Getting over it...

[Zeldaster]

So, you got dumped by a girl, and you still like her. Sounds familiar. Well, I have no idea if this is helpful, but I thought I'd share it.

 

So, I was dumped by I girl I thought I loved. It crushed me for a few weeks, mabey even a month. I became very closed to all emotions, not wanting it to happen again. After about 5 months, we were still friends, in my hopes for another relationship with her. I was pathetic. I bent over backwards for her, treated her like a princess. I wanted to be with her again. Then, after more months, I started to notice other girls.

 

Then I finnally admitted to myself that I liked another girl. It was great! After a few days, I started treating her like a regular person. It felt great. Now I am in another happy relationship. The moral to this long and boring story is that, if you still like a girl after she dumps you, you must get over it. I know how hard it is, but you have to. Thats it, the end. Trust me, I have never felt anything for the first girl again.

 

Sincerely,

~Zeldaster~

[caliboy]

Just curious, but when you started treating your ex like a regular person, did her attitude toward you change at all?

[SwingFox]

Hi Zeldaster,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your message. Unfortunately I do not entirely agree to your message, I have to admit.

 

The truth is that as you have written things, things are not that black & white. I have seen articles on here in which people broke up at first and then got back together. I believe those people are still happy together now even a year and a half later. I am talking teenagers, too.

 

I agree with you that breaking up is very hard. It makes one feel down, confused over what happened and it knocks down self confidence with some people. However, I think there's always a chance to get together. This varies from person to person and from couple to couple, though. It depends on how strong their love was and it depends how far they trusted and will trust each other again.

 

I hope that this shed a different light on your message. Should you have any comments, I gladly invite you to reply to it. I am interested to hear more from you

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Always Hopeful]

I have to disagree with SwingFox. Once a woman changes her heart, you can't change it back. I mean there are a lot of reasons why breakups occur, but if she is the one that initiates it, she has her reasons, and she may never let you in on it. So if you go out trying to win her back, your actions may be totally ineffective because it does not address the issue(s) why she broke up with you in the first place (and even if you know the issue, she may not care to have them addressed). You get caught up in this endless cycle of trying and failing to win back the heart of someone who has decided to move on. She'll get annoyed, and you'll get bitter and angry.

 

One of the problems between men and women (although by no means the only problem, and that's an understatement) is that guys think that they can treat relationships with women and problems with a relationship with a woman more or less like they treat guy/guy relationships and problems with those relationships. Guys can come the physical blows and yet a few days later, have a beer and call a truce. No hard feelings. We are not emotionally invested sometimes, it's just a gut reaction to outside stimuli. If we try to employ the logic route to explain and fix problems, we often forget that people are not 100% logical 100% of the time (sometimes, we're not even close).

 

Women, I don't think, operate that way. Once a frame of mind has been set, that's it. They invest so heavily in the emotional aspects of the relationship that once changed it's hard to get back to that level emotionally. Not to make it sound trivial, but it's kinda like solving a puzzle. Once a woman feels that the puzzle is solved, and there is nothing interesting or emotionally satisfying about the relationship anymore, why mix it up and start the puzzle over again? It's been done. So I am beginning to think that once a woman initiates a change in the relationship, something fundamental has already occurred, and it is almost impossible getting it back.

 

I tell you this because I just came off of a gut wrenching breakup. I too tried to "fix" the relationship, and it only led to more heartache, pain and suffering. Every attempt to make my ex feel good, flowers, music, books, friendly e-mails and letters, attempts at reconciliation, they were all rejected (and sometimes, rather harshly). It was painful. I'm not completely over it (I still have lingering anger and pain over the episode), but letting her go and moving on and concentrating on that is helping a great deal. Learn your lessons in life and move on. At the very least, even if she has lingering feelings for you, you moving on will make you more happy and ultimately make her think whether she has lost someone she shouldn't have lost.

 

If you don't move on, and do so early in the breakup phase, you may end up like me, with a relationship with an ex so broken you can't even be friends or be in the same room together (this from a person you used to love and once was a truly good friend). Move on early, break it clean.

[SwingFox]

Hi Always Hopeful,

 

I understand your message and thank you for replying to my message. The truth is, though, that I have seen living examples of couples getting back together... *grins*. Actually, there's been a young woman posting on here that has taken her ex back and after a year they are still doing fine it seems.

 

I hope this does shed a different light on your opinion

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Zeldaster]

Dear Mostly Swing Fox, and Caliboy,

 

While the situation between the woman and getting back together, and I think it's good to share it, it's not helping. You saying that gives hope to people like me and Always Hopeful (irony, eh?), usually causing more problems. While your intentions are good, you should consider that. I tried pretty hard, and while I didn't go to the internet for help, some might. I'm just trying to prevent this situation from happening to other, and your not helping. I release you are trying to prove a point, but it's completely ruining my point.

 

While you may give hope to one person, and they and there ex get back together, many others will try and fail. All of this on your words. While I understand people may give up a possible relationship reading my post, I think it will help many others.

 

Oh, and she did notice my change in behavior, and was actually more confortable with me!

 

Sincerely,

~Zeldaster~

[Always Hopeful]

Zeldaster:

 

I agree with you. The potential for making more mistakes in trying to "fix" the problems in a broken relationship is greater than the possible mistake of letting go and moving on. Why? I just don't think that two people who are "meant to be each other" would be in a situation where one person is constantly trying to "fix" a problem while the other no longer cares. There has to be a response, a positive one, and it looks like both you and I have been in situations where we've tried, and it was starting to look pathetic.

 

If the person you let go is truly a "soulmate" (and people, please don't use those words lightly, don't just say it, you have to mean it) then things will get resolved. But no sense in stuggling to "save" something/someone that doesn't want to be "saved." Move on. Date someone else. Find out if "soulmate" is the right definition. Chances are if you explore and find someone else or find a hobby or something to do to channel that energy into something positive, the feeling of freedom, finding someone or something that finally responds to you in a positive way, will be extremely rewarding. And, it might end up that your positive outlook will become obvious to those around you. That is an attractive thing to everyone.

 

SwingFox, I understand that there are exceptions to every rule, but your example, I think that's rare. Also, your phrasing "she took her ex back" sounds like she broke it off and then decided to start it back again (please correct me if I am wrong). In other words, the one to call it off, called it back on again. I think this situation is different in that it is an example of the one in "control" making the decisions to start or stop the relationship. I don't think that is what Zeldaster is referring to. The decision was not Zeldaster's or mine. In anycase, I truly hope there are more examples like yours SwingFox. But in reality, my opinion, and from the other posts on this site I think there is much agreement, mending a broken relationship is fraught with peril, emotional heartache and pain and better left alone.