Convinced she is with someone else.

[bpm103]

I don't know this for sure but it's killing me to be thinking of it all the time. We live apart now so I am not even in the same state - the last 5 months we have been apart as I had to move for a job. That makes it easier for her to do her thing and me to do mine. I think she met someone through work and that this relationship likely started well before she decide to end things. Right up until the end she was saying how she loved me and wanted to keep working on things (we have had our issues caused by my selfish actions). Then she just got distant and the morning we broke up she didn't answer her phone when I called. Her excuse was BS - saying she didn't have her phone on her. That NEVER happens. Sorry - I'm not &^$%ing stupid. Eventually she called back and made the conversation very short, which is not like her - usually she can't stop talking.

 

I accepted that she wanted to break up - in fact I had to push her to just do it. Who knows if she would have had the guts to end it anyway? I told her I noticed the distance and she agreed. I said, well then "should we break up"? She just said she felt bad because she saw that I was now fighting for the relationship and she lost "it". She said when she saw me last, the weekend before, that she just didn't feel the same. Weird, cuz the sex was good and she didn't say anything to me about that when I was there. NO, she told me everything was fine! At least I had owned up to the things I had done and wanted to work through them. She couldn't even tell me to my face that she was losing feelings.

 

So, based on all of that and the fact that when I sent her an email last week telling her that I love and miss her and realize that I really messed up she just replied and said "thank you for acknowledging your part, glad you are trying to fix yourself, and you can call me if you need me" (in more words). There was no emotion in her email. She didn't say she loved me. I get it... she has moved on. But people do not drop someone else so easily without a fall back. I'm pissed because she didn't try to talk to me about it after I asked her numerous times if everything was ok.

 

So now I am sitting here wondering how long she might have been talking to a new guy. What he does better than me. It creates insecurities.. that I wasn't man enough, tall enough, big enough, etc. All superficial garbage. It's driving me nuts and I want answers but I know it will do me no good. GRRRRR! I want to say I hate her but I dont. I love her so much and she just dropped me.

 

With all of that said, like I have mentioned before, I was a piece of crap to her for far too long. I woke up too late and now she is gone. I deserve to be where I am at and it's a hard lesson to learn. I will take from this what I need to in order to be a better partner in the future. But I am human and this does hurt bad.

[Donovan79]

Man, she's not even in the same state? Many, many people are simply not able to handle distances, especially if they're insecure, as they want validation from someone being physically around them all the time. It sounds like she has indeed moved on, but don't beat yourself up about it. It wasn't you, it was just her need for attention. You can do better.

[bpm103]

Well, we were together for 4.5 years... only the last 6 months have we lived apart. I was planning to move back to be with her and I told her that. But she probably didn't trust me and needed someone else that she felt in more control of. Again, I was not the best boyfriend. I did some selfish things and many women would have ended it long before she did. However, she stuck with me and for that I fell deeper in love with her. I had been working on getting better and I now KNOW I am on the right path. But she bailed just a bit too early, before the change took place. I feel it now, that I am changing into a true man. No more BS. A mature relationship is all I will accept going forward. My prior behaviors were detrimental to me and her. I get why she left though. LOL, obviuously you can see the wave I am riding... one minute I am proud of what I am doing and the next minute I am bashing myself. And like I said before, I want to be mad at her but I just cant. But I can use the spite to become a great person, better looking, a better lover, more caring, more confident, wealthier, more social, and thus I will be able to GIVE more to my next partner.

[OneSadPuppy]

bmp,

 

I think you need to accept what has happened and move on.

It's not even important anymore why it happened (other than the lessons it might have taught you).

 

You have no control over this woman and she has no obligation (moral or otherwise) to make nice with you.

It would be one thing if you were receiving text messages and contact attempts from her while she's spinning plates or busy with another guy, but I don't think that is the case.

 

My ex went back on line a couple weeks after we broke up (that would be a couple weeks after she was discussing how big of house we should buy together).

 

Point is, other than start a quick thread questioning some peoples healing methods, I wouldn't allow myself to think further on her choices.

I don't care if she was getting pounded by a large alpha male silver back gorilla!

Why, because it's not my business and she was free to do whatever she wanted when I walked out of her door for the last time (April 19th, 3:23 pm - get it, it hurt).

 

Just worry about yourself friend. That chapter of your life is closed. Don't worry about what she's doing, just move on!

If you cannot stop thinking of her, you need to deal with that, not worry about what she's doing with her time, but rather what you should do with yours!

 

OSP

[bpm103]

Thanks OSP. I appreciate the straight talk. You are right.. I don't have control over her. I do want her to be happy and I couldn't provide that so she deserves to find someone who can. I do think the issue is ruminating thoughts and the inability to let it go. Although, it has only been a little over a month and less than a week since her email so I can't expect too much from myself. I am getting little flashes of "it's going to be ok" but my time is predominantly spent missing her, wishful thinking, regret, anger, and the feeling of rejection. Thanks for reminding me to turn my focus to resolving those issues.

[Billy Boy]

Very good advice from OSP.

