I don't understand men ...

[soloman9]

I write this not in a state of utter heartbreak or desperation but just a certain degree of confusion and would like some opinions. Sorry if it’s rambling!

 

I have been seeing a guy for three months and it’s been great. I couldn’t have asked for anything more – he always calls, is mature, responsible, goes out of his way for me, is supportive etc etc. I’ve been very happy and secure with him. It was the best start ever to a relationship, not too overwhelming but no game playing.

 

Three weeks ago I went to a wedding (and was leaving for a bit of a party holiday 4 days later) and we hadn’t yet had the ‘commitment’ chat. Admittedly I was a bit drunk and shouldn’t have done it over text message but I just asked where we stood, and how he’d feel if I were to get with anyone else on holiday. I had no plans to get with anyone else on holiday, but I just wanted to see if it would prompt him to ask me out. He replied saying he really liked me, wasn’t getting with anyone else and didn’t want to get with anyone else, and that he hoped I’d feel the same, but said we should wait until I’d got back from holiday and moved into my new flat (I’d been couch hopping for a month as I’d just moved to a new city) and was a bit more settled before we made it official. For me, that annoyed me a bit because if you’re exclusively seeing someone, then for me, that is going out. I didn’t want to push it though so I left it.

 

The next day I caught a train from the wedding to the city, and the plan was that he was going to pick me up and we’d spend the evening together and I was going to meet his parents for the first time. However he cancelled saying he felt ill and that I’d annoyed him with the question the night before, not that I’d asked about whether he was committed, but that I’d asked if we were getting with other people. He ended up surprising me by meeting me at the station and taking me to my friends house anyway (not his) but it was awkward and he didn’t kiss me goodbye. The dynamic had shifted slightly.

 

So that was a Sunday and I was going on holiday on the Friday morning. We had a week of slightly awkward texting (initiated by him – I’m very aware when I’ve annoyed someone and completely back off even though all I want to do is speak to them) but none of his usual 10pm phone calls, until we decided to meet up on Thursday to rectify the situation. We met up, had dinner, it was fine and we parted on good terms. He was jealous because that evening I had to share a bed with a male friend (part of the group I was going on holiday with really early the next day) but obviously reassured him nothing was happening.

 

The next day when I was at the airport I received a message like “If you f**k anyone else please don’t let me ever have s*x with you again.” And I just said to him “I don’t know how many times I can reassure you that I’ll miss you loads, I’ll speak as much as I can but please don’t worry.” I think he was partially bitter I was going away to the sun, as his Grandma is very ill at the moment, and he’s going through the process of trying to buy a house and it’s become an overwhelming headache of a problem for him.

 

The first few days of my holiday we were texting as much as I could (bad signal on a yacht!) and he was still sending jealous texts about if I was going to get with people. He really hadn’t shown this side to him before but I felt annoyed he hadn’t asked me out properly because then I doubt he’d have felt like this. Half way through the holiday, the texts from his side suddenly dwindled to very few and I immediately sensed something was up. I barely heard from him until the day before I came back when he cancelled on us spending the next night together as “he had to be with his best friend as he was breaking up with his girlfriend” which I already knew about and had said “no problem, just pop over to spend the night after you’ve spent the day with him” (the friend lives very close to my new flat) but just responded “Ok well, contact me when you have some time then.”

 

He text me when I landed home the next day and said he could stay at mine the next day, so I agreed, obviously I wanted to see him and hopefully shake off the awkwardness. We met up and had dinner and he received a phone call from his Dad saying they didn’t think his Grandma would make it through the night, so he had to go back home. I completely understood this and just said that “I’m here if you want to talk about it and I completely understand you need to go.” We ended up having a bit of a passionate quickie (who knew a hug about a Grandmas’ illness can turn into that?) and he was very affectionate and caring as he’d always been, and everything felt back to normal (although he did make a weird comment DURING like “I better not have caught anything from you off your holiday” – reading this now makes me realise you may think he’s weird.)

