My bf is all of the sudden unsure about his feelings and this other girl :S

[gabriella777]

This was completely unexpected! (on my part anyway).

 

My bf just told me that lately his feelings about me have been weakened and today he went to a cafe and memories of this girl he used to have feelings for came back to him.

And now he is unsure about us, about how he feels about her (he hasn't seen her in ages, she lives in another country but they have contact) and about how she feels about me.

He said that our relationship is emotionally dissatisfying for him.

 

He also said that he had been thinking about visiting her just to clarify his feelings.

 

I feel really hurt and I don't know how to deal with this :S I told him I feel very uncomfortable and that I don't like being in a relationship with someone who is so confused and doesn't know what he wants. I also told him that I'm not sure whether I want to have patience or not with this- I don't think it's something I can deal with.

 

I seriously have no clue what to do!!! and I'm seriously considering breaking up but I dont know if that's necessary :S

 

Help??

[RedDress]

I think breaking up is necessary.

 

At minimum, you need to set him free to do what he needs to do. You know that old cliche? If you love someone set them free and if it was meant to be they will come back? Unfortunately, that's what you are living.

 

I think that if you hold onto him and he doesn't explore whatever it is that he needs to explore, he may resent you in time. I don't think you should sit around and wait for him to figure things out. That will simply eat up your self-esteem. That's horrible! Why would you do that to yourself?

 

Set him free. If he comes back - AND you are available and actually want him back when/if he comes back, it will be a more solid relationship.

 

Besides... you are young. You have much time ahead of you...

[DN]

I agree - you should break up with him. Why stay with someone not invested emotionally?

[gabriella777]

That's what I thought too. But he is now telling me that the only reason those feelings for this other girl came back was because there is something wrong with our relationship and that we just need to change our relationship and he'll be okay again.

 

He said he doesnt want to lose me and he wants to change the way our relationship is going. And that he wants us both to work on this because he still wants to stay with me and still loves me. But I dont know if I can stay with him after this or even if I have the patience and willingness to deal with it and work on it. :S

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's what I thought too. But he is now telling me that the only reason those feelings for this other girl came back was because there is something wrong with our relationship and that we just need to change our relationship and he'll be okay again.

 

He said he doesnt want to lose me and he wants to change the way our relationship is going. And that he wants us both to work on this because he still wants to stay with me and still loves me. But I dont know if I can stay with him after this or even if I have the patience and willingness to deal with it and work on it. :S

 

Did he explain what he would like to change, why he feels something is lacking? Relationships sometimes do get stale and need to be jazzed up a bit. I think if you both have realistic expectations and are willing to work through things, the relationship can be strengthened. However, this other woman needs to be out of the picture completely. If he decides to go visit her then this relationship should be ended.

[gabriella777]

Did he explain what he would like to change, why he feels something is lacking? Relationships sometimes do get stale and need to be jazzed up a bit. I think if you both have realistic expectations and are willing to work through things, the relationship can be strengthened. However, this other woman needs to be out of the picture completely. If he decides to go visit her then this relationship should be ended.

 

They have been friends for ages. And even though, I would have loved for this woman to be out of the picture completely, I don't think I can ask him to stop all contact with her. He said he wanted to visit just to clarify whether he does have feelings for her or not. But I know that if he decided to visit her, I would break up with him because of how jealous I would get. I can't bear the thought of him talking to her ever again

 

After this, I am doubting my willingness to try for this relationship. I don't want to leave him, I love him. And this relationship has been great for me - I really do not want it to end. But if he's not 100% committed and emotionally involved, I don't want to try for something that will never happen. I feel horrible Why is he doing this?? I can't understand where this is coming from at all!

[RedDress]

Personally, I perceive what he said to you (that he likes/liked this girl that he is friends with) as a little bit abusive (and I admit I am using the word "abuse" very liberally here). What he's done is put you in an impossible situation. It's very unkind. Yes... that is the better word. Unkind.

 

You are right - how can you ever feel comfortable now with him visiting this friend when he's told you that he may have feelings for her - so much so that he might want to break up with you about it? How can you feel anything BUT threatened and jealous when he says something like that?

 

On the flipside - sure - you look like the wicked witch of the west if you prevent him from seeing his "friend" if she's been around for ages.

 

Personally, I think that with this revelation, he has crossed the friendship line. With this declaration, he has defined this girl as NOT his friend. She is his (potentially past or maybe present) romantic interest.

 

I wouldn't want to try very hard, either, with someone who insisted on keeping (potentially past or maybe present) romantic interests in their lives.

