Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

[mjones.uk]

Food for thought.......

 

The link to the site comes after the article that I have reproduced:

 

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Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

 

You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless Bitch for dumping him."

 

I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like shit, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. thereforeeeeeee, all mammals live in the sea."

 

If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

 

What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys ™ are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually payed some kind of attention to him.

 

Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that get's attracted to them is the lowest form of life...

 

Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

 

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".

 

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

 

They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

 

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

 

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

 

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm here."

 

The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"

 

More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!

 

Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.

 

This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".

 

Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.

 

You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible. "

 

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link removed

[Pengui6668]

Ya know what? This was right on the money... I'm that nice guy loser... i really am... described how my last relationship was.. let her make all the decisions, ALWAYS with her... fearing she'd like someone else.. needed love frm her constantly.. Damn.. at least now i know.. i can change now... THANKS

[brandos lovechild]

very accurate.. nice guys don't become confident and controlled overnight tho.In my own experience, once the girl of my dreams tore my heart out of my a ss , and i realised i'd never get her back, i gave up on trying to impress females and put little effort into getting to know them. However, i've noticed that if you treat pretty girls like the sweat from your armpit..and excuse yourself from their company as much as possible, some strange chemical reaction happens in their brains!! it is along the lines of this .." why isn't he showing interest in me,im better than him, so why?" I'm a firm believer that 'nice guys' are just not sexy. why would a women want to go to bed with a guy who finds himself inferior to her.. she would rather have sexual tension which is where the " why isn't he showing interest in me...", bit comes in. FINALLY, guys remember, make-up was created for a reason, women are supposed to be the insecure ones. ok that wasn't funny at all, but guys just concentrate on getting p issed instead of charming girls.

[SwingFox]

Hi mjones.uk,

 

I understand your article. Thank you for your insight. I do not agree to it, though. I have been on eNotalone.com from the beginning of January and I claim that I have read hundreds of articles, since I already have answered to over 800 articles on here.

 

I see so many (young) women breaking up with their b/f or being dumped by their b/f, because they were too silent or they were... or they too charge of a situation or they were... or they were in general not being nice and understanding. That is very contradictionary to what has been written in this article. Of course I am talking about extremes here, but what is the way through the middle? I believe that varies from person to person. Some persons would like their partner to take the lead and some persons are leaders themselves, regardless wether they are male or female in any of these situations.

 

I think it's safe to say that the statements in this article aren't as black and white as it claims that things are. I believe that the way in the middle is my rule in life: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy." I believe in setting boundaries in your life. What do you and what don't you find acceptable in a relationship. That helps in making sound decisions that work for you. Of course those boundaries are somewhat dynamic, because of (new) influences and new points of view, but they form the basis for acceptance.

 

I hope that my reply shed a new light on this article.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[caliboy]

I agree with SwingFox. Girls like nice guys, but not nice guys who are too nice. Be caring and supportive of them, but make sure they know that if they weren't around, you'd be fine - you don't need them to survive. When it comes to a serious committed relationship, a girl wants a guy who's nice, but secure and not a push over and not a jerk. I think the younger nieve girls like the assholes, until they get burned and realize more about what type of guy they want.

 

A woman wants a guy who's nice, who'll call the shots and be confident in his decisions because she is experienced. A girl wants a jerk because she is either young, inexperienced or both. ???

 

Although girls are different (yet all of them are messed up in the head - or a least they just have a different type of brain then us guys), so you have to just play it by ear. I may be off on some of this, but this is just what I've formulated so far, although I'll never fully understand the female brain.

[solstice48]

Thanks M for the article. I also feel that there are shades of gray in what was said. Parts of the article do have some merit especially before the realtionship starts & it comes down to what each person is looking for in the other. As we all know things change once your in a relationship for any length of time. You always hear that women want men to open up but once you do is that taken as a sign of insecurity? Then there's always the influence that one person has on the other over time. I'm finially understanding how complicated relationships are & that they do need continous care. I'm also seeing that realtionships offer growth in many ways. Trusting someone within a relationship allows you to be yourself so I can understand what was said about having yourself together before you get into one. And, roles can change (along with people) over time in a relationship. What was said about realtionships being dynamic, always changing is true. I maybe wrong but I see the article saying "be as sure as you can of who you are & who you want before you get serious". But as we all no there are no guarantees in life. Just a small bit of input from me. Thanks again MJ!