 

We made arrangements to see each other in 2 days time and he went back home. The next day, all was well. Then Wednesday he cancelled on our evening. I responded feeling hurt like “Right, well, it just seems you don’t have time for me anymore .. maybe we shouldn’t do this.” It was immature maybe, but I was hoping to call his bluff. It backfired and he called me that evening after he’d gone out for work drinks with a strange array of random excuses about how we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Apparently he “missed me so much whilst he was away he couldn’t handle the feeling … he felt emotional … because he missed me he started thinking about his ex who was the last person he’d ever missed, and couldn’t carry on seeing me if he’s started thinking about his ex again. He’d never go to back to her and that I was silly if I thought that, but he couldn’t be with me if he thought he still had any feelings for her .. he couldn’t go through what he went through with her again. It wasn’t anything I’d done, he really likes me and it’s been great, but he’s got so much going on in his head at the moment he can’t offer me anything positive right now as he’s so stressed out. I deserve something better, but we should meet up tomorrow and discuss it face to face.”

 

I said he either had to come over now to discuss it so we could draw a line under it immediately (he was close by) as I didn’t want it hanging over me tomorrow or for a week or whatever. He said he’d come, but then he text about half an hour later and just said it wasn’t a good idea, he was a bit drunk and wasn’t in a talkative mood. I said “I don’t need to talk, you’ve let me know how you feel but I just want you to come this evening to show you care. I really don’t want to be alone tonight.” He said “he shouldn’t, but we should meet tomorrow or the next week, let’s keep in contact I can’t bear to not speak to you anymore.” I said no, I can’t have it hanging over me, and I’m not going to be your friend.

 

That was 9 days ago now. I wished him a Happy Birthday and he politely responded. I caved a few nights ago and asked he was doing anything as I wanted to see him face to face, he couldn’t as he was having a family dinner with his Grandma before she went back into hospital, but that we should meet next week. I just said I can’t wait that long.

 

And that’s that. I’ve heard nothing from him. Any opinions on what happened. Do you think he got with someone whilst I was away? Did I try and push him too quick? How can he go from caring about me so much and always wanting contact to absolutely nothing in 2 weeks? I don’t get men at all. I want to know so I’m not responsible for anything like this in the future!

[guynextdoor]

Why can't you have the committment talk when you are not drunk? I mean who starts off a committment talk about asking someone they care about how would they feel if you hooked up with someone while going on a trip? You put this thought in his head and you expect for him to not have a red flag? C'mon now, don't be naive.

[ToF]

All right ... So, what I'm about to say, I don't say it out of judgment or to be mean. I'm just being honest.

 

If I'd received a message like the one in bold, I'd have ended the relationship. Things were going so, so well ... I kind of want to wring your neck and say "WHHHYY?!" lol. Why did you say this to him? Of course he's not going to want to date you after you pull this on him out of the blue! You essentially made him question the exclusivity of your relationship, while simultaneously trying to bully him into committing to you. What part of that was going to work out in your favor?

[soloman9]

Don't worry - I don't easily offend and I appreciate outside opinion. I know it was a stupid and immature thing to say, and other friends had highlighted that as being the precursor to everything. I never want to be the crazy, needy girl who pushes for committment and I know it should come from them, but it just came out that evening when I was drunk. I can't explain it, but I've been mucked around so much before in the past that I think I am determind not to be made to look stupid and want to look like I care less than I do. It was more along the lines of "If you're getting with other people then that's fine, but I need to know before I go away, as I need to know what's going on between us" I slightly edited the actual text.

[Godel]

Three weeks ago I went to a wedding (and was leaving for a bit of a party holiday 4 days later) and we hadn’t yet had the ‘commitment’ chat. Admittedly I was a bit drunk and shouldn’t have done it over text message but I just asked where we stood, and how he’d feel if I were to get with anyone else on holiday.

 

If the girl I was dating texted this the first image that would come to mind is that she's been playing tonsil hockey with some guy she meet at a bar and is sending the text from the bathroom of his hotel room. After I stared at the text for a while, I would assume it was in the bathroom after she had done the deed.

 

I had no plans to get with anyone else on holiday, but I just wanted to see if it would prompt him to ask me out.

 

This is the very definition of game playing.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you told him you wanted to cheat on him (not what you meant to say, but it's what you said) and did it just to get a reaction out of him. Exactly what reaction did you expect?