[gabriella777]

I asked him whether he would cut all contact with her if I asked him to and he said ".......yes.". I don't understand why he's telling me that he's all so confused and then telling me that he would do anything to sustain our relationship.

 

I thought about telling him what has been suggested here... we break up and then, i'll see if he comes back to me. After he has figured himself out. I guess less than a month would be a reasonable time for him to realise what he wants? I'm just afraid if I do that, I might be over him by the time he comes back to me (if he does).

 

Whatever the situation though, I can't stand the thought of him talking to her again. So I think I will be the "wicked witch". If he has put me in this situation, what else can I do????? I just cannot survive in a relationship where I feel threatened all the time.

[femaleanomaly]

This is going to sound a bit blunt but I think that he has already broken up with you. As soon as he told you that he wants to verify his feelings with another girl because your relationship is 'dissatisfying' to him, it should have been over. He pretty much just told you that he was going to go window shopping, you're great but he might have found something better so he's going to go check it out to see if he does want to trade for someone else. If I were you, I would go ahead and do your moving on because it sounds to me like he's being a real jerk about how he informed you. He pretty much gave you a heads up that he might possibly go visit some chick to cheat on you!

 

When I first read your post I got so mad and apalled that I read it to my boyfriend too, to see if it was possibly just me standing up for another girl. It's not. He said the same thing. Sounds to me like you guys have already broken up, you just haven't made it official yet. Don't let him play with your feelings. He doesn't know what he wants and he needs to figure it out, on his own.

 

Again, sorry if this is all a little blunt, but this is how I read the situation.

[gabriella777]

He pretty much just told you that he was going to go window shopping, you're great but he might have found something better so he's going to go check it out to see if he does want to trade for someone else.

 

That's what I told him too. That I am not prepared to wait so he can be "who he likes best". But he told me that I misunderstood it. Apparently he only thinks that he felt like that because there is something wrong in our relationship and that his feelings for her would not have come back if everything was okay with us and that he is sure that he has no romantic emotions for her.

But I really don't know how much I believe all that. I don't think he is consciously lying or has bad intentions. But I think that he doesn't know what he wants and might only be saying this to keep me

 

I only had 3 hours of sleep because of this last night and when I woke up I was uncertain whether I had actually slept or not ugh!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But has he actually vocalized what he thinks is wrong with your relationship and what he would like to change. It really is not enough for him to say he is unhappy with the relationship but then leave you in the dark as to what exactly he is unhappy about. Things can't be fixed if there is no discussion about the issues. So unless he actually has something constructive to say to actually nail down what the issues are in his mind that you can both work on together to fix, then his words of wanting to work this out are meaningless, particularly when he is talking about having feelings for someone else. Even if he should come back to you after seeing her, you would never know just how intimate they became while together. The last thing you need is a man who runs off to another woman then comes running back to you....who knows when he would do it again with yet another woman.

[gabriella777]

The thing is that I haven't seen him yet. He told me all this yesterday night, when we were apart. We're meeting today later on and I reckon that he's gonna tell me then what he wants. He told me one thing that he wants to change and I can do that, it's only a small thing. But I can't imagine that small annoyances can drive him to start having feelings for someone of the past. Or can it?

 

When it comes to this girl, I think I will give him the ultimatum: her or me. I do feel emotionally cheated. I can't be with him if he is still in contact with her. Am I over reacting on this one??? I think it's perfectly reasonable that I'm asking him to cut all contact with her but I am afraid that if I do ask him, he'll complain that I'm restricting him too much.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Since he has told you he may have feelings for her, you have every right in the world to ask him to cut contact with her...however, that doesn't mean he will cut contact. He could tell you he has but then secretly remain in contact with her and you wouldn't know the difference. I think you need to first see what he has to say face to face. Also, make sure his demands and expectations are reasonable and that he is also putting in effort to fix this, not simply saying that you have to do all the changing.

[gabriella777]

Since he has told you he may have feelings for her, you have every right in the world to ask him to cut contact with her...however, that doesn't mean he will cut contact. He could tell you he has but then secretly remain in contact with her and you wouldn't know the difference. I think you need to first see what he has to say face to face. Also, make sure his demands and expectations are reasonable and that he is also putting in effort to fix this, not simply saying that you have to do all the changing.

 

I trust him that he will not do things behind my back. Also, I'd have to see his reaction on this; if it's too much for him to cut contact with her, he'll lose me. I told him I would not accept anything that might result to me being utterly miserable.

Thanks for this... ugh, I hate this situation. Asking him to cut contact with her though, doesn't necessarily mean that he will not have feelings for her anymore at all... he'll still miss her and even more now. And might start hating me.