 

It is going to hurt for a while but it will make a better person out of you. It will be a 'new and improved' you if you acknowledge the things that you didn't do to and with her while you were together. Once you accept that you screwed up, that is a turning point and it sounds like you have. Accept that it is over and don't burn any bridges. My ex and I got back together after a year and it just did not work out as we failed to find the spark. We have parted as friends and friends only which we are both fine with.

 

If your ex has a new man in her life, that is none of your business. As hard as it is, wish her all the best and don't dwell on her and him having sex, cuddling, etc as it will drive you nuts and depress you. Remember that if she found you attractive, some other gal will too.

[bpm103]

Thanks BB. It's a matter of actively not dwelling. I don't want to bury but I don't want to dwell. The last thing I want to do is think about it but I can't help what thoughts come in my head. When I am home I make sure I hit the gym, talk to friends and family, research self-improvement stuff, meditate, pray, read, etc - bet even then the thought remains in the back of my mind. I find that I need to be on here reading and posting during most of my work day - especially because it has been slow lately. My work performance isn't suffering but I do notice that 95% of my day is filled with thoughts of her/us/what she is doing. I need to pay more attention to what I am doing in the present and what the future CAN hold for me if I stay on the right track.

[OneSadPuppy]

Man, I know the stage.

When you're trapped at home, I found war movies about the only thing that I wouldn't be distracted from.

I don't really even like that genre, but it's all men, it's nasty, it's distracting (like ... Thin Red Line).

This site helps a bunch. At different times, I've had to avoid certain thread topics, but for the most part, it's been one of my strongest comforts. Mostly because it gives me hope. Hope for myself, hope for our shallow disposable species (I am not alone

 

You will start to pull out of it though.

My more significant breakup, in 2009, I spent a lot of my sociable time in meetup groups. If you're interacting with people, you're not pining for your ex. You do when you return home to an empty house, but you push yourself because you know you have to get there.

 

OSP

[chickydoodle]

She may be getting therapy too.

You cant assume she has met someone else.

She may be trying to harden her heart to you out of fear of being disappointed by you yet again. The lack of emotion in her reply to your email suggests exhaustion. It may be that she has heard all this before ( as is my case) , the promises to get straight...etc ...and is not getting her hopes up.

My point is , not to assume she has met someone else. There could be a host of other reasons explaining her emotional detatchment.

I think it was good you sent the email and have left a door open should she try again with you . I think she may feel she was used if you got it together and showed no care or interest in her.

Also it was important to send 'cos you would always wonder 'if only I had done this...said that ...then maybe...."

It is good you are going to let go and continue to work on self. Who knows how it will play out esp if you continue this path of strength and discipline.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you have gotten great advice about not focusing on what she is doing now. I know it's hard and you are doing the best you can to refocus you energy.

[bpm103]

Well, more evidence... which of course could just be me fullfilling what I want uinconsciously for whatevr F'd up reason. But I woke up yesterday and immediately looked at my phone and email hoping she had written and there was nothing as usual. My email did have a notification from Yelp though, ncouraging me to yelp about the 4th of July. I don't even use it, signed up a few months ago and posted like one time. Well, I thought "oh, I should torture myself and look her up on Yelp". I deleted my facebook and her profile is private so I can't search her there. I have tried to cut out all ways to remember her but this "opportunity" sprung up and I took it. Looked her up and saw that she had been to a comedy club and then a winery on the way back from a "trip". This sent me into a tailspin and I have been a mess ever since. yesterday sucked.

 

People say "Let go, focus on yourself" .. but I don't like what I look like, I don't like how I feel inside, I don't like that I am an alcoholic, I don't like that I am antisocial, I don't like that I have no friends and that I abandon all of them when I have them, I don't like that I sabotage my life, I am in a mountain of debt, and I feel totally alone. so focusing on myself is not easy I try to go out and hang with people and I get self conscious. I go to the gym and compare myself to others. I go to the movies and think about how the poeple in the movies are in love and I am not, I watch tv and I think about the people there being normal and having fun with friends and families at ball games, I come to work and cant focus on getting anything done. I am unproductive, not fun to be around, depressed, and it's getting worse.

 

Thank God for being in therapy because I am starting to realize the deeper problems I have. But they just show me how messed up I am and it confirms that she is better off... makes me imagine her so much happier with another man. I am not stopping with working on my goals. I have things going for me but I feel on the verge of a break down. I'm scared and really hurting. I just want to cry and fight... punch things, scream, text her, call her and ask why she had to lie to me?

I feel like such an embarassment. I'm so weak - no wonder she left. &^%$! This pity party is ridiculous too... there are people so much worse off than me. I need to look to volunteer or something. All I want to do is cry and go to bed. I would never hurt myself but the fact that it has crossed my mind even in theory is terrifying. I know this will pass but HOLY ^%&$ it's rough!

[chickydoodle]

I need to look to volunteer or something.

 

You are on to something here. Aparently it does help us to step outside of our own pain if we give service to others in need.

It is a great idea!