[brandos lovechild]

st , it's funny you should say " i'll never understand the female brain".. don't worry, not even freud could work that one out !! i think the confusion on that subject is a matter of women wanting too much from men. you always hear the immortal words from women.." all i want is a sweet,emotionally available guy,who'll treat me right"... but you are most likely to hear that from a women after she has been burned by the good-looking philanderer she so often falls for. When that 'sweet' guy tries to connect with her, she won't let him in..why? Because he doesn't excite her ! how many romance novels are there featuring a short,balding guy coming home from work with a handful of roses for his lady and telling her he loves her 100 times ? A BIG FAT BALDING ZERO ! CONCLUSION: women just be honest , looks , sexual attraction , and charm are everything to you,and you can't deny it !!! so all ugly bastards out there...YOU MAY AS WELL SHOOT YOURSELF !!! only joking...but guys don't treat her like cleopatra until she deserves it...and even then make sure you can not only afford it, but that she truly deserves it !!! im outte

[dilemmaforlove]

MJ, great observations, and great article. I was one of those losers you're talking about. In fact, everything you say in the article is point for point how I was. Obviously, I'm using the past tense, so what happened Dillemma?

 

Well, basically, I got lucky. Senior year in HS I ask out the hottest girl in the school to Homecoming. We were sort of friends beforehand, and we sometimes talked about our lives. So, I decide to give it a hell of an effort. She says yes.

 

Okay, Okay, so Nice Guys always go for these pretty girls and they try to become their friend, blah blah, etc etc.

 

I try a different approach with this girl. I had already failed twice by using the "Nice Guy" approach, and I wasn't going to allow this one to slip.

 

There are 2 weeks before homecoming, and I decide to be "cool" with her for a while. So when she comes to class, I give her a "Good Morning", and that's it. I don't ask her out to coffee, I don't desperately try to make small talk -- what do I care, I already got the date. So I play it cool.

 

Turns out, this worked like a champ. The day before Homecoming, I decide to pull her aside and have lunch with her, and we discuss what we're going to wear and when I'd pick her up. But, again, I played it cool. Come Homecoming Night, she was totally into me. I had this one clean, and I knew it. I was as confident as can be.

 

Homecoming night comes, and I go to pick her up and give her the "you look great" line. I tell her: "I hope you like Itallian", she responds that she does. So during dinner, she gives the Line: "What if I said that I didn't like Itallian, what would you do?". This line had been posed to me before, and I had given the 'wrong' answer. I tell her that "I picked this place to eat. I think you should try the Marsalla." And I left it at that. I'm not sure what the 'correct' answer is, but this seemed to go over fine.

 

So the night continues, I don't really make too many moves, except hold her hand and get close on the dance floor. So after the dance I take her home, and she does something that sort of caught me by surprise: she invites me in. I pause for a moment, not really sure what to do. So, I decide in my mind: what the hell, go for it. This could be your money shot. So I tell her: "sure". She then reminds me that her mother is upstairs, possibly sleeping. We share a laugh (more like she giggles and I just smile and nod). So I wish her a good night, she tells me that she had a great time, and we kiss.

 

I go home. Satisfied. Not the best date ever. Nothing spectacular happened. But there was this feeling that I had reached a new level in dating. I finally realized, for the first time in my life, that dating is easy. Girls, in general, are easy. Using the Nice Guy approach, going overboard, is simply unnecessary.

 

So, for all of those Nice Guys out there, try a different approach. What do you have to lose? And, for the love of God, be yourself.

 

Best of Luck to all.

[Jay Fouchecourt]

i'll tell you the truth. i am a nice guy and woman seem to either take advantage of it or not even bother.....by the way i'm definitely not a loser...just though i'd clear that up. the problem is that woman want a challenge....you can be nice....but you have to show that you have your act together....thats what attracts people....if want someone to come along for the ride, then you have to know what ride you getting on....indesisciveness is killer.....know who you are and appreciate it...thats the key my friends....from knowing comes confidence.....let the female know that you are who you are and love it....woman like to reform men....hense thats why they always go for the losers, dirtbags, whatever stereotype you give...its because the need reform....see nice guys usually dont need reform in that sense, they just need confidence...when a girl realizes your a pushover she could either use her genetic animal instincts to take advantage of you, or help you out (depends on the girl)...if your a nice guy than good, stay that way...don't give in...but stay strong, and if you fall, then stand up and dust yourself off...it's better to be standing and try...