[ToF]

I think this one is pretty much a dead horse, so you should leave him alone. If he comes back around, that's great ... but I wouldn't expect it, you know?

 

There is a better way to have this conversation, in my opinion. Firstly, you have to be sober. Second, it needs to be face-to-face, then you need to say something like this: "Things have been going really well, and I was wondering if we are exclusive? I ask because I was hoping that we could be exclusive. If you don't have an answer now, that's fine. If you haven't thought about it yet, maybe we can start thinking about it."

[soloman9]

Not a reaction I clearly thought about enough. Do you think I should try and meet him and explain this was derived out of old insecurities rather than anything he made me feel, or as guys, do you think it's too late and he would have already lost the feelings for me?

[ToF]

I think it's a bit too late for this one. If you want to ask him to meet and see what he says, go for it. If he happens to agree to it, then you have a chance to at least speak your piece. I worry that you might not come accross the way you want to, though. You seem to let your emotions get away from you.

[fundate]

Don't worry - I don't easily offend and I appreciate outside opinion. I know it was a stupid and immature thing to say, and other friends had highlighted that as being the precursor to everything. I never want to be the crazy, needy girl who pushes for committment and I know it should come from them, but it just came out that evening when I was drunk.

 

Being drunk is the oldest excuse in the book - drunk or sober you must take responsibility for your actions and exercise self control.

 

The problem with your approach is that you tried to use reverse psychology to get what you want. That's called playing games! If you want a commitment from someone in the future be straight with them and tell them you want a commitment.

[SpiritofFire]

Well damn. If I received this message I wouldn't be pleased at all. I would loose trust for individual in question, and will be questioning like he did. In the end it seems like doesn't matter how much you apologize, he probably is still playing same old record in his head. It's truly possible he wishes to get over it, but something needs to happen so he can forget that message. I hear ya and understand what you said, now how do you convince this dude to get your trust back. Well perhaps read articles on how to gain someones trust back. It's a tough call and you seem to care but games is not the way, and some people get turned off by them. Explaining your concerns would be a great way to start, face to face, person to person. Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to take responsibility for your message. It is not necessarily up to the man to bring up commitment. You can start the conversation so you know where you stand. But doing it that way would turn off almost anyone.

 

I would move on if I were you. Meeting up to tell him you are insecure (did it due to past insecurities) is not reassuring.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yikes! Well...I have to concur with the others here that the exclusivity talk isn't the problem here -- the problem is how you brought it up. I can almost guarantee that if you'd simply said 'Hey, I was wondering what you think about being exclusive,' this would have turned out WAY differently. If a guy sent me a message before he was going on vacation asking me how I would feel if he hooked up with someone else while out of town, I'd assume he planned to do that, and I would assume he wasn't that into me. This guy probably had NO worries at all until you sent that text, and when you did, it probably triggered some massive insecurity on his part, which is entirely understandable.

 

You might try to meet up with him and explain what happened -- that you really wanted to be exclusive, that you didn't see anyone else when you were on your holiday, and that you handled it poorly. Then, see what he says. I don't know what the chances are that you can fix this, but...if you really want to try, you should.

 

A couple of important things to take away from this situation:

 

1) Never have serious conversations over text messages -- EVER.

 

2) Never have serious relationship conversations while intoxicated -- EVER.

 

3) Never play on someone's insecurities and/or potential jealousy to obtain a positive outcome in relationships -- EVER.

 

Good luck -- I wouldn't count on being able to fix this, but...if you try and fail, at least you tried.

[android]

I dont know if i am right to say this but you could maybe write a mail or something in detail over everything.. explain what u did and that you didnt mean anything.. Telling the truth in a convincing way could erase the suspicion that's come into him. It was a dum thing to do.. but well, this is probably the only way out.. when you mail, (and write a long one that he will read) he will at least be able to read it full before he tells anything.. if you try this face to face, he might not listen.. send a loving, caring mail.. explain urself.. and maybe this should work. If he doesnt respond to that, sorry to say its a no go

[CatchersRye]

I dont know if i am right to say this but you could maybe write a mail or something in detail over everything.. explain what u did and that you didnt mean anything.. Telling the truth in a convincing way could erase the suspicion that's come into him. It was a dum thing to do.. but well, this is probably the only way out.. when you mail, (and write a long one that he will read) he will at least be able to read it full before he tells anything.. if you try this face to face, he might not listen.. send a loving, caring mail.. explain urself.. and maybe this should work. If he doesnt respond to that, sorry to say its a no go

 

I disagree. No need to send one large message puking up every bad thought and explanation.

