still committed to our marriage. But I've come to understand his wariness. He's afraid I'll ask him to leave again. He still says he loves me and even though I asked him for limited contact, he still sends me funny/caring messages.

 

Today when we were talking about our daughter and our finances, he sounded annoyed and rushed. During this phase of limited contact, I would have let it go. But today something was different. I took a chance. After we hung up, I texted him saying that I didn't know why he was in such a rush to hang up and seemed annoyed with me, but I was trying to discuss our daughter and our finances for a moment. He called back immediately to apologize, explaining that he only had a few minutes left on his cell, and then left me another voice mail to apologize, saying "don't think bad things like that. I love you guys." Even though it hurt to hear him say he loved me and our daughter, while he remains unwilling or unable to return home, I left a message back simply thanking him for his messages and that I had misunderstood his seeming haste.

 

When I'm feeling happy about my self, I don't obsess about the lack of resolution with my husband. I would love to learn to let go and embrace my life. But the fear and anxiety take over.

[Scout]

Hi everyone - Someone (Brandell, I think) commented here in response to one of my last posts that I use the forum to pour my heart out - he's absolutely right. I don't think I'm the only one who uses this forum in that way. The value I derive here is from our combined strength.

 

Beautifully said.

 

I think your lawyer is giving you good advice. And you may not see it, but you are undergoing incredible self-growth right now. I can't predict how things will turn out with you and your husband. But I'm pretty certain you're getting stronger and more confident each day. Sure, you're going to have little waves of fear, uncertainty or sadness (or all three!), but you have the strength to manage those moments and not let them define how you feel permanently.

 

Keep posting. I too believe eNotalone can help in our self-awareness process and learn a little about love, life and relationships, too.

 

- Scout

[Clarabelle]

Yesterday I realized that I needed to have some sort of resolution, because I still have a sense that my husband and I should try to save our marriage. I have been pretty firm about no contact, but my husband keeps sending me mixed messages, keeps calling to say hi or to pass on a funny joke or to see how our daughter and me are doing, like last weekend on our trip to Chicago. He has said a number of times that he's confused, but this separation has been an opportunity for me to slowly detach and declare my boundaries. I texted him saying that the fact that he rushed so quickly into a live-in relationship was proof that he didn't love me or value the marriage. He called back to say that he was upset by the message and that he didn't want to comment on it any further. I said I need to know what you want from me and where this is going. Is it over? He said yes, it's over, I do love you, and I have other things that I want to say, but you'll interpret them as mixed messages, so let's leave it at that. I asked if he didn't want to save his marriage. He said I lived with you for six years and we were unhappy most of the time and that I should go out and find a boyfriend to treat me nice, go out, have fun, be free, live your life. I asked do you want to get divorced? He seemed somewhat taken aback and said, yeah, we can get divorced. YOu can get a divorce. I said, no, you do it, I don't want the extra work, the ball is in your court.

 

I know that he has this fantasy, sort of along the lines of "if you love something, let it go", that if it's meant to be, we'll find each other again when we are happy and strong, not angry, confused and needy - I know because he shared this fantasy with me several times. While that would sound beautiful and romantic if it wasn't my situation and we were talking about younger people who don't have families.

 

One part of me wants that happy feeling that we had when we first met, that happy, sweet guy, our potential, another part of me looks at how we have suffered these past years, and another part of me looks at him jumping into a live-in relationship and I can never trust him again.

 

I'm feeling free and calm but also incredibly sad, feeling the loss.

[jackson5045]

Hello

 

Complicated situation to say the least

You cant let go for one simple reason, you havent yet broken up !

I dont have kids and stuff so I cant comment on some of the depths of this and you can certainly feel free to dismiss what I ahve to say and even call me names in the process if you like.

The one observation that I can share with you is that it seems indecision is killing both you and your husband and likely the rest of the family too.

 

You need to decide what to do with this. Only then can you move on, whichever way it goes.

I understand longing for the golden age of things when they were lovely and wonderful, but - how long ago was that exactly ?

 

It is often the middle ground of life that will do you the most damage.

Times when you wait, run in neutral. You need to decide whats the best course of action for you and your daughter. The rest will come in time.

 

Like I said dismiss me if you want, I wont be offended

 

Good luck and keep the updates coming

 

Jack