 

Take responsibility for what you said. Apologize. Reassure him that you never cheated on him, that you want to be exclusive and that you will work on improving your communication skills with him if he still wants to be with you.

 

This is ultimately the result of bad communication bought on by your own fears of not wanting to make a mistake, yet what you wind up doing resulted in a bad mistake.

 

If you don't want to play games, don't play games.

 

It's tough, I know because your emotions are getting to you. You want some way to get him to act or respond in a specific manner. You cannot do that. You cannot control him. Or vice versa.

 

Be open and honest about your fears. Reassure him of your faithfulness.

 

He has his own fears obviously from that comment he made during that quickie. It wasn't weird, it was him communicating with you that he has doubts of your faithfulness all because you wanted to play games.

 

And you can only continue if he still has trust in you.

 

Bottom line, stop having sex. Focus on improving the growth of the emotional elements of the relationship and then once trust and open communication is back, then decide as a couple whether to re-engage in sex.

 

Otherwise, you risk him sticking to you for the sex and still not trusting you.

[soloman9]

Thank you for advice. I am still upset that he hasn't initiated contact with me once in nearly two weeks but I did text him and ask if we could meet this week. He said sure but didn't offer any specific day, I responded saying "Ok well I can do Monday or Thursday, so let me know what's good for you." That was yesterday and he hasn't responded, so I suspect his initial wish to see me the day after it happened may have just been to soften the blow to me. I don't feel like I can do anything more now. I did think about writing an email to him, but I'd rather see him face to face. I think he thinks I'll be upset or difficult with him, but in reality I want to apologise on my part. I don't think I can push him, and I wouldn't keep texting to explain why I want to meet him otherwise I'll just look neurotic. The ball is 100% in his court now, but I don't think he'll actually meet me. I'm so gutted, he's so great. It's difficult to know how much to try as I want him to know I care and don't want to let this go, but at the same time I don't want to flog a dead horse.

[Tintelpe]

I'm afraid there really isn't anything more you can do. I really, really, really don't want to make this look like a pile-on, but there are only two ways he can interpret that message:

 

1- You can't convince him it was based on your insecurities - At this point he thinks you weren't that into him and you planned to hook up on holiday. If I were him, I would assume you failed to find someone and returned to me as 'the second choice'. No one wants to be the second choice, so I'd run away.

 

2- You can convince him it was based on your insecurities - At this point he thinks you will manipulate him emotionally to get what you want. If I were him, I'd be afraid that you would say things just to get a reaction out of me rather than be real. No one wants to be emotionally manipulated and deal with a 'fake' relationship, so I'd run away.

 

I'd chalk this one up to experience and try to deal with whatever emotions caused you to do this in the first place. He's not responding because from his position there is no scenario where you aren't messing with him. People just don't have the same experiences you do, and it's both unrealistic and unfair to expect others to understand why you make the choices you do. Threatening to sleep with someone else three months into a relationship is a pretty massive nuclear bomb to drop, and anyone with self respect is going to bail before the blast wave hits.

[soloman9]

He's said he can meet me on Thursday. Let's hope he doesn't back out and that I can try and apologize for being immature.

[Stay_home]

This all got started when you tested him. You basically gave him a red flag and since then he no longer trusts you. Not to mention, you haven't exactly exhibited a responsible urge to want to be in a committed relationship by saying something like that. Don't ever do that again. That was just an awful test to administer, now he's dropped out of your class.

[CatchersRye]

He's said he can meet me on Thursday. Let's hope he doesn't back out and that I can try and apologize for being immature.

 

Good to hear. Good luck. Just be sure to get yourself in a good frame of mind. Take it easy and try to make sure each person's voice is heard, but if either of you show an indication to interrupt the other, make it known that person needs to finish making their point. And then the other can respond.

 

Just try to remain clam during the event and good luck.